To give consequences to daughter for waking the baby

[sleptlikeababydidnt]

I'm probably just tired but dd is 7 and is constantly waking 4 month baby up either by bursting in our room to ask something when we've just put him down despite being told not to come in our room while we settle him or by raising her voice and waking him when he's napping, it's getting beyond a joke.
We have a 5 year old who manages to keep her voice down and not wake the baby who also doesn't come in our room when asked not to.

Aibu to give consequences for waking the baby or is that a step too far and I just need sleep?

When I say "we" I generally mean one of us, either myself or Dh. We both do bedtime but not necessarily together.
There's not always another adult around as sometimes Dh is at work.

Yes, perfectly fine. Put rules in place with appropriate sanctions if they aren't followed. You cna spend time with her after, or even if you don't, that's fine too. You've a busy family and everyone needs to woke towards its peace and routine.

Can you tweak your routine so that the 7 YO is not left alone while you put the baby to sleep? She is craving attention and is far too young to understand consequences.

You could also try and make her part of it and give her some “responsibilities” in the baby’s routine

What is she needing to go in your room for?

I agree op, I'd have a consequence for this. At 7 she is easily old enough to know that if she's been told to stay downstairs, she stays downstairs. In our house similar aged DC get 30 min tv after dinner, I'd get 3 lego men and put by tv. Each one is 10 min tv, every time she goes upstairs when told not to, she loses one. If she is still doing it, swap to 2 lego men each worth 15 mins. If still doing it, 1 lego man for whole 30 mins.

So, involve her, or make sure she's definitely not being "pushed out". Her life has had major upheaval, help her through it.

If you speak to her the way you have worded things here, she will absolutely be feeling pushed out.

She probably feels with each child born she is now irrelevant, look at it from her viewpoint

On what planet is a 7 year old too young to understand consequences?

Mine understands them fine. She just doesn’t give a shit.

Who is 'we'? As said, it takes one of the adults to settle the baby, the other stays with your primary aged children.

I think blaming her for the baby waking isn't fair, but it's reasonable to be cross if she's being loud when you've asked her to be quiet or coming into the room when you've asked her not to. I think 7 is fine to say you need to not come in for 15 mins or whatever it is. But you need to be also hyper aware that the rage you feel for her waking the baby is disproportionate to what she actually did. So you can't punish her more for waking the baby vs if she does it and doesn't wake the baby, or does it when you're in the bathroom or shower.

I feel for you though, there's no frustration like the frustration when you get the most difficult one settled and the loud one opens a door, or goes to the toilet or asks for water.... and the whole process starts again.

My 5yr old knows if he is excessively loud and wakes his sister up after he goes to sleep he looses watching the TV in the morning. He only did it once and that was because he had a tantrum in the hallway after he got sent to bed

New baby, new rules, new disruption, new defiance. It’s a reaction to feeling sidelined. So include her. This is the consequence of having a baby when a child has been “top dog” for years and can barely remember her sibling as a baby. It’s all new to her and she’s reacting by being defiant and trying to re-establish her position. It’s natural and doesn’t deserve punishment.

Is she too old for a sticker chart? Could you try telling the five year old they are lovely and quiet etc and see if she copies?

YABU.

I find it interesting that you keep referring to 'our room' - you've said it about half a dozen times.

I think your DD must feel excluded.

The new baby isn't her responsibility, but her own behaviour is, and right now it's impacting on everyone.
She's 7 not 2, and she's been asked not to raise her voice around a baby being settled that is not an unreasonable expectation.
OP id be saying something like DD if the baby settles we can watch a bit of TV together, but if you keep waking baby ill need to spend longer continuing to settle him and won't be able to come and watch telly with you.
Then she can see a natural consequence to her behaviour.

Does she like screen time? I would save all screen time until just before putting the baby down. I would then put on her favourite show and snack maybe with a special blanket to sit under to watch. This obviously only works she likes TV and it isn't getting loads of it else where.

“she is asked not to come in our room where baby sleeps and yet still finds an excuse to ”

This screams out that she is looking for attention. It’s hard to be the older sibling and feel sidelined, while the new baby is getting all the attention. I think you need to make time to do something with your older child, and also explain that when you’re putting the baby to sleep, you’re not ignoring her, but that if she wakes the baby you’ll have less time to be with her. I really don’t think consequences for waking the baby are appropriate - you don’t want her to hate the baby, and she will if you (from her point of view) favour the baby over her.

This! My DS1 was 7 when DS2 was born. He knew to be quiet at certain times, but he still got plenty of attention.

Are you both with the baby?
Why can't one of you stay downstairs.
Your 7 year old has has her whole life turned upside down by a baby sibling and although you may think 7 is old enough to understand that Ans adapt it's not that easy
Being the eldest sibling is very difficult.

Wow seriously you want consequences for a 7 year old. Why have kids she's a child she didn't ask for a baby and quite frankly if you can't figure it now you never will,I've got more kids half are 3 toddlers and they popped in and out and it didn't even take us adults x 2 to put 3 little ones to bed and neglect the olders. Never would I have had more if I thought for one second my olders would be neglected at there expense

Does it need both parents to settle the baby? I'm on your 7 year old's side. She is feeling pushed out.

What wakes babies is not noise. It’s a sudden change in the level of noise. So by tiptoeing around, you’re setting up a situation in which being woken is difficult to avoid.

That apart, yeah - you’re being most unreasonable.

Agreed, this is the consequence OP.
You mean punishment, in which case I wouldn't. 7 year olds are still very impulsive.
20 mins creeping about in silence is a long time, get the baby used to noisier sleeps.

Great for you that you had a baby who would sleep like that, mine wouldn't.
It was better all round that I had 10 mins undisturbed to get her asleep upstairs so I could be available for the others while she slept, than she kept being woken and then was a screaming mess that we all had to endure.

OP I don't think you're unreasonable - I wouldn't punish but I would certainly expect a 7 year old could be alone (or with a sibling it sounds like!) for 10 mins while I gave the baby what it needs (a decent chance at a nap). There's a difference between sometimes different children needing your full attention at different times and neglecting your child for the sake of the baby and this situation is not the 2nd one.

Get your 7 year old to help settle the baby. She is showing you that she feels left out.
Babies get used to noises, no need to tiptoe about.