To find parenting adults so stressful

[Rockomum]

Evening all, I’m really struggling right now and looking to see if anyone else feels the same.
I have 4 children, all of whom seem to be aiming to stress me out as much as possible.

DS1 is 24, he is off travelling, he started on a group tour but met 2 guys and 2 girls and has been travelling with them since, he’s head over heels for one of these girls and they have absolutely no plan. They all seem very free spirited which has meant missed planes and trains, multiple nights sleeping on airport floors, nights spent sleeping on a beach or in random places like that, lost one of his bankcards, hospital trip for a knee injury which he hasn’t at all rested and a seemingly endless amount of drinking.

DS2 is 22, just been broken up with and cheated on by the girl he’s been with since he was 15, trying to complete his masters, really struggling with his mental health, overwhelmed trying to work long hours as we can’t really help with money. He keeps telling us he feels lost and we trying to arrange therapy but private is expensive and NHS waiting lists are long. He lives 200 miles away so we can’t visit often and is struggling finding a social life apart from his ex.

DD1 is 20 and lives at home, she has arthritis which has had her more or less bed bound this winter. Her anxiety is through the rough from missing uni and friends. Constantly panicking about her future as she has no idea what she wants to do, has very low self esteem, feels envious of her siblings who are more independent and especially of DS1 as his life seems very exciting but inaccessible to DD. She cries most days, she has panic attacks and she’s had therapy etc.

DD2 is 18, first year of uni in London. Has had awful experiences with men on nights out, struggling to make friends, not enjoying her course very much. We are struggling to help her financially as London is so expensive it takes up all our budget on accommodation, so she has her minimum loan and a part time job she hates as people are rude. She calls me once a week wanting to come home but trains are expensive and she doesn’t always feel safe on the national express bus.

Meanwhile DH and I are struggling as there is so much stress, and DH had a cancer scare recently (luckily not cancer but we were scared). We both work long hours and when we come home there is always a kid to stress about and we aren’t young anymore so it takes it toll.

Every stage of having kids has had its hard parts but right now I’d do anything for teenagers again, living at home, where the problems were cleaning rooms, attitudes and homework. Or kids where it was fall outs with friends and running around to clubs every night. Now it feels like the problems are bigger, it’s their happiness, health, wellbeing, safety and future on the line. Everything they do has very real consequences.

I can’t sleep most nights for worrying, mostly about DS1 as I end up picturing him getting mugged on some beach or losing his phone. But the others too as they are struggling so much and I feel helpless.

Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU to feel like this?

DS1 can take care of himself. You don’t need to parent him. He’s out learning life.

DS2 yeah that sucks, keep being there for him. He will come through.

DD1 I’ve been through chronic pain. Keep encouraging her to find a passion in life. It’ll help her through.

DD2 can she switch to a different course? She really doesn’t sound happy.

This, but I’d really emphasise for the ones at uni - DS2 and DD2. They should access their university support services, student events, anything they can really. You can find out all the info on the university website and signpost them. DS2 may qualify for some counselling sessions or they may have some clubs he can join to meet others.

My DC are a worry but I was a pain at that age too. I think I m worrying more because even shared housing is so expensive and career options are dwindling due to ai and growing power of the rightwing

Gosh yes, when I think of their futures it absolutely terrifies me.
More so for my boys as they have chosen careers which seem like they will require living in cities. DS1 has a perfectly good finance grad job but decided he wanted to travel so gave it up. We aren’t funding it so it’s his choice but scared to think of what he will come back to.
DS2 is doing a masters in Economics after doing PPE and has no idea what he wants to do.

Girls is a little less worrying as DD1 is studying Pharmacology and DD2 is studying dentistry so feels like those jobs are less likely to disappear and they won’t need to live in big unaffordable cities forever.

I don’t know. On the one hand, yes, I get it. I’m a chronic worrier and I can’t see that ever ending.
On the other…at 22 or 24 my parents really had no idea what I was doing in my life. I wasn’t reliant on them for money, they didn’t know who I was sleeping with and I guess they were blissfully ignorant. I think I’m a way that was entirely preferable for parents.
At some point you need to harden your heart. The most useful thing any young adult can learn really is that no one is coming. No one is going to come and bail them out, no one is going to make it all better. That’s what adulthood IS.
I say that as a parent with older teens. I am going to have to give myself a stern talking to in the near future.

I think it is so important you brought this up, people don’t talk about this enough from a parent perspective, it’s all live young life is too short etc. You are absolutely not being unreasonable to feel this way. Parenting doesn’t stop when kids turn 18, and in many ways, the worries only get bigger because the consequences are more serious and you have less control over their lives. It sounds like every one of your children is going through a major challenge right now, and as a loving and involved parent, it is natural that you feel overwhelmed.

Your DS1 is living a carefree life that sounds reckless to you, and while he is an adult, it is understandable that you worry about his safety. Your DS2 is facing heartbreak, academic pressure, and mental health struggles, which is heartbreaking to witness from a distance. Your DD1 is dealing with both physical and emotional challenges, and it’s hard to see her struggle while feeling left behind. Your DD2 is in a tough situation with uni life in London, and it is difficult knowing she is unhappy and unable to support her as much as you like.

On top of that, you and your husband are dealing with your own stress and fears, especially after the cancer scare. No wonder youreexhausted.

Youâre doing your best, and while you cantfix everything, just being there for them is incredibly valuable. Do you have any support for yourself, friends , family, or even a therapist? It sounds like you need a space to process all this stress as well. You also mentioned struggling financially to help your children are there any student hardship funds DD2 or DS2 might be eligible for? Would DD1 qualify for additional support due to her arthritis? You dont have to carry everything alone.

Youre an amazing parent who cares deeply, but you also need to take care of yourself. Even just small things time for a walk, a book, a bath can help. You matter too.

It is very hard, I agree with you.
IMHO, your DD1 needs some outside support, being unwell, shen she didn't ask or do anything to be sick, and this is crushing her.
She should reach out to charities who provide counselling and support for her condition, especially if there's one for adolescents.
My DD was diagnosed with T1 diabetes at the beginning of Y1 and thought that her world fell apart then. Diabetes UK was very helpful and encouraging, they provided her with a lot of guidance too. She was later on asked to be part of their campaign for young people and she was very happy to contribute as a Thank you gesture. I hope your DD1 will get better soon.

I wouldn’t worry in the slightest about the 24 year old.

I echo the poster saying for them to really access everything at uni that they can, counselling, tutors, whatever is there.

How much are you funding them? And what is their lifestyle like?

Yes. It’s the hardest thing in the world when it hits you that your adult children are going to have to navigate all the hazards, upsets and disappointments of life which you did, but you thought you could protect them from forever.

We have some connections with some charities for young people with arthritis. It seems the support was much better when she was under 18 and it has dwindled since then, it is so hard for her though.

For our eldest not at all, he worked a lot while at uni in a cheap city so had savings.

DS2 we give about £200 a month, he works to cover Accomodation and has a masters loan.

DD1 we cover just about everything for, working isn’t really an option but she does have her student loan and lives at home.

DD2 Works but we cover her Accomodation which is expensive in London, so she has to work alongside this.

Our rule was always Accomodation and money towards a food shop each week while at uni, masters we have sort of downgraded this as we just can’t afford it.

Each of them have different lifestyles and different priorities for their money. DS2 spends less on going out etc. but more on other hobbies (like sports). DD1 loves getting new clothes but doesn’t really have expensive hobbies and DD2 is the most balanced but does enjoy a night out.

DS1 has his own money and is obviously spending it while travelling - he’d probably spend less if they stopped missing flights though!!

That is very tough on her. She must feel very isolated.

Yes generally support for ill children is way better than for ill adults. It is a common experience.

OP try not to let them see you are worried. I simply stopped telling my mum about my problems as she worried so much. So I would just tell her everything was fine.

Respectfully this will just get worse.

When will you allow yourself to stop worrying? When they have a job, buy a house, their car breaks down/ roof caves in, they get pregnant, have children, then you can worry about the grandchildren 😂

You need to try to control your anxiety or it’s going to rub off on your children.

Op dd1 is the biggest worry here. Has she been offered biologics? Is she under the care of a rheumatologist? There are many serious medical routes that could immeasurably improve her life. She also needs counselling. Chronic pain is horrendous to live with.

DD2 needs to start taking her safety much more seriously. It sounds like she is need of your support. Can you book her the national express rather than a train? To come home more regularly? She sounds overwhelmed. I would be asking questions? I wonder if something has happened? Please do ask.

DS1 I totally get the worry, it’s not possible to switch it off. You couid try mediations and reassurance. The world is mostly a safe and peaceful place. He should be fine.

DS2 might complain but he is getting through it, with potentially a great job at the end.

Op book a weekend away for yourself and dh. It’s incredibly exhausting raising dc at this age, and yes it absolutely still is parenting, and much more demanding than when they were young. We have less energy and less resources too. It’s very tough. I get it. We are managing here by prioritising self care, breaks, early nights. We are all in the same boat 💐

Do you have young adult dc? One with a chronic illness too? I think your post is unrealistic. I don’t have a single friend that is worry free at this stage, not one.

Unless you are completely emotionally checked out, you are of course going to want your children to be safe, fit and well.

I get it, it's not within your control to stop worrying about the people you love. It's been your job to keep them safe and happy for so long and now it's so much further from your control.

But you are no good to them if you can't function. You have to put yourself first and focus on yourself for some of the time or you will be the one causing worry.

Also this too shall pass. Within a couple of years they could all be in a very different position. Except dd1. And I think she probably needs the most help and support because she's got a mountain to climb.

No I have a 2 yo and an incredibly anxious MIL. She’s constantly worrying. About everything! We actively have to avoid telling them anything.

First she said she would relax when they all had partners, then when they all had homes, now she worries about the grandchildren - for absolutely no reason really.

Unfortunately this has rubbed off on SIL who has suffered extreme post partum anxiety sadly to the point of not functioning. Thankfully she’s getting better now but it has been awful.

So yes I have no idea what it’s like to ‘parent’ adult children. But I see it from the other side and in mid 30s in a way it’s us children who are having to ‘parent’ the parents by sheltering from the relatively mundane moans and challenges of life.

So that all got a bit deep and I apologise for that. I was trying to make light of it. That really unless you can change something there’s not much point in worrying. Just being there is enough I am sure.

I think you set yourself up for a lifetime of worry when you had FOUR kids tbh.

@Dee9409

Its great that you’ve acknowledged that it’s actually ok to worry about our adult DC’s.

I posted myself a few months ago (since name changed) about my 19 year old DD and was really quite upset with the responses calling me interfering and even weird, just for being concerned about her relationship with her bf and him not treating her well. I don’t understand the attitude of those parents saying “Right! The DC are 18 so that’s it now, no more worrying” They are still your children and the most important person in your life.

edited for many typos

I left home in the Midlands at 20 to work and live in London. My mum had died 3 months prior. My dad didn't have a clue what I was doing with my life or my money.

@Rockomum

Maybe you are a person who just worries a lot about things, or has done since becoming a parent.

Do you do anything for yourself, hobbies, friends that type of thing so you are at least enjoying some of your life?

I understand, at various times I have worried about all my 4, but number 2 has caused me stress since he was in Primary and now that he's a 26yo still does. I lie awake worrying about him. It's not something I can stop.

You can’t make everything right for them and that’s time will never come!There will.be all sorts of life events ahead and you can’t allow yourselves to be wrung out by them on their behalf. I’d look at therapy / counselling / meditation for yourself.

imagine enjoying each day as it comes, modelling gratitude and a positive attitude to change and opportunities that may arise. Maybe things unrealistic for you and I understand the constant anxiety but it’s not making things better for any of you.

Your attitude and approach to life will affect how each of your children relates to you, maybe they get more attention for sharing their worries and problems than their joy, hopes and aspirations?

When I am worried I chant an ancient Buddhist mantra Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo. It's meant to connect you with the protective forces in the Universe. I know it's sounds bizarre. If anything it's a good breathing exercise. 20 minutes of chanting calms me down. After 40 minutes of chanting I often begin to see a problem from a different perspective. After one hour of chanting I sometimes come with solutions I haven't thought of before. So as you can imagine, in times of stress and uncertainty I chant a lot. It has helped me so much over the last 13 years. I managed to solved so many seemingly intractable problems. It's free. More on pronunciation and meaning on our website SGI-UK. It's a registered charity. There are some good books out there as well. My favourite is A Buddha in Your Mirror, available for about a tenner from Amazon.