To find parenting adults so stressful

[Rockomum]

Evening all, I’m really struggling right now and looking to see if anyone else feels the same.
I have 4 children, all of whom seem to be aiming to stress me out as much as possible.

DS1 is 24, he is off travelling, he started on a group tour but met 2 guys and 2 girls and has been travelling with them since, he’s head over heels for one of these girls and they have absolutely no plan. They all seem very free spirited which has meant missed planes and trains, multiple nights sleeping on airport floors, nights spent sleeping on a beach or in random places like that, lost one of his bankcards, hospital trip for a knee injury which he hasn’t at all rested and a seemingly endless amount of drinking.

DS2 is 22, just been broken up with and cheated on by the girl he’s been with since he was 15, trying to complete his masters, really struggling with his mental health, overwhelmed trying to work long hours as we can’t really help with money. He keeps telling us he feels lost and we trying to arrange therapy but private is expensive and NHS waiting lists are long. He lives 200 miles away so we can’t visit often and is struggling finding a social life apart from his ex.

DD1 is 20 and lives at home, she has arthritis which has had her more or less bed bound this winter. Her anxiety is through the rough from missing uni and friends. Constantly panicking about her future as she has no idea what she wants to do, has very low self esteem, feels envious of her siblings who are more independent and especially of DS1 as his life seems very exciting but inaccessible to DD. She cries most days, she has panic attacks and she’s had therapy etc.

DD2 is 18, first year of uni in London. Has had awful experiences with men on nights out, struggling to make friends, not enjoying her course very much. We are struggling to help her financially as London is so expensive it takes up all our budget on accommodation, so she has her minimum loan and a part time job she hates as people are rude. She calls me once a week wanting to come home but trains are expensive and she doesn’t always feel safe on the national express bus.

Meanwhile DH and I are struggling as there is so much stress, and DH had a cancer scare recently (luckily not cancer but we were scared). We both work long hours and when we come home there is always a kid to stress about and we aren’t young anymore so it takes it toll.

Every stage of having kids has had its hard parts but right now I’d do anything for teenagers again, living at home, where the problems were cleaning rooms, attitudes and homework. Or kids where it was fall outs with friends and running around to clubs every night. Now it feels like the problems are bigger, it’s their happiness, health, wellbeing, safety and future on the line. Everything they do has very real consequences.

I can’t sleep most nights for worrying, mostly about DS1 as I end up picturing him getting mugged on some beach or losing his phone. But the others too as they are struggling so much and I feel helpless.

Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU to feel like this?

It's hard Op..I get it.
I have four also...now aged 27-33 and I'd love to think the worrying stops but it simply does not!
I have one with a chronic lifetime medical condition and special needs (will never leave home..the youngest)
Eldest went through a horrible divorce from her coercive controlling ex last year and nearly lost her home, one married an Aussie (we love her but it's so far away!) and lives there but they are unable to have a baby and it's heartbreaking for them, and one just gave birth !
We have supported in every way possible, financially, physically and emotionally. We are very lucky that my kids are still very close to us and we have a wonderful relationship with them, but last year, particularly was SO hard.

But... stresses pass. Eldest is now single, happy, more confident than we have ever seen her and flying in her career as a doctor. DS1 and my DIL are visiting next month (haven't seen him for a year), the new baby is beautiful, DS2 is currently quite well... we take the positives. Nothing stays the same, and you just have to run with it and worry without making THEM worry about you... that's not their job!
We help..financially where we can, practically where we can (I do lots of child care for dgs and will do for the new baby) and we are there always to listen, but we also encourage them to find their own way..access help at uni (both my daughters struggled at times) etc.
And yes, have something for yourself! I took up piano, and now drums, and also and allotment.. so I'm not just Mum, I have my own life and interests too.

I will never stop mentally wanting to fix things, they are my babies, but they have to find their own way too.x

OP you have my sympathy, I also have 4, and they are in their 30's and 40's, if I were to write here the horrendous worries we have had in the last few years it would take me a good half hour.
They all live geographically very near us, one with his chronically sick wife, who is unable to work actually with us.
I am retired, but DH can't as we need to maintain a decent sized house for the foreseeable!.
I guess we just do what we have to and I envy friends who seem to have settled offspring, but I suppose mine are still my babies in essence and we do whatever we can because we love them.
I only have 1 grandchild who is very sick and permanently on oxygen, we have to be supportive to his parents who obviously are also stressed with the situation.
It makes me wonder sometimes whether we will ever be able to relax into old age!

This is such a good point. Their universities may provide free counselling through the student wellbeing system.

Hello, parent of young adults in their early 20s here too. It is very difficult. You have to learn to let go of some of this. Again, very very difficult, but you have to. You can not manage their lives. Can't do it, must let go of aspects of parenting, or it'll crush you.

I would worry most about dd1 in your position. The two at university really have to access any support via their universities and local to where they are geographically. If your dd2 is miserable it will have to be her decision if she needs to change course or leave. Your eldest is living the life! There's huge risks to that but it sounds like he is having a fantastic time and needs to grow up and learn to organise himself. Terrifying for you but amazing for him.

I agree this stage isn't spoken about enough. The structures of school or college are gone and our young uns are out in a world that's got different challenges to when we were their age. I completely sympathise with you. I found counselling very helpful in looking at where I need to let go and where I don't. Because you cannot hold on to all of this yourself and they have to learn to be out there in the world. Of course you're still there for them, you're clearly a wonderful parent, but you have to let go of everything you reasonably can and that'll be more than you think it is.

Honestly you sound a bit over invested.

DS1 sounds like he's having a ball. I know it's hard when they're far away but I'd leave him to it.

DD1 - I'd be most worried about her. Is she having regular reviews, is she on a medication that works for her? is she being seen regularly by rheumatology or bottom of their list? I would seek advice from Versus or join a Facebook group and discuss with other patients, and you need to advocate for her. It is exhausting navigating the system with chronic pain and they will just leave you to suffer if you don't annoy them enough. if she's bed bound her meds aren't working, she needs help, support and advocacy.
As a parent I would be pouring most of my energy into her.

DS2- listening ear and encouragement to branch out a bit, maybe a weekend visit if you could? What's happened him is awful, he just needs his mum, time and time to lick his wounds.

DD2 - ditto, but she probably needs therapy to help her identify changes she could make. She should contact uni support services.

It's a tough spot, but I do think DD1 needs you more. We had this with SDD and when I started attending appointments with her and insisting on appointments for her, and advocating on her behalf it got a lot better, and suddenly there were new medications to try... This and a lot of private physiotherapy had really improved things. Hers is rheumatoid.

My dad always said this was the worst stage of being a parent because the stakes are high and you are powerless.

Agree with Peri easier said than done but surely we have to try and disassociate or you will drive yourself mad. Feels awful to say but another reason glad we stopped at two. Fretting about them finding their feet in the works is bad enough but having multiple to fret about would finish me off.

My mother was talking to an extremely elderly lady who said the first time she was able to stop worrying about her children was when they were all installed in good nursing homes 😀😀.

I have a young young child but I remember asking my mother in law what she felt was the hardest stage of parenting and she confidently replied 25-32 had been the hardest so you’re not alone! I think there’s a lot to be said for small kids small problems and big kids big problems.

You are absolutely correct. Parenting adults has been by far the most difficult and stressful. And I was a single parent with a very stressful job and and an abusive XH who almost bankrupted me. My life is now simpler and calmer but parenting DDs 23 ans 18 is so stressful. Even though they are wonderful lovely girls.

OP I have no great words of wisdom, just sharing that worrying is normal, even when you gently let go.

I also have four DC, a bit older between 38 and 42, and I’d say that their early to mid twenties were the most worrying for me. By their thirties, the worry had become a dull rumble in the back of my mind that I could tune into if they needed me, but mostly I ignore it.

They all have a mix of challenges with their physical and/or mental health, and sometimes it simply doesn’t seem fair. It’s hard work not to dwell on it when neighbours’ kids seem to be so much more successful. But they’ve mostly found their niche and we’re here for emergencies.

One has a disability and has found employment with similarly affected children. He has been able to access funds from university and is studying for a post-grad qualification.

We always worry about the grandkids, simply because the world is so different and they are on endless waiting lists. One is permanently in low-level pain with flare-ups. The other may age out of the system before diagnosis.

Money worries are relentless. I could win the lottery and still feel skint. DH and I are crumbling our way into our seventies.

Your thread is so relatable @Rockomum

I only have 2 children (one of 27, one 32) but I worry about them so much. They both have problems with adult life, though they are completely different characters and completely different problems.

I worry about them more now than when they were teenagers living at home. Adult life is very hard for some people but what can you do? You can't protect them like you could when they were younger.

I feel the same as you. I look back on the relatively minor stuff we dealt with when they were at school and think what on earth was I worrying about.

I have tried to be the opposite of my parents. I was desperately unhappy as a young adult but never turned to them as they were Emotionally neglectful. So I went the opposite way with my kids so they can tell me everything. But my goodness, it is so damn hard to hear everything.

At 24 I had moved abroad with a new boyfriend as he had been offered a new job. My parents’ were horrified! 16 years on, we are married, one child, own a house, a flat, and have an income of circa 100k. You are assuming the worst! These awful futures might materialise, but they also might not. Your son might come home in a year and get a great job? Meet a lovely girl etc etc. Your middle son might also come out the other side as a young man really aware and competent! In a way I think the girls are more vulnerable because well, they’re girls and I think things are riskier for girls today - but they seem self aware, well educated. Agree with pp that they should use the university services to the maximum whilst they’re there.
try not to catastrophise so much. Easier said than done I know.

I had a baby when my elder dds were teens. It meant I was less hands on than I perhaps would have been . I alway made time for them but ultimately they made their own choices and found their own way. It was actually really good for our relationship as we transitioned into friends as well as mother/daughter.

Eldest is 25 has a good job she enjoys and recently bought her first house. She likes to travel when she can.

Middle child is 22 and started her career last September, currently lives at home and pays board.

Try to worry a little less about the older two, they are adults responsible for their own paths.

I really identify with this OP, thank you for posting. There are some very interesting replies which I'm going to re read. I have 4 adult DC too and also continue to worry about them, though they are late 20s /early 30s and with the exception of one, fairly settled now. I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable to worry! It's just how to keep it in check.
I have grandchildren too now, but interestingly, though I of course absolutely adore them, I don't worry about them to the same ( probably excessive) degree. Different when they are unwell/ dealing with something serious obviously.
Back to your post -we have seen our children dealing with some of the issues that you mention, especially mental health problems.
As others have said, I think your DS1 is having the best time and with kindness, I'd leave him to get on with his adventure. He's not travelling alone now ( been there!) and that's a big plus.
DS2 - it's very hard watching your children suffer after a big break up. It will pass with time. Seems like he's talking with you, so I'd just keep the communication open and be there for him and visit if possible. Maybe he will re locate after his Masters and that would help him to put this behind him? Try to encourage him to look forward, not back. From what I've seen with mine, counselling can help a lot sometimes, but not always. Is there anything available through his university? Waits for nhs counselling can be 6 months plus here at the moment.
DD1 has a big challenge with an ongoing physical issue and I can see why you're very concerned. As others have suggested, I'd be looking for outside suggestions of support from her university or an appropriate charity.
DD2, my immediate thought was that it's just not working out for her at present. Is she thinking about changing course, perhaps to a university outside of London? One thing that I did with all mine, which actually seemed to work, was to suggest that they put a time limit on situations that were making them unhappy - give it 3/6/12 months or whatever and if no better, then maybe it's time for a change.
We're in the same position financially ie not great, but it is what it is, we keep going. Both working part time post retirement. We've never been able to help our children in a huge way financially though we've done what we can, but I do feel that we have good relationships with them, as do they with each other. Sounds like you do too, so be proud of that and again, thanks for posting your thoughts. Really struck a chord with me.

You are right that the problems are bigger, but they are also adults now.

Although you worry, you will never solve everything for them, and you don't have any responsibility to do so - they are finding their own way.

Absolutely agree it's important to raise this.

What a great post too dee I can't add anything more worthwhile.

Think I went through all of the things your kids are going through as a teen and in early 20s (except chronic pain). I didn't tell my parents any of them. I guess just feel it's good they can confide but you can't fix everything.

Those who say to just stop worrying clearly don't have adult children. And I wouldn't have understood either. I talk to my own parents now about what it was like when I was in my twenties and had no idea how much they cared and cried with worry sometimes. They didn't show it to me and now mine are 25, 22 and 18 I try to keep my worrying hidden just as she did. Can't turn it off though. My 99 year old nanna still worries about my Dad who's in his late 70s!

It's absolutely the hardest stage of parenting, no question.

Love that someone who has a toddler has told you to stop, the ignorance of youth is always endearing.

I'm glad you posted this. Mine are 23 and 26 and while they are doing their best it is not a carefree world for a young person. Worries about housing, jobs and climate are very real and can affect their mental health along with the usual romantic trials.
I just hope that having loving parents who they can speak to will enhance their resilience.

This is a good thread and I really empathise with you OP.
I have a tendency towards anxiety anyway, but since my DD , 18, has been at uni in London it has got so much worse. And she is fairly happy with how things are going, but she wants to be a classical musician! (She's at a conservatoire and it is very competitive there) and this is hardly the most secure job. But I just have to try and let go a bit I know.
My DS is 16 and has GCSEs this year. He and DH are at loggerheads because he is lazy regarding his revision and I feel stuck in the middle, but my feeling is that DS must get on with it himself, like I did at his age.

I think that life is so much harder for this age group (late teens/early twenties) in many ways as things feel insecure eg ability to buy a house, get a secure job, afford a family etc.

I hope things improve for you and your kids anyway.

Wtf?

Yeah! Because no one with a sick DD who has been virtually bed bound all winter with a debilitating illness would be worried at all would they?

This one thing alone would be horrendous. The OP also has three other DC’s.

Pretty heartless comment. Never ceases to amaze me how some parents actually do just stop caring when they get their DC’s to adulthood. Sad 😟

That sounds very difficult. I don’t have adult children but as an adult child myself, I don’t and haven’t confided in my parents (who I see weekly and have a good laugh with, no big issues) about anything difficult since I was about 15. You must be a wonderful parent if they are willing to share these challenges with you, albeit a very worried one! Hang in there OP.

I was a bit like your eldest, always pissing off to different countries, having a ball. You’re worried about him the most but if he’s anything like I was, he’s having the time of his life and learning so much. It’s a bit safer now with Google maps showing you how to avoid any dodgy areas etc. He must have self confidence to travel for an extended time. You should be proud of yourself for instilling that independence in him. Probably doesn’t alleviate the worry though! Does he stay in touch? I text every day in the family group chat.