To find parenting adults so stressful

[Rockomum]

Evening all, I’m really struggling right now and looking to see if anyone else feels the same.
I have 4 children, all of whom seem to be aiming to stress me out as much as possible.

DS1 is 24, he is off travelling, he started on a group tour but met 2 guys and 2 girls and has been travelling with them since, he’s head over heels for one of these girls and they have absolutely no plan. They all seem very free spirited which has meant missed planes and trains, multiple nights sleeping on airport floors, nights spent sleeping on a beach or in random places like that, lost one of his bankcards, hospital trip for a knee injury which he hasn’t at all rested and a seemingly endless amount of drinking.

DS2 is 22, just been broken up with and cheated on by the girl he’s been with since he was 15, trying to complete his masters, really struggling with his mental health, overwhelmed trying to work long hours as we can’t really help with money. He keeps telling us he feels lost and we trying to arrange therapy but private is expensive and NHS waiting lists are long. He lives 200 miles away so we can’t visit often and is struggling finding a social life apart from his ex.

DD1 is 20 and lives at home, she has arthritis which has had her more or less bed bound this winter. Her anxiety is through the rough from missing uni and friends. Constantly panicking about her future as she has no idea what she wants to do, has very low self esteem, feels envious of her siblings who are more independent and especially of DS1 as his life seems very exciting but inaccessible to DD. She cries most days, she has panic attacks and she’s had therapy etc.

DD2 is 18, first year of uni in London. Has had awful experiences with men on nights out, struggling to make friends, not enjoying her course very much. We are struggling to help her financially as London is so expensive it takes up all our budget on accommodation, so she has her minimum loan and a part time job she hates as people are rude. She calls me once a week wanting to come home but trains are expensive and she doesn’t always feel safe on the national express bus.

Meanwhile DH and I are struggling as there is so much stress, and DH had a cancer scare recently (luckily not cancer but we were scared). We both work long hours and when we come home there is always a kid to stress about and we aren’t young anymore so it takes it toll.

Every stage of having kids has had its hard parts but right now I’d do anything for teenagers again, living at home, where the problems were cleaning rooms, attitudes and homework. Or kids where it was fall outs with friends and running around to clubs every night. Now it feels like the problems are bigger, it’s their happiness, health, wellbeing, safety and future on the line. Everything they do has very real consequences.

I can’t sleep most nights for worrying, mostly about DS1 as I end up picturing him getting mugged on some beach or losing his phone. But the others too as they are struggling so much and I feel helpless.

Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU to feel like this?

Most of us (not all) will love and care for the safety of our kids all of our lives, and there's no doubt that the world is a very different place to the one we grew up in.

You're a brilliant mum, and you should be extremely proud of them.

I'm obviously not you, but my focus would be on DS2. Breaking up with someone after 7 years and also at a particularly critical time in his life could be extremely rough on him.

I hadn’t read the rest of your posts when I posted earlier @Rockomum but just came back to say I hope you’re proud of the amazing academic achievements of your DC! I know you’re worrying too but wow they’re all doing so well and you sound like an amazing mum xx

OP, you should be proud of the educational achivements of your DC. I think education is so important.

Don't think the laughing face is particularly helpful nor the comments. You never stop worrying about your children and that's just a fact unfortunately.

Agreed - sorry toddlerhelp but whilst you may think the worrying stops when they're adults it really doesn't.

And the anxiety clearly hasn't rubbed off on her kids has it? The older one could do with being a bit more bloody anxious!! Meanwhile the youngest is struggling but determined to see the year out - that's resilience right there.

Agree with others- let DS1 have fun all part of the experience
I think your son struggling in uni and your daughter- seeing both can move home for uni to give them support/ less financial stress on you
your dd with arthritis, support her by going swimming with her- will help the arthritis or pay for her to see a specialist

I find this wild. We agreed with our dc that if they choose to go to university we will top up to max loan. I think this is fair as it’s our income that scuppers the amount of loan they get. My student dd in London took a year out to work after y13 to save up because she couldn’t afford to live in London on the loan and we couldn’t afford the extra. It’s honestly quite normal not to have enough money to pay another adults full living costs (-£6K) in London and it’s perfectly normal for anyone with any self respect not to expect or want it. The OP has gone far beyond this and is paying her dds rent. She also supports her adult ds to do an extra qualification that most people would have to work to pay for and provides a home to her adult dd1. We also provide a free roof over their heads for our dc when they, as adults, need a soft place to fall and will likely keep our large house with its associated large bills for longer than we strictly need to do this but it’s a nice to have rather than something to be expected. I don’t think that I, as a working age adult, have a responsibly for entirely supporting the life choices of my adult dc indefinitely and without limits and I don’t think my elderly mum should do the same for me and my siblings. My “need it most” time wasn’t at 18-24 - it was more like 25-35 when I had small dc, and 45-50 when we had business issues. One of my brothers was massively in the shit in his early 50s when his business tanked and my sister went through a terrible period in her 30s when she got divorced and was living abroad. The idea that we never should have been born if our mum couldn’t financially rescue us at our “need it most” moments is ridiculous. Lots of adults don’t even have parents still living - we lost out dad when we were teens except bro1 who was 20 although I guess this qualifies as “change in circumstances”.

Could you ask your DS2 to help emotionally support DD1?

You don't mention their relationships with each other but hopefully they get on and support one another?

Since I’ve learnt to let go a bit, it’s slightly easier. I have to trust that I’ve done my best teaching them skills to adult. Sure I’ve made mistakes, but I can honestly say I’ve done my best. Now it’s up to them.

I can’t smooth their way all the time, especially when mental health is at play, but I need to leave them to it to make their own mistakes and learn from them. I can listen and advise but at the end of the day it’s their life to navigate as they see fit.

I can’t do any more than that. Stepping back is hard but necessary. Worrying is pointless.

As for DS1, I find it really hard to not worry about his safety. My niece went travelling but seemed more safety conscious than DS, she’d never have just slept on the beach or in the airport for example and she had a rough idea of where she was going when. I’ve heard plenty of stories of young people who go travelling and end up hurt/ill and while it provides some comfort that he is with people they all seem to lack self preservation! I also worry that he is more focussed on looking after this girl he’s fallen for than looking after himself. I remind him things like oh don’t carry her bag through customs then he says it’s fine as half her stuff is in his!! I know she’s probably lovely and fine but I’m worried she may not be and is using him and it could backfire.

You have enough to worry about, and he's travelling as most people his age do. I did! I've slept on plenty of airport floors. He's with three other people, they seem to be sticking together, and he won't do anything dangerous or likely to cause him harm in front of someone that he's trying to impress!

I do think parenting adults has a whole new difficulty; but I would agree that it sounds like some of this may be you struggling to let go, and that's really tough, but it's always going to be hard until you do. That's not to say not to care, but worrying yourself inside out isn't going to help any of them.

OP you are allowed to worry, you brought your beautiful DC into the world and kept them safe for 18+ years. Being a parent doesn’t end just because they’ve turned into adults. The fact that they turn to you and your DH when they are struggling just shows how much of a bond you all have.

my dad died while my half sister was 16 which meant I became an overnight single parent to a hormonal, stressed, anxious, grieving teen whilst also struggling with my own mental health, disabilities, caring for an autistic aunt with high need, working and raising my own autistic DC who was 8 years old at the time. I think I was living in a constant state of stress.

I tell you this not for sympathy (my family will always come first) but to give you some background so you can see where I’m coming from.

At first my Dsis was very angry and her anxiety was through the roof. I put my needs aside and helped her (and the others) come to terms with all the changes that had happened as well as the grieving process. She had left her social support group (we didn’t live very close) so she just had me. I helped her with everything, money to get the train to meet her friends, get stuff for her new bedroom, driving her to college etc. I also encouraged her to try new things as well as teaching her how to cook from scratch (this is where most of our tricky emotional conversation happened). She had no idea where her life was going to take her, I pointed out to her that even if your life was all planned out, chances are that they would change and usually without warning! Giving her my life as an example with the many career changes I had to make over the years ( that makes me sound really old! 😂 at the time I was 36).

I say I put my needs aside but not completely I had 2 rules, 1, after 9pm was my time unless it was an emergency or family game night etc. 2, Boxing Day was my day off, which included full control of the TV remote 😂, if they wanted something they had to get it themselves, there was always leftovers and buffet food for them to eat (again unless it was an emergency)

I introduced Dsis to the Thrive app which is free. It is a mental health support app, it asks for a daily check in and then suggest activities for you to complete based on you answers as well as signposting you to further help if your answers produce a ‘worrying’ score. I also use this app and we both have therapy sessions through it (this is a paid service but is cheaper than private) I particularly like the way you can choose how to interact with your therapist, text, call, or video call. This may help your DS2 and DD1.

I also suggest to your DD1 to research as much as possible about her condition and treatments, support groups, Facebook groups, alternative treatments and medicines etc as well as requesting a pain clinic appointment through the GP. It will seem pointless and unhelpful at first but will actually help in the long run (at least this was my experience). The more she knows the more she can adapt her life so that it is not all about her condition. Also books/blogs from people who suffer from chronic conditions as you can pick up a few useful tips that you may not find anywhere else. I’ve recently read ‘I haven’t been entirely honest with you’ by Miranda Hart which was a nice light hearted view on some pretty heavy emotions that chronic conditions tend to come with. This may also be something that you can do together so that she has someone to bounce ideas off. The thrive app you may find useful to.

My own DC, now 19 is working their way through college, I helped them set up a support system within the college so if/when they are overwhelmed they had places to go. All educational institutions have a dedicated support system for students who need that extra bit of support from time to time. Most of this information can be found on their websites or through their student services department. Maybe you could work with DS2, DD1 and DD2 to set these up.

DC also lives with me however I have slowly introduced them to budgeting, cooking, batch cooking (less to worry about during the working week), shopping etc and we now work as a team to keep the house in good order. Not only does this give me less to worry about it also means I have more time to spend on myself and the things I want to do.

I know my suggestion seem like a lot of work but because of that work I have now less to worry about and they are learning to support themselves, they’ve worked hard and I’m proud of them, I also know that when I’m no longer here they will be able to cope with whatever life throws at them.

I hope some of this helps.

Sorry for the essay, I never was able to express myself concisely 🤣🤷🏻‍♀️

Just remember you are not all own with the way you feel, good luck with it all 💜

The clue is in the title. They are adults now. With the exception of DD1, who needs care because of her health, they need to start being more independent and making their own choices.

DS1 is fine. Leave him to it.
DS2 can organise his own therapy; if you're in a position to help him with money then do that.
DD2 is hoping to become a dentist and it's a long course. If she can't settle in London, maybe she could look at transferring to a smaller city like Sheffield or Bristol, but she can't be coming home every weekend.

It's normal to have worries about them but you are taking it upon yourself to try to fix their problems, and you can't. Stop fearing their futures and be excited- the future is theirs to make.

Same four adult kids. There are always, always going to be problems some way worse than others. All mine went to uni all had jobs too, none struggled to make friends so I can’t relate to that, poor mental health at times yes, needed to change course yes twice, DD1 in New Zealand for 2 years at 18 yes, it sometimes gets better and sometimes worse.
DS1 let him crack on. You worrying is not achieving anything, he is obviously doing what he wants. Can DS2 do his course remotely and come back home or have a break from course and come home, yes keep a very close eye on him and he should have access to MH services through uni. DD at uni change course and uni, away from London, too expensive to warrant it if she has no friends and not enjoying it. DD at home , needs to ask uni for extra support if she is falling behind. If she is missing friends invite them all for a weekend at yours and you and partner have a weekend away, if DD is up to it. Ask her to organise a few days away with her friends when the weather is better give her something to look forward to.

Try to remember how amazing it is having four kids, what an amazing achievement that they are out in the world getting on with life, I would not change it even in the worst of times.

He doesn’t tell us exactly, he has insta, TikTok and recently this group of them started making YouTube videos. Sometimes I try to avoid checking but I miss him. They all seem to motivate each other to do ridiculous things which makes it worse. He looks like he’s having a wonderful time, meeting lots of people and has a sense of confidence about him that I’ve never seen him have before, but things like stealing cardboard from bins to sleep on the beach or missing a flight and instead of finding a hostel for the night just sleeping on the floor of the airport often to the distaste of the airport security does worry me.
Social media really does make things worse!

Argh! Come off all his social media. No good will come of viewing that!

He sounds a bit bonkers but airports across the world are very safe. And he's in a group. Leave him to it.

I have 4 DC and one will be and adult in a few months and it already has been worry worry worry with him. Health problems galore. It's been very stressful.

Same with the others, tbh. It is ongoing. Never stops. Mine are secondary aged and primary aged. It must be much worse as they leave home. Less control of them f*cking things up.

Gosh he’s absolutely bonkers. DH loves watching the videos they make (they can be quite funny, as in some ways them seem like the mostly unlikely group to travel together (DS being an in the words of my DD “unshackled type B Welsh finance boy who’s just discovered free will”, an Italian girl who is incredibly funny, an Irish lad who appears to be genuinely clueless as to what they are doing and why, an Australian lad who seems to have never said no to anything in his life and an English girl who seems to have been made the default “do we need a visa or are we likely to get kidnapped checker”.

They’ve started doing crazy things like “showing up to the airport and getting the cheapest flight challenge” and ending up on some island in the Philippines.

He used to be so sensible … I don’t know what happened!

Unless you lack empathy or can completely emotionally detach from your children.

What I don't understand is parents who have trackers on their DC's phones when they go to university. That must add a whole level of anxiety.

so what, leave him to it! Its called having fun, you might want to try it!

I travel around the world completely alone. Including in India, Turkey, Thailand, and other countries unsafe for women. Been doing so since my mid twenties. My DH and family know to leave me to it.

My mum is 80 and doesnt worry about me. So you really need to let your DD take the bus from London!

I agree with others that your DD1 sounds most in need here. Can I ask what sort of arthritis she has? I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and for a while there it completely ruined my life, the pain was horrific and doing basic things like opening a bottle of milk was impossible, some days I could barely walk, couldn't drive, couldn't bend my thumbs for 3 months, would wake in the night in agony and have to plunge my hands and wrists into a basin of freezing water to numb the pain at 3am - but I'm now on Methotrexate and folic acid and slowly my symptoms lessened - 18 months later I feel completely normal and forget I am ill, it has saved my life. I would 100% be disabled now without it, but I now have zero pain or swelling anywhere at all. Has your DD tried this medication? I know different things work for different people. My own DD has a friend who is 15 and has this too, she responds differently to meds is struggling to find something that works. My understanding is that she is now struggling with depression because of it. Life is very very unfair, I will never understand why these awful things are inflicted on people. I feel very sorry for your DD, she is so young to have this burden when she should be flying free.

Aw you are lucky to have such great kids op. I know they’ve all got their issues but they sound like they’ve all got potential for solid futures and that’s down the support and a loving base that you’ve provided.

I’m in a similar scenario with my 3 adult DC. Even the one who is settled I worry about! I think worry is part of the parental DNA. The 20s is a particularly turbulent age too, but with higher stakes than when it was teenage/school angst.

It doesn’t help with other things going on like menopause, grumpy husbands and elderly parents. But it’s a rite of passage that previous generations went through and came out the end of. We will too (hopefully with grandchildren one day…🤞🏼)

DD also has rheumatoid arthritis, we’ve tried various medications over the years, not the one you’ve mentioned though so that is something to consider. This last 2 months is the worst it has been since she was about 6 and was temporarily in a wheelchair it was so bad. It’s really hard as it seems to just have flair ups where she can’t do or enjoy anything pain free. We have an appointment with her Rheumatologist later in the month and hoping we will find something that works better then.

Yes! I had just the conversation with a friend yesterday.
DS1, normally the sweetest lad ever, got hammered and kissed a girl last weekend - when he has a equally sweet girlfriend of 2 years. So it's been a challenging week, he admitted it to his gf straight away but he's been battling anxiety/guilt etc ever since. So hard to know what to say, he didn't need me to lay into him, as he massively knew he'd done something stupid, and I was pleased he told her face to face, but still so hard.

Hard sitting back and watching it going on, without really knowing what's happening