To find parenting adults so stressful

[Rockomum]

Evening all, I’m really struggling right now and looking to see if anyone else feels the same.
I have 4 children, all of whom seem to be aiming to stress me out as much as possible.

DS1 is 24, he is off travelling, he started on a group tour but met 2 guys and 2 girls and has been travelling with them since, he’s head over heels for one of these girls and they have absolutely no plan. They all seem very free spirited which has meant missed planes and trains, multiple nights sleeping on airport floors, nights spent sleeping on a beach or in random places like that, lost one of his bankcards, hospital trip for a knee injury which he hasn’t at all rested and a seemingly endless amount of drinking.

DS2 is 22, just been broken up with and cheated on by the girl he’s been with since he was 15, trying to complete his masters, really struggling with his mental health, overwhelmed trying to work long hours as we can’t really help with money. He keeps telling us he feels lost and we trying to arrange therapy but private is expensive and NHS waiting lists are long. He lives 200 miles away so we can’t visit often and is struggling finding a social life apart from his ex.

DD1 is 20 and lives at home, she has arthritis which has had her more or less bed bound this winter. Her anxiety is through the rough from missing uni and friends. Constantly panicking about her future as she has no idea what she wants to do, has very low self esteem, feels envious of her siblings who are more independent and especially of DS1 as his life seems very exciting but inaccessible to DD. She cries most days, she has panic attacks and she’s had therapy etc.

DD2 is 18, first year of uni in London. Has had awful experiences with men on nights out, struggling to make friends, not enjoying her course very much. We are struggling to help her financially as London is so expensive it takes up all our budget on accommodation, so she has her minimum loan and a part time job she hates as people are rude. She calls me once a week wanting to come home but trains are expensive and she doesn’t always feel safe on the national express bus.

Meanwhile DH and I are struggling as there is so much stress, and DH had a cancer scare recently (luckily not cancer but we were scared). We both work long hours and when we come home there is always a kid to stress about and we aren’t young anymore so it takes it toll.

Every stage of having kids has had its hard parts but right now I’d do anything for teenagers again, living at home, where the problems were cleaning rooms, attitudes and homework. Or kids where it was fall outs with friends and running around to clubs every night. Now it feels like the problems are bigger, it’s their happiness, health, wellbeing, safety and future on the line. Everything they do has very real consequences.

I can’t sleep most nights for worrying, mostly about DS1 as I end up picturing him getting mugged on some beach or losing his phone. But the others too as they are struggling so much and I feel helpless.

Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU to feel like this?

My parents would have had no idea any of this was going on as I wouldn't have told them and they wouldn't have asked!

I do feel sorry for your ill DD though and think that's where your efforts should go.

Yes I agree with previous posters. It's a really difficult stage of parenting which coincides with other stressful life events of our own like cancer scares, elderly parents, and menopause.

This is life and you should thank your lucky stars your problems are what they are - some of them are so pathetic - trains are expensive for her to come from London - has she ever heard of Victoria bus station? I never had the luxury of thinking I could take a train when I was a student in London and travelled home for Christmas. Men are rude at nights out - you know, it is not compulsory to go out at night - she may try to study more at night, might discover something useful. Doing his masters - mental health problems - some people never get the luxury of doing a BA, never mind masters (think young carers, wiping arses and misses school because they feel they can't abandon their family) - try comparing yourself to those who are worse off, not better off than you - you don't have to go far for that, look at some MN posts, it will help bring you do a better comparison.

Thank you so much everyone, some great advice here I will definitely be taking on.

I agree that DD1 does worry us the most but in a way I find this worry a lot more manageable, as she is at home and and I am able to take her to appointments and hold her when she is upset and help her advocate for herself. I guess I feel like I know better how to support her and don’t find myself fretting at night as I can just go and chat to her and know exactly how she is.

DD2 is a big worry, she just isn’t happy or settling and that’s unfamiliar territory as both the boys really loved uni. We have said it’s okay to drop out but she’s quite determined to stick it out to the end of the year, her point being that she’d have to pay for this year anyway now.

DS2 is an all fresh worry which I think makes it feel worse, when he was happy in a relationship we didn’t really worry at all. He’s also never really struggled before so it’s scary as I find he maybe lacks the self knowledge or resilience to navigate the pain he is in without support. I’ll suggest he speaks to the uni about counselling though.

As for DS1, I find it really hard to not worry about his safety. My niece went travelling but seemed more safety conscious than DS, she’d never have just slept on the beach or in the airport for example and she had a rough idea of where she was going when. I’ve heard plenty of stories of young people who go travelling and end up hurt/ill and while it provides some comfort that he is with people they all seem to lack self preservation! I also worry that he is more focussed on looking after this girl he’s fallen for than looking after himself. I remind him things like oh don’t carry her bag through customs then he says it’s fine as half her stuff is in his!! I know she’s probably lovely and fine but I’m worried she may not be and is using him and it could backfire.

Anyway thank you again for all the advice and for just making me feel seen.

I never told my parents anything when I was a young adult. My adult children tell me everything and sometimes I wonder why. Infact sometimes I think why have you told me that? I wouldn't have told my mum that. Different personalities, different times, they were brought up differently I guess. It is hard OP, much easier when they are tiny when you can protect them from the world.

My four kids are now late 20s and early 30s and our worries are a lot less than when they were early 20s. I think Uni and the time afterwards is a stressful uncertain time for many. You want to have loads of fun and be independent but it's not always easy. You are often living in shitty expensive rentals with immature flatmates and you don't really know what is going to happen with jobs etc. Throw in MH issues or actual health issues then it's no surprise it's stressful.

I'm friends with a big group and we all have kids that are now late 20s or older. When the were younger there was always someone's kid who was going through some drama or other. All of us had our worries albeit for bigger things or smaller things. Everything has settled down so much now they are older.

OP, I found that I got anxious as menopause kicked in. I had never been a worrier so was shocked by it. It's not a good combo if it ties in with your kids having worries.

One thing that's really good is that your kids all sound very bright. That's a big help. They really should all be ok. Hope your daughter get help with her arthritis.

I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis at 18 @Rockomum so I do understand the struggles for your DD1. I’m in my forties now so it was a long time ago. The treatments now are so much better so hopefully she’s under the right care and things will improve for her.

As for your other children, I get it. I thought it would be such a relief when mine got older that I wouldn’t have the same worries. My eldest is 20 and I think I worry more about him now than when he was younger, but they will all find their way (I mean we did, and I definitely caused my parents lots of worry at that age).

Op when I read that you said they are trying to stress you on purpose I thought maybe they were being rude or awful to you but your kids having anxiety or having poor mental health isn't about you, It's about them. I think you need to step up especially for your son who has just broken up with his gf if he is so far away, don't make excuses he is far or therapy is expensive. You chose to have 4 kids so toughen up abit and if all 4 are having issues then you might want to look closer to home as to why. Stop making this about your feelings when they are the ones stressed.

What a mean spirited and snide post. Why do some posters spend their time trying to be nasty. It's sad.

I get the fact that young adults are a constant worry but the fact that you say that you worry less about the child with the life limiting condition because she is at home , makes me think there are loss of control issues here too.
I would work really hard on letting that go.

OP, I hear you. It’s impossible not to worry about our children, who remain our beloved children as they grow up and their issues are such that can’t be easily soothed away. In early twenties, yes, they’re adults, but I find mine still turn to us for advice/help/validation/reassurance even when life is ticking along ok. Mobile phones make our lives more connected nowadays too. Which doesn’t always make things easier. I try not to worry about the things I can do nothing about, but it’s hard. Sounds like you have worries coming at you from all directions right now.

It’s harsh but not mean spirited - looking at the positives is something young people have lost. I see it with my own. Apart from the eldest DD all of these kids are in privileged situations experiencing normal life at that stage. It shouldn’t be made in to this really hard time the poor DC have to go through - they are lucky, heartbreak, finding friends, struggling with courses are all totally normal. Why make them more than they are.

I don’t think it’s a control thing. I think that it’s hard when people you love and care about deeply come to you upset and clearly needing help but due to distance or circumstances your hands at tied.
For DD1 we are able to be present, I feel like when she is upset I’m better able to help which obviously lifts some of the worry versus not being able to help at all.

I'm finding parenting adults definitely the hardest stage. They don't know how much I worry, but I do. And it's really hard to know what the balance is between keeping my nose out, and being too interfering. I want to be supportive and helpful, and to be part of their lives, but not intrusive, and it's the thinnest of tightropes.

And of course as a grandparent on Mumsnet, the perils and pitfalls of getting it wrong are pointed out to me every day!

Honestly, it sounds like you have emotionally checked out or have a heart of stone.

The expression "you are only as happy as your unhappiness child" is so true.

@Rockomum I hear you. You never stop worrying about your children if they are having a hard time, no matter how old they are.

Ignore the "they are adults" posts from the hard hearted.

I agree OP. I find parenting my similarly aged DCs just as stressful. We are close so, no I'm not distant from them and their everyday lives..
I feel I could do any other age standing on my head but this is a special form of torture- largely unmentioned.
Might go with the meditation mentioned above.

That's really harsh. OP is not 'making it about her' but she is part of the dynamic of her family and is entitled to her feelings just as her children are, and has come here for support in managing them.

It's what this place is supposed to be for.

DD2 - try not to talk about "dropping out" of university, as that will reinforce feelings of failure and isolation

Better to talk about changing direction / focusing on what course would suit her better. And emphasise that, in grand scheme of things, repeating one year of study is no time at all

Toddlerhelp is right.

When I worked in nursing homes there were quite a few lovely 80/90+ year old women, still worrying and fretting about their children (and sometimes grandchildren). There were a few who didn't, but without offence, they weren't very pleasant women.

When I was going off on maternity leave I was told repeatedly that 'you'll never stop worrying'.

They were right. Dc are teenagers but I can't imagine a magical cut off in a few years where I just say 'Welp, you,re an adult now good job I don't have to worry ever again!'

My mother used to talk about what life in a tribe was like (her grandmother had told her) and it was natural for the oldest women to still be watching over and guiding all the younger members. I think it's just a natural maternal instinct, probably one that ensured offsprings survival in the past!

OP just wanted to sympathise and say I get it, I never realised that there would be this much worry once my DC were adults (very similar ages to yours), I thought that my job was to get them to adulthood and then I'd have succeeded. My lovely MIL recently said to me that you never stop worrying about them. I also have one with arthritis and the worry is awful but there is a system which she is in, so you're doing all you can if you are helping her navigate that and advocating for her. Your DS2 would be a concern for me. Do either you or your DH have workplace employee assistance schemes through which he could access counselling? He may still qualify as a dependent as he's in full time education.

BTW I had a son who broke up with a long time girlfriend and although it was definitely the right decision and he was ok about it I made sure he knew we were super supportive. I asked if he fancied a visit and he said he did so I travelled to his uni and we hung out for a couple of days. Just because they are young and they are dealing with it well doesn't mean it's not a big deal.

OP, are your kids supportive of one another. Now mine are older it's great to see how much support they give each other.

And you are exceptionally lucky to have 4 young adult DC who are successful at this stage of their lives, even if not exactly as you hoped/expected.

nothing to worry about travelling on national express, or other buses.

Are you always so completely lacking in empathy?