To find parenting adults so stressful

[Rockomum]

Evening all, I’m really struggling right now and looking to see if anyone else feels the same.
I have 4 children, all of whom seem to be aiming to stress me out as much as possible.

DS1 is 24, he is off travelling, he started on a group tour but met 2 guys and 2 girls and has been travelling with them since, he’s head over heels for one of these girls and they have absolutely no plan. They all seem very free spirited which has meant missed planes and trains, multiple nights sleeping on airport floors, nights spent sleeping on a beach or in random places like that, lost one of his bankcards, hospital trip for a knee injury which he hasn’t at all rested and a seemingly endless amount of drinking.

DS2 is 22, just been broken up with and cheated on by the girl he’s been with since he was 15, trying to complete his masters, really struggling with his mental health, overwhelmed trying to work long hours as we can’t really help with money. He keeps telling us he feels lost and we trying to arrange therapy but private is expensive and NHS waiting lists are long. He lives 200 miles away so we can’t visit often and is struggling finding a social life apart from his ex.

DD1 is 20 and lives at home, she has arthritis which has had her more or less bed bound this winter. Her anxiety is through the rough from missing uni and friends. Constantly panicking about her future as she has no idea what she wants to do, has very low self esteem, feels envious of her siblings who are more independent and especially of DS1 as his life seems very exciting but inaccessible to DD. She cries most days, she has panic attacks and she’s had therapy etc.

DD2 is 18, first year of uni in London. Has had awful experiences with men on nights out, struggling to make friends, not enjoying her course very much. We are struggling to help her financially as London is so expensive it takes up all our budget on accommodation, so she has her minimum loan and a part time job she hates as people are rude. She calls me once a week wanting to come home but trains are expensive and she doesn’t always feel safe on the national express bus.

Meanwhile DH and I are struggling as there is so much stress, and DH had a cancer scare recently (luckily not cancer but we were scared). We both work long hours and when we come home there is always a kid to stress about and we aren’t young anymore so it takes it toll.

Every stage of having kids has had its hard parts but right now I’d do anything for teenagers again, living at home, where the problems were cleaning rooms, attitudes and homework. Or kids where it was fall outs with friends and running around to clubs every night. Now it feels like the problems are bigger, it’s their happiness, health, wellbeing, safety and future on the line. Everything they do has very real consequences.

I can’t sleep most nights for worrying, mostly about DS1 as I end up picturing him getting mugged on some beach or losing his phone. But the others too as they are struggling so much and I feel helpless.

Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU to feel like this?

I went to university in London and I found it hard to settle. Lots of people dropped on and off courses throughout the first year. One of the people I became good friends with had such a bad first year at a different college they were kicked out and joined my course. He did very well in the end. I bet his parents worried like crazy that first year!
I love that idea by a previous poster to put a time limit on it. I reckon if DD2 still hasn't settled by Easter up sticks for year 2. It's not the end of the world to change your mind. Also tell your number 2 son I'm massively jealous that he is doing a masters in Economics! I wanted to do Economics but my maths is too poor. So he must be a right clever one. And he can do all sorts of things with a masters. I think the people I'm most in awe of are professors of economics.

i agree op it is very hard when they are away and unhappy
it is a rough time of year, january/february.
things will brighten up soon

I get it op. We have two DDs of 24 and 21. The worries get more serious and yYou have less control. In a few years you will out of the transition phase with them and will be able to step back . The worries will still be there but you will be less involved. Your eldest is having a great time, he’s old enough to make his own mistakes and suffer the consequences. He’s not alone. I’d pay more attention to your middle two. DS is heartbroken but he needs to see there is life and hope beyond the girlfriend. He needs to join some clubs and societies or get another part time job. I really hope your DD can get some relief for her pain. That sucks at her age.
Get some time for you, do you do any hobbies that take your mind off all the children? Yoga ? Dressmaking ? The lack of control is what I have found the hardest. It was so easy when you could scoop them up and look after them. I think it’s why I stopped at two, I just knew I didn’t have enough in me to spread 4 ways . Good luck op.

dentistry is one of the most stressful careers ever and constantly being eroded ha ha by the NHS 🥺
practices outside of cities will pay less per UDA or have less private work available because they’re outside a city of course 🥴

Wow! You sound very bitter and full of spite. It doesn’t matter whether you think OP’s problems are worry worthy or not. Our problems are all relative to us.

Not really sure why you would belittle a young man with MH worries when they are in the highest category for suicide. A young DD bed bound and in agony…take a look in the mirror and ask yourself why you are so angry.

I’m sorry about DD1 - she has a lifelong problem that she will have to learn to negotiate. You can help with support.

But you must also realise that the other three are just living their lives and they need to do that. Most students have social issues at some point. Living in a city isn’t the horror you seem to feel - many embrace city life. If they are to become resilient, they need to get on with their lives. Yes, offer support but don’t inflict your worries on them. And congratulations in having four children who have chosen great degrees which will lead to stellar careers.

Yes, menopause leads to more heightened worries. But you need to find strategies to help you cope. Get DH to answer the phone. Shut down long conversations and say ‘So what are you going to do?’ Fill your mind with other stuff (do you work?). Believe you have bought your DC up to be strong adults and let them be and grow up.

And DS1 sounds to be having the time of his life - and on his own hard earned money too. Tell him how proud you are of him.

It's not intended to be harsh . Ppl don't have poor mental health to annoy another person. Yes op needs to be able to talk about her stress of course I don't doubt for one minute it's not easy but op needs a reality check of the seriousness of mental health. It is not OK to suggest they are doing this to stress her, so how you've come to the conclusion she's not making it about herself is beyond me. Her son is far and waiting for support , she needs to act instead of making excuses. I don't say this to be mean, I'm saying it to make her think, if this post is genuine then her kids especially her son who is far need her to step up and be proactive and finding solutions at a time they can't. This platform is for talking and getting support however it's also a place where ppl get led into a path of being oblivious to hard facts.

Empathy for whom? I have tremendous empathy for people with real problems, like my neighbour's daughter - a young carer or other people in similarly distressing conditions.

The OP said in her first post that her daughter didn’t always feel safe on them. Perhaps we should believe her?

Perhaps she has had a bad experience of some creepy man planting himself next to her and having to put up with him for the entire journey? I had that happen on a train at a similar age when I was sitting in a window seat and a man sat down in the aisle seat. He became increasingly hostile when I wouldn’t play along and eventually I had to push past him (luckily the seat-pitch was wide) and ran through the carriages to get the conductor.

@Rockomum the university is the first port of call but have you looked at your local Relate for counselling? Some have funding to provide counselling to young people. There is also benevolent funding for people in certain trades or professions and their families.

Being there is often not enough. The kind of problems adult children have can be life changing/ life ending even, and there is nothing you can do.

Watching a wobbly newly adult teen navigate the world can be nerve shredding. You add chronic illness, heartbreak, safety issues and a whole host of problems that drip in on sometimes a daily basis it can be a hell of a lot to hold day in and day out.

I don’t have anxiety, and have never suffered or been a worrier of any sort, but when my 18 year old is missing for hours on end at 3am in her university city, 600 miles away, it’s hard to be relaxed trust me!

Or when the other one has a rash and has all of the symptoms of meningitis but won’t see the dr because she can’t work out who she registered with. 800 miles away.
Or the fact they were in a car with someone without a licence etc etc, It’s bloody relentless. And eventually you get tired of being tired. It’s a uniquely helpless feeling.
And I am aware these are the best case scenarios - many parents have to deal with suicidal children, drug taking, criminal activity and worse.

Your MIL can be managed with boundaries, and she needs professional help but be kind, there will be reasons why she is the way she is.

Meanwhile, enjoy your baby and knowing she is safely in her cot each night. That’s all I am saying!!

Oh OP I couldn't agree with you more. It's like when the noro ripped through the siblings sequentially when they were toddlers/little ones. Just one after another, then they'd be ok for a week and somebody would get a cold and it would all start again BUT a million times more worrying and tiring.

I don't get the old - they are over 18 so you should be carefree mentality. Our hardest times with the most amount of worrying have been after our children turned 18 respectively. They were a breeze through school.

You want to help but not enable, love but not indulge expectation, be a safe harbour but not a doss house. This for each child in cycles is not easy.

I have no advice just sympathy. 🌺

In some ways our generation are a victim of our own success. We have lovely close relationships with our children but as a result we know more and are more invested.

When I and my friends were that stage we didn’t tell our parents much. The concept of the young person protecting the parents from stuff that might worry about them seems to have gone. My parents didn’t know the half of my concerns in my twenties.

Also technology. I was on my own on a work trip and got caught up in a semi dangerous situation in a foreign country was 25. Kept ringing my parents and leaving messages to keep them updated. They were on holiday and got back to my messages about a week later they hadn’t even known I was there! That would never happen now.

I think we worry forever about our babies however old they get. Mine are 26,24,19 and 15 right now. The eldest I’m worried about as he seems to be a bit stagnant. He’s living with a family member who has depression which I don’t think helps him look outward to the future. He has a job but it isn’t anything that can offer progression where he currently is. My 24yo is doing ok right now except frustrated
she can’t afford a place of her own. I’m worried about the 19yo as she is fed up with her college course and with a lovely boyfriend but he seems to have little drive. They both seem a little lost right now. I won’t let her leave college until she has a plan what she would do if she leaves. The 15yo is about to start GCSE exams so she needs support with that right now.

The positive about adult children is that they also try to support you more too in a way they couldn’t as children.

Exactly this. Sounds like most of the stress in DS1 life is his own doing, leave him to it. DS2 will just get over it. Sounds harsh and first love/breakups does feel like the end of the world but that's temporary.
dD1 and dD2 need your support, can your youngest sort her courses out, that would change her outlook?

but on the bus you have the driver and you are in close proximity to other passengers on the whole, this is not aimed at you @BadSkiingMum but the op can convince her dd on the safety of bus travel

@Hwi
Empathy for whom? I have tremendous empathy for people with real problems, like my neighbour's daughter - a young carer or other people in similarly distressing conditions.

Ok, so you don't think the OP should be worrying but why come on the thread and post so unpleasantly. What is the point? You don't even appear to be trying to be kind about it. It's like you want to make the OP feel bad.
I just don't understand why anyone would want to do that. I find it pathetic and nasty.

I hear you OP, 4DSs here ages 20 to 32, all still at home (in expensive south east), two on autistic spectrum, very stressed out DH with own business wondering if any of them are going to ever leave home, all four of our parents still alive (which is lovely) but 3 have dementia so brings additional stress. I’m a ball of anxiety with thyroid issues which doesn’t help. I’ve taught myself crochet in the last couple of weeks just to try and deal with my anxiety levels.

Don’t have any advice but just to say you are not alone🙂

Yes. I understand. I have three in comparable levels of concern. I’m a single parent and they all live - or have come back to live - with me.

It sounds hard but I think you're worrying about the wrong child tbh, DS1 sounds like he's having a great time and can look after himself, leave him to it (assume you're not finding this travelling because if you are stop).

DD2 sounds unhappy, could she transfer to a different uni closer to home either to start 2nd year on a similar course or start afresh on something new? Lots of people do change courses and it's not the end of the world. Better to change now than be miserable for another 2 years.

DS2 and DD2 sound like they need the most help. Does DS2 need to be still living where he is or could he finish the rest of his masters from home? Most of the time the last couple of months at least involve a lot of writing rather than practical work so he could do that anywhere. Are there mental health services he can access through his Uni? Has he talked to his masters supervisor?

DD2 it's understandable that she's feeling down, is she getting all the help she's entitled to for her disability to help her get out of the house more?

Yes - close bonds create much of this. Remaining connected by technology means we never get to switch off. Nor do I want to be especially. I like to know how they are. What matters to them. How they are feeling. But it is tiring.

Technology allows connectivity wherever you are in the world, but overall I am much, much closer to my children than I ever was with my parents. I am not sure my parents really even knew me, and certainly had no idea what my life experience was like… so different these days for switched on parents ( I say that as not every parent feels like this, some will off load their dc as soon as humanly possible and not look back)

Presumably , getting on a National Express coach to come home would be quicker for your youngest DD . Why does she fee it's unsafe ?

Yes when DD was at uni I was worried stiff, she was diagnosed with epilepsy and then picked a really difficult topic for her masters dissertation (quite a few stress meltdowns). Add in the usual uni problems (flat share disputes, breaks up and friendship dramas etc). Then she relocated cities for a grad job and the worry didn't stop.

She's 25 now and is in a long term relationship with a man who looks after her so well and she has a good job, she's so happy. The worry has def subsided.

@Rockomum I just want to say all of this is very normal. My DCs are older now- in their 30s.

We experienced a lot of what you did and without being harsh, it is 'normal' life.
All parents worry about their children for life!

Mine worried about me (and still do).

One DC did a lot of travelling- interrailing, several trips to India and the Far East. Yes, it was very worrying, knowing they were overseas with Delhi Belly and feeling terrible and fighting off the mosquitoes. But you have to let them fly the nest - so they learn and grow.

Another DC split with their long term partner - met at uni- and had to leave the house they shared. We had to step up with some temporary financial support just until they got enough of their own money saved for the next flat they rented.

The good thing is that your kids are able to talk to you about their experiences. That's far better than you not knowing how they are feeling.

I think that it's YOU that you need to worry about.
Maybe some counselling or even talking to a close friend can help you get some perspective. It's easy for other people to say but there comes a time when you have to step back and try to get some distance or you'll end up exhausted.

If your DCs are at uni, they can access student counselling and also talk to the welfare office for support. This is exactly what they are there for.

Know what you mean with the worry. Guess it’s all relative but, despite the health problems, your DC sound v driven and successful. And v lucky you give them money.

Mine all at home. I’m on my own and rent going up hundreds a month each year. Can only afford basics, so can’t help mine out financially. In fact, need them to contribute to keep roof over our heads. Housing’s a bloody joke! Eldest dropped out of good degree in debt (despite working night shifts), then basic job with v long shifts for year to clear it, but not worked for ages. Had life-saving surgery as a teen (touch and go) and other traumatic stuff since, so IMHO needs time and space to process it all. Another living at home while at uni to avoid costs. Youngest had shocker with GSCEs so taking scenic route via BTECs.

I do worry. But we get on great. They’re healthy, bright, outgoing and sound, so I know they’ll sort themselves out eventually. I left home young and always worked, but my mates were on dole at that age, in bands, living in squats etc.

Try not to worry about your eldest. I travelled the world for a couple of years at his age. Best thing I ever did. Gives you a different perspective on your own life. And he’s really lucky you send him money. I had to be self-sufficient. Got to one city with only a few quid left and had to work 7 days a week to save to travel back home. He’ll manage. Don’t feel you have to give them money though.

Lots of this sounds fairly normal.

There’s no point worrying about the travelling son as you can’t change anything. Tell him just to tell you the good bits if it’s bothering you.

Heartbroken son will get over it- just keep supporting.

Daughter with arthritis- there’s no reason for someone with arthritis to be in bed all of the time. There are lots of medications out there now- if her disease isn’t controlled then she needs to go back to her team and ask for an appt- (you usually get a nurse helpline- leave a message).

Your husband doesn’t have cancer so you can now stop worrying about that.

You have 4 kids which is a lot. It isn’t your job to solve all their problems, just to support them through it.