To find parenting adults so stressful

[Rockomum]

Evening all, I’m really struggling right now and looking to see if anyone else feels the same.
I have 4 children, all of whom seem to be aiming to stress me out as much as possible.

DS1 is 24, he is off travelling, he started on a group tour but met 2 guys and 2 girls and has been travelling with them since, he’s head over heels for one of these girls and they have absolutely no plan. They all seem very free spirited which has meant missed planes and trains, multiple nights sleeping on airport floors, nights spent sleeping on a beach or in random places like that, lost one of his bankcards, hospital trip for a knee injury which he hasn’t at all rested and a seemingly endless amount of drinking.

DS2 is 22, just been broken up with and cheated on by the girl he’s been with since he was 15, trying to complete his masters, really struggling with his mental health, overwhelmed trying to work long hours as we can’t really help with money. He keeps telling us he feels lost and we trying to arrange therapy but private is expensive and NHS waiting lists are long. He lives 200 miles away so we can’t visit often and is struggling finding a social life apart from his ex.

DD1 is 20 and lives at home, she has arthritis which has had her more or less bed bound this winter. Her anxiety is through the rough from missing uni and friends. Constantly panicking about her future as she has no idea what she wants to do, has very low self esteem, feels envious of her siblings who are more independent and especially of DS1 as his life seems very exciting but inaccessible to DD. She cries most days, she has panic attacks and she’s had therapy etc.

DD2 is 18, first year of uni in London. Has had awful experiences with men on nights out, struggling to make friends, not enjoying her course very much. We are struggling to help her financially as London is so expensive it takes up all our budget on accommodation, so she has her minimum loan and a part time job she hates as people are rude. She calls me once a week wanting to come home but trains are expensive and she doesn’t always feel safe on the national express bus.

Meanwhile DH and I are struggling as there is so much stress, and DH had a cancer scare recently (luckily not cancer but we were scared). We both work long hours and when we come home there is always a kid to stress about and we aren’t young anymore so it takes it toll.

Every stage of having kids has had its hard parts but right now I’d do anything for teenagers again, living at home, where the problems were cleaning rooms, attitudes and homework. Or kids where it was fall outs with friends and running around to clubs every night. Now it feels like the problems are bigger, it’s their happiness, health, wellbeing, safety and future on the line. Everything they do has very real consequences.

I can’t sleep most nights for worrying, mostly about DS1 as I end up picturing him getting mugged on some beach or losing his phone. But the others too as they are struggling so much and I feel helpless.

Does anyone else feel like this? AIBU to feel like this?

That sounds a lot op.

I think the biggest difference these days is we’re all so contactable. In my early 20s you had to queue for a payphone and I bothered my mother with very little. Ignorance was no doubt bliss for her and for me the lack of contact fostered self reliance. One thing I’ve noticed with my own DC and this ease of contact is that they message me in a panic for which I offer calm advice or just listen. I’m then left worrying all week. When we next catch up I’m anxious about how they are and they’ve long since moved on from the issue (or didn’t even give it another thought)!!!

Your eldest is having a blast and there is safety in numbers. He has his degree and work experience to build from when he’s back. I’d really try not to worry too much about him. You probably gave him on Life360 and can see his whereabouts.

The other son needs to lick his wounds and learn a life lesson about not putting all his eggs in one basket. He now needs to join some clubs (universities have loads) and carve a new social life. It’s right to worry about young men’s mental health but it sounds like he’s talking and sharing, which is good. Encourage him to make contact with the universities support services. He has very good job prospects from studying 2 very hard degrees.

Your daughter’s arthritis sounds very challenging. Other than optimising her medical care I would be looking at fostering her interests and friendships. Often there are support groups for YA with disabilities and she might form friendships there.

Your other daughter is showing great resilience ploughing on with her course despite not enjoying university. I think she needs to unpick what she is struggling with. If it’s the whole package she can look at transferring elsewhere through clearing once the first year is finished. Or take a year out and work or travel. Lots move universities and settle fine at the next one.

I’d look at blocking a day or half day in your week to do something nice, by yourself or with your partner, to switch off and do something enjoyable, for your own pleasure. it’s very likely that your YA children will be fine, while you make yourself ill / age prematurely through worry.

Work out what you need to know about who?

You sound very involved (especially in the adult who is travelling).

One of my learnings was if you don't ask, you can’t worry!

Harsh but true.

Based on asking my DS about his plans for the weekend, he was driving 300 mikes to a party and back. I worried the whole weekend, text to checkk he was ok, checked to see if he was sober enough to drive back, checked he arrived back safely…if I hadn’t asked, I wouldn't have known. He would still have made all of the safe choices he did make, without me!

@PontiacFirebird Yes this! Beyond 18 my parents had no idea what I was up to. I went to uni, got my first job moved counties several times. I guess the world has changed but I wonder why. Don’t get me wrong I knew my parents were there as a safety net and if I was in dire need I would have had no hesitation in asking them to help me. Seems a shame that all these young adults are missing out in that amazing sweet taste of independence

Yes but sometimes it takes one extra thing and you’re overwhelmed.

Maybe but it sounds more like chronic overwhelm to me.

OP, I can imagine that it must be hard to turn off the worry-switch, even though your children are now adults and need to learn to work out how to live their lives themselves. Could you perhaps get some therapy yourself? In the title you mention "parenting" adult children, however, they don't need parenting. You might never be able to stop worrying entirely, but I am concerned you might harm the relationship you will have with them if you still try to parent them at this age. They won't accept it and it will cause conflicts down the line. At their ages they need to fall flat on their faces a few times before they learn what does work. The same applied to you when you first started out as an adult.

I think the only child who really needs your support is your 20 year old daughter. It must be awful dealing with such severe health problems, especially at that age. However, even here, I wonder if you are worrying too much on her behave and therefore inadvertently add to the worries she already has for her own health and future.

To try to get to the point, you can't know what the future will bring. You can only focus on what you can do right now. I would back off from trying to parent any of your kids. They are all adults now. Give them advise if they ask for it and listen to their problems, but also realize that these problems are theirs and theirs to solve. It's a little harder with you 20 year old daughter, but I also think it's important, especially given her condition, that you treat her like the adult she is. Offer what support you can, but not the detriment of yourself and your husband.

Your job as a parent is now largely done and I think you are struggling with the transition from being an active parent to building mature relationships with your children for the rest of your lives.

Your oldest son sounds like me at that age. Travelling. Missing flights. Sleeping on beaches. No plan. Totally carefree. The absolute best time of my life. Honestly, I realise my parents probably had the same worries. Though there was no smart phones back then so they’d go months without hearing from me as I rarely called or emailed. He’s having the time of his life. He will be ok and it’s the best thing to do. The absolute best. Jobs can wait. Seeing the world is everything.

The other 2 at uni just sounds like normal life stuff. Which is hard but something they need to navigate. Break ups, uni life, big cities etc. It’s a part of growing up and learning to deal with real life, it’s never plain sailing. There will always be stresses to go through and it’s important to develop the resilience to cope with it.

The middle DD with the illness is the only one I would really worry about, will she ever be able to get a job and live independently? I guess that’s what we want for our children ultimately. I hope you can access all the right medical care to help her and some charity support

All very wise words here. Agree.

Part of the growing up process is to learn how to take the knocks that life throws at you. If you as a parent react like its the end of the world then your dc will think that way too. Life can suck . But it goes on and we learn by our mistakes and become more resilient. I don't want to seem harsh on you but your kids need to learn to cope on their own. Mummy can't solve all the world's problems. Self help and self resilience are key tools to develop. Detach yourself little by little. They will be okay.

But none for a bed bound DD with a chronic illness or her parents? Weird!

Just because they’re 19 doesn’t mean we just leave them be, it is the state that says their are legally adult but as we know all kids mature at different ages and some still need a high level of support. I also think your point about worrying about boyfriends and how partners are treating your children is completely valid at 19 we are not as emotionally mature and I myself got into a relationship that I thought was amazing even though a large percentage of the time i was crying and being controlled regarding where i was going (the library) who with etc etc. I had no one to say this isn’t right and relationships don’t have to be that way. Society (music videos, movies, upbringing taught me that you stick with your partner no matter what. 18-25 is when they need a lot of support and guidance.

I hear you OP, although I’m coming up a few years behind you. It sounds like you’ve done a great job with your kids and they are all doing well in their own way. Your ds1 is less risk adverse as you’d like but he’s with friends, self supporting and having a brilliant time. He will be learning stuff in his adventure that will make him more resilient, more skilled, more open minded and more fun than he could have learned spending this year at his finance job. He’s a clever boy with a good degree and he will be fine. Your ds2 - of course he’s devastated about his gf, he’d be made of stone if he wasn’t but he needs to be allowed to grow through it. Very few people end up forever with the person they were with at 15 and he’s had a good run. He’s never had a breakup before and his first is a bad one so he needs to take his time. He is sporty and has hobbies so this will give him a social life outside of his ex. He’s at uni in a uni town so he should be able to access new experiences and a new social life easier than a working adult. Universities have a lot of resources to give young people and he needs too explore that - my ds got cbt through uni quicker than on the nhs. Dd1 is your biggest worry. You can’t do anything to magic her out of her arthritis and you are right, moving from child to adult services is hard. She needs to build her life around the body she has and all you can do is support her in that. ds2 sounds miserable but she has options. Does she actually want to be a dentist? Sometimes with these difficult to get onto courses, kids decide rather naively in about y9 that that is what they will do and then it’s a colossal effort and everyone knows they what they are aiming for and then when they eventually get what they wanted it turns out they didn’t want it at all. And why London? Did she have an idea that she wanted to live in London and really push for it because, honestly, she could have gone to Newcastle and lived off her loan without needing to work a horrible part time job where people are rude to her. If she wants to be a dentist and wants to stay in London then she needs to broaden her social sphere and get a different job. These are solvable problems. If she wants to be a dentist out of London then she needs to look at transferring/reapplying. If she doesn’t want to be a dentist, then frankly, with the grades and effort she’s made to get on her current course, the world is her oyster. It’s unsettling - you want to turn to the last page and find out what happens at the end, but you just have to wait.
Your dc are all, separately, negotiating their own lives, the way they learned to cruise along the furniture because yiu didn’t carry them everywhere, and they learned to negotiate the social order of their reception class and learned all sorts of other things that have got them to this point. They are still learning and mum picking them up and carrying them is not what they need.
As as aside I know what she means about the bus - I use them a lot and they are full of slouchy ass youths. I use Flix, which has a driver plus a, for want of a better word, bouncer, but idk if NE have that. Anyway I book a seat up near the front near the driver and bouncer. Not lovely, but it gets me about.

I would agree with some posting about worry less - hard to do but its about detaching yourself - sounds like you could do with a bit of therapy too.

Online therapists are quite popular - services offering qualified peeps - I know some who have benefited but need to DYOR in terms of finding right one with quals etc.

24yr old - yes life learning stuff, keep in touch , try and have a small rescue fund
DD with arthritis what are the NHS doing to enrich her life, does she get any benefits to help with extra costs, what are Uni doing - is that the right place for her - would online stuff help with keeping her up to date? Broken up Son - he needs some help with perspective - therapy again but try online - most of it for this sort of thing is talking therapy anyway.
London Uni - mine is there and its hard. Is it the right place for her - should she look to transfer? Heart to heart needed with her at the least maybe change the pt job

If your mum had said he wasn’t right you would not have listened.

The point is that there is very little you can actually do as a parent. It’s all very well saying the young adult is immature making bad relationship choices etc and you are probably right but you are powerless. You can’t barge into her room clip him round the ear and say she’s not allowed to go out with him anymore or you’ll take away her phone. I think that’s why as parents we actually have to be able to disassociate to some extent or we will drive ourselves mad.

You shouldn’t have had four children if you can’t afford to support them financially when they most need it. Unless there’s been a significant change in your circumstances of course. That’s a hill I’m willing to die on

One thing that helps me sometimes when it all gets too much (maybe my profession helps me with this) of the spectrum of issues my dc could be facing - this is the very soft end (dd1 excluded) they are facing mostly normal trials and tribulations, and in the scheme of things it could be much much worse (excluding dd1 ofc) They are learning to be adults and it’s bumpy!

A bit harsh. I would suggest you read the whole thread.

OP cares and worries just as much about her DD1 as she does for all of her other DCs, but her DD1 is at home, so she is very much there for her to help her and advocate for her.

There’s a huge difference when you’ve got DC’s really struggling who are hundreds if not thousands of miles away.

I think the responses to this thread are interesting in themselves. I would find the DD1 and her chronic condition a massive worry but the others I would worry about but not so that it consumed me. It’s all normal. However, some posters seem to view the normal heartbreak, not settling, travelling as something very challenging to overcome.

It really is a reflection of life - we need to be careful we don’t make the everyday these huge obstacles to overcome.

Our parents would have worried but I think that generation had a confidence in themselves and their children that it would all work out in the end - and it usually did !!

This is it! It’s all normal stuff for most of the kids. Need to let that stuff go and focus on the important stuff / things that can be changed.

That.

The most difficult thing I find about parenting adults is the powerlessness. When your kids are younger you have some control and can 'do something' when things go wrong. That's removed when they're grown and gone.

OP is able to support and monitor the DD who is at home, and advocate for her. That makes a huge difference to the type of concern and the way she feels it.

OP you have plenty to care about by broken hearts and courses that aren’t right are as ordinary as scabbed knees and untidy rooms once were. There is more to come - houses that fall through, children, divorces - you need to work on your responses to make help possible but worry less. Your dd’s issues are more serious but this feels more controlled - maybe your role is more clear. As for your eldest - has qualifications I a lucrative sector, the wit to enjoy life, communication skills to make friends and is having a great time. It’s working for him so far so his risk assessment skills aren’t too bad. Missed planes and beach sleeps are not problems for him so don’t need to be for you.

YANBU its so hard now to be a parent in general, life might be easier and more luxurious (for some) in many ways but expectations from parents are so high. In the past when a child was 18 they would be mostly working and soon after out of the house and married. Now they need support well into adulthood with uni, money, mental health, relationships, housing. They often end up back at home which I don't think is ideal for anyone as people tend to slip into the old patterns and I really think it holds development back and stops parents from moving on past constant parenting. I mean these days parents of young children are advised to save for their kids education, house deposit and believe it or not their child's retirement! I could barely afford to save for these things for myself! Your child will have friends whose parents who can and do pay for these things for them and when you are unable to do so for them it will be a massive injustice in their eyes.

Then even when finally do move out permanently and get settled they it won't be long before you are expected to give up your time and space to provide often times quite substantial amounts of childcare and if you don't or can't do all they ask because you are still working to put a roof over your own head that will also be a reason to tell you what a failure of a parent you are.

I have a neighbour who's son is in his 40's and is still often returning to live at home because while he works and has a family he also has addiction issues and while he is using his wife won't have him in the home with the kids which is fair enough but its a huge burden on his mum and her relationship with her partner who has actually now moved out due to the son constantly boomeranging back home. Its very difficult for her at a time she just wants peace but then she feels her son needs her.

Obviously some parents will be lucky but often times it remains incredibly difficult well into adulthood. I think if many knew how difficult it can be and how long the responsibility and work continues I am not sure so many people would be rushing to have kids, already they aren't.

I’ve read the whole thread and I don’t necessarily mean control in a harsh way, I mean it in a modern parenting way. We are all so obsessed with making our children happy - smoothing their paths etc - that we forget that life has ups and downs and that they are utterly normal for them. We control so much of our DC lives that when we can’t we worry, worry and then worry some more.

A lot of that worry is down to the fact that we can’t control the experience for our DC, not because it’s particularly worrisome.

I think it’s no harm to point out to the OP that , apart from DD1, this is all a normal part of growing up. Stressful , yes but she’s 3 kids that got to Uni and are starting to live independently. Surely that is something to be positive about rather than consumed with worry about.?

I worry lots about my DC, it’s normal but these are mostly not big worries (apart from DD1) and that needs to be recognised by the OP to manage this stage of life

DD2 is only a couple of months in. Is she engaging with the dental school societies etc? The bond really builds as they go through clinical courses but she needs to put herself out there.

Men are creepy on nights out, but that’s a fact of life unfortunately. She will sadly get used to ignoring them, but it’s a shock to the system at 18. FYI this is NOT me condoning it but trying to be realistic for her sake.

On the bus, she might not love it, but there will be buses that are safer - has she tried getting one that leaves between 9 and 12?

More so for my boys as they have chosen careers which seem like they will require living in cities.

What the heck is wrong with living in cities? It is the norm for many people especially when beginning their careers and fully independent adult lives.