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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

406 replies

Likao · 07/02/2025 21:46

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

OP posts:
WateryBottle · 07/02/2025 21:52

I’m getting divorced but I was married to one, and YANBU. Clearly their job is demanding but the total obsession with it, to the extent that any request for any help/attention to our child is a mere inconvenience to it, isn’t acceptable.

Does he only do his clinical commitments or does he do extras like conferences, research etc?

his job is a big commitment, but he also has commitments to his family and it sounds like he thinks they’re optional because of his job.

Crushed23 · 07/02/2025 21:54

Sounds like bollocks to me. He should be able to reduce his hours and contribute more to child-rearing. My surgeon friends are all either part-time or don't work standard Mon-Fri so have some weekdays off. Is he quite early on in his career?

Alwaystierd · 07/02/2025 21:56

I’m 42, busy fulll time job and married to a surgeon and have a 10 year old

2024 marked the first full year we have lived under the same roof since our child was born. He has always followed the training, when he needed to do a PHD I had to work full time to pay the household expenses, as well as look after my child as his supervisor expected him to do early starts and long days.

It’s part the parcel of being married to a surgeon. My husband became a consultant this year… apparently in a few years he will have more free time (according to him) but in the mean time he has to do what his department lead tells him to which is usually working long hours whilst they do of to do private work.

mindutopia · 07/02/2025 22:02

When he’s home, he should be doing 50/50. Actually I think having a whole day childfree every weekend is more than most parents have, so you are quite fortunate in that sense. How does your childfree time outside of work each week compare?

Realistically though, he has a different job than you by the sounds of it. People wait months for a hospital appointment for clinics that are really difficult to rearrange. I was terrified that my surgeon would have some sort of emergency and need to reschedule my surgery a couple months ago. It might have meant the difference between treatable cancer and my kids not having a mum around to see them grow up.

I think the inflexibility is a bit what you sign up for in your family set up. I would say it’s not dissimilar to Dh and I. I have the more prestigious career (PhD level academic), but I have much more flexibility. I get annual leave, I get parental leave, I can wfh, I can work the hours that suit me a lot of days. Dh is self-employed. If he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid, no annual leave, no paid paternity leave. During COVID, for example, I had to reduce my hours and work while homeschooling and keeping a toddler alive. Because in order to keep the business afloat, he had to be working and he didn’t have the flexibility to do it remotely. It’s what we signed up for because the nature of our careers is just different. When he’s home though, Dh is totally hands on and 50/50 and not sitting on his bum or off golfing half the weekend. I think that’s the bit that’s key.

CaptainFuture · 07/02/2025 22:02

So he's at work a lot, which is when you're at home and parenting. You get 10-4 work free/child free one day so 6 hours every week. Does he get that?

tigerlily9 · 07/02/2025 22:03

look at it this way, this is all for his career. What happens to your finances when you divorce? Will he happily give you 50% of his income and do 50% of childcare? If so why isn’t he doing it now?

Cutito · 07/02/2025 22:06

I understand why you are so annoyed, I'm not married to a surgeon but I've worked with them and there is often so much pressure on them - but there are also occasions where they put themselves in situations to stay late/do another case etc. It's the nature of the job (and the nature of the ego that often goes before being a surgeon).

Do you think that if he showed some respect for what you do - and some genuine gratitude / interest / appreciation then you might feel a bit differently? Stuff like making the time and interest to ask how your bedtime went? Or taking DD out for a bit extra? Or even just saying he knows you work so hard? I think it's the resentment that can be the most difficult to swallow.

Supersimkin7 · 07/02/2025 22:08

aren’t consultants all part-time now?

I know one - a lone one - who isn’t.

Gnnoo · 07/02/2025 22:08

I'm friends with surgeons rather than married to one.
There's probably something in between. Although handover/theatre officially starts at 8am realistically things need to be prepped before that time so starting at 7am common. 6am seems very early if that's start time!?

Although evidently unpredictable- sometimes the efficiency is so poor the theatre runs until 8-9pm- not every day is a theatre day. What time is he getting home?

Were things different before you have kids?

My experience is most surgeons feel a sense of responsibility and ownership for their patients, and will go in to sort things out even not in the hours they are paid / job planned for. Also competitive with bottlenecks for posts, so those seen not to be committed may be overlooked.

The problem seems to be the massive expectation mismatch between you. I don't even think it's a gender thing, it's a surgeon thing. One of the female surgeons I knew with kids would stay in a hotel or air BnB instead of at home during her hot week so she wasn't disturbed when resting, her DH sorted the kids out.

DuplicateUserName · 07/02/2025 22:11

I have worked with a lot of top surgeons in the past.

And I can genuinely say there wasn't a single one of them who wasn't arrogant, up their own arse and came across as though they thought they were a gift to us all from God himself.

I don't know what it was that made them like that, but if they carried that attitude home with them, I can only imagine what family life was like for their wives and children.

Janedoe82 · 07/02/2025 22:11

You work from home and get a day of no child on Saturday. Wise up. You are in a way more fortunate position than most. Get a cleaner.

tigerlily9 · 07/02/2025 22:13

anaesthetists prep the patients, if you’re regularly expected to be working late you need to talk to your managers, you aren’t on call every day and they aren’t in theatre every day. They work similar hours to all other doctors. What about intensive care doctor's, obstetricians? They aren’t more special just because they cut.

vitdsupplements · 07/02/2025 22:14

I would pay for the help you want to prevent your resentment - ie someone to do nursery drop offs, cleaning, meal preps, some bed times or child care after nursery - whatever makes life easier.

tigerlily9 · 07/02/2025 22:16

DuplicateUserName · 07/02/2025 22:11

I have worked with a lot of top surgeons in the past.

And I can genuinely say there wasn't a single one of them who wasn't arrogant, up their own arse and came across as though they thought they were a gift to us all from God himself.

I don't know what it was that made them like that, but if they carried that attitude home with them, I can only imagine what family life was like for their wives and children.

I’m friends with some and one said it’s because they cut into people. They need to be really confident that they are right to do something so serious

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 07/02/2025 22:18

CaptainFuture · 07/02/2025 22:02

So he's at work a lot, which is when you're at home and parenting. You get 10-4 work free/child free one day so 6 hours every week. Does he get that?

Edited

This. 6 hours alone on the weekend as a parent is rare for anyone to get unless seperated. What actually hours do you work (obviously including unpaid) compared to him? Does he have 6 hours down time each week?

olympicsrock · 07/02/2025 22:18

I’m a surgeon , I do most of the child related admin in our house, I also do some bus drop offs at 7:30 .I wouldn’t be able to do later school runs. I do sometimes finish early enough to help and I go my kids school once a week to watch them play sport. I’m a consultant though so have more flexibility.
on theatre and on call days , DH works from home and knows that he is the default parent for picking up the kids. If I finish early - I let me know and do some pick ups. I wonder if he still in training if he has such little flexibility / control over what hours he does. It’s incredibly hard as a registrar.

DancingHippos · 07/02/2025 22:22

Can you get some outside help- a nanny - after nursery for a few hours each day to help you?

Romanswindowcleaner · 07/02/2025 22:23

Being married to a corporate law firm partner …your dh does shed loads more than mine did when the dc were young so I’m afraid I think YABU. It’s the job. The solution was I bought in help - every day at tea time on weekdays 5pm - 7pm, and had a cleaner 8 hours a week.

thescandalwascontained · 07/02/2025 22:25

YABU

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 07/02/2025 22:26

Thing is, it is the type of role where lives really are at stake. If there is no one else around to perform an urgent, life saving surgery then he's going to do it isn't he? It may not be compatible with family life but I also think it would be a big ask to encourage him to change careers. Fortunately for their patients being a surgeon requires unwavering dedication. I guess there are a couple of options:
He goes part time
You go part time
You get a nanny to help you out

LoztWorld · 07/02/2025 22:26

I am usually on the OP’s side in these “my husband does nothing but work” posts but they’re usually taking the piss by hanging out at the office into the evening. In this case I am not sure what you actually want him to do?

It likely is the case he has zero flexibility, I would have thought. Unfortunately solo parenting just comes with the territory when your partner is in certain professions.

Getting 10am-4pm on a weekend day to yourself is not bad at all. But I understand feeling resentful about the mental load as I’m in that place too!

If you can afford it, can either he go part-time, or you drop a day at work and put your child in nursery that day so you have an extra day to yourself?

Househunter2025 · 07/02/2025 22:27

CaptainFuture · 07/02/2025 22:02

So he's at work a lot, which is when you're at home and parenting. You get 10-4 work free/child free one day so 6 hours every week. Does he get that?

Edited

OP works full time too

Newmummy343 · 07/02/2025 22:27

This is nothing relevant to your post sorry. I just wanted to say my son has had 2 life saving operations. The last one the surgeons operated on him at 7ish at night for 4 hours. I owe my sons life to the surgeons and I am so thankful of them everyday. I don't know how easy it is for your husband to get home from work but I hope you both work it out.

Landlubber2019 · 07/02/2025 22:28

Not married to a surgeon, but I can say my husband is alot more hands on at home than yours.

However, he undoubtedly is paid a huge amount less and has less responsibility. Sadly I think when you have a job with huge responsibility, it's likely to.impact negatively on your work life balance....

sleepwouldbenice · 07/02/2025 22:29

vitdsupplements · 07/02/2025 22:14

I would pay for the help you want to prevent your resentment - ie someone to do nursery drop offs, cleaning, meal preps, some bed times or child care after nursery - whatever makes life easier.

I think this. Its important to feel valued, whatever you do. This might help

But do you also get time together?

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