If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

I'm assuming you're a woman?

I'm not married to a surgeon but an Anaesthetist. I'm a dentist. I work long days myself but still manage to get up before him,make him breakfast, feed the dog, take the dog to daycare, do 10 hours at work, pick to dog up and then cook dinner before we relax. I don't know if it's just surgeons or something they learn at medical school. Or something they learn at work.

That was my past experience.

I couldn't care less what you think 🤷‍♀️

6 hours a week in a block is the stuff of dreams for most parents! Including me!

The poster quoted "DH works from home and knows he is the default parent"
So unless a gay couple I would think so?

Your child is young. This will be miles better in just a year or two’s time and it won’t feel quite as intense.

It’s a tough time and everything feels competitive for time and task division. I used to get resentful of my husband working long hours and ‘leaving me with the kids’ but now I look back and agree that he WAS at work and he really wasn’t having the life of Riley. It’s hard to see that when you’re dealing with some of the day to day stuff.

You get most of Saturday to yourself though as well. That’s not to be underestimated…

I suppose the questions is: could he do more? Are there dc or household tasks that beome totally his responsibility (i.e. not you asking or reminding him). For example could he pack up dc's bag/lunch in the evening; could he deal with annual household bills (insurance, etc)? Could you go together to get dc's shoes, and then have lunch out so it feels more shared.

It also sounds like you want him to understand your dc-related day-to-day pressures, like asking you about the bedtime. Maybe a few sessions of counselling would help you communicate better about this.

However, I also know fathers in several jobs (including junior and senior medical ones) where they prioritise their work, and all the associated stuff (which includes general socialising). If this is what he's doing, you need to be firm.

My post was meant to imply that as a woman she is more likely to be picking up the mental load tasks that men just don't see

What was his working life before your child? What was discussed/expectation when deciding to have a child?

6 hours in one go IS a lot (just for contrast, and from what I read on MN I’m in no way hard done by, I think my DH has probably done that length in one go three or four times in three plus years) but is DD at nursery every day or do you work with her at home?

At 2 you are really in the thick of it, things get better at three and presumably when they are at school.

What does sound unfair is if you are both working full time he should be doing half the life admin for whole family and half the house cleaning. Unfortunately your job allows for pick ups and his doesn’t. If he makes a decent salary can he contribute to extra nursery days or more wrap around?

Does he offer enough emotional support? It’s quite common for mums to feel a bit depressed and lost in the early years. Don’t be afraid to reach out for extra support if needed from GP ect.

Vet married to vet here. It is difficult with vocational jobs where you can’t just walk out on time if you need to hand over a patient, something over runs or goes wrong, getting a call out when you’re not even on call, staying on/going in to cover colleague illness etc. I work pt and do get frustrated with all the extra my dh does, that it feels like it’s always work first, but I do the same job and I do understand it (and there have been times when my work has been intense and he’s had to pick up the slack for me).I think it’s harder in some ways when you work in a different industry because it’s hard to understand the sense of duty and responsibility you feel when you are there, especially for your own patients, high stakes cases etc. then the guilt kicks in on the way home when you look at the time and realise you’ve missed bedtime again.

It's likely more than the majority of mums get. My kids are older now and I don't get 6 hours a week alone every Saturday outside of work or any day of the week actually. Does your dh get a 6 hour block to himself alone outside of work every week?

Husband isn’t a surgeon but a pilot. We came very close to divorcing because dh made me feel like a skivvy. I am a SAHM so of course I know I will do the lion’s share of looking after the home and childcare. But dh was taking the absolute piss with not doing things he saw around the house - ie shoving a load on when he took his uniform out the washing machine chine, emptying the dishwasher whilst waiting for the coffee machine to get going instead of being on his phone etc.

I implore you to nip it in the bud. Dh and I left it almost too late. I’m very lucky that my dh actually responded to seeing me at the end of my tether and made the necessary changes.

This is sad: the assumption ("wives and children") that surgeons must necessarily be male. And the surgeon who in the past did a brilliant lumpectomy on me was not in the least up her arse. I am made very uncomfortable by cosmic generalizations.

If it's the same poster, they've never stopped complaining about his job, even before marriage.
They also never join in their own thread,

What am I assuming?

As I said, I worked with them and they were male 😳

I mean fair enough, they might've had husbands at home instead of wives but I know for a fact at least 3 were married to women?

Actually as your husband is a surgeon it's clearly not monday to Friday 9-5 so 6 hrs total child free time is A
very good .does he get the same I don't mean work that doesn't count but I mean no work no child .I would be happy with that .you clearly grumpy but then it's not a normal job the stress must be horrendous. You can't just say sorry delaying your op because I need to take my child to nursery you clearly can

I think you are lucky to have 10-4pm on a Saturday to yourself!! That’s very unusual. I don’t think I know of a single mum friend that has had a weekend day entirely to themselves. But you also sound burnt out. Can you get paid help?

Three lads in my class at school became surgeons, two were dead before they reached 55.
Amazing to have the skills to transform someone's life, but often seems to come with a misplaced sense of omnipotence.

My DH isn't a surgeon but he is in a similar life or death role where he can't just walk out the building when he feels like it or before he's officially completed what he needs to do. This means that despite working FT too I know I need to be the one to flex if the kids need picking up. He does pull his weight when not on shift and there have been times when we've had child related emergencies and his colleagues have pulled together to ensure he can leave and get back home to help deal with the situation.

Both parents working full time with young kids is just really really hard. And also really relentless. Unless you or him drop to part time working or get a nanny or a maid, it’ll continue to feel difficult and relentless. Don’t divorce over it.

My husband is a consultant surgeon. The training years were crap. It’s better now but it’s also crap he’s never home on time. That being said - he always tries to go to our DDs hobby whenever he can in during the week in the evenings and takes her on a sat morning. Getting that time to yourself is a pretty good deal I’d say… but a text mid way through your DHs day to ask how things are wouldn’t hurt. I’d say he’s taking the piss a bit but it’s what we sign up for…

His job does mean he can’t do more.

However that doesn’t let him off the hook. If he can’t “do more” then he either needs to arrange & pay for additional help for you, cut his hours, or let you cut yours.

He needs to pay for childcare, a cleaner, whatever so that you are t carrying the burden alone.

Three lads in my class at school became surgeons, two were dead before they reached 55.

@Whelm how did they die?

I think he should pay for the support he’s not able to provide - like a nanny for pick ups and cooking. Or a cleaner, laundry service etc.

And he should absolutely not make his job his life. And be there for your kid, but it’s such a different job I don’t know if others can understand. There’s someone on Instagram - the surgeon mum or similar? Maybe you’ll get an insight from following her.