If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

The very nature of the title will draw surgeons to answer and it being mnet they're more likely to be women surely? Hardly a great leap

My OH has a job where he could be away for 2-3 days without any notice. I was the default parent when they were young. It’s hard being on call for everything. It does get less tiring.

I think him taking DC solely for 6 hours every week is pretty good. Only my parents have done that for me/ us and not every week. I agree with outsourcing what you can.

If you feel resentful I think that’s a hard emotion to get over.

Why do you think the response would be different? Because people think surgeons are arrogant and power
mad? ( I don’t; DSiL is one and he is lovely).
Genuine question!

To do his specialty you do. Doesn’t make sense, but that’s how it is. People do not have a clue what the speciality surgeons have to go through.

Was it is easy for me, or him, no. But, as a results of my support, the NHS has a highly trained surgeon who gets much better results than his peers (proven by data) and saves lives.

They definitely don’t. We should be worried about the quality of the future surgeons…

I think maybe she is being viewed as privileged and ungrateful because DH has such an important respected job and brings in decent money. Hence less sympathy and more people saying she is being unreasonable. Also have read many similar posts where commenters have been strong in their views that DH should be doing his 50:50 share, was surprised that view was different here and wondered if it was a status thing.

No issues with surgeons, have worked with many who are fabulous.

Interesting that you wanted the opinion of a a woman MARRIED to a surgeon. I am a woman who IS a surgeon, married to a computer guy.
Yes the job is high stress, focused and unpredictable, with overnight calls that leave you drained. You're always juggling. You also interact with people all day, and need down time to recharge. Looking after a child the second you get home is not going to do it.

.With two working parents, why don't you have a nanny? You can't do two jobs wellfull time child care and work from homeso hire someone to come in daily to do chores, assignments, child care: take the child places, do art projects...whatever. Once your kid starts school the juggling only gets worse, so start now. And you are fortunate to have two incomes to do it.

Finally, there is sexism at play, but it will be directed against your husband. No one said anything when I scaled back my practice so I could take the kids to school because I was their mother. So I started 90 min later in the OR in the morning. But more than one man told me he wished he could do what I was doing but he wouldn't be allowed to. They were probably right. So I suspect your husband has to deal with that too.

Just look at your day and, guilt free, carve out the time you need child care so you can not only work but get some time for yourself as well. Maybe week days and one evening a week. Or Saturday afternoon. Everyone will be happier.

@KM123456 OP didn’t ask for a woman married to a surgeon-just is anyone married to a surgeon so maybe get your OH to reply 😆 But everything you say is right. The place to start is to have a good conversation about what things will look like-a bit after the horse has bolted here, but we had the conversation before we had DC 1; then had ongoing conversations before numbers 2&3. But being open and honest is a good start.
i don’t think OP is happy fullstop. As you say-pay for some help. It sounds like he does pull his weight with the DC on the weekend-6 hours child free every week is quite a block of time to yourself and OP doesn’t say if her DP has that luxury.

What comes over is that you're struggling as a mum. There's nothing in your posts- few as they are- about enjoying being with your daughter. It comes over as if she's an inconvenience who disturbs your working day.

Maybe the reality of being a mum is not what you expected?

You can't have it all ways. You're working full time, your DD is at nursery full time, so you aren't doing much childcare anyway.

You want your H to provide support by being around more.

He can't be. That's the simple fact. Unless he changes his job.

Clearly at the end of a long day he's shattered when he comes home and his mind might still be on work. Although he ought to ask how your day's been - are you asking him about his?

If you are struggling with your DD (who you say us difficult at the moment) can you find support with other mums locally through hobbies?

Can you and your H have a proper conversation about this? Maybe you need to work part time? You've made choices along the way but maybe those choices need reassessing?

This is really insightful, thanks.

Do you feel there is a difference of attitude between your male colleagues and female colleagues?

I used to work in this area, the ones I knew were part time for the NHS BUT then did private work in their non NHS hours, so effectively still full time.

@Worklifewhat I think most people appreciate that last minute cancellations can happen. The issue is that when one is notified the admin staff rarely apologise and usually don't give a reason. It's even worse when one arrives at the clinic at 11am and there's a notice up because nobody bothered to call at 8.30/9am.

It seems in those circumstances that whilst the public is expected to arrive, on time, there is no reciprocity when the issue lies with the other side. Patient's time is valuable too but there is rarely any respect for it.

Thank God we have dedicated surgeons in the UK that want to out so much in to their jobs. Imagine if they all had to leave for the school run or do the weekly shop at a specific time. I'm not sure the person on the operating table would be in such agreement. Surely you knew his work load wouldn't change just because a child has entered the house, can you not give up work to look after the child then go back when they are at school?

I'm always a little bit taken aback that people have children and want to work full time thinking there will be no impact on their lives. I don't know any household where one person doesn't do more than the other, and this is predominantly the bulk of the work landing on the woman. I just think we are able to multi-task easier than, men, can tune in to listening to the children, whilst doing other things, where as men pretty much have tunnel vision and can only focus on one thing at a time.
Women are wired differently, the book women are from Venus and men are from Mars is a great read. I just can't get worked up about these things, but maybe that's because I like the house to be kept the way I like it, and that comes from being a single parent years ago.

I work with a really good group of colleagues and all my male colleagues who have children seem to be pretty hands on with their children. However I’ve worked with male surgeons in the past who are known to stay at work until they know bath & bedtime are done which I haven’t seen amongst female surgeons myself, although someone has further up the thread. I don’t know if it’s specific to surgeons though, we just have a more robust excuse to fall back on!

I think this applies to a lot of professionals.
Although I earn low six-figures, fifty years ago, the income from doing my job would have paid for a large house, public school for two or three children and help around the house.
While I don't want/need those extras, incomes were proportionately 3 or 4 times what they are now.
Growing up, the few surgeons I knew of drove newish Rolls-Royces.

I too am always taken aback that here in 2025 there are people, including surgeons, who think having children shouldn’t affect their lives. They’ve often made actual vows to their wives, to be there for them through thick and thin, though illness and health, which were just lies, it turns out when they said we should start a family to their wives they meant you should provide me with a family and a home life. Sure you can have a job, but single mums manage both so can you.

I'd assume any doctor working in an NHS hospital would be working long hours. That he is spending a full day with his child to give you a good chunk of child free time is good for everyone.

At this time, I would be considering buying in help as the most economical and feasible option. Could your child attend nursery or playgroup? Could you get a child minder for a few hours so you can get on with work? Could you get a cleaner? I apologise if I'm making assumptions that you can afford that with 2 decent incomes.

Your lifestyle is unreasonable. You cannot really be married to someone with a highly focused job, have a kid, run a home, be his life PA and also work full-time!

He does acknowledge you need time to yourself at the weekends. I would suspect he would rather you gave up your job and focused on more on being Nanny/Cook/Housekeeper/PA during the day. At least whilst your kid is so small.

Some medical specialties you do have to do phds. Many surgical fields and cardiology you pretty much have to if you want a consultant

Exactly - if you want a consultancy. That's what I said.

This is really interesting, thank you for posting and explaining a bit more about anaesthetics because my son has a classmate whose Dad is an anaesthetist (not sure if he’s a Consultant yet) and I see him around at school all the time and he’s very active on the class WhatsApp. I always wondered how he managed to do so many school runs and be so involved in his children’s lives (I am a lawyer and his wife is in finance, I sometimes feel like he’s more involved than she and I are!)

We also had in an old class a Mum who was genuinely a brain surgeon. She had a nanny and wasn’t around much, though always lovely when I did speak to her.

I understand anaesthetics is one of the most over-subscribed specialties within the NHS.

Good hours may be one of the reasons?! I used to know one a few years ago, a Mum but she moved away and she always seemed to have reasonable hours.

But then I have heard also that some say it is not as exciting as surgery. I know which I'd choose, I'd rather have a normal life, thank you very much!

My DD had ambitions to be an anaesthetist, advice from a senior doctor was that he wouldn't recommend it for a woman looking to have children.
He did suggest Dermatology for work-life balance due to the unlikeliness of a 3am emergency.

Indeed. Dermatologists were considered a bit of a joke back in the day when my DF was a doctor. He was a general surgeon so lots of alpha aura and saving the day. Not to make light of it, he saved a lot of lives and did thousands of operations, on call in the night often, but he wasn't around much when I was growing up. I'd have preferred him to be a dermatologist in all honesty. It sounds like a good option. I will be advising my DD to go for this possibly, should she become one herself.

Also, once you reach consultant as an anaesthetist it seems like you get more clear-cut hours? My friend was doing very reasonable hours from what I could tell once she became a consultant. But maybe things have changed. This was some years ago now.

@TrainGame

They aren't that cushy I'm currently rostered a 69h week and I'm working 6 out of 7 days!

Our job is "exciting" in different ways, IMHO doing the same surgery day in day out is boring.

It's def not the most oversubscribed, we are in a workforce crisis and expected to have 11k deficit in consultants by 2040, its just we are the biggest of all hospital specialities