If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

Being a surgeon is very hard work. Sonja being a parent. You might need to source outside help such as a nanny to help out. And get a good cleaner

I’m married to a surgeon but I’m also a gastroenterologist. We have a one year old. I work 60% and DP works 60% as a surgeon and the rest of the days of work are from home mostly at an academic post (but one that requires frequent travel). Our days of work are opposite so we have set days for who’s ‘on’ for all things nursery. It works well. We also have a tight support network who we’ve worked hard to solidify around us locally.

In some elements your husband is taking the piss. I’ve seen this before, I have a colleague (who’s wife is also a medical doctor!) stay at work late deliberately every day (doing f all) and timing it so he gets home just as bedtime is done or in time to do a quick story - all to avoid the hard work. Your husband should have a a sense of urgency on this. He should also be checking in frequently. It’s not about being needy, it’s about being seen and having a supportive partner. Sometimes you just want to vent to someone who knows you adore your child but who also knows that they can be bloody hard work! The frequency of this will depend on what type or surgeon your husband is as the length of surgeries he’s doing will vary. If he’s doing cataract surgeries then 15 mins top, he’ll be scrubbing out regularly and able to text between patients. However if he’s spending hours elbows deep in abdomen then he can’t. But he should still check in when he can.

In terms of his work coming first, it’s tricky. It’s not fair no, but sometimes it is reality. Again it depends on what your work is, but generally if there’s someone open on the table and you know there’s no one to cover (there rarely is) then it’s extremely hard to leave. Sadly misogyny is still rampant in surgery and there is an expectation that everyone has a wife at home to mop up these moments and he would be given flack for leaving to do a sick child nursery pick up. It’s not right but it’s reality. Similarly I think a less than full time role really opens up the opportunities for more equality, but realistically it will make him less appealing as a new consultant.

I would think about what you want to get out of your frustrations. Are you just done with the marriage? If you’re not then what do you want? Do you want to feel less alone in parenting? Do you want your own career to be prioritised for once (a fair request)? Do you want more of the family budget allocated to time saving measures like a cleaner/laundry service/cook meals etc to free you up? It doesn’t sound all bad if he’s willing to do a good stint at the weekend, I think maybe reflect on your unmet needs and talk about what you need to change.

I think doctor is generally can be difficult to be married to as their job in full on. My friend mum was a surgeon and her anesthesiologist. She shared that as a small child - she shared that her dad would take her to hospital to see her mum because was so busy.

Pretty much everyone I know is a hospital-based doctor. Can’t think of many who get six hours downtime a week. So you’re doing better than most of us. Is he actually getting the same?

However I’m fascinated by those who think if you’re married to a doctor you’ll be a ‘solo parent’ bc of course they mean a male doctor…..this is not how it goes in female doctor’s homes.

It also interests me how many women tell me they want to marry a doctor (far more than tell me they want to BE one…..). The salary (and that depends on your speciality and your level) and status come at a high price.

OP only wanted to hear from people married to a surgeon sorry.

Didn't consider the possibility that female surgeons might want to comment?

I do think it's a specific personality type. The kind who feels entitled to play god, to literally hold the power of life and death every day.

We need these people in this job, but yeah... not easy partners.

How come you haven't said the same thing to the ones who have nothing to do with surgeons at all? At least she's a surgeon and that's related so can give her side of it.

A bit off-topic, but some of the occupations where psychopaths are overrepresented includes orthopaedic and neurosurgeons. I suspect orthopaedic because what they do is so physical and brutal perhaps, but I'm not sure why it's neurosurgeons as well. Maybe the idea of playing God with someone's mind?

That’s a shame, my experience of many many surgeons has been there’s a range as they are of course……people.

I find the sweeping statements tend to come most commonly from people who don’t think of surgeons or doctors as people just like them. These people usually have a bit of a chip on their shoulder TBH. Most people comfortable with their lives and careers don’t seen themselves as fundamentally different from any particular profession, they see themselves as someone who chose to do something different.

I don’t think solo parenting necessarily comes with being married to just ANY doctor, although at certain career stages there might be a fair bit of it.

But surgeons in particular are in a very high-pressure, high-demand and often inflexible role. And they are mostly men.

I wouldn’t personally want a man with a “big job” like surgeon because the trade-offs wouldn’t be worth it for me.

I’m assuming this isn’t serious.

Nothing could be more valuable than hearing from a female surgeon who does most of the child admin. Shows that DP’s attitude is a man thing not a surgeon thing.

Not again!!!!!! You've posted this about 5 times over the last couple of years.

To add to my previous post, my DP is extremely proactive with our child and the house. Doesn’t need to be told, if a job needs doing then it’ll be seen and done. If I’ve had a rough night with the baby and DP is off to work early has been known to get up at 4am to tackle say the kitchen before work if we’ve both been worn down and knackered and things have gotten out of hand. Similarly our child is their pride and joy and they consider it a delight to do anything with them/for them (we did conceive after a lot of fertility treatment though, so maybe influences our take on parenting).

I am not married to a surgeon, but a lawyer. When our DC were small, I literally never saw him, we might eat one meal together once a week, I couldn't plan anything with him. It was super stressful but now I can see when he came home he was too exhausted to help me, I was frazzled, had little adult company. In the end we sent our DC to a childminder two hours a week and I had a break. It really helped.

I'm just saying what OP wanted, and also hinting at the implication that OP thought ladies on mumsnet couldn't be surgeons themselves.

Personally i think you sound spoiled and entitled.

You get 10-4 off once a week?!! Sounds like heaven ! I honestly haven’t had a day off in years !

They are very definitely people just like everyone else.

The trouble was, no-one seemed to have sent the memo to this particular lot.

I've seen less egos and arrogance at the Oscars.

pp is pointing out that it didn't seem to occur to OP that women can be surgeons too.

I really think this is about being valued not about just time
If you got no time "off" but felt appreciated it makes the world of difference

I don't think this is uncommon in a lot of jobs? I'm married to a teacher and he will never be able to do any school drop offs because he has to leave too early. He also has almost zero flexibility to do things like leave early if a child needs to be picked up. He can maybe get time off for an occasional appointment if he can arrange it and set cover well in advance, but basically that's all down to me too as I work from home amd have more flexibility. If you need him to do more family admin when he's at home it sounds fair enough to ask him to do that, but the amount of time off he gives you at the weekend is pretty generous.

My husband isn’t a surgeon but also has a very all-consuming job.

On the one hand, I get frustrated that my career/hobbies/social life all have to work around looking after the kids, because I can never rely on him being available at any given time to look after the kids.

To cope with this side of things I work part time because a full time job + 99% of running a house and two kids is too much - would that be an option for you? Or if you prefer working full time, you can hopefully afford to ‘throw money at’ certain problems (cleaner, meal box subscription, babysitter) to make your life easier. I would also advocate trying to cultivate some mum friends - it is quite lonely when your partner is absent a lot of the time - but they are not the only source of solidarity and support out there.

On the other hand, his job is not just a job, it’s is a vocation and achieves something worthwhile - I knew, and respected, that when we met. I knew it would be inconvenient, but I don’t think you can demand to change things that are so integral to a person. I also remind myself that the kids and I benefit from the salary and security that his job brings.

Who is ever happy to hand over 50% of income in a divorce?