If you’re married to a surgeon please tell me if you think I’m being unfair?

[Likao]

I am 40 and we have 1 dc age 2. I do everything for dd in terms of nursery runs, packing bags, ensuring dd has new shoes that fit, taking her to appointments etc. Any admin you can think of, I do.

i also work full time from home, so I have flexibility which is why I do nursery etc. At weekends DP will take dd out from 10ish to 4pm ish on a Saturday or Sunday so I can have a break. I don’t think this is ok or enough and I’m starting to get really pissed off that everything is left to me.

if I ask DP to do a specific task like put a wash on or pick up some food then he will. But what infuriates me is there is NEVER a sense of urgency from him to be home at a reasonable time and he would absolutely never ensure he was there to collect dd from nursery for example. I have to cut my data short often to collect her if unwell but he literally does not think he can do this because he can’t just leave patients (in his words). Obviously I know that there is a difference with his job but I am absolutely at the end of my tether tonight and very upset he’s been at work since 6am and not even asked how I’ve got on with dd and her bedtime (she’s very difficult at the moment). It’s making me very unhappy and feel very alone. It’s caused loads of arguments the last few weeks as I feel totally put upon. I don’t feel I have an equal relationship and the only answer I get back is that his job means he can’t do more. I’m sick of it all, should I expect more, is it fair?

not married to a surgeon by my OH works offshore so that means I do have to be responsible for all the admin type things/mental load and that half the time he is away and I have to do everything by myself - including all the night wakes and the sick days and the picking up early from nursery days. It’s quite shit for me but my OH works away for basically half the year - that is just the nature of his job and I knew this before we had children so we just have to make it work.

The way I do this is that I dropped down to 4 days at work but keep my DD in nursery so I have a day completely to myself. And we got a cleaner.

I'm a consultant surgeon in a very demanding field. I am mum to 3 children.
I work long and often antisocial/unpredictable hours doing emergencies. I operate 2 days per week (early starts), and do very antisocial activity 1:5 weeks and i do not know any surgeon that does a more intense rota (my average wiring week is 75 hours). I also do a large amount of private practice. I am still there for breakfast and dinner with kids 3 days a week, homework is supervised by me, and I do all home admin/present buying/bins/washing/bills etc. Once the kids are in bed I will do quite a few hours of clinical admin though.
I had a nanny when kids were a bit younger, and a cleaner. I have no family help.
My husband is in the military and is away a lot but does help when at home but also works long hours. We have now opted for independent school as kids can do long days.

Your husband is simply avoiding his commitment.

Sorry OP. I read your first paparagraph then left the thread with the thoughts if I married a surgeon I would literally be bowing at the door when he walked out. Having said this I owe my mothers life to surgeons & nothing can compare to the years we had left.

My brother is a surgeon. Same dedicated insanely overwhelming work life. But the most hands on incredible dad (and husband) I have ever seen.

The job is exceptionally challenging, but no excuse. He can do it. Cooks, cleans, looks after the little ones every second he can. Skips sleeping after nights on call just so he can be with ‘his girls’.

and yes. I’m a proud sister. Amazing human.

I'm a lone parent and i work full time, so I'm not going to lie the idea of having a full day to myself every week is like wow. I wouldn't even have had that when I was with my ex and he was involved with ds which he now isn't.

So in a respect I think it's your family dynamic and I see it all as shared labour to prosper your family. His job contributes to your financial stability and lifestyle, you also contribute to this in different ways.

My guess is the issue here isn't necessarily the work load you have (because if it was that then a cleaner/nanny would resolve it) but a perceived lack of appreciation for your time and the labour you're putting into this partnership. But then when he is out for the day with your child - is this not a recognition that you've covered a lot in the week and deserve a break?

Do you get time together as a couple as well as a family? Does he ever say thank you for x y z? I think his job is extremely intensive and I do think what you're describing is part of living with someone in that role. The question is how you manage it.

It’s a tough one. Either buy in more help or you both drop your days to 4 days. You both need more time freed up.

Im a career widow you might say. I do everything for the kids and have done for years, not married to a surgeon but a high flier. I gave up work in the end. Life is much easier now. Of course not for everyone but that’s the way I went. Life was too stressful the other way.

To add- I am the only woman in a department of 12. The rest of my colleagues arrive only having needed to worry about themselves (no packed lunches, kids up etc) and I leave them chatting to each other when I rush out the door.....
Just saying.
I feel like I haven't full time jobs and they only have one

Except you wouldn't be 'literally bowing at the door' to the man you married, would you?

Perhaps in your mind you might but this is the OP's actual life.

And I should add my parents are divorced. My dad was a general surgeon…

Huge massive pressure on him. Unrelenting really. Can’t imagine it. My parents both advised me not to do medicine.

Let's face it if you believe 'surgeons' are little more than people who use knives to save lives then I for one think they deserve the highest of pedestals with a hot meal every time they walk through the door.

The upside here, is that in the case of a divorce from a Medical consultant, the recovery is swift, since you are already so accustomed to doing everything yourself on the home front.

I would if he was a surgeon. Sadly people nowadays often take those who save the lives of our loved ones for granted,despite the fact they literally give their own lives to their profession.

It’s a lot more than most full time working parents get!

I work full time and do a lot of the house admin. My husband is great at doing household chores but he WFH full time so you’d expect that. I take the odd day to myself but nothing like every week! At the weekends we share the load, which with 3 kids, means we rarely get time to ourselves.

I don’t think you’re getting a rough deal at all to be honest.

Crazy post.

Even crazier post

I imagine your feeling the stress of the job your DH does as do I (not the same profession) Whether you like it or not this is what you signed up for. Your DH has the lives of families in his hands. The very least you can do is support him. If you find it too much to cope with then with the best will in the world you shouldn't have become involved with a man in this profession

Do you? Not the man who had a child he didn't intend to parent and a house he never intended to clean, just OP is spoilt because despite doing all the house work, childcare and holding down a full time job all week, she's having a moan? I wonder if you'd describe a man in OPs position as spoilt.

No you wouldn't be bowing at the door.

Have a word with yourself 🙄

If the tables were turned and your husband bowed to you every day when you entered the house, I'm sure you'd wonder WTF you've married?

And that's after you've composed yourself after the fit of giggles or being totally mortified.

Married to an anaethetist and wouldn't recommend it to anyone. He has his postgraduate exams (final FRCA) exams coming up the end of the month. He has been revising every day he's not working for 8-10 hours a day since August. He had Xmas day and Boxing Day off revising.

This means I'm doing all the parenting for our three year old who has been in hospital twice in the last month for unexplained diarrhoea and vomiting lasting 26 days and counting (!!!!!)

And I'm 28 weeks pregnant.

I honestly have come to hate him. I was a doctor myself and I couldn't hack the UK system and it seems I can't hack being married to one either

I have a close relative who is a Doctor. Thankfully his wife is in a similar profession. They have family support & safe to say without that I agree it's more difficult.

There's other jobs where the hours are just as long and nearly as inflexible. But often maybe not so well paid.
So surely you can use some of his wages to get a cleaner or nanny to ease the burden on you?
I think the fact you WFH, have enough money, and you get several hours on a weekend to yourself minus the kids is more than most people could hope for.

Find out his exact timetable. There will be operating days and on call shifts. You need to take him out of those days. Other days there will be teaching/ admin,outpatient clinics
which more predictable start/ finish times he could work around
would a 4 day week work for you or more household help ?

You’re insane, when I was a stay at home mum with no job I never got 6 hours, that is a huge amount you should be super grateful. Also one of the sacrifices you make for marrying someone with such a job is understanding that they won’t be as present however you receive the full financial benefit of his job. Imagine how intense it is and how focused he has to be and on top of that level of pressure (literally lives in his hands) you are nagging him even though he does the tasks you say and gives you 6 hours free every weekend. You are completely selfish and unreasonable. you also only have one child, this is not as difficult as you are making out.

He also signed up to parenting and needs to do it when he's at home. He also signed up to being married and needs to do some stuff in the home when he isn't working.

Or he should've stayed single and not had a child.

I have no hesitation in saying I find surgeons amongst the top group of humans most worthy of respect in the world. If you are fortunate to marry a surgeon you should be willing & humble enough to support them & their work saving lives