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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think my mum over reacted. Photo attached

294 replies

Lou989 · 07/02/2025 17:30

I was washing my hands at my mums, a bit of water went on the stainless steel bit where the pots dry. She got annoyed saying she’d spent time doing it today. It was only a bit of water. So threw. A piece of cutlery at my hands whilst they were still under the tap and said I was selfish. Haven’t done anything wrong I don’t feel

Sensitive content
To think my mum over reacted. Photo attached
OP posts:
Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:38

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:31

That you deserved one another. Two wrongs never make a right.

Both violence and provocation are wrong. It causes misery and resentment.

You actually think getting a sink wet is provocation? It’s not like she threw paint up the wall.

You need to have a serious word with yourself, because if you think those two things are equal!

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:38

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:28

Think about it. Are they not both as bad as one another?

Provoking someone to take action by physical assault is goading. It might perhaps be the lesser of the two evils, but why make it happen in the first place?

They deserve each other.

You're speaking the language of a domestic abuser. You're justifying the use of violence by claiming ordinary acts of living are provocations. You're saying that people need to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering violent people.

People like you are part of the problem.

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:44

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:05

Sorry posted too soon!

Would you be saying to a husband in this scenario, it’s her own fault, you’d cleaned the sink?

My “cleaning” gets ruined constantly, crumbs, grease marks, spills etc. It’s part of running a home 🤷‍♀️.

You are so victim blaming here, it is untrue!

@llizzie

No. In the case of this OP I would not make a judgement. If you goad someone into striking you and they do, there is wrong on both sides.

Some sinks are easier to clean than others. If it were a white/grey sink with speckles it would not show water marks. What would be the fun in mucking up a sink like that? Much more fun to splash a shiny stainless steel one when someone had just cleaned it, especially if the sink's owner had upset them.

Two things stand out in the OP's post: that the sink is a stainless steel one, and that her DM had just cleaned it.

They are not strangers who have just met. They have known each other for 32 years. How long has that sink been there?

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:45

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:38

You're speaking the language of a domestic abuser. You're justifying the use of violence by claiming ordinary acts of living are provocations. You're saying that people need to walk on eggshells to avoid triggering violent people.

People like you are part of the problem.

This is 100% right!! It does smack of I’m an abuser and have unrealistic expectations and minor things like a wet sink is a reason to lash out violently! And I’ll justify it by saying I was “provoked”.

Said by many abusers I’m sure.

Dotto · 10/02/2025 17:46

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:32

What's with the nonsense about the intense effort needed to clean a stainless steel sink? Quick wipe with a cloth and the job's done. The clue is in the name.

Perhaps an extremely hard water area where they can't afford a pre-sink filter.

My mother's sink is often covered in limescale marks. I don't get attacked when I get it wet doing the washing-up though, I get thanked, because my mother is not abusive.

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:47

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:44

No. In the case of this OP I would not make a judgement. If you goad someone into striking you and they do, there is wrong on both sides.

Some sinks are easier to clean than others. If it were a white/grey sink with speckles it would not show water marks. What would be the fun in mucking up a sink like that? Much more fun to splash a shiny stainless steel one when someone had just cleaned it, especially if the sink's owner had upset them.

Two things stand out in the OP's post: that the sink is a stainless steel one, and that her DM had just cleaned it.

They are not strangers who have just met. They have known each other for 32 years. How long has that sink been there?

Let me explain

THERE IS NO REASON TO STRIKE ANYONE! EVEN IF OP SHIT ON THE SINK.

You're either the mother, an abuser or on a wind up!

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:48

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:44

No. In the case of this OP I would not make a judgement. If you goad someone into striking you and they do, there is wrong on both sides.

Some sinks are easier to clean than others. If it were a white/grey sink with speckles it would not show water marks. What would be the fun in mucking up a sink like that? Much more fun to splash a shiny stainless steel one when someone had just cleaned it, especially if the sink's owner had upset them.

Two things stand out in the OP's post: that the sink is a stainless steel one, and that her DM had just cleaned it.

They are not strangers who have just met. They have known each other for 32 years. How long has that sink been there?

How long has the mother been abusive, you think the sink caused that?

Maybe the mother needs to get a speckled one, not a shiny shiny shiny stainless steel one!

PearlClutzsche · 10/02/2025 17:59

Well I hope you got a good laugh at this, OP: washing your hands - in a sink, mind - is an act of mental violence and provocation!
Or at least have been somewhat comforted by the fact that there are other people out there even more bonkers and unreasonable than your mother.

@llizzie please reread all of OPs posts. There is not a single suggestion or implication that she deliberately annoyed her mother; that's just something you thunk up.

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:59

PearlClutzsche · 10/02/2025 17:16

I think you're on a wind up too. No one is this dense.

In case you're not, it's as simple as this: someone who assaults another person simply for washing their hands is ALWAYS in the wrong.

Oh, and OP never said she knew her mother had cleaned the sink; her mother shouted it at her afterwards.

Are you serious? Have you really considered what happened before you attack me?

My first response was to advise the OP to replace the stainless steel sink with one which doesn't have to be cleaned and polished so often. I did. I bought a house with a stainless steel sink and really liked it, until I saw how much cleaning and polishing was involved. I exchanged it for an off white sink with speckles in it that just needed cleaning with ordinary cleaner.

When you know something causes friction, is an opportunity for revenge, or to hurt, or provoke it is either replaced or you stop using it as a means of provoking someone.

The DM was wrong to lash out. She should have allowed her DD to do her worst, turned the other cheek and cleaned it again when the DD left. I wouldn't have cleaned it in the first place if DD was coming. I would rather hear the remarks about having a dirty sink that clean it and lose control, but that is me, and obviously I am alone in wanting to remove anything contentious.

They are as bad as each other.

Dotto · 10/02/2025 18:05

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:59

Are you serious? Have you really considered what happened before you attack me?

My first response was to advise the OP to replace the stainless steel sink with one which doesn't have to be cleaned and polished so often. I did. I bought a house with a stainless steel sink and really liked it, until I saw how much cleaning and polishing was involved. I exchanged it for an off white sink with speckles in it that just needed cleaning with ordinary cleaner.

When you know something causes friction, is an opportunity for revenge, or to hurt, or provoke it is either replaced or you stop using it as a means of provoking someone.

The DM was wrong to lash out. She should have allowed her DD to do her worst, turned the other cheek and cleaned it again when the DD left. I wouldn't have cleaned it in the first place if DD was coming. I would rather hear the remarks about having a dirty sink that clean it and lose control, but that is me, and obviously I am alone in wanting to remove anything contentious.

They are as bad as each other.

Yes we've all read what you have written, dear. Not a single person agrees with you, so I'm not sure why you're continuing to post the same misinformed nonsense over and over.

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:09

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:47

Let me explain

THERE IS NO REASON TO STRIKE ANYONE! EVEN IF OP SHIT ON THE SINK.

You're either the mother, an abuser or on a wind up!

Look at all my posts. Not one of them condones violence, and I think you know that.

What have I said in any post that condones violence? She was wrong. Perhaps it was the last straw for her?

I just cannot see why the DM would have gone so far had it just been for washing hands under the tap, that there was something else we are not told about.

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:10

llizzie · 10/02/2025 17:59

Are you serious? Have you really considered what happened before you attack me?

My first response was to advise the OP to replace the stainless steel sink with one which doesn't have to be cleaned and polished so often. I did. I bought a house with a stainless steel sink and really liked it, until I saw how much cleaning and polishing was involved. I exchanged it for an off white sink with speckles in it that just needed cleaning with ordinary cleaner.

When you know something causes friction, is an opportunity for revenge, or to hurt, or provoke it is either replaced or you stop using it as a means of provoking someone.

The DM was wrong to lash out. She should have allowed her DD to do her worst, turned the other cheek and cleaned it again when the DD left. I wouldn't have cleaned it in the first place if DD was coming. I would rather hear the remarks about having a dirty sink that clean it and lose control, but that is me, and obviously I am alone in wanting to remove anything contentious.

They are as bad as each other.

I’ve attacked you now?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:12

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:09

Look at all my posts. Not one of them condones violence, and I think you know that.

What have I said in any post that condones violence? She was wrong. Perhaps it was the last straw for her?

I just cannot see why the DM would have gone so far had it just been for washing hands under the tap, that there was something else we are not told about.

Perhaps it wasn’t the last straw and she’s nasty and physically abusive.

you have condoned violence by saying it was justified, because the shiny sink got wet.

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:12

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:15

Your posts have excused violence, you’ve reasoned that getting water on a bloody kitchen sink, an item used for water, was as bad as throwing an item and hurting someone.

You’re reasoning that that act was mental abuse is so wrong it’s untrue,

Do you need some ideas on what real mental abuse is? So you can make a comparison?

JFC!

Nowhere have I ever condoned violence. I have said both are wrong, both deserve one another.

If you know what upsets another person and you do it anyway, is that justified?

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:13

MrTiddlesTheCat · 10/02/2025 17:32

What's with the nonsense about the intense effort needed to clean a stainless steel sink? Quick wipe with a cloth and the job's done. The clue is in the name.

Well perhaps they have improved now.

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:14

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:12

Nowhere have I ever condoned violence. I have said both are wrong, both deserve one another.

If you know what upsets another person and you do it anyway, is that justified?

Getting a sink wet is not wrong, it’s kinda like what it’s made for. That’s the reason it has taps.

If she’d wash her hands in the soup tureen you may have a slight point, but still no reason for physical violence.

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:15

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:13

Well perhaps they have improved now.

What cloths, sinks or daughters?

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/02/2025 18:16

llizzie · 10/02/2025 16:36

It isn't just a sink though, is it? It is something that stands out like a sore thumb if it is never cleaned, and makes the whole kitchen look better if it is. Perhaps you are the sort of person who treads mucky boots over a floor someone has just cleaned? It is, after all, ''only a floor, designed to be walked on''.

I find it hard to understand your attitude. Either you do not know stainless steel sinks, or you do and never bother to clean it until it becomes an eyesore. There is nothing compulsive about keeping an hygienic kitchen.

Weigh up the argument from both sides. I have completely lost sympathy for the OP since she posted.

There is no doubt that the OP knew her DM had cleaned the kitchen and the sink because she makes a point of telling us.

She knew also that just running the tap would undo all the work her mother had done. OP admits to doing that, so it was a deliberate act of provocation.

Why would she do that, knowing her DM would be upset - angry. How far did she push her DM before she lost her cool? Why would she want to make her mother angry?

It is like a toddler banging on a saucepan with a spoon to see how long it takes to make SM cross and take the spoon away, or emptying the bin over the clean floor.

If you know what upsets someone, why do it?

Many responses on this thread criticise the mother. It is a pity she retaliated in the end. I would have walked out and said nothing and cleaned the sink when DD had left. This DM was provoked too far, and the question we should be asking is why?

We have gone through all the symptoms of menopause and mental illness and Lord knows what else the mother is guilty of, without considering who the victim is in this situation.

I cannot conceive of a situation where I would provoke anyone like this. It is nasty and vengeful. It is hateful to know what upsets a person and doing it.

Yes, a sink is a sink and is intended to be used to wash up, but in the case of this sink, a DD is using it to hurt her DM and that cannot be right.

You are ridiculous.

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:18

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:48

How long has the mother been abusive, you think the sink caused that?

Maybe the mother needs to get a speckled one, not a shiny shiny shiny stainless steel one!

Think about your comment. The mother is wrong to have done what she did. We do not know if there are any mitigating circumstances.

She should report her mother to the police. They may well prosecute her.

I think there is more to it, that's all.

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:20

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:18

Think about your comment. The mother is wrong to have done what she did. We do not know if there are any mitigating circumstances.

She should report her mother to the police. They may well prosecute her.

I think there is more to it, that's all.

i think you’re the mother, abusive or on a wind up 🤷‍♀️

Or all three!

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:21

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/02/2025 18:16

You are ridiculous.

You are correct @CaptainMyCaptain

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:21

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 17:38

You actually think getting a sink wet is provocation? It’s not like she threw paint up the wall.

You need to have a serious word with yourself, because if you think those two things are equal!

You need to read more carefully before you judge.

There isn't a lot of difference in that and walking across a clean floor in muddy wellies. After all, a floor is for walking on, isn't it?

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:22

llizzie · 10/02/2025 18:21

You need to read more carefully before you judge.

There isn't a lot of difference in that and walking across a clean floor in muddy wellies. After all, a floor is for walking on, isn't it?

Yep and I’ve never thrown objects at my children for walking across them in muddy boots……

You clearly would lose your shit at that, like it can’t be rectified.

You’re someone who excuses physical violence, because of droplets of water or a bit of mud.

PearlClutzsche · 10/02/2025 18:24

@llizzie your repeated assertions that OP deliberately tried to annoy or provoke her mother by washing her hands are getting ridiculous. Where are you getting this from?
OP clearly states that it was only after she'd washed her hands that her mother screamed about washing the sink.

Justalittlehandhold · 10/02/2025 18:27

PearlClutzsche · 10/02/2025 18:24

@llizzie your repeated assertions that OP deliberately tried to annoy or provoke her mother by washing her hands are getting ridiculous. Where are you getting this from?
OP clearly states that it was only after she'd washed her hands that her mother screamed about washing the sink.

She strikes me as someone who is never wrong…… even when everyone says she is!