DH sharing dessert with female colleague

[CMaxC]

My DH had a company night out last week. My brother also works at the same company and called me last night to tell me that my DH was sharing a dessert with one of his colleagues. Like they were sitting together eating this ice cream thing with two spoons like they were on a date.

Apparently, he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on.

I don’t want to think the worst of the situation but I just wanted to gather some thoughts on whether this is a normal event: I certainly wouldn’t share a dessert with a male colleague - it just feels a little bit intimate. But AIBU? Hopefully I am.

thanks for any advice!

He accepts that he behaved in a way that could potentially be misinterpreted by others and the woman in question. @Rendang

Do you know her OP ?
what’s her story , is she married ?
Do her & your husband just work in same building or work side by side?

I think you’re focussing on the wrong thing - the dessert is a symptom of the problem. The problem is your husband behaving unprofessionally and inappropriately with another woman in a work context. He’s admitted it, so what’s he going to do about it? Does he recognise this is wrong?

So your brother was correct. And your husband was minimising. He is lying.

I’m sorry OP but you said in a previous post that you know he doesn’t like this woman and now he’s admitted that things went too far?

I’m not certain I would believe him if he has primed you previously with tales of a woman he doesn’t like; I would be wondering if that was a smokescreen.

I almost posted previously to say look at his phone, but I didn’t because it’s a breach of trust. Now, I think I would. You may find nothing; if there actually was anything to find, he will have deleted it.

I must have a very different outlook because the dessert thing would not remotely bother me and I find it weird that people are going on about “sharing bodily fluids”? WTF? They are just sharing a plate. When did people become so neurotic?

If they really were inseparable all night that’s a different matter and maybe problematic if your brother noticed it enough to mention but if it’s literally just because they shared a pudding then I have had dozens of affairs.

Op I totally get why you feel so hurt. I have been in a similar situation and it’s the embarrassment for me, along with people wondering if my relationship is as strong as it should be. He has acknowledged that it was inappropriate, hopefully he will keep his distance from this lady and that he hasn’t given her any ideas that he is interested in her. Well done to db for letting you know but would Dh have mentioned it if he hadn’t been there?

OP has said that it's her brother that doesn't like this woman, not her DH.

@thepariscrimefiles

Yes, I see that now. I was thinking all along it was DH. Need some new glasses.

I really see why you'd feel sad and confused @CMaxC
His behaviour is a betrayal, it's silly and it's humiliating. But, if you act on your hurt feelings it could easily be 'overreacting'. After all, it's just sharing a dessert. (Only it is a lot more beside that, as literally everyone could guess.)
Isn't it how gaslighting works? feeling confused but also not being confident about having case for concern?
Also, he's now admitted to having made a 'mistake' (and guess who would be unreasonable for holding this mistake over him?) is he fobbing you off, shortcircuiting uncomfortable conversations? Do you feel you can trust him?

Agree with pp that he's minimising because he got caught. He's saying he can understand how it would be interpreted, as in, it's other people's fault for seeing something that wasn't there, when in actual fact he should be apologising/not behaved that way. He's deflecting

Has he been specific about what his actions were or has he just used the generic term ‘behaviour’?

Basically, she suggested that he ought to come and sit with her to share the dessert. When I asked why she couldn’t have just passed him her leftovers, he had no satisfactory answer. I wouldn’t have been particularly bothered if she’d just passed her plate over.

I have had suspicions that this woman likes him for a while from what he’s said to me and he acknowledges that he has behaved in a way that potentially leads her to think he is interested (at the very least).

I hate to stay it OP but I don’t think people would comment on their behaviour if it was just sharing dessert. I think he’s minimising. I’m not saying he physically cheated but I think there’s more than he’s admitting to. He also names her as the instigator which is typical. I think you need to be firm with him and tell him you know there is more than what he is admitting to and you are giving him one chance to come clean. Then if he admits more I wouldn’t even trust this is everything.

he acknowledges that he has behaved in a way that potentially leads her to think he is interested (at the very least).

He's enjoying the attention, but to do it in front of your brother shows no respect for you.

Also shows he's easily led as he couldn't stand up to her and say it was inappropriate.

If he can do that in plain sight, who knows what he does when no one is looking?

The fact that 'he acknowledges that he has behaved in a way that potentially leads her to think he is interested', would REALLY worry me OP! I think I would be keeping a very close eye on him, and giving some serious thought as to what I would do if I had it confirmed that he is, or has been cheating, ie, are you in a position to walk away, cope financially, do you have kids, etc. better to be mentally prepared, even if things settle down, as if he's behaved like this once, it WILL happen again I'm afraid.

@CMaxC, he is lying and minimizing. There is way more to this than he is admitting. His claim that ‘all he was interested in was the food’ is ludicrous.

His boundary trampling went beyond sharing the dessert. They looked like they were on a date the whole night. This with the woman whose
crush-behavior he has previously mentioned! It couldn’t be more clear that the infatuation is actually mutual and he was acting on it. This was a betrayal.

Get fierce and don’t be fooled. He knew exactly what he was doing. He is a married man who made the choice to never leave the OW’s side for hours, thereby letting her know how significant she is to him. His wanted the feel-goods of being 1:1 with her at the venue, regardless of how it looked to everyone there or how that reflected on you. He must have been lapping up her attention or he would have excused himself to mingle with others.

By engaging in their cozy bubble all evening, he certainly wasn’t protecting you or his emotional fidelity, and he wasn’t concerned with retaining the respect of his colleagues. OW was his priority and there would have been a lead-up. In my view, they have already been investing in a flirtation/EA (at the least). Evidence will have been on his phone, but he has likely wiped it. I’d be checking it out for a while.

@CMaxC, don’t allow him to gloss over and downplay his faithless and inappropriate behavior. Don’t tolerate his blaming OW. Until he (1) comes clean with the whole story (2) acknowledges that he chose to pursue ego kibbles and gratification from OW and (3) commits to cutting contact with her — he will not be a safe partner and your peace of mind will be greatly damaged.

Consider setting a sharp consequence and sending him away for a while.

Sorry you are going through this OP.

So how is he going to go forward here? Is he going to stop any of this behaviour, avoid her beyond what is absolutely necessary or just admitting he has poor boundaries? Is he willing to go to councilling?

@CMaxC did the function happen when he was out of town, as in staying at an hotel, or was it in your home town where he came home after function?? was he exceptionally late arriving home??

You need to be prepared for this to be an affair and know how you want to proceed. Because his story is developing with each question you ask. He is drip feeding you what he thinks he has to, what he thinks you already know.

What’s he going to do about it now OP? He needs to tell you exactly how he’s going to change his behaviour.

Really sadly I agree with @DorothyStorm

He's minimising and drip feeding.

I think your brother suspects more and has been very sensible in passing actual what he has witnessed on to you rather than gossip and rumour. It might be worth going back to him and asking him more.

You certainly need to dig deeper.

What a horrible situation to be in. I really feel for you.

Agree with this totally.

Agree with every word of this. Thank god for your brother. He’s embarrassed you OP, I’d be so upset that all his colleagues were gossiping.

I agree he is completely minimising and telling you just enough to shut you up.
The fact that he did this in front of your brother shows utter disrespect, he was enjoying her attention so much that he gave zero fucks about your feelings.