DH sharing dessert with female colleague

[CMaxC]

My DH had a company night out last week. My brother also works at the same company and called me last night to tell me that my DH was sharing a dessert with one of his colleagues. Like they were sitting together eating this ice cream thing with two spoons like they were on a date.

Apparently, he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on.

I don’t want to think the worst of the situation but I just wanted to gather some thoughts on whether this is a normal event: I certainly wouldn’t share a dessert with a male colleague - it just feels a little bit intimate. But AIBU? Hopefully I am.

thanks for any advice!

Trust your brother.
Could you ask your brother to privately ask DH what is going on? He and the entire office witnessed your husband being too friendly with his female colleague.

Yes, trust your brother on this, he wouldn't have said anything if he didn't think it was a red flag.

Gosh no. Wait till he is back, ask him face to face and ask him to immediately hand over his phone so you can reassure yourself. If he won't,you can assume he has plenty to hide

We don't know that 'other people are commenting'. We know that someone, we assume from context DB, has told OP that other people were commenting.

MN threads tend to assign absolute verified truth where there is only hearsay.

OP herself writes 'apparently' twice, which is appropriate, unless/until more verified information is available.

Apparently, he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on.

Meantime, I'd be side-eyeing DB, as it's quite a thing to tell someone.

Yeah there is more to this.

Sharing a dessert sounds innocuous but can be very intimate. Going halves with a best friend on pudding is fine because you are going halves. But this sounds far more initmate than that, remember the meaning in the scene of Sandy and Danny sharing a milkshake in Grease? Like that.

If they arent having an affair, its on the cards and as far as their colleagues are concerned, they will assume that an affair is happening.

I agree with others suggesting that your brother is giving you enough to start digging and find out for yourself without risking your relationship with him and his standing at work (if he tells you everything, your H could make his working life difficult). I wouldnt actually say anything when he gets home. Just say you have been feeling under the weather, and then start digging. He will say that you are over reacting, it wasnt that bad, your brother is shit stirring etc. And what do you have to prove otherwise? Nothing. See if you can check messages, emails etc first. Keep a sharp eye on his behaviour, early starts, late finishes, the odd "Oh its so and so's birthday so we are having drinks after work" which didnt happen before. If there is anything happening, you will soon see it now you are on high alert.

There’s nothing to seriously suggest there is an affair going on. If DB is being completely honest about the situation then DH is definitely in the playing-with-fire zone at the very least.
Hopefully all of this can be solved with firm and agreed boundaries put in place with DH. No sharing saliva with any females that aren’t you whether that’s through the sharing of desserts or anything else for one. But also no behaviour that can ever be misconstrued or be the subject of gossip, like intimate little tête-à-têtes! It’s humiliating for you to have your husband the subject of gossip and everyone’s pity directed at you because he doesn’t respect this boundary.
Husband’s reaction will be telling. Like if there is genuine shame or remorse at having upset you, fine. Maybe this is a wake up call for him. Denial, deflection, “it’s all in your head” kind of things then he’s maybe further into the throes of an affair than you realise.

Sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it.

I obviously work in a den of heathens

It sounds intimate I wouldn't be happy with that.

I worked with a guy once and we did this sort of stuff. It fostered an intimacy that caused huge problems in both of our marriages, despite nothing physical happening we were very much in affair territory.

My brother would have my back. I’d trust him if he had a gut instinct, but only you know whether your brother has your back.

Sorry to break this to you, but from your description I don't think onlookers would think that you and your friend are having an affair. What you describe is a boring lunch between friends (I mean that in the nicest possible way). There is a difference between eating off each other's plates and "sharing" a dessert. A dessert.

Seriously, people saw something between the two that made them ask questions. For the two of them to behave the way they were in the workplace is weird and unprofessional at the very least.

Your brother is giving you a heads up for a reason, I’d listen.

I agree with pp that said it isnt the sharing the dessert alone. It is the other behaviour that went with it that raised eyebrows.

My DB doesn’t like the other woman so I also have to bear that in mind in that there are some office politics at play.
I also find this an interesting point.

You’re cherry picking. Read the whole post.

OP, I can see why your worried. It's definitely weird sharing dessert like that. I hope you get the answer you need tomorrow, but if he's suspicious that somethings up be prepared for him to gaslight you - it's not going to be an easy conversation. Play it out in your head and think how you'd respond if he starts eg outright denying it, saying your DB hates her and he's just stirring etc...

@CMaxC, I would be very grateful that your concerned brother alerted you to his and the others coworkers’ observations at the outing last week. He may also be aware of subsequent comments around the office this week, or indeed prior to the night out. DB loves you and respects your dignity and agency, hence his decision to inform you.

Your H’s coupley behavior with this Colleague didn’t come out of nowhere. Their cozy dessert sharing and magnet behavior all evening do suggest an acted on infatuation. Flattery and buzzy ego boosting will be involved. They had an agenda to have fun together and threw caution to the wind in plain sight. His humiliating you in public and making you the subject of gossip was atrocious disloyalty.

If he insists that they are ‘just friends’, have him read Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. She explains how primary relationships are damaged when one partner weakens his/her boundaries for a new person and invests an abundance of emotional energy in them, which builds intimacy.

Knowledge is power, @CMaxC, so I would investigate whatever I could both now and when he returns: phone, statements, pockets, drawers, work bag, car, etc. [If his phone contained evidence he may have already sanitized it, but maybe not.] I would then confront him about his line crossing and state your required boundaries. He needs to shut down this inappropriate connection pronto and distance himself from this woman.

Hi OP 👋..
I agree with the above , sharing an ice cream suggests a real comfortableness with one another , which would make me very uncomfortable with it ! !..
That aside though, it’s the being inseparable all night thing that would bug me a a lot ..
How is yr relationship all in all ?
I’d be sitting down with him to talk definitely..

Just because he’s with friends doesn’t mean she’s not there. haven’t you ever heard of people saying there friends knew wife is always the last to know. I feel for you because It is the intimacy of sharing the desert being sat close together might be an emotional affair for now did he tell you he shared a desert with colleague or they were inseparable? When he’s home you could try making light of it see how he reacts. Oh hi how was your trip did you share your desert with anyone then he will know you know also people can have affairs in work time so you don’t even suspect anything but don’t ignore it no matter how your brother feels about her. It’s a red flag.

Is it at all possible that your Husband has just been a little daft here and not engaging his brain as it was totally innocent to him and he just didn’t realise how this would look? He knew your Brother was there so I doubt he would have done any of this if there was really something going on between them. He may be comfortable with his Colleague and just not realised how this may have looked.

What was his reaction? Was he mortified that people were talking?

I’m so sorry but this is not good. Think you need to put your foot down on this one. Way too familiar. You might nip it in the bud so definitely point out the inappropriateness and say you will not tolerate and remain his wife.

It's weird but the fact your brother was there makes me wonder whether they would not have done this in front of him if they are having an affair.

I’ve spoken to him and he maintains that all he was interested in was the food. I’ve told him that I’m embarrassed that people were questioning his behaviour. On his own account, things went a bit too far (nothing actually happened in terms of contact) and I’m hurt.

I don’t believe that anything has happened but at the very least, he is giving mixed signals to people.

I feel a little bit sad, as I never expected that he would behave like this.

I did that when I was a child I don’t think it’s appropriate as an adult especially with the rest of the context of others noticing and commenting

What went “too far” according to him? This doesn’t sound good OP, men minimise and he wouldn’t have told you a thing unless your DB had told you. He doesn’t sound trustworthy.