DH sharing dessert with female colleague

[CMaxC]

My DH had a company night out last week. My brother also works at the same company and called me last night to tell me that my DH was sharing a dessert with one of his colleagues. Like they were sitting together eating this ice cream thing with two spoons like they were on a date.

Apparently, he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on.

I don’t want to think the worst of the situation but I just wanted to gather some thoughts on whether this is a normal event: I certainly wouldn’t share a dessert with a male colleague - it just feels a little bit intimate. But AIBU? Hopefully I am.

thanks for any advice!

I'd be less bothered about the dessert and more about the inseparable to the point of colleagues commenting. Any behaviour that raises eyebrows probably needs reining in. I assume you trust your brother and there's no history between them where he'd be exaggerating to cause problems?

Yeah it’s more nuanced than sharing a pudding. On Tuesday I shared a roll with a male colleague because we both wanted to try it but neither of us wanted a whole
one (we were sampling the new caterers offerings at work 😂). I cut it and left him half.

Sounds like more to it in your case. And your brother has warned you to take notice. Unless he’s always had an issue with your dh and wants to make things awkward for him with no reasoning. I mean, he obviously knows your brother works there, if he was conducting an affair he’d have to be mighty thick to do it in full view.

Not necessarily. My colleagues gossip just if someone has lunch with someone else.

I was once out for dinner with DH and there were two older couples at the next table. The 2 men were one one side of the table and two women sat next to each other on the opposite side.
When the waitress brought the couples two of the same sharing desserts she actually said ‘one for the men to share and one for the ladies then?’ And plonked them down that way.
OMG it was awkward! You could see the couples cringing but no one wanted to be the one to say ‘actually I’ll share with my wife/husband’. so they felt they had to share the way the waitress had served them.
🤮

The desert thing alone wouldn’t bother me, could easily be as simple as:

"Oh that looks nice"
"Grab a spoon, try some"

The fact it's part of a bigger picture of "he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on" on the other hand WOULD both me - sounds like the beginning of some serious flirting at the very least

A bite or two of a dessert is fine but it sounds like their behaviour was unacceptable if people were commenting- especially if others in the group weren’t drunk too.

Did other people tell you they were inseparable or is this all from your brother because it sounds like he is shit stirring tbh!

Depends on context entirely.

I spent many years working in a very male heavy environment and wouldn’t see the sharing of a dessert as a problem at all. I have shared food with male colleagues because we’re friends. If they had two spoons and weren’t feeding each other, I wouldn’t think that much of it.

I think people may also have said the same about me spending the whole night with one or two male colleagues. In my case it was because I trusted them entirely to behave appropriately and because I was confident that I wouldn’t have to deal with any weird behaviour from them.

Is it a male dominated workplace and would people have been drinking heavily? It may be that she felt safe with your husband and they have a comfortable but entirely platonic friendship.

It is a bit intimate

Your brother clearly feels uncomfortable. That would be enough for me to raise concerns. Feels like he is warning you and potentially has heard rumours but felt he could tell you this as this is what he's actually seen.

Sorry but this would be a red flag for me.

He’s taking the pistachio. Time for a banana split

I shared a dessert with 2 male colleagues this week … massive profiteroles. I didn’t head of for a threesome with them.
i also (on the same night out), had an hour long in-depth chat with another male colleague - not banging him either

It sounds like your brother knows your DH is up to something with this work colleague, but didn’t want to just report rumours to you. He’s come to you with something he’s personally witnessed so you have something concrete to ask your husband about.

I would share a desert with a colleague but i'd chop it in half and take half onto a different plate, I think. I don't think i'd dig into a shared plate, that feels a bit intimate.

Do you trust your brother? This is a difficult thing to broach with someone, that their husband was glued to another woman all night at the staff do and sharing dessert with her, would he do that unless he had a good reason to give you a heads up?

There do seem to be several stages missing in the thinking, I agree.

Sharing a dessert, no issue but the rest of the behaviour is and the fact that your brother feels uncomfortable is definitely cause for concern.

Did your brother say anything to him? Do they generally get on? Are there other 'red flags' before this incident?

Personally I'd be discussing this with my partner to get his side and assess the facts

Sharing a desert is pretty intimate. Colleagues remarking on their behaviour too. Your brother feeling the need to warn you.

Too much to ignore.

I'm very much not one to jump to the conclusion that anyone with a close male friend or colleague is cheating but I don't think i'd tuck into a shared bowl of ice cream with my colleague (who I am very close to and is male). Did you split the profiteroles onto separate plates? Details matter 😂

When I was 19 I worked in a huge shop and was friends with a man of about 35 on a different department. My boyfriend also worked with him. We were genuinely just friends but after I left I heard rumours people thought we were having an affair. I ignored it as those people were stupid and I doubt his wife would have given their baby my name if she thought it was true.

However the fact your brother is concerned means I'd be watching very closely. Either tell your husband what has been said - don't say by who - and if anything is going on it stops now or he gets out tonight. Be he tells you what has been going on.

That's just silly. Even if they didn't want to say anything, wtf not?, they could have swapped once the waitress had left!

I think the sharing of the dessert is very context dependant. There is a whole difference between a plate being in the middle of the table and you each just taking a spoonful whilst chatting away and 2 people sitting very close with each other and sharing it in an intimate type way. Without seeing it it is impossible to say which it was. But clearly there is there extra add on of people thinking their behaviour was a bit odd so it is definitely something you need to speak to your DH about. Potentially he’s clueless or maybe not. But I’d nip it in the bud quite frankly!

Right in front of your brother?! I’d throw him out, I am not joking. I’d pack his stuff and tell him to leave.

Has he mentioned this female colleague to you before @CMaxC?

I’m trying to think who I’d share a dessert with and be inseparable from all night… possibly my sister (although we’d definitely mingle and involve others); maybe a best friend; but not my DH!

I’m sorry but what it reminds me of is what I would have done in the past when I really fancied someone and it felt like it was on the cards… in fact it happened once at a wedding (we were both single)!

Yeah I'd best tell my husband how many "sexual liaisons" I've been planning because I've split dessert with colleagues who also happen to be friends many times. I wasn't aware it was such an egregious thing to do.