DH sharing dessert with female colleague

[CMaxC]

My DH had a company night out last week. My brother also works at the same company and called me last night to tell me that my DH was sharing a dessert with one of his colleagues. Like they were sitting together eating this ice cream thing with two spoons like they were on a date.

Apparently, he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on.

I don’t want to think the worst of the situation but I just wanted to gather some thoughts on whether this is a normal event: I certainly wouldn’t share a dessert with a male colleague - it just feels a little bit intimate. But AIBU? Hopefully I am.

thanks for any advice!

I thought same, surely husband realises brother would witness this? 🤷‍♀️

He is a vain man who revels in female attention.
He lacks boundaries and is a complete embarrassment He claims that his female colleague is the instigator of the ‘relationship’ yet he then proceeds to ask her to share a dessert. Make this make sense
I agree with others, he is a grade A gaslighter .He may not be having a physical affair , but be rest assured that this would have been on the cards had you not confronted him.
Imagine how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot and you were sharing a strawberry cheesecake with another bloke

He either doesn’t care or is not aware of how things are coming across to others .
Both these scenarios are a problem imho.

@CMaxC, how are things going now? I’ve been thinking about you.

Thank you so much @MsDogLady I’m ok thank you.

We had a really long discussion yesterday and he has agreed to make sure that this never happens again. I do think that he is guilt of acting in a naive way but it has shaken my trust in him somewhat and I don’t know what this means long term for our relationship. I feel overwhelmingly sad and a little bit beaten. I also feel that this might be an overreaction as well though!

I really don’t think this is an over reaction.
You suspect that she likes your husband.
He's acknowledged that it may have given the wrong impression!!! Mmm!
Other people noticed and commented.
I imagine it would have been quite difficult for your brother to raise this with you and he WOULD NOT have raised it if it was “nothing”
I actually don’t think men pick up and see these actions as easily as a woman would - so I’m guessing it must have been very obvious for your brother to notice.
I think you need to take this seriously.
I speak as a wife who recently found out that my husband was having an affair with a colleague for 5 years.
It seems that many people at work suspected.
I had no idea because “I trusted my husband and he was the sort to never cheat.”
After I initially found out that they were “ just very good friends with a good connection” , my husband managed to continue to convince me for 3 months that that’s all it was. I became detective. They’d been attending events and f@cking all over town for 5 years.
I wish somebody had reported back to me on these little acts of inappropriateness years ago.
I genuinely hope that sharing an ice cream in this flirty way, is all it was, I really do.
I wish you all the best.

Hey , Iwillcomeouttheotherend ..
That’s shit .. Did you separate with your husband or try to work things out ?…
OP was definitely lucky it has been brought to her attention…

The discussion I would be having is with your brother - what else has he heard and did he give you an edited version of the event?

Because I would bet my mortgage on the fact that there have been rumours for some time, like the other poster said, but without anything concrete he felt he couldn't interfere/throw a hand grenade into the family.

Whatever happened must have been egregious enough that he was worried you'd find out in another way and it would become clear he also knew but hadn't told you.

Some people are shit stirrers - yes. But I'd also venture the majority prefer to put their heads in the sand until it's unavoidable especially when they will be part of living through consequences. I think this may be OP's brother.

I'm sorry OP.

Very red flag

It does change now that you admitted thinking she was interested in your DH and he knows this as well. I would have an honest talk with your DB and ask him to tell you everything he knows even if your DB knows it will hurt you because your DH seems dishonest at best and will never tell you the truth. I would guess your brother knows more but doesn't want to say anything to be the one to blow up your marriage. Your DB told you the bare minimum so you would start digging. He probably didn't want to be the one to tell you but couldn't take you being betrayed anymore. If it was nothing your DB would have just walked over and told him to stop flirting up his colleague and be faithful to his sister. But he didn't. I know this sounds harsh, but your DH sounds like he is lying and deflecting blame and in no way would I believe him. This is not normal behavior.

Sorry if I've missed any updates. Did you approach your DH?

You can filter the OPs posts, and see them all.

Are you on the app? It has a little funnel sign (I think) press on that.

Or if not press “see all” bottom right of the first post by OP.

Hope that’s helpful 😃

We are trying to make it work.
But the reality of uncovering so much detail is killing me.
I was warned that once you “know/ see the specifics / details” of the affair, then you will never get them out of your head. And I can’t
I know for my own sanity I need to stop being the “detective” (im still continuing, its as if I need to find out every little detail, it’s taken over my life)
When I eventually found out the full extent, I called her husband and told him, (after 3 months of believing it was “only emotional affair” )
I prepared myself to deliver what I thought was going to be a massive shock to the poor husband. Turned out it wasn’t such a shock, he’d found out 3 years ago and she threatened him with legal action if he told me. He thought it all finished 3 years ago.
My husband is trying all he can. I really dont know what the future holds.
Im totally broken - 28 years together.

They are both utter scum
@Iwillcomeouttheotherend

Do not waste any more time trying to deny this.
Utter scum.

You will ruin your mental health.
He isn't worth it.
No man is.

OP 😔….
I can only imagine that it is torture…

I wasn’t married , but my partner from a long time ago , that I would have married , cheated on me with a girl he worked with , it was going on for 1.5 years with lots knowing and then he left me for her … ( we lived together) ..
I won’t lie , I was devastated..
I then went on a mission to meet someone else, which I did ..
I chose so badly & he was even a bigger dick , eventhough he did not cheat , but he was not a good man , I was just desperate to meet someone to distract me from what happened. He was who I have my lovely children with ..
I’m single 10 years now ….
I do know it’s a terrible hurt ..

I’m not going to say , leave your husband, Everyone’s circumstances are different, some people can get past with lots of time & couples therapy & some people cannot ..
I wish you well x

Thank you for updating, @CMaxC. Of course you feel sick and shaken.

Rest assured you are not overreacting. Your brother and the other coworkers were taken aback by H and OW’s ‘inseparable’ display. I’m sure that informing you was very difficult for him.

H wasn’t clueless or naive. He chose to make memories in a social setting with the woman who adores him. He couldn’t resist. She will have no doubts about his interest, as he showed her that he is willing to disrespect you to flirt and stick like glue to her. It’s highly likely that she already knew that.

I daresay that he would go nuclear if you paired off all evening with the guy you both knew was crushing on you.

I agree with other posters that you should question DB about what else he knows. This was unlikely an isolated incident. If H and OW would be so openly cozy at the gathering, chances are they’ve had a flirtation going at the office, perhaps even lunches, messaging, etc. However, even if this was their first rodeo, it was beyond wrong, as he fueled the fire. You’d be none the wiser if DB hadn’t stepped up.

@CMaxC, what is his specific plan for strengthening his boundaries and definitively distancing himself from OW at the office and on nights out? She has expectations, so what is he going to say to her when she tries to continue their intimate dynamic?

You would be wise to check his phone for some time in case they go underground. I don’t buy his hapless act and neither should you.

At the very least there is an emotional affair going on here… which is likely to lead to more.
He may not have cheated sexually with her yet, but he’s obviously got feelings for her

Was this a Christmas meal? Some sort of training with lunch included?
Ask your brother if next time he could walk directly over to them (if it happens again) insert himself between them (back to her if standing) and ask ‘hey what’s happening?!’…
then whittle on about golf/football/fishing or whatever till the woman gets the hint and pisses off!…. Or a direct ‘hey, you do realise this is my brother in law right?’ To the woman… and then ‘it’s inappropriate/unprofessional in answer to whatever excuse she uses/he uses!

So much of this depends on the nature in which the dessert was being shared.
My partner and I often share dessert (purely to keep the calories down) eating from the same plate. However if he did this with a colleague and I knew I would go full on ballistic. It is just too intimate, also my partner is a flirt so I would interpret it as being done in a flirtatious manner.
I often meet up with an ex colleague and we often share food but split it and we don't eat from the same plate.

@CMaxC, have you spoken again to your brother?

Hello @MsDogLady I haven’t: I haven’t really done anything. I’ve fallen into a bit of a slump. I have no energy for anything and just feel overwhelmed.

I had a talk with my DH and he’s now admitted that he left the dinner with her alone and walked her to the tube.

I really don’t know how to feel about everything. I’m just so tired but can’t sleep well. I am going to try and pull myself together this weekend.

@T1Dmama - it was just a works night out. I suppose it was a replacement Christmas meal - December is busy in their industry and they tend to go out in the new year when things have calmed down.

Ahh OP, my heart goes out to you.
It's not sounding good, unfortunately I think there's definitely some emotional cheating going on. Walking her to the tube suggests some intimacy.
I'm glad your brother told you, now you can hopefully get the full picture and make plans.
I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

@CMaxC I am so sorry you're going through this, this is drip feeding by your husband and it makes things so much harder. You know and he did how this would look to everyone there. He is not naive or a little boy he's a grown arse man who was a) leading this woman on or b) is involved in an affair. Neither of those paint him in a good light. And in front of your brother too... utterly arrogant and self absorbed.

You can just mull things over but you do in time need to speak to your brother. It is very likely he has suspected something or heard rumours and you need to delve deeper. I honestly think he was very wise telling you just what he saw with his own eyes. He will be concerned for you.

How has your husband been? Is he trying to repair the damage his behaviour has caused to your well being?

Have you spoken to your brother again OP?

If there has been so sexual contact between your husband and the bitchface colleague then there is a chance you can save it but I strongly suggest relationship counselling, like Relate, you need to properly get it all out. Good luck x