DH sharing dessert with female colleague

[CMaxC]

My DH had a company night out last week. My brother also works at the same company and called me last night to tell me that my DH was sharing a dessert with one of his colleagues. Like they were sitting together eating this ice cream thing with two spoons like they were on a date.

Apparently, he and this women were inseparable all night to the point that people were apparently asking what was going on.

I don’t want to think the worst of the situation but I just wanted to gather some thoughts on whether this is a normal event: I certainly wouldn’t share a dessert with a male colleague - it just feels a little bit intimate. But AIBU? Hopefully I am.

thanks for any advice!

I meant to say 'no' not so!

Next it will be

I just walked her to the tube station and she kissed me.

I didn't kiss her back

Men are twats

He is drip feeding you bits of info, Unfortunately you can assume this is the strict minimum. Men do not come clean, they tell incomplete versions & omit parts.
It is probable at the very least they were snogging at the bus stop.
Id ask him what he would do if you were slurping an admirers cheesecake, in-front of all your work colleagues, & then went & had a grope on the street.
Because you are not going any further without the clear truth, you are not doing the "pick me" dance.
Tell him you think he should leave. This will possibly kick start the truth process

I’m so sorry to hear there was something behind it. I do agree that he’s drip feeding you bits of information and that ‘She kissed me but I didn’t kiss her back’ will be the next admission he makes. I expect he’s already deleted anything on his phone; cheaters are so predictable.

How’s he being with you? Does he have any concept of how badly he has fucked up? Or is he acting like he just has to deny, deny, deny and it’ll all blow over?

There is just a little niggle at the back of my head with your brother. I think he may have heard more than he’s letting on but the dinner was possibly a step too far for him to ignore. Every workplace has gossip and if this woman is happy to make such an open show of herself at the dinner, then I don’t think it’s going to have been the first bit of gossip about them. In your shoes, I’d go back to your brother and ask him to be honest with you about what he has heard. He might want to stay out of it as far as possible because of work or your husband might already have moaned at him for telling you, but you can try.

I don’t think your husband is the decent man you thought he was.

Some men....

Sorry you're going through this OP but agree with others that he's probably not saying the whole story.

Take control of the situation as you not saying/doing anything will make him think he's gotten away with it and continue to behave inappropriately.

Just wanted to send a virtual hug xxx

I hate the drip feed, why has your DH taken until now to admit he left with her? Is there going to be another revelation? I imagine you're just waiting to hear something else unpleasant now.

Your trust in him has been shaken, not only by his actions that night, but by him holding back this information, and possibly more. You need him to be frank and fully honest. I really hope you get that xxx

This. It will be as much as he thinks he can get away with. People at work are talking about them. That tells you their behaviour is as standard that of people having an affair.

@CMaxC I am so sorry that you've had this shock and are feeling unwell with it all. Sadly, previous posters are right. Some men will drip feed and only admit what they have to. Got the T-shirt but also the divorce papers.

My advice to you is to play him at his own game. Tell him that if he tells you everything now you will work towards getting past it all and be able to move on together. If you find out more later than that will very much not be an option. Point out you know he's coal le of hiding the truth as he's only just let slip now about the seeing her to the tube alone, so naturally you're wondering what else he's keeping secret.

Get everything out of him then leave him anyway iv he's done too much for you to accept. If you leave and he complains you went back on your word, remind h8m he went back in his vows and it's crap isn't it?

Sorry op I think there is more to it have you asked to see his phone history after he admitted this. I would be asking your brother to ask around it is sounding very dodgy they must be very comfortable with each other to share a desert and he’s protective of her taking her to the tube station. Be aware something is off. If she does fancy him why encourage her if it’s not mutual.

Same. Funny, not something I've ever thought about before.

RTFT. I'm very sorry OP, this must be a horrible shock. Sending hugs

Every office has guys like this the sleeze balls.
We had more than one in our office.
Creepy as fxxk, all over the young girls like me, barely 21/22, if they got the chance.

At a big office do one particular creep avoided the women when he was with his wife.
She looked nice and he stayed by her side not saying boo to a goose all night.

Until my fairly pissed lovely co worker saw him walk by and called out "gosh Ron you are all over us in the office and now won't so much as nod in our direction with your wife and introduce us???"....she didn't say it in a nice way.

His wife turned and gave him an absolutely poisonous look and nodded at my colleague.

He had been rightly dropped in it.
He was a much quieter man going forward now he knew he was going to be called out on it.

I feel so sorry for the OP.
I would never get over the humiliation and to be honest, actually wouldn't want to.

Perhaps it says a lot about me but if my husband was prepared to disrespect me like that publicly I would never feel the same about him again ever.

Wives like the OP deserve so much better.

When I used to travel a lot with work I’m sure I will have shared a dessert with a male colleague and yes, probably off the same plate. Never anything in it and definitely not intimate in anyway.
But this was intimate to the point your brother and other people noticed? And he “walked her to the tube”? How often does he spend time with her? Does he work away?
I would be doing some digging on his emails etc. He has admitted “things went a bit too far”. Eating a dessert? I don’t know. It’s possible you’ve caught him at the start, before he really fucks up or it’s possible this is much more. You need to find out which, with the full awareness that he is unlikely to be honest. I’m sorry op, it’s shit and he is beyond stupid to do this.

Hey OP ..
Sorry to hear you are feel like rubbish x …
Firstly , I wouldn’t be paying any heed to , he is protective of her, cause he walked her to the tube 🙄 ..
Any man who would leave a woman walk alone to the tube late At night on their own would be an asshole in my book ..
Yes , I know it wasn’t appropriate either that he walked her …
How is your marriage?

Personally I don’t think it’s been caught early enough.
It’s happened / happening.
The early stages he would be so very cautious - almost even making an effort not to talk to her publicly so as not to raise suspicion, let alone share a dessert. .
Once it’s established and going on for sometime - only then might he let his guard down, when the intimacy between them becomes so very normal and comfortable between them, little acts of intimacy that now come so easy. So regular and normal that he forgets himself.
Please please get into his phone.
Tell him he gives u full access and there’s a chance that whatever u find, you might be able to move on from. But tell him that if you find things out further down the line, that will be the end.
Her name might be stored under a different name, so please dig deep.
iPhone gives you logs of pinned places and details of places recently visited. I was amazed at the amount of detail stored on there. The obvious sexting and filthy pictures and call logs, my husband deleted. But there was so much more on the phone that I was not aware even existed.
it will ALL be on there, but don’t drag your feet or he will have much of it deleted, as my husband did. Get access to his work emails too
I feel so sad for you, I know how it feels and it’s the worst thing in the world, the absolute worst pain ever. To realise that for however many years, your life was unreal, it was nothing like you thought it was. He was not the man I married. I absolutely did not know the man I had spent 28 years of my life with.
it’s totally f@cked my brain and continues to.
When he 1st admitted to having a “good connection and what seemed to be an Emotional Affair” , I posted on mum’s net and everybody said that he absolutely was shagging her and would be using viagra as he has ED.
I got so angry with Mumsnet reply’s because I knew with all my heart that he was not capable of that.
But I did keep digging ……… 70% of mumsnet were absolutely spot on!
5 Years and shagging with Viagra in hotels all over town, living his best life.
“I trusted him.”
”I knew my husband wasn’t capable (😂😂F@CKIN 😂😂😂😥)”
I am sending you hugs and best wishes ❤️

@CMaxC, I understand how overwhelmed and diminished you feel. There is an incongruence between your H’s words and actions. You want to believe that he is ‘guilty of being naive’, but the evidence shows that he wanted to be in an intimate, buzzy zone with OW. They’ve had that illicit connection for a good while, and others will be aware of that.

After all of your previous discussions where he insisted that he stumbled into the ‘date’ scenario with OW, he is now admitting that they left together. He knows they were seen so he decided to confess to that. @CMaxC, he is an unremorseful, manipulative man who is still treating you with utter disrespect. He’s been making a mockery of you with this woman and is still doing so with his gaslighting and trickle truth. He has suffered no consequences and is confident that you are going nowhere.

With respect, you are doing yourself a great disservice by ostriching. It’s time to take action and dig for the truth. Gather your strength and gumption and talk to your brother. Investigate H’s phone, statements, drawers, bag, pockets and car.

Stop tolerating his guff and set a sharp consequence, @CMaxC. Tell him that you are reconsidering the relationship and send him away for a while.

I had a talk with my DH and he’s now admitted that he left the dinner with her alone and walked her to the tube.

Being as gentle as possible OP he is lying. He already kept this information from you most likely because someone saw them and he's knows that. He is trying to get ahead of it with you to stop the damn breaking. But it is leaking. Next it will be I put my arm around her but that's it I swear. Then it will be she kissed me but I didn't kiss back. Then we kissed but that's it I swear again. Then I went to her place but nothing happened. Then we went inside and I almost did but didn't. Then its we had sex but I immediately knew it was a mistake. Then its a whole affair going on months or years. It is classic drip feed from him and he is not being honest.

I know this is hard but you need the truth. Please talk to your DB and get it. He seems to be the only one who cares about your feelings. Your DH has treated you appallingly. He promises you everything yet the worst part is he is with her at work all the time probably promising her the same. If he hasn't fucked her yet he is planning on it and so is she. He is not naive. He let the wall come down willingly and now she knows he is open game. It is only a matter of time

Sorry but you sound naive. He’s having an affair OP, he’s now admitted in the bit about the tube as they were probably kissing, and someone saw them.
He is worried that they will tell you first. You need to speak to your brother, he is looking out for you.

And you my dear, presume the worst 🤷🏻‍♀️..
What went on is definitely not right, but they may not be embarking on an affair just yet , hopefully for OPS sake , it’s been brought to her attention before anything does happen & her marriage can be saved 🤞

You don't actually know this though.

I mean it's pretty likely. But I had a two year similar situation with a work guy, and we never so much as kissed.

It was very very intimate but nothing physical happened.

So let's not just make assumptions when you know literally none of the people involved. This is someone's life you're merrily expounding upon with no basis.

The fact that you had an intimate relationship like this shows you know better. He is a married man. Were you married? Did you lie to your DP? He already lied to her about what happened that night. He has shown his true colors. Defending him because you did similar is gross and projecting as well. You don't know them either.

No I don't know them either. But I haven't posted on this thread stating that the husband is obviously lying and definitely having an affair, unlike many many others.

I'm saying it's possible that there's the emotional affair going on, but nothing else. Because it is possible.

Is an emotional affair ok then? You seem to think so, however some people would find being ‘very very intimate’ with another person, worse than a drunken shag.

I don't know where you got the idea that I was saying it was fine, apart from the MN addiction to picking a fight for no reason.

It was the worst thing that ever happened to me.

All I'm saying is, it might be more balanced to NOT jump on a thread going 'HE IS DEFINITELY FUCKING HER' because, well, that may not have happened.

Doesn't mean it's not a massive threat to their marriage though.

How are you doing @CMaxC? Did you get to the bottom of things?