Want my abusive violent son out!!

[Whatayear2023]

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

No. She would very likely be charged with child abandonment.

Exactly. He's not a cute Sen boy who doesn't know better. Call it enabling if you wish. Violence is a crime

All that shite with enablism all the way women are left battered because cute Sen boy is waiting assessment. Bollocks

Hi @Whatayear2023 have already commented above - but tried to find the link to the charity which hopefully can offer good first steps advice.
Whatever has caused this, whether he is in school or not, whether he is mentally ill or not - you need to take urgent action and hopefully this link can provide actual steps within the law.
Good luck again x

I haven’t RTFT so don’t know if this organisation has been linked already:
https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/
Child to parent abuse is a much more common problem than people think and it’s a growing problem.

Hi OP @Whatayear2023

It sounds like you are having an awful time. I haven’t read the full thread so apologies but I have read all your replies and it seems like you might be asking for help in the wrong places. Your GP is not the best person to speak to to get referrals for LA intervention.

You need to make a parental request for an Education Health Care Needs Assessment and put him back on a school roll. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t go for now but the LA will want to see that you are trying mainstream in order to look beyond it for alternative placements.

Once that is done you need to get the senco at the school to re-refer for autism/adhd assessment (not that it will make a difference one way or the other but if identified ADHD you could try medication which might help some of the impulsive behaviour). Once referral is made you need to go down the right to choose pathway to get seen quickly.

The next step is to get team around the family meetings set up with the school. They should invite the team around the family support office (may have a different title) which is a tier 2 social care intervention. They will recommend other tier 2 services for you to try which may be helpful and if are not helpful will build your case for being referred up the chain to tier 3 and 4 (statutory services).

Hopefully it is clear that the best thing you can do here is to GET HIM ON A SCHOOL ROLL. Any school roll. Things can move from there.

You do know involving the police is not the full answer, don't you? Who knows what that moght do to him lobger term :(

It sounds like things escalated as he went through puberty and as he's still going through that you are his punching bag @Whatayear2023 .

I would go to social services and the education dept because he needs help. They could house him (whether that will help him or make him worse you wont know until it happens) but they def need to look at the fact he's also not being educated.

He may be SEN. Did he ever have probs reading or writing or was behind with language or dexterity? It could be neurodiversity and frustration, but until he is properly assessed who knows. So, I'd also call CAMHS. Someone needs to do a proper assessment before he seriously injures you.

Sending a hug x

I work for social services.

Contact them and tell them you are unable to care for your child anymore due to xyz.
He's putting your other children at risk and it's your duty to keep them safe - he will be considered for a foster placement or residential home under a S20.
You can't keep yourself or the children safe and therefore you are signing over his care to a provision where you and your other children are no longer at risk.. the fact you have other children makes a massive difference to whether or not Social Care will intervene.

Yes, you can still love your son, despite his despicable actions.
I don't have any magic solutions OP but I think it is worth getting some sort of social services support.
I have had similar experiences to you which sadly got worse. In hindsight, I wish I had accessed formal channels of support.
I can identify with the nightmare of your situation. Sending you strength and I am very sorry that your mum died. That has increased your isolation and sadness

They do not without completing an assessment

get him arrested next time he assaults you ,press charges .Tell police to ask social services to pick him up as you refuse to let him come home as you fear for your life.

I dont see how they can charge you for child abandonment if you genuinely fear for your safety and you tell the right authorities that you cannot cope

I don't understand the "maybe he's sen" replies. Who cares it's unlikely to change his behaviours.

Tell SW you can't care for him any more.

Of course it could make a difference. Nobody is saying “oh he is probably SEN therefore carry on letting him use you as a punch bag”
Its not an excuse, its a potential reason and a valid question to ask as other people can advise on where OP should go for support, resources etc.

So for example, if he has PDA or similar, in order to keep herself safe before a better solution is found, she may decide to try and remove all demands from him if that’s what is triggering him. Probably not a long term solution but it could keep OP and her other child safe in the meantime and it’s something she can implement immediately

Well unfortunately for your son he is wrong about this.

It's quite clear that he is on a path that will result in him seriously injuring you, or someone else, or worse.

You will need to fight for it, but you must get him into a care environment where professionals that he can't bully can deal with him. You will be discouraged but this is absolutely an option that's open to you.

I have a kid like this although he's younger and only just getting stronger than me. Touch wood the last year had been a massive change and much better. I begged for help and never got any. The experience you describe is exactly what I've been through although my son has diagnosed SEN. I sent repeat emails to SS stating me and kids are getting hurt and at risk. They did repeated assessments that all came back im a brilliant parent so they have no role. I complained saying they have à duty to disabled children, they said no money to help. Eventually we did get a disability social worker when I started quoting the law and threatening legal actions and to go to the press. Said I'd written everything up and my family would take everything to the press when one of us dies. Still no help. After he pushed my dd into traffic and I yanked her back by her hair to save her being hit by a van I called social services and said I can't keep him I have 3 kids all are suffering and I have no choice but to give him up to save the two I can help. They refused to take him I insisted and then they said ok we won't take him as we have no placements for children like this but we will take your other two children to keep them safe if you don't drop this. I was horrified and went I line for support and there are families out there who have actually had this happen to them!! Anyway I knew I could not cope and called their bluff, said we have had repeated children and family assessments over the years in response to me begging for help and your own assessment say I'm a good mother, I can prove I've been proactive and prove you have broken the law regarding your responsibility to disabled children, you cannot just remove my other children you have to have a judge sign off in that and I will get legal aid to fight you so take me to court if that's what it takes to get safety for my kids because I will not back down.

They caved and granted restbite care. In my own home. Initially was many hours but in reality only 10 hours a week. By this point if fought through the education tribunal and won that so add the restbite to 1:1 I can now at least leave the house with my other kids and he can rot at home supervised by a nice big strong man who is an absolute fuckibg saint.

The turning point was my son realising I would give him up. Realising his dad was refusing to have him. The social workers were terrible for talking about this stuff in his hearing and initially I resisted that but essentially that means I never was able to say how bad things were. So I had to say truthfully what was happening and the SW said he would go into a group hein with restraint and locked alone in a room when he acts how he does. Son had been traumatised by being restrained at school so this was scary for him. It was a turning point not a fix. He still hits out when he's struggling occasionally and now has so much self hatered I feel so guilty. BUT he is trying and I can see that. And somehow knowing he is trying and seeing that slow progress makes my feelings about his behaviour ok. He now does attend some provisions with his carer. I can now work two short days a week and that's made a huge difference to my mental health. We had quiet a few carers refuse to come back or I had to feline them after they handled him badly. The cater we have now took some horrendous behaviour but has been coming back for over a year and my son loves him and progress is happening albeit very very slowly. I'm not constantly fighting fires so can proactively stop ds getting so disregulated he acts that way. He doesn't speak to me like shit and will say he loves me, will say please can you leave me alone I'm feeling overwhelmed or please can you stay with me I'm feeling worried- all things that he couldn't identify let alone voice before and would have led to violence.

Anyway that's our story. Sorry it so long. Basically I'm saying if you are serious about putting him into care be prepared to have to fight for that and be prepared to have to fight against threats they will take your other children. If you have a history of seeking help you should be ok and if they take action then you get legal aid to fight them. Likelihood is they won't take action and will give you restbite- which again is not a fix but take it and use it to keep yourself sane and strong and to give your other children opportunities they currently do not get. If ds sees you are serious he may start trying. And alongside this apply for an EHCP and get 1:1 in there so you effectively get school hours restbite. Then request a man as 1:1. If that not enough go back and fight for 2:1. You will at least be safe in school hours then.

I think if I was going through this now I'd be tempted to quote the Southport killings at SS. Because that was similar- parents desperately sought help for years and none came. Lessons are supposed to be being learned and all that

Because if she knows what is behind the behaviours she might be able to address the behaviours. I know many children diagnosed with ASD and ADHD whose behaviour has completely changed once on medication.

@Whatayear2023 Please see what @Dramatic says.

For your own safety please call the police every single time he assaults you and every single time he destroys something.

This is for your own protection.

Clearly - as said - you need intense support but that may take a while to set up. When/if you contact anyone professional [Police/council services etc] make a written log which you keep in a safe place or give a copy every time to a trusted friend. This is to prevent any come-back at a later time by others saying they never knew the detail

Don’t try and patronise me. 🙄

There isn’t always a cause, he’s not the priority here when he’s pulling a knife on his mum. Short of psychosis, there is no excuse for it.

Cops, every time. Let him be a hard man then.

That seems a bit naive. He might improve but doubt he'll become pleasant safe company

I don’t think I tried to patronise you

And you saying that there isn’t always a cause also means that sometimes there is one.

I don’t disagree with the advice on calling the police but surely, in advance of a more permanent solution, the best approach to keep the OP safe is to try and de-escalate IF IT IS POSSIBLE and the best way of doing that would be try and understand what is triggering his behaviour. It’s not an excuse for his behaviour, it’s not saying that it’s ok for her to be his personal punch bag, it’s trying to avoid, as far as possible, a dangerous situation. That is why I asked if he had been diagnosed with any mental conditions so that the OP could gain more tailored advice.

It really isn't for most people
At beat he would be fostered and not necessarily with people that can deal with his needs .

She can't press charges because that would becup to the CPS to see if there are any charges to be brought..

He's 13 you have no idea how he will be in 5,10,15 years time .

Not good company

Lots of unpleasant angry teenagers do grow up to be pleasant with the right support.

I get why people say call the police, but what happens if you don't get the response you want. IME, it can take 3 days before they turn up to take a statement and issue a crime number.
Then CPS has to agree there is a case.
Then, a magistrate has to impose a sanction.
If the result is the little cherub isn't severely punished, he will have it confirmed he is untouchable. Not the desired effect, really.