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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want my abusive violent son out!!

234 replies

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:01

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

OP posts:
LostittoBostik · 07/02/2025 13:28

OP, I've just read your update. If you have other younger children I think you need to seriously consider foster care to protect them while both he and you get the support to move forward.
Call the police every time he's violent from now on. Be honest that you're worried he's going to kill you.

Cornishclio · 07/02/2025 13:29

I think you need to speak to social services and ask for advice. Foster care may be an option but if he is violent that may be tricky as they won't want to place him with other children. It may be a police matter. Such a shame but it is unacceptable to live like this. Even if he is autistic he needs to learn violence is unacceptable. Does he have any interests or friends?

Bollihobs · 07/02/2025 13:29

As others have said contact people - your GP, Social Services, Children's services - and keep on pushing - enlist your local Councillor's help - mine was great when I needed SS intervention for a relative. I am guessing if he has been excluded from school there must be some history for him with SS to build on, a contact name etc. And two things to remember, doing the best for your son doesn't always mean doing it all yourself and second, you matter too! Good luck!

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/02/2025 13:31

Who has been involved so far? I’d expect social work to have an interest in a child refusing school, has a referral been made to CAMHS for assessment and therapy? Simply put the fight for support is ridiculous and very hard to keep up when you’re also trying to parent in such challenging circumstances but if folk know what you’ve already tried they might be able to make useful suggestions.

What kind of behaviour management have you tried that has worked when he was much younger, and when did you see him change to where he is now?

Original poster
Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:31

alwaysMakingItsofar · 07/02/2025 13:27

the boy refused to go. You cannot physically shove a child to go to school if they don't want to move their own body. That will assault

Show quote history

Exactly I'm unable to force him physically to do anything. I've explained consequently what happens should he not.do what I ask yet he doesn't care... its like teachers when they used to come, they couldn't force him to care or do anything. Now he thinks he's untouchable that's the problem.

OP posts:
alwaysMakingItsofar · 07/02/2025 13:32

Errors · 07/02/2025 13:24

If you can find the cause, sometimes this helps to find a solution…
Different types of support she could access for example
Different approaches to managing his behaviour

Do you even really need to ask this question?

Show quote history

I do because there was another mum here with 2 threads filled who has a song who is diagnosed and she has been around all possible avenues of action and nothing is done to help her

augustusglupe · 07/02/2025 13:33

alwaysMakingItsofar · 07/02/2025 13:21

and even if he has, how this will help her wanting to be safe at her own home ?????

Show quote history

I know, I’m fed up of this being used for bad behaviour.
Maybe he’s sen, autistic, adhd?! But he’s also violently abusive to his mum and that needs to take precedence over everything.

Lightuptheroom · 07/02/2025 13:33

Ok, so home education can't be forced on you, it's 'elective'
Put in an In Year Admission application and get him back in school, schools cannot 'off roll' pupils, it's illegal.
Should he continue to behave like this in school, then they have to put behaviour management in place.

That's the first step and gives him some structure and means someone is tracking him.

Then, contact 'Early Help' yes it's social workers and the local authority, but its low threshold and designed to give you support. They can suggest local youth groups, assign a worker to your son, give him some input from someone who isn't you.

Halycon · 07/02/2025 13:34

Yes he thinks he’s untouchable because he gets to regularly assault and abuse his mother to the point of almost knocking your teeth out and leaving knife marks.

I don’t want to sound harsh in any way as you’re in such a bad position here, but up until now you’ve shown him that he can get away with whatever he wants.

You need to change this now. Before he’s 17, stronger, taller and probably murders you.

Listen to the screeds of good advice on this thread.

PragmaticIsh · 07/02/2025 13:34

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:27

A lot of things offered are only available if child goes or is willing to engage...my son is not. He says no and apparently he says it's his.human right to have his opinion and I or anyone else cannot force him to speak or go somewhere he does not want to go. If he's asked a simple.question he replies I don't think that is any of your business.

From everything you've said it sounds as though ASD is possible, with a PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance). Has your GP helped with a referral for SEN assessment?

It also sounds as though his school off-rolled your DS. Which shouldn't happen but does. The council are required to provide him with an education, even if it's a home based education or in a specialist school.

SoTiredNeedHoliday · 07/02/2025 13:35

Is he angry with external non family members or is he 'normal' then?

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You really are in no win situation and I expect you feel no one understands - how can they, this is not brought on by what you are doing. Its something in him

Did he find school challenging? did he perhaps feel 'no good', 'not good enough' when he was there? Not that that is an excuse for how he is. I just wonder why he's so angry.

Halycon · 07/02/2025 13:35

augustusglupe · 07/02/2025 13:33

I know, I’m fed up of this being used for bad behaviour.
Maybe he’s sen, autistic, adhd?! But he’s also violently abusive to his mum and that needs to take precedence over everything.

Show quote history

Exactly.

Why do people get to shirk all responsibility for their behaviour because of a possible condition like that? Drives me mad. Also, the courts don’t generally give a shit about diagnoses like those, so removing all personal responsibility does no favours for the future of someone with ASD/ADHD.

Pineapplewaves · 07/02/2025 13:36

Next time he is violent towards you, call the police, that will put a stop to him thinking he's untouchable.

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 13:37

It's not very likely that he will be placed in care. You can't just 'put your child in care' and you certainly can't just drop your child off at an office and expect social workers to find somewhere for them to stay.

You need a social work assessment, police to be involved every time he assaults you, a referral for autism and ADHD assessment (contact the GP and ask for right to choose) and involvement from the local authority SEN education team. Home schooling isn't meeting his needs and can't continue. There are schools for children with emotional/behavioural school refusal, and those for children with ND. The LA should have a service for children not in education. Pretending he's homeschooled to avoid fines is just masking the issue. You need to make a big fuss until you get a professional network involved.

Original poster
Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:37

Lightuptheroom · 07/02/2025 13:33

Ok, so home education can't be forced on you, it's 'elective'
Put in an In Year Admission application and get him back in school, schools cannot 'off roll' pupils, it's illegal.
Should he continue to behave like this in school, then they have to put behaviour management in place.

That's the first step and gives him some structure and means someone is tracking him.

Then, contact 'Early Help' yes it's social workers and the local authority, but its low threshold and designed to give you support. They can suggest local youth groups, assign a worker to your son, give him some input from someone who isn't you.

Hes had that in primary... the attendance officer there did it... he refused to speak to youth support worker and told him to go as he's not welcome in his home and he's wasting his time and effort. Primary school did do all these things but just like me they couldn't force him to do it
I even gave permission in High school for 2 teachers to come to take him to school as I couldn't get him to go... they tried he said no to them also

OP posts:
MissDoubleU · 07/02/2025 13:39

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:27

A lot of things offered are only available if child goes or is willing to engage...my son is not. He says no and apparently he says it's his.human right to have his opinion and I or anyone else cannot force him to speak or go somewhere he does not want to go. If he's asked a simple.question he replies I don't think that is any of your business.

It is your human right to safety and his wants don’t trump your needs. Get the police involved for his own sake. He needs to understand fundamentally that someone CAN force him to go somewhere he doesn’t want. The police can and WILL force him into incarceration if his violent behaviour continues. Honestly it sounds like it will be the best thing for him. He does not have the right to violence.

wherearemypastnames · 07/02/2025 13:39

He is physically violent to you

Report to the police - probably a way to get social service also - it's your only way out that I can see

Onelifeonly · 07/02/2025 13:41

I think you should call the police next time he is violent, and every subsequent time. I have had dealings with them and know others who have too, and they can be instrumental in getting problems like this taken seriously. They would likely contact social children's care - another professional will have more clout with them than you do as a parent (sad, but true) and possibly education and child mental health services too.

I know these services are sorely underfunded these days, but it's worth a try. If he is allocated some kind of therapist and won't cooperate, it's still possible you could get some support for yourself.

beAsensible1 · 07/02/2025 13:41

Have you been to the police OP? as if you are getting knife marks and black eyes, its quite serious.

Are your other children at risk from him as well?

Original poster
Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:42

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 13:37

It's not very likely that he will be placed in care. You can't just 'put your child in care' and you certainly can't just drop your child off at an office and expect social workers to find somewhere for them to stay.

You need a social work assessment, police to be involved every time he assaults you, a referral for autism and ADHD assessment (contact the GP and ask for right to choose) and involvement from the local authority SEN education team. Home schooling isn't meeting his needs and can't continue. There are schools for children with emotional/behavioural school refusal, and those for children with ND. The LA should have a service for children not in education. Pretending he's homeschooled to avoid fines is just masking the issue. You need to make a big fuss until you get a professional network involved.

He said he would do work at home but now won't... we have a home education officer who checks and I've told her what's happening and all she says is try this try that... if I've tried this and that then what...
She said she would bet her house he's mentally ill as she said you can tell by talking to him.
Went to gp last November crying I couldn't cope needed help etc a referral was made as gp said sounds like he has sad but got.letter saying we don't meet criteria for extra support at some mash meeting ?? Then it says to contact family advice for parenting groups

OP posts:
Hwi · 07/02/2025 13:43

Next time he raises his hand to you, call the police and ask him to be put to a young offenders' institution (say he beats you regularly). If the staff don't succeed in turning his behaviour and life around, the inmates will quickly cure him of his propensity to beat people. Either way, it is too late for social workers, I think the YOI is the only way.

Startinganew32 · 07/02/2025 13:43

I’m afraid I’d put him in care without a moments hesitation with violence this bad. If you have other children it’s unbelievably cruel to make them live in this environment. It’s also not fair for you to have to. He will kill you at some point - don’t let that happen.

XWKD · 07/02/2025 13:43

I'm so dreadfully sorry you are going through this, OP.

Startinganew32 · 07/02/2025 13:44

It's not very likely that he will be placed in care. You can't just 'put your child in care' and you certainly can't just drop your child off at an office and expect social workers to find somewhere for them to stay.

You can. They have a duty to house him if you do and you are firm enough on refusing to take him back.

Original poster
Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:45

Yes he has been spoken to by police on two occasions. I'm not hiding anything and I'm probably more open than I should be.

OP posts: