Want my abusive violent son out!!

[Whatayear2023]

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

Also I'm sure you already have, but look up PDA profile of autism. If demands are what is causing the explosions I would reduce them to the absolute minimum, or really none if at all possible. You can't parent him in a normal way currently, and if trying to make "good" choices for him is causing violence it's just not worth it unless it's something absolutely essential, and then approach it very delicately, maybe over text message would sometimes be easier too

What does he do all day as not in school? Does he use a play station, wander the streets, have friends, pets, what?
Do you work and leave him at home? What does your elder son think is the cause and cure?
You haven't really said much about him, whether he has interests etc.

@MrsSkylerWhite Bad wording on my part.. I mean it's essential that he's put back on a school roll so that the departments who may be able to help don't think that he's being electively home educated. No one can drag a teenager into school, but if they're not on roll anywhere and EHE should have ceased to be recognised, then its another gap he's falling down.
I do work with oppositional youngsters every day as my job, so I have a very good understanding of just how difficult it can be. By remaining EHE, the local authority has no liability to provide education.

Easy for you to say whennits not your child
And you can't just abandon a child with no comeback on your self.

OP I said upthread Inform your younger childrens school about the effect on them too
They will have a safeguarding lead at school who will refer to CS also
I had a similar situation with DS1.. he was eventually removed and accommodated because of physical abuse towards DS2 and DS3.
This was 20 years ago and I realise services are more stretched now
Start the chain from your younger DCs safety upwards.
You may get some action there.

@Lightuptheroom

Do you mean getting him on the school role would just be a technicality and he wouldn't actually be in school? I hope so

Because the safety of the class teacher and other pupils should absolutely not be put at risk by allowing this person into the classroom.

The greater good has to be considered and if it is for the greater good that this male is not in school, then that's what has to be done. He suffers a lack of education or the others-adults and children-suffer a loss of safety.

The greater good of 30 other people is far more important than the greater good of 1.

Do you not think she is suffering comeback-and violent comeback at that- at the moment.
Let them send her letters, give her court dates-at least she'll be in one piece.

@ExpensiveBiscuits Yes people do abandon their children. OP can do that. But it is a criminal offence. I have no idea if CPS would prosecute, but it would show up on a criminal record as child abuse if they did.

I grew up in local authority care. It was a group home of around 50 children aged from 4 to 16.
We had many children like the op son come in over the years. Thinking they were the boss and that they could do anything they liked.
It usually didn't take them long to realise that they couldn't without consequences.
The staff didn't need to do a thing, the older children sorted them out. With kindness where possible but would give back as good as they got if they turned violent. No one was allowed to get away with bullying
I can only ever remember a couple who could not be sorted out and they ended up being sent to a reform school.

Section 20 will involve an assessment and child protection conferences, so it does take months, but once CS are involved there may be an emergency duty to remove.

Section 20 doesn't involve child protection conferences. It might follow from a CP conference but not necessarily.

It's not that simple though is it ,it's not about what you or I t
Should think should happen
There is a process to be followed.

@ExpensiveBiscuits legally he has a right to an education. In order to access any kind of alternative provision, he has to be on a school roll. If his behaviour is deemed unacceptable in a school setting, then the school will go down the permanent exclusion route and place him in alternative provision that way. Elective Home Education means that the local authority has no liability at all to provide anything. No one can decide that a young person shouldn't be in school until correct processes have been followed.

How? Her problem needs sorting immediately. It sounds as if OP has done all she can. The boy needs removing from the family, he is putting them in danger!

Ring social services and get them to come out again

Social services were a massive help to my family and got my DD pushed to the top of the cahms waiting list, she was diagnosed within 4 months of them getting involved. They've set her up with therapy too. They were a massive advocate for us both and got our entire family the help and support we needed. Can't thank them enough

Get on the phone to social and explain, get someone to come out and they should help.

How does your son spend his time if he's not at school and not engaging in home ed?

been there, done that. Dont bother with GP. Make a self referral to the MASSH team and ring the police whenever he gets violent. That will trigger SS involvement and help. Does he have an Ehcp? If not apply for one. Don't home school him (doesn't sound like it's working anyways)

I could have written something years ago that was identical to this in relation to a family member and their child. However their child had a diagnosis for autism, ADHD and PDA which I wonder if these come into it with your son. (it does not excuse the behaviour) I would recommend speaking to social services for ugrent help and support. I'm sorry your going through this OP its a horrible situation to be in. I have two ND kids of my own one tween and one teen and when my tween was younger she was very physical towards me and no one else! It was a really awful time so I truly sympathise with you. I'm also sorry for your loss it's not easy when a parent passes away especially if they are like you say 'all you had'. X

In contradiction of a comment someone else made about not being able to leave a child with social services (for whatever reason), you absolutely can. I am a foster carer and at present have a sibling pair whose parents did just that. They have nowhere near the serious issues your son has, and violence was not involved. But they had stolen some money and the parents rejected them both and they have been with me for over two years now. The parents still retain parental responsibility and always come to meetings and assessments, but refuse to have them home. For me, they are a joy to have.

I really think for your sake, for your child's sake and for your other children's sake you should do this. Once in care your son will be able to receive more help and support, and hopefully once this is done, you will be able to go back to being son and mother again. I wish you luck.

Dropping him off on the side of a motorway is a crime. Surrendering your violent, abusive child to children's services because he is beating you and your other children is not.

I think her son believes he has a carte blanche to behave the way he does, and a serious visit from the police and a social worker to explain that no, the OP does not actually have to endure this until he puts her in hospital or kills her. She DOES have options, and none of them look very bright for him. It doesn't sound like he has ever faced a consequence he cares about.

Absolutely. My son is AuDHD with PDA and many similar traits which I recognise. The behaviour is his nervous system being in constant fight/flight mode. The demand avoidance and controlling behaviour ie telling you when to leave the room etc is a reaction to feeling threat to his autonomy.
Once I knew what was causing the behaviour I learnt how best to deal with it. Walking away and not engaging in arguments is important for your own self care .
Atpeaceparents on Instagram is a valuable source of knowledge and insight and gives really useful tips for helping deal with teens who display these traits.
Good luck OP it’s really hard.

She’s not abandoning him she is surrendering him to the authorities who have let them both down. But I agree she needs crisis help with him.

She needs the GP to refer to CAMHS. Why are you saying not to bother with them!?

I work via an agency with lots of young people who are school reducers etc. CAMHS is a waste of time as it will take literally months to even get an initial assessment. The most pressing thing here is that he is being violent and putting you and your other children at risk.

You say police and other agencies are already aware. This does sound like a case where you need to exercise tough love and contact Soc Serv and say that you can not tolerate his violent and abusive behaviour any more and want him to go into foster care. It is completely untenable for him to remain at home.

Alternatively, the next time he does anything physically violent, whether an assault or criminal damage, you must phone the police and when they attend, ask them to take him away and refuse to take him back.

i feel for you - it is a horrendous situation to be in. I know from experience that the authorities will not do anything as long as they know the parent will still have the young person at home; they will do anything to avoid taking him into care, so you really need to force the point.

CAHMS is if a child has mental health issues or neurodiversity. Everyone OP has spoken to has said her child is not neurodiverse.