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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want my abusive violent son out!!

234 replies

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:01

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

OP posts:
JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:56

Arran2024 · 07/02/2025 15:55

Children aged between 10 and 17 can be arrested and taken to court if they commit a crime. They can def take him in for questioning. After that it's to do with social services.

I'm an adopter and I do know families with very violent children who have had to go down this route.

Show quote history

Yes he can be arrested and taken to court. I was replying to the person who was suggesting police might take the boy away to let everyone cook down and give them a break.

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 15:58

What a horrible situation OP. I can only say what I would do in your situation.

The next time I was assaulted I would call both the police & an ambulance. I would insist he was sectioned under the mental health act & I would tell them them he needs help. So far nobody has done anything to help us & I can't take anymore. If you don't remove him now I will lock the door on him & face the consequences. This would of course be scare tactics but you are in an extremely dangerous situation OP & needs must. Meanwhile I would love & care for him as usual until that day of no going back arrived.

MaloryJones · 07/02/2025 16:00

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 14:18

I said you can't just 'put your child in care' because you can't. You can ask for them to be accommodated and work through the process of assessment and engaging with support prior to that decision being made, and it might be the outcome, but lots of people think you can just drop your child off at the office and that's it. You can't.

Show quote history

Only you CAN !

For many reasons I done just that with two of my DCs.
It was take them, now , or admit me, now, to a psych unit please.

Police came and took them and from there, so I discovered the next day, Social Services placed them into emergency foster care, that night/early hours.
They would not return to Me for 6 months.
Stop telling the OP untruths

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 16:01

Please do NOT call an ambulance unless you actually need one. Apart from it being a misuse of services, you will be seen as an issue as you will have to exaggerate your injuries to get an ambulance. Black eyes and bruises do not warrant an ambulance.

Nanny0gg · 07/02/2025 16:07

Lightuptheroom · 07/02/2025 13:33

Ok, so home education can't be forced on you, it's 'elective'
Put in an In Year Admission application and get him back in school, schools cannot 'off roll' pupils, it's illegal.
Should he continue to behave like this in school, then they have to put behaviour management in place.

That's the first step and gives him some structure and means someone is tracking him.

Then, contact 'Early Help' yes it's social workers and the local authority, but its low threshold and designed to give you support. They can suggest local youth groups, assign a worker to your son, give him some input from someone who isn't you.

How do you propose that she actually gets him into school?

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:08

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 16:01

Please do NOT call an ambulance unless you actually need one. Apart from it being a misuse of services, you will be seen as an issue as you will have to exaggerate your injuries to get an ambulance. Black eyes and bruises do not warrant an ambulance.

If a child is showing severe mental health issues & has harmed himself or others of course you can call an ambulance to have him admitted to an emergency Psychiatric unit. Why should mental health be treated differently to physical health. I've known of an individual,albeit an adult,being dragged into an ambulance due to a severe mental health breakdown, so sorry I don't agree.

WallaceinAnderland · 07/02/2025 16:10

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:45

Yes he has been spoken to by police on two occasions. I'm not hiding anything and I'm probably more open than I should be.

Why only two occasions? You need to report him every single time he assaults you or another person. The age of criminal responsibility in England is 10 and he is way over that age.

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 16:10

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:08

If a child is showing severe mental health issues & has harmed himself or others of course you can call an ambulance to have him admitted to an emergency Psychiatric unit. Why should mental health be treated differently to physical health. I've known of an individual,albeit an adult,being dragged into an ambulance due to a severe mental health breakdown, so sorry I don't agree.

Show quote history

You are diagnosing this as a mental health breakdown. A teenager being violent is not automatically having mental health problems

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:12

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 16:10

You are diagnosing this as a mental health breakdown. A teenager being violent is not automatically having mental health problems

Show quote history

His mother has said she strongly suspects serious mental health problems & he isn't receiving the proper help. At 12/13 he is also a young child. That's enough to merit drastic measures imo.

There is far too much pussyfooting around in cases like this with random indecissive chats about referrals for tests,assessments & goodness knows what else with waiting lists as long as your arm. All this pussyfooting can have serious consequences for those immediately involved & others.

OP sounds like she is desperate. She would be well within her rights to take the situation into her own hands. The next time she is assaulted she should demand her son is sectioned for the the safety of her other children & above all to get the help her child so desperately requires.

Scentedjasmin · 07/02/2025 16:17

I don't understand why he's not in school. He's clearly missing out on an education and social life. That can't help. He may well have issues, but I have to say that it does sound like your parenting style could be a contributory factor. Have you tried any parenting courses? Do he have any siblings? Where's his Dad? Do you also work? Is your mental health ok? Perhaps if he sees you sat at home all day and not going to work, he thinks that he can do the same. 12 is pretty young for a child to refuse to go to school, so something is definitely amiss.

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 16:19

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:12

His mother has said she strongly suspects serious mental health problems & he isn't receiving the proper help. At 12/13 he is also a young child. That's enough to merit drastic measures imo.

There is far too much pussyfooting around in cases like this with random indecissive chats about referrals for tests,assessments & goodness knows what else with waiting lists as long as your arm. All this pussyfooting can have serious consequences for those immediately involved & others.

OP sounds like she is desperate. She would be well within her rights to take the situation into her own hands. The next time she is assaulted she should demand her son is sectioned for the the safety of her other children & above all to get the help her child so desperately requires.

Edited
Show quote history

Op has told everyone about what is happening. No one else including the GP has suggested mental health problems

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 16:20

MaloryJones · 07/02/2025 16:00

Only you CAN !

For many reasons I done just that with two of my DCs.
It was take them, now , or admit me, now, to a psych unit please.

Police came and took them and from there, so I discovered the next day, Social Services placed them into emergency foster care, that night/early hours.
They would not return to Me for 6 months.
Stop telling the OP untruths

Show quote history

Just because it happened to some people doesn't make it something that anyone can just do! That's my point!!

YourHappyJadeEagle · 07/02/2025 16:20

Startinganew32 · 07/02/2025 14:01

They do have a duty to accommodate a child in need and if the parent refuses to have the child at their house, the LA has to step in and can be judicially reviewed if they don’t. Section 20 Children Act 1989.

Show quote history

@Whatayear2023 You sound exhausted by this and you shouldn’t have to put up with it. I was specifically trained to deal with” challenging behaviour” including many restraint courses but I wouldn’t like to tackle your son alone, from what you’ve described.
@Startinganew32 has put the correct part of the Children Act. Contact SS and state he needs to go into care for your safety , his and your other children.
If they suggest other parenting courses just state you have done that. You’ve done everything.
If he’s willing to use a knife he could kill you —- from what you’ve written the doesn’t seem to have a filter and acts impulsively.
If SS won’t listen contact your MP, local councillors or even a solicitor if that’s possible. A mother shouldn’t have to fight for her safety.

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 16:21

@MaloryJones By the way, you can not get admitted to a psych unit because you request it. You can get assessed.

WorkHardPlay · 07/02/2025 16:22

You’re experiencing CAPVA - Child Adolescence to Parent Violence and Abuse. I would suggest you firstly contact help agencies that specialise in this. All domestic abuse helplines for women will also help and support you (CAPVA is domestic abuse)

Your son is clearly dangerous and is abusing you physically, and mentally. If you have other children living with you, they are also at risk of harm and you should make this clear when you’re talking with agencies. He is in need of mental health support. From what you have said, he is a risk to you, himself and others.

His refusal to engage and get support is dangerous for both of you and I’d suggest you are both in crisis. He needs an urgent referral to Child and Adolescent Mental Health Services (CAMHS).

I would contact 111 (Select Option 2 for mental health and Option 2 again for CAHMS) - you can also call the police but make it very clear that you need him to be removed for both your safety. I would make it clear that you’re unable now to take care of him, and they should take him into police protection, and they will make the referral to social services. Social services can then make those additional referrals into CAHMS/SEN assessments. If he continues to refuse, I’d suggest they’d likely be looking to section him.

ExpensiveBiscuits · 07/02/2025 16:24

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:12

His mother has said she strongly suspects serious mental health problems & he isn't receiving the proper help. At 12/13 he is also a young child. That's enough to merit drastic measures imo.

There is far too much pussyfooting around in cases like this with random indecissive chats about referrals for tests,assessments & goodness knows what else with waiting lists as long as your arm. All this pussyfooting can have serious consequences for those immediately involved & others.

OP sounds like she is desperate. She would be well within her rights to take the situation into her own hands. The next time she is assaulted she should demand her son is sectioned for the the safety of her other children & above all to get the help her child so desperately requires.

Edited
Show quote history

Is 13 a young child? In three years, he will be able to marry, drive in 4 years and maybe even vote in three years if the government lowers the voting age.

Surely a young child is a child under 10.

voodoodollwithmyname · 07/02/2025 16:25

I love my children but if any of them spoke to me that way or assaulted me the way you described I'd have their bags packed and they'd be dropped off at social services

aspidernamedfluffy · 07/02/2025 16:29

Scentedjasmin · 07/02/2025 16:17

I don't understand why he's not in school. He's clearly missing out on an education and social life. That can't help. He may well have issues, but I have to say that it does sound like your parenting style could be a contributory factor. Have you tried any parenting courses? Do he have any siblings? Where's his Dad? Do you also work? Is your mental health ok? Perhaps if he sees you sat at home all day and not going to work, he thinks that he can do the same. 12 is pretty young for a child to refuse to go to school, so something is definitely amiss.

Have you tried reading the OP's updates? The answers to your questions are all there.

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:30

He sounds extremely immature therefore at at 13 he is a young child.

Lilactimes · 07/02/2025 16:35

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 14:00

I asked for that at gp last November was told he would make referral and them I got that letter afterwards.

Show quote history

dear @Whatayear2023 This sounds difficult and awful and I really feel for you.
whether he has mental health issues or not this is severe behaviour that can’t go on.
I think posters who talk about parenting etc are missing the point - there are too many stories of young troubled men committing hideous crimes so this needs to be acted on urgently and seriously for your own, your children and actually your son’s benefit - and potentially - god forbid - the wider community in the long term.
I don’t know the exact steps you should follow - but a number of people on here have written them out. I hope you can sift through the solutions for urgent intervention, get police involved. At this younger stage, it’s possibly a time he could be helped.
I wish you so much luck. the charity for adolescence - adult violence sounds like a good place to get solid and reliable information from today.
sending lots of love to you x

ExpensiveBiscuits · 07/02/2025 16:43

Liveandletlive18 · 07/02/2025 16:30

He sounds extremely immature therefore at at 13 he is a young child.

Does that mean that an extremely immature man-and there are plenty of them and many of them like to be violent- is also a young child?

Who knew that if someone is extremely immature- then that makes them a young child! What an- "unusual"- definition of a young child.

Princessconsuelabananahammock9 · 07/02/2025 16:44

Scentedjasmin · 07/02/2025 16:17

I don't understand why he's not in school. He's clearly missing out on an education and social life. That can't help. He may well have issues, but I have to say that it does sound like your parenting style could be a contributory factor. Have you tried any parenting courses? Do he have any siblings? Where's his Dad? Do you also work? Is your mental health ok? Perhaps if he sees you sat at home all day and not going to work, he thinks that he can do the same. 12 is pretty young for a child to refuse to go to school, so something is definitely amiss.

How do you make a child go to school?

How do you physically make a child go to school?

PassingStranger · 07/02/2025 16:45

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:01

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

How awful for you Op. I'm sorry his dad dosent support you or any other male relatives.

Lightuptheroom · 07/02/2025 16:56

To all those questioning putting this young man back on a school roll.
I am NOT saying that OP will suddenly be able to get him into school. However, in order not to fall off the educational radar (which as OP is electively home educating at the moment is exactly what's happening) he must be back on roll at a school because that's the only way to access alternative provision. If he remains home educated, then the local authority have no liability to provide any type of education, so no access to tutoring, alternative provision, nothing.
The other way, which has been suggested is to apply for an EHCNA (the assessment before its decided whether an EHCP would be awarded) but there is no 'urgent' route for this (currently the wait is around 20 weeks for a local authority to decide to assess and in reality longer than that) and requires 2 terms of evidence from a school. OP can apply herself for this if she wishes to but its not a 'quick' fix.

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