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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Want my abusive violent son out!!

234 replies

Whatayear2023 · 07/02/2025 13:01

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

OP posts:
Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 15:15

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:12

CAHMS is if a child has mental health issues or neurodiversity. Everyone OP has spoken to has said her child is not neurodiverse.

Show quote history

What? I've just skimmed all OP's posts and she never said anything like that - she said she thinks he clearly has some kind of neurodivergent condition. He hasn't been assessed in any case! And how are you deciding that he doesn't have mental ill health?

Pinkflowerpower · 07/02/2025 15:15

Would he agree to a section 20?

Section 20 is a voluntary agreement between parents or guardians of a child and the local authority. This arrangement allows parents to place their child under the care of the local authority for a short, specified period, with the goal of ensuring the child's safety and well-being.

mazxim · 07/02/2025 15:15

OP,
Please look into ODD which stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
It overlaps with ADHD and some autism traits.

What Are The Signs & Symptoms of ODD?
Children with oppositional defiant disorder:

  • Lose their temper often
  • Are quick to argue with adults over rules, requests or even small, unimportant things
  • Are uncooperative
  • Are unwilling to follow rules
  • Annoy others deliberately and become annoyed by others easily
  • Blame others for their misconduct or mistakes
  • Are spiteful and vindictive
  • Get in frequent arguments with their peers
  • Are disciplined at school frequently

Please get your child assessed. With ODD it can develop into conduct disorder.
Your child needs to see a clinical pyschologist with cognitive therapy.

With ODD, it is exhausting for the parent. Please get your child to have an assessment.

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:16

ByWaryCrab · 07/02/2025 15:07

She’s not abandoning him she is surrendering him to the authorities who have let them both down. But I agree she needs crisis help with him.

Show quote history

If she dumped him at Social Services offices she would be legally abandoning him.
She needs to call the police every time he is violent, and ask Social Services to take him into care.

CowboyJoanna · 07/02/2025 15:16

This is probably not what you want to hear but you might have to phone the police on him for your and your other childrens safety

Some people are just bad apples and it sounds like your son is one Sad

Stay safe and strong Flowers

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:17

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 15:15

What? I've just skimmed all OP's posts and she never said anything like that - she said she thinks he clearly has some kind of neurodivergent condition. He hasn't been assessed in any case! And how are you deciding that he doesn't have mental ill health?

Show quote history

OP thinks he is neurodivergent. No other professionals do. Yes he may be, but it will take a very long time to even get an assessment if no one else supports what OP thinks.

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 15:18

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:17

OP thinks he is neurodivergent. No other professionals do. Yes he may be, but it will take a very long time to even get an assessment if no one else supports what OP thinks.

Show quote history

Where are you getting that from? OP doesn't say that.

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 15:19

CowboyJoanna · 07/02/2025 15:16

This is probably not what you want to hear but you might have to phone the police on him for your and your other childrens safety

Some people are just bad apples and it sounds like your son is one Sad

Stay safe and strong Flowers

Edited

No children are 'bad apples'. This is a disgusting comment.

x2boys · 07/02/2025 15:20

CowboyJoanna · 07/02/2025 15:16

This is probably not what you want to hear but you might have to phone the police on him for your and your other childrens safety

Some people are just bad apples and it sounds like your son is one Sad

Stay safe and strong Flowers

Edited

He's 13
I'm not disagreeing the Op needs help but to say he's a bad apple at 13 is awful.

Arran2024 · 07/02/2025 15:21

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Your best bet is to call the police next time he kicks off and harms anyone.

If they remove him, you can then refuse to have him home, citing danger to your other children. Social services won't care about you being harmed but they should care about the other children.

WorriedFfamily · 07/02/2025 15:23

x2boys · 07/02/2025 15:20

He's 13
I'm not disagreeing the Op needs help but to say he's a bad apple at 13 is awful.

Show quote history

Yeh, this isn't the kid's fault. He's had an absolutely chaotic upbringing. The OP demonstrated school is optional and not important to these kids and here we have the consequences. In time there will be complaints about the younger ones too, it's depressingly predictable

veggie50 · 07/02/2025 15:25

Startinganew32 · 07/02/2025 14:01

They do have a duty to accommodate a child in need and if the parent refuses to have the child at their house, the LA has to step in and can be judicially reviewed if they don’t. Section 20 Children Act 1989.

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Oh, OP, I feel so sad to read about this but I believe Startinganew32 is right, anyone under 16 will be accommodated if his parents absolutely refuse to have him. You need to play hard balls if you are to protect yourself and your other children.
Sending you love and strength!

Horriblevirusagain · 07/02/2025 15:27

Next time you are attacked call the police. Tell them you cannot have him at home anymore because of violence and hopefully they will take him to the social services. You have to shout loud and clear to get help these days. One day he will put you in hospital or worse so you need to get him out now!

Serenitestorm · 07/02/2025 15:33

What has happened today to make you write this?

Snowy7 · 07/02/2025 15:39

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 15:09

She needs the GP to refer to CAMHS. Why are you saying not to bother with them!?

Show quote history

It's foremost a safeguarding issue, and. pressing one. Cahms waiting lists are years long. she needs support for SS. You do not get that via Cahms but MASSH/police callouts. You clearly don't have much personal experience with the system.

MolluscMonday · 07/02/2025 15:39

tippytoesy · 07/02/2025 13:23

This is a really awful situation, and I can empathise.

My advice would be to raise the issue with Children's Social Care. I believe you can put in a referral online. State that you cannot keep him safe (the fact that he hurts you puts him at risk as well). State that you cannot meet his needs. State that his educational needs are not being met. If you have any other children, state that they are in danger of harm.

At your son's age, educational provision should be provided if home schooling is not working. There are other options, apart from home education. These include a PRU or a home tutor from the local authority.

If he has not already got an EHCP, you need to ask for an urgent assessment from the local authority with a view of having one put in place. Your son is not only missing out on education, but he is missing out on peer relationships, social contact and pastoral care.

Contact your GP and tell them the effect your son's behaviour is having on you. Contact the Family Rights Group, they have forums that can help you if you have or are likely to have intervention from social services.

Call the police - if he is assaulting you and/or causing damage in the home, this is a criminal offence. Police involvement could escalate the case.

I really feel for you. Your son is at a really difficult age and both he and you are being badly let down.

This is great advice.

Porcuporpoise · 07/02/2025 15:39

WorriedFfamily · 07/02/2025 15:23

Yeh, this isn't the kid's fault. He's had an absolutely chaotic upbringing. The OP demonstrated school is optional and not important to these kids and here we have the consequences. In time there will be complaints about the younger ones too, it's depressingly predictable

Show quote history

Unless you are privy to a lot of information that's not on this thread I have no idea how you can be so certain. I can think of several alternate explanations.

Apillthatmakesyousayalltherightstuff · 07/02/2025 15:42

RIPVPROG · 07/02/2025 14:33

There is so much inaccurate information on this thread. OP you need to call social care, if it helps write everything down first, at many incidents and patterns as you can remember, anything involving injuries to you or the other children, threats, damage to property, use of weapons, etc just because MASH assessed as further intervention not required once, it doesn't mean they will again, it could also be that the GP didn't include all of the relevant detail. Tell them you are unable to keep yourself, your other children and this one, safe. Also when he is violent you do need to call the police.

Sorry to hear this, OP. I think RIPVPROG's advice is great, please follow that. Even if you didn't have any other children you can't carry on like this, with your life in the hands of an out-of-control young man. Please take care of yourself and start the process. You can't live his life for him and if he keeps on with these choices he is too dangerous to have at home. 💐

WorriedFfamily · 07/02/2025 15:44

Porcuporpoise · 07/02/2025 15:39

Unless you are privy to a lot of information that's not on this thread I have no idea how you can be so certain. I can think of several alternate explanations.

Show quote history

I am privy to a lot of information. This is a well known poster but if you say that your posts get deleted for some reason

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:48

Arran2024 · 07/02/2025 15:21

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Your best bet is to call the police next time he kicks off and harms anyone.

If they remove him, you can then refuse to have him home, citing danger to your other children. Social services won't care about you being harmed but they should care about the other children.

Police will not remove a 13 year old unless he is using guns or knives

ExpensiveBiscuits · 07/02/2025 15:51

x2boys · 07/02/2025 15:00

It's not that simple though is it ,it's not about what you or I t
Should think should happen
There is a process to be followed.

Show quote history

Yes but in an emergency where life and limb is endangered, processes take a back seat.
The OP and her other child suffering physically being beaten up, is not a time to wait for due process.

There may be consequences for the Op if she kicks him out-just out if no other agency will pick him up. but one of those consequences will not be death for her or her other child.

Desperate times-desperate measures.

Glorybox2025 · 07/02/2025 15:53

Snowy7 · 07/02/2025 15:39

It's foremost a safeguarding issue, and. pressing one. Cahms waiting lists are years long. she needs support for SS. You do not get that via Cahms but MASSH/police callouts. You clearly don't have much personal experience with the system.

Show quote history

I'm a social worker! She's already been referred to MASH who have said doesn't meet threshold. Every time police are called they will refer to MASH so that might change with more referrals. I'm very aware that there are huge waiting lists for CAMHS but if you don't make a referral at all then you get nothing. I put upthread what OP needs to do, including GP referral to CAMHS, right to choose for ASC/ADHD, local authority SEN education dept and children's social care. ALL avenues need pursuing.

oakleaffy · 07/02/2025 15:54

CowboyJoanna · 07/02/2025 15:16

This is probably not what you want to hear but you might have to phone the police on him for your and your other childrens safety

Some people are just bad apples and it sounds like your son is one Sad

Stay safe and strong Flowers

Edited

Some can have serious mental health issues-Monty Roberts used to take troubled teens and with discipline, a purpose and hard work ( Ranch work)some turned into good young people.

PDA · 07/02/2025 15:54

Have you heard of Pathological Demand Avoidance? It’s a profile on the autism spectrum. A lot of what you’ve said sounds like PDA. If so he’s not a bad kid, he’s probably in burnout (basically a mental health crisis) due to unmet needs. Parenting PDA children requires a huge mindset shift because creating a low demand environment is what they need. Please have a look at the PDA Society website and At Peace Parents (Instagram and also a podcast) and see whether you think he fits the profile.

Arran2024 · 07/02/2025 15:55

JoyousGreyOrca · 07/02/2025 15:48

Police will not remove a 13 year old unless he is using guns or knives

Show quote history

Children aged between 10 and 17 can be arrested and taken to court if they commit a crime. They can def take him in for questioning. After that it's to do with social services.

I'm an adopter and I do know families with very violent children who have had to go down this route.

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