Want my abusive violent son out!!

[Whatayear2023]

I've had enough!!!
I have not one single person helping me!
My son is 13 almost 14.
He refused school 2 years ago. I am supposed to home school him but he won't do a thing just says no.
He's very violent towards me I don't go most weeks without a bruise
He lies about the most horrid things.
Anything I say he twists
Anything I ask him to do is met with a fook off pathetic fat pig.
He breaks Anything I have tells me it's shit anyway
Xmas day I got him stuff he opened.it and said to take it all back its all a load.of.shit despite it being things he asked for or needed
I have been to Dr's twice who made referrals and apparently each time it's call the family advice... when he was in primary a referral was done due to him attacking me.unprovoked and all these referrals are parental workshops.
I'm not being funny but when do they actually sort out the child instead of just saying oh you need parental course.
I've read.and tried so many different approaches over the years.nothing works.
He's not abused witnessed violence I don't drink use drugs and I've never brought a man home.
I want to walk out but can't ...

You can't just do this. Child abandonment is a crime.

You’re in such an impossible situation @Whatayear2023 , and it’s not fair on you or the other children. I’ve worked with children like your son and feel so sorry for the parents in your position. There’s next to no support available and no one really seems to know what to do with these children. All you can do is call the police every single time he’s violent towards you and ask for him to be removed from the home. They will have to involve social services and even though they may be reluctant to help at first (and by help I mean take him into care, as that’s all they can do), the more you report and basically make yourself a nuisance to them the more likely something will be done. So call the police every time he is violent or threatening towards you or anyone else. Police involvement and being removed from the home may be the scare he needs to see he’s not untouchable.

You will need to call social services and make a self-referral. You and your son need support this situation isn't fair for either of you. I'm sorry you've tried to get help and have been let down.

Nobody is ssying its impossible but its s not an easy process either .

OP - I can hear the desperation in your typing - I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Unfortunately, even if you got him a CAMHS assessment, or the GP agreed to do something, or someone else offered some assistance, it sounds like you are going to struggle to get him to engage if he's got to attend somewhere.

Will he even attend a GP appointment with you for example?

I'm sorry to say that the only way he's going to get any attention where he has literally no choice but to engage will be with police involvement. Whether that's as a result of you calling them, or him falling in with the wrong people and getting wrapped up in something else he shouldn't.

I agree with the posters who say that you need to call the police each and every time he turns violent.

Here's s20 of the Children Act that @Startinganew32 mentioned - https://www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1989/41/section/20

There are safeguarding concerns for your other children too in all this.

https://www.fostercareuk.co.uk/knowledge-centre/reasons-for-a-child-to-be-taken-into-care - there's a section on this page about "voluntarily putting a child into care" that says:

"On some occasions, parents may place their child into foster care voluntarily... voluntarily placing a child into foster care mainly occurs when parents cannot, or do not want to, care for the child any longer.

It should also be noted that children may need to be put into care due to their own actions, if their parents cannot take care of them or manage their behaviour anymore."

I know it's not a decision that any parent would take lightly, but you have a duty of care to your other children also and none of you should be living in fear in your own home.

I was responding to Glorybox first para where they did seem to be saying it wasn't possible. Nobody is saying it's an easy process.

No they didn't say that theu were being realistic .

He seems typical of this generation, wants respect but gives none back.
I would call the Police on him.

I didn't say it's impossible. Children/teens do end up in care of course. But people on MN often insist that it's your right to just hand your child over to the local authority and walk away. The reality is that there are steps that have to be taken before a LA will agree to accommodate a child and it certainly can't happen overnight. I've been the social worker sitting in the office until 10pm with a lonely sad teenager waiting for strangers to turn up and take them to a hotel because there is nowhere appropriate for them to go. There's a national shortage of care placements and it's literally impossible to place a teenager with aggressive behaviours in a residential home without significant time needed to find a placement and planning for a move. Usually takes at least 2 weeks for a move date and that's a very optimistic timescale.

Sorry this sounds awful, does he have an outlet for his aggression? Young men should be playing sports all day to tire themselves out and give them some purpose. Can you send him off to every sports club available and say if his attendance there is good he will get pocket money.

@Lightuptheroom

Put in an In Year Admission application and get him back in school, schools cannot 'off roll' pupils, it's illegal.

How do you suggest OP “gets him back in school”. He refuses to go. Is OP supposed to somehow physically drag him there?

If you’ve not had an oppositional child, you’ve no idea how difficult they are.

I said you can't just 'put your child in care' because you can't. You can ask for them to be accommodated and work through the process of assessment and engaging with support prior to that decision being made, and it might be the outcome, but lots of people think you can just drop your child off at the office and that's it. You can't.

OP it sounds like your son has been completely failed and as a result you and your other kids are now being put in danger. You should never have been pushed into feeling you had to home school him, it's extraordinarily clear that that was never going to be successful.

He is being completely failed by anyone who would state he couldn't be autistic when they haven't even met him. Unfortunately if you don't give the 'right' information (and who is supposed to know as a parent what that information is) then they will just say that he doesn't meet criteria. I would strongly suggest he doesn't meet criteria because you/he haven't been asked the right questions.

This is a 13 year old kid that has for years needed specialist help and not one fucker is interested in doing that, not school, not the NHS, not SS, not the police. Then we wonder how we end up with kids like Axel Rudakubana. It's because no one is interested in helping and parents are just left to try to deal with children that have been going more and more off the rails for years and years.

I'm really sorry OP, your whole family have been completely and utterly failed.

Has the OP actually said she's got younger children? She mentioned an older one.

So what's going on with him then @Whatayear2023? Children don't behave like this for no reason. When did the problems start? What triggered the school refusing? Where's his dad?

I sounds awful for you but also awful for him and he needs help whether he wants it or not.

Sorry op and sorry mumsnet for what i am going to say.
But if my son attacked me i would attack him back.
However Id scare him to the point id scare myself.
Come at me with a slap i send 2 right back.
Because not everyone is going to take his crap no matter what age he is or how big of a man he thinks he is.
Id kick him out end of and stand my ground and id let social workers know about it.
You wouldn't take it from any other adult so dont take it from a young man even if he is your child.
Op your not at fault here and your not horrible or awful.
Some have kids and they are raised with the best but still turn in to twats.

Oh and you are absolutely, absolutely NBU to think that there should be moresupport available to you.

I am so sorry they could not help you.
I have had some involvement with MARAC in a work capacity in the past and those they work with experience a terrifying level of violence. The MARAC I was involved with had so many cases that it only supported those experiencing serious violence. It may not be the same everywhere though.
MARAC does deal with child to parent violence though.

The four criteria for a referral to Marac are:

• visible high risk
• professional judgement
• potential escalation
• repeat referral

@Lyn348 In fairness no outside agency can help if OPs son refuses to engage with them. She has had youth workers at her house that her son refused to talk to.
Also this behaviour clearly did not come out of nowhere. That means either something happened to trigger this. Or there were issues when he was very young that OP ignored. We really do not have the full situation here.

There is so much inaccurate information on this thread. OP you need to call social care, if it helps write everything down first, at many incidents and patterns as you can remember, anything involving injuries to you or the other children, threats, damage to property, use of weapons, etc just because MASH assessed as further intervention not required once, it doesn't mean they will again, it could also be that the GP didn't include all of the relevant detail. Tell them you are unable to keep yourself, your other children and this one, safe. Also when he is violent you do need to call the police.

Currently I would focus on trying to break the habit and resetting things. Ask him to write down or tell you a list of things you do that upset or annoy him, tell him to be completely honest, that you won't get upset or angry. Then go through it with him, look for a way to avoid each situation.
Such as needing to shower, tell him to pick 2-3 days a week where he sets an alarm on his phone and he decides when to have them.
You telling him to do school work - have a conversation about whether it actually needs doing at this age. His mental health and behaviour is so severe it may be easier waiting until he's a bit older and doing maths/English gcses via college courses. (Or realistically there's access to that in prison too if this carries on)
Food - give him a budget each week, let him plan what he wants and cook it himself with the offer to have family meals if he wants.
Not spending enough time together- ask if he will show you how to play a video game he likes and see if you can bond a bit that way.

Currently the only real priority is improving his mental health and avoiding the violence. Everything else isn't worth a battle.
And give lots of reassurance about loving him, even if you're understandably not feeling that way currently. It's likely he's aware of the damage its caused to your relationship with him, and hurting children will generally lash out whether emotionally or physically.

If you've not voluntarily chosen to homeschool the local authority have got to find a way to sort alternative provision.

It's different if you have said you will homeschool as you've volunteered but if you've been forced into it you need to fight it.

Get social services involved.

In the light of damaging other children-and you of course-you cannot have a violent male living with you, especially as you suggest he is mentally ill.

I'd be inclined to just put him out-let the authorities shriek as they will. You cannot risk your life-let alone the lives of your other children.

You cannot and should not risk the lives of your other children in order to keep a home for him. What can they do if you refuse to have him in your home-they'll have to put him somewhere.

It's not ideal but if it comes down to choosing the life of your other children and yourself over providing a home for him-you really do have to choose the former.

If the police can get involved, that will be even better for the sake of any young women who might be tempted to be his girlfriend-at least they will know that he is a violent, dangerous thug.

It will be hard to wash your hands off him but I think that's what you are going to have to do,

Is your MP any good?

A child once came into my colleagues class with a note from his mum asking them to call social services as she could no longer cope with his behaviour (different but very bad) they picked him up at home time. I’m not saying do that, but it can be fast if there is an emergency. I think OP is the emergency here he’s hitting her and she can’t stop it /has no protection. Jmo