For stopping a man taking his daughter in swimming pool changing room?

[Anotsolittlemermaid]

I am a regular user but changed name for this as I’ve spoken to a few people about it so it could be outing. I apologise it’s quite a long post but couldn’t cut it much shorter as context is needed.

I have a monthly subscription to a gym with a swimming pool that’s part of a hotel, on a Wednesday there is women’s aqua aerobics from 7-8 then adult only time from 8pm till 10pm.

Yesterday evening I got to the pool at about 8.15 after aqua aerobics and there was a man who was just arriving at the pool with his young daughter who was about 4/5.

He was being quite annoying letting her disrupt people by jumping in where people were swimming, getting in the path of other swimmers, throwing floats used for aqua across the pool and he was picking her up and throwing her.
The little girl was shrieking and screaming and a few people gave annoyed looks over at him but he carried on getting in everyone’s way.

In the end after about 20 minutes a member of staff came over and asked the man to leave the pool as children’s hours had finished, he argued a bit saying he was trying to tire his daughter out so she would sleep but the staff member was firm and said there had been two sessions of children’s hours for 2 hours at a time earlier in the day that he had been welcome to use but people who wanted to swim properly deliberately avoided them and came later.

The women’s changing room was still busy after aqua and it was mostly women swimming in the pool who had stayed after aqua to continue swimming. The changing rooms are right next to the pool so you can hear when people are in them. The men’s seemed empty but the man and his daughter were also hotel guests so he could have wrapped a towel around her and gone back to the room. He had towels and a hotel robe for himself with him.

When he got out of the pool he put the robe on but took his daughter by the hand and walked towards the women’s changing room obviously intending to go in.

The changing room is open plan with only one cubicle, it had 8 showers, 4 are in cubicles but the other 4 are open, when I had undressed before swimming the changing room had been busy with lots of women using the showers and changing after aqua, there were obviously a few women still in there as I could hear chatting and the hairdryer going.

I had been swimming lengths at the edge of the pool opposite the changing room entrance so when I saw him heading to the women’s I called out to him “sorry but that’s the ladies and it’s busy, you can take your daughter to the men’s I’m sure it’s empty or can you not just put your towel around her and go to your room?”

The man glared at me and said he wasn’t taking his daughter into a room where men might be undressing and he had taken her into changing rooms before where no one had ever had a problem.

I said it was more likely they did have a problem but didn’t feel comfortable saying so, I was getting angry at this point so I said I’d go and get the member of staff to see what he said.

The man obviously knew the staff member wasn’t going to approve this and started ranting about how awful it was that first his daughter had been asked to leave the pool and now he couldn’t even get her dry and dressed again because of busy bodies sticking their oar in. Another women who was swimming and had overheard backed me up that it was completely inappropriate and no one over 8 is allowed in the opposite sex changing room. The man wasn’t happy but wrapped his daughter in the towel and took her his hotel room as I’d suggested. As he was wearing the robe I have no idea if he had planned to use the women’s changing room to shower and get changed himself or not.

I hate confrontation but the other women thanked me for saying something, I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.

I assumed most people would agree with me but my friend said I was completely out of order, she said the little girl was the one who was important and it was much safer and more appropriate for her to get changed in the ladies, she said most mums would be understanding about a father bringing his daughter in and could have got changed under a towel, when I mentioned he had also been in the pool and was possibly planning on getting undressed himself she said “well no one has to look if they don’t want to”
I didn’t want to keep discussing it with her as we had argued before years ago about her bringing her 11 year old son and nephews into ladies changing rooms and I realised she was the wrong person to mention it to.

I also mentioned it to DP and he said that I was right to stop the man going in the ladies but he equally feels uncomfortable when men bring their daughters in, he also swims and said the previous week a little girl had been running naked round the changing room whilst her dad was looking at his phone and he would never allow his daughter to do that as you just don’t know what other men are thinking.

There are no family changing rooms as it’s not really a kids pool with it being attached to a gym and it’s mainly set up for members comfort. The majority of people who bring kids are hotel guests who have rooms.

I don’t feel IABU really but after hearing my friend and DP’s opinion I just wondered what others thought about it. Was I wrong to suggest the man takes his daughter into the men’s changing room? On this occasion a cubicle was free but if it hadn’t been then do some people really think that women should be expected to get showered and undressed in front of a man when he could take her into the mens changing room?
I’m just interested in others thoughts.

There is also a disabled changing room but only one and in my opinion it’s wrong to take that over if you don’t have a disability.

She didn’t get him chucked out the pool. She never said anything. The hotel staff saw him with his kid during adult only time and told him to get out, because he shouldn’t have been there.

And no; he doesn’t get 5 minutes in the women’s. Women were using it. It isn’t for him. Doesn’t matter that he had his daughter. He cannot go in there.

You take your kid into the changing room with you. How do you think I managed as a single mum to 2 boys? I took them into the women’s when they were little and then sent them into the men’s when they were bigger. I didn’t march into the men’s changing room whilst men were naked and showering in their own space. So no, he doesn’t get 5 minutes in the women’s changing room with naked women.

It’s his fault that he didn’t go into the changing room he belongs in.

It was unkind of you to talk about the dad to the staff member,

@AnotherDayAnotherIdea oh yes, OP don't, whatever you do, BE UNKIND or you’ll go to hell 🔥 How ridiculous.

Unless he is newly arrived to planet earth, he surely knows that it is inappropriate for a man to go in to the women's changing room.

TBH i would have stayed out of it got on with what i went there for and leave others alone.
If id felt uncomfy id have have left.
Simple really.

Sometimes you have to stand up for yourselves and for others. Not just look the other way. Simple really.

Why should women leave an activity they have a right to be at because men are being selfish and inappropriate?

I think YABU. The little girl's comfort and safety is most important and I think he had the right instinct on this. I wouldn't want an 8 year old girl in a men's changing room, I think that's worse.

No, I stand by what I said. What is there to be gained from bitching about the man and his daughter with the staff member, apart from massaging one's own ego?

The woman inside that changing room didn’t know a man was about to barge in and may very well have been naked or semi-naked. They couldn’t see him coming, and couldn’t do anything about it. OP saw it and protected those women. She did exactly the right thing.
Simple really.

If it isn’t ok for one man to walk into a room of women in various states of undress, how is it ok for a little girl to undress in front of a room full of men?

I would have hit the roof if I’d found a man in the ladies changing room. This is a hill I’d be willing to die on. He had two other options- cubicle in men’s or back to his room.

No an 8 year old with her dad is not more important than the many women in the pool.

I HATE the attitude that kids always win - like the minute you turn 18 as a woman you’re a second class citizen.

Well he didn’t go in the ladies changing room so OP got the outcome she wanted

What do you mean, you’ve never heard that men can’t take girls into the women’s or the over 8’s rule? It’s pretty obvious men shouldn’t be in the women’s. The fact that certain women don’t know this to me means there’s been a lot of boundary pushing by males. It’s so obvious to me. But I’m the wrong side of 50. It simply wouldn’t have happened at any time last century or much more than a decade ago.

But then I wouldn’t want a random strange man in the women’s with me whilst I was getting dressed and sorted after or before swimming. It’s that simple and he should have known and respected that

Because she’s with her dad. You go in the facility that matches the sex of the adult. Thems the rules.

In case nobody's answered this yet:

OP - 'I spoke to the staff member when I’d finished my swim and he agreed that the man should have used the men’s changing room where there was a free cubicle. He said he’d been cheeky enough bringing his daughter during adult hours when he’d been told earlier he wouldn’t be allowed when he’d asked about it.'

Can you imagine 🤣🤣🤣 marching into the mens unapologetically, I'm sure they'd complain

What do you think would happen to the little girl in the men's when accompanied by her father? There was no safety issue.

What about the comfort and safety of the women (and potentially girls) in the women's? Why does one girls comfort override the comfort of all the other women and girls just because she is with her father?

What about the safety and comfort of any other girl changing in a girls changing room when a man walks in and sees them? You’re putting them into the exact situation that you’re saying is not acceptable.

The little girl would be perfectly safe with her dad whilst getting dried off and changed in the men’s. Or, he could do as a lot of parents do and just try them off and stick them in a onesie without having to take off their swimsuit or take them into any changing room. Then sort them at home/in the hotel room.

Those saying OP IBU - I assume you take your little boys to get changed in the men’s changing rooms?

He could have averted the girl’s eyes. The girl had her dad go provide her comfort and safety against any other males. No woman in the changing room had that and their comfort and safety would have been put at risk. Not so the little girl’s.

a) She wasn't 8, she was 4 or 5
b) There was no-one in the men's changing room, so no issue
c) little children have been in changing rooms with their parents from the time swimming pools were invented. It is what it is. You face them towards you and crack on with them getting dried and dressed.
d) If doing c is something you can't imagine doing, then you factor that into your decision to take them swimming in the first place. You do not 'presume' you can walk into a changing room that is clearly marked as for being for people of the opposite sex. Obviously.