AIBU to not pay for them?

[Trinity890]

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

The other thing that stands out from all this, which nobody else has even mentioned, is that no-one has actually thought about the birthday girl in all this! Why not change venues, dates, have pizza/burgers at home, Maccies or KFC?!
What if she's actually chosen the place she'd like to eat at, for her birthday and is now having it totally disrupted just to accommodate 2 people that weren't even going in the first place! Step siblings or not!
Another case of people not taking things into account when jumping in and putting forward stupid arguments!
Too quick to jump in and call the OP mean and not inclusive!

Lots of people saying 2, OP doesn't specify how many. Could be 2 or 4 or 17

@Vaxtable Going forward, I’d advise the OP to treat her granddaughter on her birthday and not her parents.

I treat my DD (19) to various things for her birthday and sometimes say that she can invite a friend.

Good point. As for people saying “Rearrange!” - presumably the date is picked because it’s the GD’s birthday.

I doubt OP will come back to clarify and I don’t blame her. Loads of plonkers boo-hooing on behalf on kids they don’t know and behaving like stepchildren have something missing from their lives that other random people are obliged to provide for them

Treat them what way? She’s happy for them to attend, but she shouldn’t have the suck up the costs of a couple of last minute guests.

They’re not her grandchildren, and they barely have a relationship with her. Given that their father was happy to arrange to go out to celebrate without them, this doesn’t seem to be a problem.

I feel sorry for the older children and for you, you have all been put in a situation not of your making, I think you paying for children and adults paying for themselves is a fair compromise

Good God how the other half live eh?

OP it is very rude of your son in law to invite extra people along, who the hell does that when someone else is paying ? Height of bad manners.
I'd tell your DD that your budget won't stretch to that so they either rearrange or pay for the extra kids.

Or he could just pay for his older children.

Well exactly. And when the older two are treated by their own grandparents is the smaller half sibling expected to be included in all of that too? What about Alexa and Bill, who have a child together, Alexa already having children with Colin and David, and Bill has kids with Eva and Fiona?

When adults choose to create these situations by having multiple "blended families" with half siblings and step siblings and children with multiple grandparents you cannot expect everyone to be delighted about suddenly having to accommodate extra children for occasions like birthdays or buy gifts for Christmas, especially when money is tight. And although you might be kidding yourself on that your blended family is happy and equal and everyone is just the same, you cannot demand that your extended family plays along.

People always seem to demand grandparents suddenly begin treating strangers like family, whilst forgetting that these kids already have two parents and (usually) two sets of grandparents!
If my DD married somebody with kids of course I'd be kind to them and pay a polite interest in their lives but I certainly wouldn't be a grandparent to them why on earth should I?! They will have their own sets of GDPs. If DD went on to have kids of her own with her DH then obviously I would buy the SC a token gift at Christmas so they're not left out but again, it wouldn't match the sentiment & generosity of my present/s for my GDC because.....they're not my GDC! How would it be fair to my GDC for the SC to get presents from both their sets of grandparents and from me, when my DGC just get presents from me and their one other set of grandparents?!

@JandamiHash That's my logic with DD. If I just take her, we can go somewhere nice; if I take the whole family, we’d have to be more price-conscious. A family meal and cake at home happens as well, of course.

Nowadays she likes a facial or a mani/pedi anyway and I can’t see DS being interested.

How would it be fair to my GDC for the SC to get presents from both their sets of grandparents and from me, when my DGC just get presents from me and their one other set of grandparents?!

Because according to all the people living in these situations trying to justify how well it works, your DGC should be getting gifts from their half siblings' grandparents too, because it's only fair.

This is rubbish.

If you can't afford to pay, that's that.

You didn't offer to take them out - they've been added on.

Just tell them you can't pay for everyone and if they complain, rearrange.

As others have said, you could also pay for the extra kids and not DD & her DH. Either way, same amount of people.

"Step siblings or not!"

@MoonWoman69, what nonsense you write. You do realise that these are siblings, half-siblings if you must.

Rubbish, it is nothing to do with the children, it was agreed that Gran would pay for daughter, Grandchild and SIL.
SIL and daughter decided to add the sil children, who OP stated she did not mind them coming, but not being rich she is worrying about paying for them. It's not about leaving out the step Grandchildren. What was originally agreed was changed and the payment for the two children should not come out of Grans pocket.
I say the above as someone with step Grandchildren who I buy presents for and who I have been to see.

But maybe that's a lot to the op?

If I were her daughter I would see that and offer to pay for them myself.

This is a great post, it makes some people feel uncomfortable because they probably realise that being part of a blended family not only involves them imposing random kids onto people but expecting others to magically have a loving bond for kids they otherwise wouldn’t give two hoots about and would never see again should the relationship end

Not at all unreasonable.

You basically offered to pay for a £200 meal amd it will now be more.

The options are they pay the extra or you reschedule or take ot off the table.

Except, wait...

The bottom line in all of these situations is two adults who have fucked up, making everyone help them pick up the pieces for the children caught in the middle. And before anyone comes at me, I'm not ascribing blame to the adults; I'm ascribing responsibility.

@Sapienza Oh, I do apologise. Another one that leaps on others to make themselves feel better eh? I think people actually knew what I meant, but thanks for your input!
Half siblings then, but it really makes no odds, it's still not OPs responsibility to pay for their meal! HTH

Yes I’m not sure why it makes a difference. Still no relation to the OP.

Another one-post wonder 🙄

On the off-chance that this is real and not just some attempt to goad posters about blended families, there’s still far too much information missing to make a judgement here. Have OP’s daughter and SIL simply announced they’re bringing the other children, without so much as a by your leave? Or have they asked OP if she’d mind them bringing the older children, and the OP is trying to work out what to say? Are the OP’s daughter and her husband likely to realise that this is a bit of an imposition - in which case they might actually offer to pay towards the meal on the day - or are they CFs who think “Great, now we can take all the kids out and good old mum can foot the bill”? Are the children very young and likely to feel genuinely left out if it’s obvious they’re not wanted, or are they early teens who would probably be doing anything else other than having lunch with their stepmom’s mother, and could barely pick OP out from a line-up?

How do you know? OP hasn’t even confirmed that her SIL is her grandchild’s father!

How many of your DD's stepchildren are there, and what age group are they?

Personally, I'd suggest you, DD and DGChild go minus the Son in law and the older children, possibly on a different date.

How many extra DC are there and how old are they?

A couple of extra kids meals won't be expensive, 4 x hungry teenagers having a three course adults meal will mean a big increase in the bill.

It's not unreasonable to re-arrange for another day if you wanted to be just the four of you.