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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for them?

287 replies

Trinity890 · 06/02/2025 14:26

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

OP posts:
bevm72yellow · 06/02/2025 20:05

Yes the father should pay for his older children as it will start a precedent if she pays for the step children then it will be expected on all occasions. He is pushing his luck. Give the money to the Mum for the four before the event and it will get you out of the situation. They can decide about any extras they want after that. And I would feel differently if you saw the step children on lots of occasions but the Dad is getting a benefit from you.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 06/02/2025 20:10

Can you not just have a quiet conversation with your dd and SIL in advance about it?

“I’m really sorry but I can’t afford to pay for that many people - can I just check that SIL is happy to pay for his kids, or I’ll cover all the children and you guys cover yourselves?”

SussexLass87 · 06/02/2025 21:36

10 pages and no reply from the OP...

Truth25 · 06/02/2025 21:39

I would arrange for a day they are not there. No you shouldn't be expected to pay for children who aren't your GC, very cheeky of them.

MikeRafone · 06/02/2025 21:59

FuckMeUpFlorida · 06/02/2025 18:17

It's family. Way to make the Step GC feel less than.

Show quote history

That’s the fathers fault

the grandmother has limited funds and asked the people she could afford to take, the father added in extra family members.

the grandparent isn’t taking aunts cousins etc, doesn’t make them feel “ less than”

it’s not a case of all or no one

Weepixie · 07/02/2025 04:09

Pay no attention OP. In the real world, nobody would ever expect you to pay for them

Thankfull not everyone thinks like you.

JMSA · 07/02/2025 04:27

How many extra children and how old? I wouldn't mind if children's menu prices, but would be annoyed if they were picking from the adult menu, as that would really bump up the cost.

PoppyRoseBucky · 07/02/2025 07:41

alwaysontheloo · 06/02/2025 18:37

This is so horrible. Why would you treat your step grandchildren like that OP? Would you want someone to treat your grandchildren in that way? Vile.

Vile? Get a grip.

So, let's say you arranged a meal for someone's birthday, agreed to pay for all the guests at the meal but then those guests start inviting more people that you hadn't budgeted for. Is it vile for you to refuse to pay for them as they weren't in the original budget?

I wish people like you would remove the fact that they're children and look at the real picture. OP's son in law has invited additional guests that OP was not prepared for and is expecting her to foot the bill.

Don't you find that cheeky? It's not like the step grandchildren were always in the plans to attend and the OP is singling them to not pay for them. They weren't in the plans! They've been added at a later date and OP had never agreed to pay for them.

The son in law is so cheeky to put OP in this situation. Any decent person would say, "Oh, my children are coming as well, but we'll foot the additional cost," not invite them and expect OP to pay. He's putting her in the position of looking like the bad guy if she says that she can't pay for them, isn't he? Rather than doing the right, decent thing and covering the cost of his children.

This isn't that difficult to comprehend and god, some of you people must be money bags if you can just afford to foot the bill for every guest that happens to show up.

PoppyRoseBucky · 07/02/2025 07:42

Weepixie · 07/02/2025 04:09

Pay no attention OP. In the real world, nobody would ever expect you to pay for them

Thankfull not everyone thinks like you.

Why should OP be expected to pay for them?

If you arranged a meal, agreed to cover the costs for the guests you'd invited and then those guests invited additional people, would you be happy to pay for them, too?

Janella · 07/02/2025 08:51

I don't think it's a big deal to say to your son in law beforehand remember I'm going to treat the four of you, so when the bill comes shall you and I sort it between us or do you want to pay for the whole thing and I'll transfer you the money for the 4/5 of us.
Occasionally in my family my MIL might be paying for some ppl but not all of us because e.g. one son and grandson spent the day decorating for her. No one is offended.

rookiemere · 07/02/2025 08:59

@Janella yes that might work in some families, but as you can read from the replies here some people are positively looking for reasons to be offended.
I would say the same thing but differently " Its great that Imogen and Robert are joining us, it will be nice to get to know them better. I had put aside £100 for the meal, but if there are 6 of us I am worried it will cost a lot more than that. Are you ok to pay the extra cost ?"

Nationsss · 07/02/2025 09:13

Reschedule OP.
Yanbu.

denhaag · 07/02/2025 09:14

SussexLass87 · 06/02/2025 21:36

10 pages and no reply from the OP...

I think it was posted just to start a bun fight.

FindusMakesPancakes · 07/02/2025 09:15

Why would ANY of the children know who is paying for the meal for any of them to feel less than, or singled out etc.? How the bill is split is a conversation between the adults, and none of them should be saying to the kids who has paid for who because it is none of their business.

Ponoka7 · 07/02/2025 09:26

Speak to your DD. Personally I'd pay for them. I'd do that for my GC's half siblings. They had step siblings at one point and if I sent sweets etc for my GC, they'd be sent for all children. If one of my DD's friends needed emergency childcare I'd say bring them and I'd cover it (if it wasn't offered by the parents). In RL I don't see the attitudes and penny pinching (unless skint), that is on here.

UpMyself · 07/02/2025 09:34

We don't know enough to decide. GDC might be something like 4 yrs old, and the older siblings 17, 16 and 15. Or the DGC might be 4, with the half-siblings 7 and 8.
The date might be the DGC's actual birthday or it might be the nearest weekend.

user1492757084 · 07/02/2025 09:46

Be prepared to pay for them this once.
Also be prepared to accept their father paying for his kids, should he offer..
And I like the option of you paying for all the kids and yourself and the other adults paying for themselves.

After the birthday, discuss in private with your daughter about your financial capacity.
It won't hurt her being aware of what is sustainable for you.

Paganpentacle · 07/02/2025 09:48

sprigatito · 06/02/2025 14:33

It's your decision, but if I were your DD or SIL we would be politely declining your invitation and celebrating as a family instead.

If you can't afford to pay for all of the children in the family, by all means explain that to your daughter and either cancel or ask to go halves (which would be embarrassing, because you should have thought this through before you made the offer). You don't get to divide their family into the deserving and the undeserving, and if your daughter is any sort of a decent person she won't even consider allowing you to.

You get to invite people you have a relationship with.
She barely sees them. They are not her GC.

SemperIdem · 07/02/2025 10:00

I find the emotion around “step grandchildren” so interesting. Perhaps because I was one. My step dad’s parents were always kind when my sibling and I saw them, gave gifts for Christmas/birthdays and so on. Attended my wedding. I was fond of them, them of me…but they weren’t my grandparents, I wasn’t their grandchild. I’ve no doubt that they gave their actual grandchildren mor, were rather more than simply “fond” of them etc.

It never came up as a direct conversation, because all the adults involved were emotionally intelligent enough to understand the relationship for what it was so didn’t try to make it something it was not. That is where tension arises.

”step grandchildren” aren’t being treated as lesser for not being treated identically as actual grandchildren, the relationship is different.

I think outright ignoring the existence of children is cruel and you do sometimes see that happen, but that isn’t what happened in my experience, it isn’t what the op has suggested here either.

Flopsythebunny · 07/02/2025 12:07

TeeBee · 06/02/2025 17:36

I would suggest going somewhere cheaper so that you could afford to pay for everyone. If they offer to cover the extra meals, great, if not...go for a cheaper meal so that nobody feels left out.

She's already said that she can afford it, she just doesn't see what she should

BrightonFrock · 07/02/2025 12:18

If you can't afford to pay for all of the children in the family, by all means explain that to your daughter and either cancel or ask to go halves (which would be embarrassing, because you should have thought this through before you made the offer).

You can’t think something through if you don’t know it’s going to happen. The stepchildren weren’t even supposed to be there that weekend.

BrightonFrock · 07/02/2025 12:20

Flopsythebunny · 07/02/2025 12:07

She's already said that she can afford it, she just doesn't see what she should

Show quote history

Where did you get that from? From this?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich

That doesn’t translate to “I can afford it but don’t want to pay” for me.

InterIgnis · 07/02/2025 12:45

Ponoka7 · 07/02/2025 09:26

Speak to your DD. Personally I'd pay for them. I'd do that for my GC's half siblings. They had step siblings at one point and if I sent sweets etc for my GC, they'd be sent for all children. If one of my DD's friends needed emergency childcare I'd say bring them and I'd cover it (if it wasn't offered by the parents). In RL I don't see the attitudes and penny pinching (unless skint), that is on here.

It depends on social circles. Anecdotally, based on what I’ve seen in both my personal and professional life, it’s been those with less that generally have the ‘no difference between step and biological children’ ethos. In wealthier families I have rarely, if ever, seen extended stepfamilies expect, or be expected to, pay for stepchildren or consider them grandchildren.

Considering that the DD and her husband were fine arranging it without them in the first place, and haven’t asked her to have a relationship with them beyond seeing them now and again, they don’t seem to have those expectations either. It may very well be that they’ve taken it as a given that they will cover the costs themselves.

StormingNorman · 07/02/2025 14:24

PoppyRoseBucky · 07/02/2025 07:41

Vile? Get a grip.

So, let's say you arranged a meal for someone's birthday, agreed to pay for all the guests at the meal but then those guests start inviting more people that you hadn't budgeted for. Is it vile for you to refuse to pay for them as they weren't in the original budget?

I wish people like you would remove the fact that they're children and look at the real picture. OP's son in law has invited additional guests that OP was not prepared for and is expecting her to foot the bill.

Don't you find that cheeky? It's not like the step grandchildren were always in the plans to attend and the OP is singling them to not pay for them. They weren't in the plans! They've been added at a later date and OP had never agreed to pay for them.

The son in law is so cheeky to put OP in this situation. Any decent person would say, "Oh, my children are coming as well, but we'll foot the additional cost," not invite them and expect OP to pay. He's putting her in the position of looking like the bad guy if she says that she can't pay for them, isn't he? Rather than doing the right, decent thing and covering the cost of his children.

This isn't that difficult to comprehend and god, some of you people must be money bags if you can just afford to foot the bill for every guest that happens to show up.

Show quote history

If I offered to take a family out to dinner and had a certain spend in mind, I would find a restaurant where my budget could accommodate everyone. If that means changing plans because more of the family are coming so be it.

OP has made a very generous offer but I would rather refuse her hospitality than let two children feel marginalised.

MoonWoman69 · 07/02/2025 15:17

@Flopsythebunny It would be really helpful if you properly read the OP and digested it, rather than interpreting it into your own little spin. She never once said she can afford it! She said she's not poor, but she's not rich either! How you interpreted that as being able to afford it, I've no idea! Lucky for you if you don't have to count every penny, but some people do! 🙄