AIBU to not pay for them?

[Trinity890]

It's my granddaughters birthday coming up and I offered to take GD, DD & her DH for a meal to celebrate.

My daughters husband has older DC who I rarely see, they were not due to be with them on this day (Saturday) but now are due to a change in their mum's plans.

I have no problem at all with them coming along, obviously. But AIBU to say whilst I'm happy to pay for DD, DH & DGD as originally planned, they will need to cover DHs older kids?

I'm not living in poverty but neither am I rich and I have next to no relationship with the older ones.

The SIL teenagers (hopefully) have two other sets of blood grandparents, so they're hardly missing out in life by not knowing the OP!
All the people saying it's mean, need to read the OP again! It doesn't sound like she has a problem with them going, just that she hardly knows them and hasn't budgeted for two extra! And why should she?! Plans have changed, OP didn't change them?
Some people will literally jump on any perceived tiny detail without actually taking in anything from the whole OP at all!
They see the words "step" anything and to do with money and it sets them off into a narrative that doesn't even exist! 🙄

Not sure what age the older children are, but if 18 or under I think you should be reticent about asking their parent to pay for them unless you truly cannot afford it. At any rate do not make any such suggestion in front of the children concerned (or calculate the cost split openly in front of them when the bill comes). We have had this sort of thing happen occasionally and just sucked up the cost of the step grandchildren although we rarely see them and don't really have any sort of relationship with them.

Why? Why can’t their father pay for them? OP did expect them coming and hasn’t approved paying for them

If I couldn't afford the extra people I would let the adults know that the plan is now pushing my finances and suggest a chippy Tea, KFC buckets, Maccies etc at home where you can have your own bottles of pop/tub of ice cream etc. It's more important to be a happy family group than to go somewhere more upmarket.

Yet another "they're forcing me to have feelings and obligations I don't have or want" blended family thread.

If money is tight, the people who should be paying for the step children are (1) their father (2) their mother, via pin money (3) the daughter (4) the MIL but then the DD and SIL pay for themselves.

If money isn't an object, OP would be cruel to make a point of not paying for these children.

Nothing will convince me that blended families are a good idea or successful for all concerned.

This is the thing - as someone who was a step child several times over, I had plenty of my own grandparents and didn’t need more. Frankly we all have doe eyed views of children coming and “being part of the family” but so few actually care or want to. Some are still getting their heads around them being Family Number 1 when mummy or daddy has found Family Number 2, that very few are eager to get new grandparents they have no natural bond with

This. It's perfectly reasonable to say that it's out of your budget. It also means that this won't reoccur without a discussion.

Split the bill - simplest
Rearrange but then you don't see your GD on her birthday
Move to a cheaper venue/activity

If however, this is more about not wanting to pay for them but being able to without much financial difficulty then pulling out will be obvious and rude.
Very rude though not to offer to cover the cost when advising you the weekend arrangements had changed assuming you'd told them it was your treat. So if there's form for taking the piss generally, I'd simply say things are tight.

Agree with this. I wouldn't have expected my mum to pay anything for my step children when I was with my ex. If they had been part of the initial invite that is different. No one should be adding in extra guests when someone else is footing the bill without offering to pay.

Wrong, OP. If you are taking a family out then you pay for the whole family. Anything else would just be rude.

Sounds very tight and you need to rearranged advising why so it does not happen again.

So how many relatives can the OP’s son in law just expect her to foot the bill for? What if he wants to bring his parents 4 siblings and a niece? The fAmiLy after all which means OP - NOT a family member - should pay for them right?

Also why can’t their dad pay for them?

It's family. Way to make the Step GC feel less than.

Not cheeky at all, its their sisters birthday meal

OP has said they’re welcome to come. Or is it only “feeling like family” if money is thrown at them?

Also why is it even assumed these kids WANT to feel like the OP’s family. No offence to OP but she’s just a random older woman they’ve met a few times, they have their own grandparents, I doubt they give a second thought to wether she considers them family

It would be at least an extra £ 50. I'm surprised at so many people dissmissing this as just a little extra. It wouldn't be to many people. Very rude to add extra people to a meal without immediately offering to pay for them.

Honestly, I think it's rude to add extra guests to a meal that you're not paying for without offering to cover the additional costs.

It's not the step grandchildren's fault, of course, and they should not be singled out or othered.

I think you have a few options here.

1. Pay for all as planned, if your budget stretches to it.

2. Reschedule for a day that they don't have the step grandchildren and pay as planned. However, there's a risk that this may result in them inviting the step grandchildren on this other rescheduled outing, too and it may be a bit awkward to kind of say, "Oh, I need to reschedule then because I can't/won't pay for step grandchildren."

3. Pay for the children, but not the adults. I think this is the best way forward. That way no kid feels singled out and the people who should be covering their costs are. That way you're not absorbing the additional costs of the guests, but just paying what you agreed originally.

But I'd never invite additional guests to a meal that someone else was paying for without offering to cover the additional expense. That is beyond cheeky.

I'm a Step mother and would never just pay for myself for dinner when my husband is paying for him and his kids meal. Neither has my DM done this for her step GC. This is so odd to me.

Feels like you're massively projecting here.

OP isn’t a stepmother though. It’s not a choice she made, she has no obligation beyond being pleasant to these kids

So if your mum arranged a meal just for you her your OH and your kids, and you had to bring your step kids along unplanned, would you just expect your mum to fork out for them?

Not at all. It’s highly unlikely these kids will seek a bond with OP. And it’s massive cheeky fuckery to invite anyone along to a treat someone else is paying for and not at least offer to pay for their part

@FuckMeUpFlorida What if you or your DM didn’t have that extra £50 spare? Does that mean that you’d never be able to treat a grandchild, because you couldn’t afford to treat everyone?

No, she was taking four people out for dinner. If they want to add extra people, they pay for them.

If you invited them then of course it would be lovely of you to pay if you're paying for the others.

But you didnt so you shouldnt feel obliged to pay. Their dad should pay.

They ARE less than.

They have their own 4 grandparents.

Way to make the DGC feel less than, eh, bestowing upon her step-siblings a 5th grandparent to spoil them on her birthday?

You only think this way (protecting step-children from feeling less than) because you feel a broken nuclear home is something to be compensated for. You're right, and I agree with that. But the people to do the compensating are the people who broke up their happy home. Their parents. Nobody else, not even the step-mother.