DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

And the cycle will continue if you continue to bend over backwards for him.

'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'.

Break the cycle.

Well, exactly. You could have flags and bunting from one end of the street to the other, fireworks starting at midnight, a hundred presents, a chef-cooked breakfast, lunch and dinner and a marching band at the bedroom door the moment he woke up - he would still moan and whine all day long.

Drop your end of the rope, stop trying to make it all better for him, you are wasting your time and you are not his therapist. Tell him what will happen next year - a present from you, some presents from the children, a takeaway and a cake. Pare back the whole thing. Your kids are going to learn to dread dad's birthday, it will become a misery-fest for the entire family. Whatever his issues are, he is a selfish and ungrateful husband and dad.

They aren't a big deal in my experience. People do something for milestone ones, but no big deal for 'ordinary' ones. A few cards. A present or two. Maybe arrange to meet friends for a drink at some point in the vague vicinity of the birthday, but that's really just a relabelled normal meetup with friends.

I am not jumping to neurodivergence on a whim, but this is VERY typical of autism, according to the many, many, support groups I’m in. The whole thing just jumped out at me - and it’s apparently common in adults too.

The behaviour is mind blowingly ridiculous but it does make me wonder?

Yes, this. If you can't leave him right now, at least start pulling back and disengaging. God, your poor kids.

Really? Because I would call social services for you allowing this to continue.

It’s your job to protect them, not letting it go so far that you are PROUD that they are calling out his abusive behaviour. They shouldn’t have to do that. Shame on you.

Interesting. I do think he might be autistic.

It's not good is it - All high days and holidays being ruined by a grown man who has never dealt with his issues?

How are family holidays? Has this behaviour escalated over time?

How is he as a husband and father when he isn't in one of these moods?

How old are the kids? You say they've pulled him up on it so they're obviously old enough to notice.

If it were me I'd be expecting him to undertake some serious and long term therapy to sort himself out. This would be last change saloon though.

I assume you aren't in a position to leave him?

Edited as I've just seen you have suspicions he might be autistic. In that case I'd be expecting him to seek a diagnosis and then look at therapy.

Being autistic is not an excuse for vile and emotionally abusive behaviour.

You were PROUD?! Of them witnessing their dad behaving like a selfish and abusive prick with absolutely no consideration of his children's feelings?!?!

Your kids are witnessing this behaviour at least twice a year (I'm not even going to go into your other posts) and you think this is ok?!

You posted last Fathers Day an almost identical post and yet here we are, 8 months down the line, with your poor children having to go through it all again. And then inevitably again in July....

Do you not realise how this is going to effect them as they get older?!

I would tell him that you made a lot of effort for his birthday.

If there is the slightest misbehaviour before or on the day next time, you are doing nothing and mean it.

This is OP’s other thread (I hope linking is allowed): https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5267519-husband-threatening-divorce-every-time-we-argue?reply=141955600

This man is horrible.

At this point op it’s not his birthday is it, he is abusive pure and simple, and your poor children are growing up around this.

How can you bare to be married to such a pathetic manchild?

I'm afraid you were his emotional punching ball. There's no excuse for that. He needs therapy sharpish and you need a proper break from him. Then at the end of that, assess whether there's any kind of future here.

Very controlling and manipulative behaviour from this man child. Nothing could ever be enough, and he clearly enjoys creating this scene and seeing you turn yourself inside out. You cannot control what he does/says, but you can control the way you respond to it.

Let him know you are utterly disgusted with the way he behaves, and distance yourself from him over the weeks ahead whilst you seriously consider your future with him. I would most definitely be showing him what “doing nothing for him” really looks like. Concentrate on you and your children.
Good to see you are raising appreciative children, who unfortunately have to witness their father’s pathetic behaviour.

This needs nipping in the bud.

I’d be tempted to cancel the buffet thing and/ or not attend.

I’d also be saying that since it caused so much disappointment on both sides this year it might be better if you just agree he has a budget of x and he can orchestrate his own birthday next year. You will do your own and the kids. Ditto Christmas and Father’s Day. Tell him if he wants people to do nice things for him he needs to show some manners at the very least.

Honestly though he sounds like a massive baby, I would find this very off putting if it’s a reflection of him generally.

It’s the build up that is apparently the worst, and that’s what screams out to me from the way you have described it. Everything needing to be ‘perfect’ and it comes across as utterly pathetic and infantile, like a child.

My advice would be to just say to him, now it’s over, it’s unhealthy for the level of stress you put everyone under on and around your birthday. Going forwards, let’s only mark the children’s birthdays. Then stick to it.

Disclaimer - ONLY if this behaviour is around just his birthday. If he has you like this all of the time, please just leave and get out.

Sounds lile my vile narcissistic mother
luckily husbands are easier to divorce than a first degree relative

Why didn't you go without him? Serve him right and teach a good lesson. He is not the centre of the universe.

Autistic, of course, poor him.
Fuck that.
I'm autistic and never behaved similarly, even as a toddler.
Masked to survive 😡

No no no no NO!!!!!

Please stop "diagnosing" these people!!! Do you not see how dangerous this is in itself?!

This man has threatened to urinate on his wife's clothes as "punishment". He has called her vile and rotten to the core. He is abusive and horrible to his children.

Autism or not, he is an abuser.

Fuck me
Op

What a dick your h is.

I'm glad the kids pulled him up on his shitty behaviour.

I would say to him now it's not his birthday that you are livid and embarrassed by the way he behaved and even his family asked what his problem was it was that embarrassing.

I would then tell him that's the last birthday you plan or do anything for for him and that if that's a deal breaker for him then he can frig off because I literally would not put up with that

I’d be asking family to contact him directly to ask why he was behaving like that. He’s trying to make you feel shit - what a f*ing arsehole.

Im not sure I could forgive that. How awful for you and your kids especially.

Having now read the other links etc.

Leave him, leave him, leave him.

Kind regards, from someone whose mum never did and as an adult has to live with the trauma it caused for the rest of her life.

(He is autistic, but it wasn’t just his birthday, it was all the time. And from the links posted, yours is too.)

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.