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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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AcrossthePond55 · 27/02/2025 15:50

@RainbowStriped

You made the decision that was right for you and you are at peace with it. That's the most important thing.

Hopefully WA will be able to help you get out sooner. I'd think you'd need to see a solicitor about getting him out?

RainbowStriped · 21/03/2025 11:45

Quick update - I recently wrote a letter of appeal stating my reasons for declining the offer. I also stated a number of other reasons (my mental health being very poor at the time of receiving the offer and my not feeling capable of making a decision that would be in my family’s best interests) I felt fear and paralysis when it came to making the right decision so I appealed.

Well miraculously I have just heard back off the council and they are giving me another chance/another offer. It’s honestly a bloody miracle! I really expected to lose all my points and be kicked off the list.

I’m very grateful that I’ve been given another chance to receive another offer. I’ll keep everyone updated. Thank you all. Now I need to decide if I keep that original area on the list or cross it off but have to wait a lot longer.

OP posts:
Bravemama · 21/03/2025 12:07

Very pleased for you! Just the other day I was thinking about you and hoped you were coping OK so it's lovely to hear this update :)

reelcat · 21/03/2025 12:41

I'm really pleased for you, I hope you get a house that works for you

AcrossthePond55 · 21/03/2025 13:17

@RainbowStriped

That's a great outcome!! I hope an offer comes through soon!

Hollietree · 21/03/2025 13:47

That’s great news. I hope a better house closer to your son’s school comes up 🙏🏼

Nationsss · 21/03/2025 17:55

Delighted for you OP.
What a great update.
In my experience with teens, they mostly love to be close to where the action is.

Where they can meet friends easily and go out.
The alternative is often a lot of driving for parents.
If you don't drive it could make normal socialising very difficult for you and your children without any easy solution.

Think about 3-5 years from now and what your childrens lives will be like.

My children have friends living far outside the city in the countryside.
Many have sold up large houses to return to the city so their children can enjoy normal independence.
It became a priority for them.
Wishing you well.

RainbowStriped · 21/03/2025 21:43

Thanks Nationsss. I think long term being nice and central as apposed to living rurally would have huge benefits especially as teen currently tells me how envious he is of me growing up in a city compared to him living in a country village with not much around. It’s not completely isolated , loads of new housing and schools/parks/nice walks but very little to occupy a teen!

It’s just the next 3/4 years I’d have to think about with him being able to get to school easily. There’s bus routes from the city, it wouldn’t be impossible but it would be more complex for him.

OP posts:
Semiramide · 21/03/2025 23:03

I think the boredom of being a teen in an isolated rural village must not be underestimated. I know whereof I speak... Especially if you don't have a car or the time/petrol money to ferry them around. Chances are the bus rides to school will help them become more independent and confident.

Nikki75 · 22/03/2025 13:31

RainbowStriped · 21/03/2025 11:45

Quick update - I recently wrote a letter of appeal stating my reasons for declining the offer. I also stated a number of other reasons (my mental health being very poor at the time of receiving the offer and my not feeling capable of making a decision that would be in my family’s best interests) I felt fear and paralysis when it came to making the right decision so I appealed.

Well miraculously I have just heard back off the council and they are giving me another chance/another offer. It’s honestly a bloody miracle! I really expected to lose all my points and be kicked off the list.

I’m very grateful that I’ve been given another chance to receive another offer. I’ll keep everyone updated. Thank you all. Now I need to decide if I keep that original area on the list or cross it off but have to wait a lot longer.

This is great news for you.
Anyone who has been in this situation knows the fear and uncertainty you face .
I'm letting you know you are brave and im rooting for you , collect every ounce of courage you have and keep walking forwards and away yo will get there x

AcrossthePond55 · 22/03/2025 17:09

RainbowStriped · 21/03/2025 21:43

Thanks Nationsss. I think long term being nice and central as apposed to living rurally would have huge benefits especially as teen currently tells me how envious he is of me growing up in a city compared to him living in a country village with not much around. It’s not completely isolated , loads of new housing and schools/parks/nice walks but very little to occupy a teen!

It’s just the next 3/4 years I’d have to think about with him being able to get to school easily. There’s bus routes from the city, it wouldn’t be impossible but it would be more complex for him.

If he is truly envious of your city upbringing then perhaps he wouldn't mind changing schools from the one in the country village he goes to now? Assuming of course, that the 'new' schools can provide what he needs.

It could mean being able to accept an offer that you'd have to turn down because the 'school commute' wasn't doable to his current school.

summernights24 · 04/04/2025 16:30

How’s it going OP?

RainbowStriped · 09/04/2025 09:43

summernights24 · 04/04/2025 16:30

How’s it going OP?

Hello, things are okay at the moment thanks. Just playing the waiting game right now. Heading to the housing office in the next few days to see where I am on the list. I will accept wherever is offered next and see it as a means to leave ex and get out. Then I can always swap to a better area etc.

I still have moments of sheer horror and panic at what I’m doing! Worried about the logistics of my teen as obviously ex will remain in the family home which is within walking distance to the comprehensive school. My youngest can be picked up from anywhere in my home town luckily. Obviously teen will prefer the family home where his friends are but I’m hoping he will also adjust to staying with me half of the time but due to his age I will be flexible too. I plan to sit him down and explain the situation when the time comes but I am concerned about the impact of my leaving will have on him. Things will be messy to begin with but I hope it’ll all work itself out eventually.

As I mentioned in earlier posts - some of the areas with the most properties are close to the town centre, beaches, cinemas and also his grandparents. So I’m really hoping he will eventually enjoy staying with me as he’s so attached to the family home.

OP posts:
ChemicalStatement · 17/04/2025 10:33

RainbowStriped · 09/04/2025 09:43

Hello, things are okay at the moment thanks. Just playing the waiting game right now. Heading to the housing office in the next few days to see where I am on the list. I will accept wherever is offered next and see it as a means to leave ex and get out. Then I can always swap to a better area etc.

I still have moments of sheer horror and panic at what I’m doing! Worried about the logistics of my teen as obviously ex will remain in the family home which is within walking distance to the comprehensive school. My youngest can be picked up from anywhere in my home town luckily. Obviously teen will prefer the family home where his friends are but I’m hoping he will also adjust to staying with me half of the time but due to his age I will be flexible too. I plan to sit him down and explain the situation when the time comes but I am concerned about the impact of my leaving will have on him. Things will be messy to begin with but I hope it’ll all work itself out eventually.

As I mentioned in earlier posts - some of the areas with the most properties are close to the town centre, beaches, cinemas and also his grandparents. So I’m really hoping he will eventually enjoy staying with me as he’s so attached to the family home.

All you can do is to be an alternate model to his father.
Most times children choose the healthy parent.

Just make sure you set your boundaries with him too.
Sometimes children take out their frustration on the safe parent, which may lead to lack of respect.

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