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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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Mummer123 · 06/02/2025 10:39

I’d book him an all day spa day or golf day or something from here on in so that you don’t have to deal with him on his birthday!

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:39

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:38

Not a wind up. I bloody wish I was making this up.

You're not making it up but unless you are taking active steps to get help you're letting it continue.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

Mummer123 · 06/02/2025 10:39

I’d book him an all day spa day or golf day or something from here on in so that you don’t have to deal with him on his birthday!

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

OP posts:
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 06/02/2025 10:41

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:38

Not a wind up. I bloody wish I was making this up.

Well, wow. I think he needs specialist help. I think you need to decide if you are happy in this relationship, and take it from there.

Felicityjoy · 06/02/2025 10:41

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:26

I was close to walking out. Honestly I was dreading that meal and just wanted the day to be over with. He said just now that he felt like me and the children were making fun of him/laughing at him calling him ungrateful. He sees absolutely no fault in how he behaved.

If he sees no fault in how he behaved, I’d show him this thread. Really. Reading the list of how immaturely and rudely he behaved, like a spoilt entitled child, might make him think a bit, and seeing the comments of everyone else might make him realise what his behaviour looks like to others.

But congratulations on having brought your children up to be decent human beings regardless!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:42

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:39

You're not making it up but unless you are taking active steps to get help you're letting it continue.

I’m quietly making plans(I have a small eff off fund) but I’m stuck in the meantime unfortunately.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:42

OP - are you WineGumm?

Who posted about the way he treated you last Fathers Day? When he called you vile and rotten and said he was going to urinate on your clothes?

I also remember your post about the argument you had when you were out with your children and how he was shouting at you in the middle of the street.

And the post where he made your son steal some Airbuds he found on the floor.

You also started a thread about making a plan to leave him due to his abuse and said you had contacted Women's Aid?

What's happened?! Why are you still there?! Your poor children are witnessing and involved in all of this.

You need to get them - and you - out. NOW.

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:32

The odd thing is that even though he’s got some bad memories surrounding his birthdays he still expects a lot of fuss/lots of presents etc. He still wants to celebrate it but is extremely difficult to deal with.

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

Felicityjoy · 06/02/2025 10:41

If he sees no fault in how he behaved, I’d show him this thread. Really. Reading the list of how immaturely and rudely he behaved, like a spoilt entitled child, might make him think a bit, and seeing the comments of everyone else might make him realise what his behaviour looks like to others.

But congratulations on having brought your children up to be decent human beings regardless!

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 06/02/2025 10:44

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

I think I'd be sitting him down in a month or so when his birthday is done and dusted, and telling him that it's clear he struggles with his birthdays for reasons that you cannot change, and that you think it would be best if from now on his birthday was a non-event and no attention was paid to it. You consider it necessary that he not be reminded of his own dad and how he himself is affected by his dad, and that ignoring his birthday from now on will make him happier in the long run. And stick to it!

I might also throw in that you refuse to be punished for the (mis)deeds of his father any more, when he inevitably has a strop about it.

Honestly, the amount of fuss paid to his birthday is completely mad, unless is was a 'big, ending in a zero' birthday! I think that's part of the problem, this over-celebrating for an adult birthday.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:44

didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care.

You need real help, not a spa day and a giggle.

More importantly your children need help, and you are responsible for seeing that they get that.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:45

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:42

I think you are misinterpreting his expectation. He seems to be in a cycle where he expects you to make a fuss/lots of pressie etc. but not in a good way, more like an excuse so he has a reason to shoot you down because in his head, it’s what he would like to do to his Dad, ‘throw it back in his face’ but I guess he never got to do that. He needs serious therapy.

The cycle is that he behaves badly in the days leading up to his birthday then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. I would never do that I always make a huge effort to make it special for him. I really do bend over backwards for him.

OP posts:
Mummer123 · 06/02/2025 10:45

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

Even better!! Phone off and relax and let him see what not doing anything for his birthday is really like. Sometimes it takes us to lose something to appreciate what we have and get a dose of reality. Maybe that’s exactly what your husband needs!

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 10:46

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:42

I’m quietly making plans(I have a small eff off fund) but I’m stuck in the meantime unfortunately.

Why are you enabling all this, though? Why are you buying presents and appeasing him? Are you frightened of him?

If not, your options aren’t just LTB or be a doormat. You can refuse to accept shitty behaviour and stand up for yourself. Or can’t you?

Gettingbysomehow · 06/02/2025 10:47

I'm so sorry OP this is pathetic behaviour from a grown man. Unfortunately my exH did this on his birthday and my birthday. And along with his other non adult behaviours I ended up divorcing him.
I think you will eventually end up doing this unless he sees a psychiatrist in the near future and sorts himself out.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:47

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

This is not their job. It is yours.

Seek some help in real life.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 06/02/2025 10:47

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:45

The cycle is that he behaves badly in the days leading up to his birthday then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. I would never do that I always make a huge effort to make it special for him. I really do bend over backwards for him.

I really do bend over backwards for him.

Why?

Redfred00 · 06/02/2025 10:47

He is estranged from his dad and that makes him feel sad and upset. I understand that. But, I think he really needs to consider what relationship his kids will want to have with him in adulthood if he ruins every Fathers Day and birthday. When they are adults will they care to make an effort if it get thrown back their faces. I certainly wouldn't bother my arse.

AlertCat · 06/02/2025 10:48

I HRTFT just OP posts. But- I think I would sit him down and say “look, it’s clear that nothing we do for your birthday will do anything other than make you angry (behave like a knob), so I won’t do anything at all in future and then you’ll really have something to complain about- win win, I don’t put myself out or spend any money and you get a genuine grievance to whinge about.”

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:48

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:40

No way! I’ll book myself in for an all day spa next year instead 😆

@RainbowStriped

Sorry but this is not funny. At all.

Last year you were asking for advice on how to leave your abusive husband and had contacted Women's Aid with a plan to get out. He was calling you horrendous names, threatening to throw stuff at you and piss on your clothes.

8 months on and you are posting jokey comments about leaving him to go for a spa day.

You are completely overlooking how serious it is and how dangerous this could end up being for you and your children if you don't leave.

I get that you probably don't want to face up to reality so think if you can make light-hearted comments about it, then you can brush off the seriousness of the situation. But you need to face it. Now. For your children's sake

Tipsyscripsy · 06/02/2025 10:49

Ok so OBVIOUSLY he acted absolutely horrendously and his behaviour is completely unacceptable.

BUT i also experienced this pattern of weird bad behaviour with my spouse around their birthday. I used to absolutely dread it because it always felt like I couldn’t get anything right. Many of their birthdays were spent with us both in tears, with me being told I was inconsiderate and them feeling in genuine pain. It made zero sense to me as I couldn’t give 2 shits about my birthday.

After a lot of introspection on their part along with some therapy it kind of unraveled that it was being caused by deep painful childhood trauma.

As they say - if it’s hysterical, it’s historical!

Is this behaviour of his generally out of character? If so, I would be inclined to believe that he is genuinely struggling.

HOWEVER that absolutely DOES NOT mean his behaviour and treatment of you is ok. He needs to address this behaviour in himself and figure out why he falls into this pattern.

With self-understanding and compassion, my spouse has moved beyond this behaviour and has the emotional resilience to cope with whatever transpires on the day.

Therapy needed id suggest, if you both want the marriage to continue healthily.

(obviously this is only relevant if it’s an otherwise happy marriage and there is no abuse happening)

MandyFriend · 06/02/2025 10:49

In the next few weeks, I suggest having a serious talk with him pointing out how his unreasonable behaviour was both upsetting and unnecessary. He needs to understand that just because it is his birthday, he doesn't get to behave like a spoilt man child. He needs to get counselling to unpick why he behaves like this on his special days and understand why it cannot continue. If he refuses to get help or to commit to behaving better in the future, give him what he really wants next birthday and totally ignore it is happening!

Grammarnut · 06/02/2025 10:50

Huh! All that for a birthday, as if he was a child? Is it a big 0? Late DH and I usually exchanged birthday cards (if late DH remembered) but bought each other presents (e.g. a sideboard, I collect them) during the year. Might have a meal out, might just go to pub. Honestly, you are married to a man-child. Tell him birthday treats are for children and buy him a birthday card next year, arrange nothing else. He's a spoilt ingrate.

Nodddy · 06/02/2025 10:50

How deeply unattractive. How old is he? A grown up acting like that awful spoilt princess on ITV. Ew.