Husband threatening divorce every time we argue

[RainbowStriped]

Not so much him threatening it -

For example we might squabble about something mundane. He will then say ‘Oh here she goes again! Are you going to threaten to divorce me again? Racking up a tally now are we? Going to kick me out are you? Here she goes again etc’

He has also said stuff like this in front of our children even though I beg him to wait until they are out of the house to discuss matters. They’ve heard everything unfortunately 😔

Years ago I had to tell him to leave (he stayed with his mum for a couple of weeks) after he treated us all terribly.

A few years after that I tried to end our marriage again, not in the middle of a fight but when everything was calm, told him how unhappy I was. Again he stayed with his Mum for a few weeks and then we decided to try and work on things.

Now whenever I might ask him to do something I’m either controlling everything he does or he brings up divorce every single time!

Seeking advice please. He did it this morning when I asked him to turn off his loud video as I was running around getting everything ready for school and the noise was making me feel stressed.

Fuck me when will people learn to put their kids first. They are witnesses verbal abuse- you aren’t happy and he’s obviously not happy. You’ve effectively (and quite rightly) asked him to leave twice now which he has done. Even though he is a dick I suppose he’s quite right to bring this up- even though he’s being a dick. Ask him to leave, don’t let him back, make your kids priority. Don’t kid yourself this current situation isn’t damaging them!

Look, what's worse? Living with this abusive arsehole forever and your kids seeing you tolerate the treatment and thinking its normal OR getting rid and, yes he will are out it's all your fault but you just say 'we weren't happy together, it wasn't fair on the kids so yes I called time, should have done it years ago'. Hard to argue with that. Abusers like to hold your reputation over your head as a threat. But realistically most people know if a woman leaves a man, its not without good reason. So all he's doing with a 'woe is me' act us making people think 'wonder how shit of a husband he was?'. Get rid. Perminantly.

Does that matter? If/when you eventually break up, regardless of who instigated or who was at fault, he will always paint you as the bad guy. Even good people fudge breakup stories sometimes to paint themselves in a better light.

Your kids are watching you and soaking all of this up as a blueprint for how to live their adult lives.

Can you leave him? Do you want to? He won’t change, so you have to decide if this is how you are happy to live until you or he dies.

Yeah I'm sorry OP but the title of your thread says your husband threatens divorce every time you argue but actually you're the one who has threatened it? And he just throws it back at you?

Anyway, regardless, you need to end this toxic and unhealthy relationship.

You didn't want to break the family up. I'm sincerely hoping that you are coming to realise that you have to do just that.

He is horribly abusive and this 'family' has an utterly toxic dynamic. Please now consider ending this awful relationship - for the sake of your children as well as yourself. By treating you in the way he does when the children are present to hear and see everything, he is abusing the children as well as abusing you.

It sounds like you have given him multiple chances but your marriage isn't working. He is very unreasonable to deliberately argue in front of DC which will make them insecure. If you've had enough of him tell him that you want a divorce because he is too difficult to live with.

I’ve just come from your other thread. Seriously, why are you tolerating all this?

Please leave this man - I have also read your other threads. Your children should not have to witness his pathetic behaviour and kindly you should not have to put up with it either. I know you say you have a plan but please get to a solicitor asap and get your legal advice sorted. You need to go sooner rather than later!

If it is autism (or maybe even if it isn't) it's never going to change, so you have to decide can you live with his behaviour or would you rather not.

Just divorce him and be done with it. He's horrible. He's horrible in this post. He's horrible in your other posts. @RainbowStriped you can't polish a turd.

In my house I can tell you that my dh wld not be watching a video during a busy time - and if I did ask him to turn it off he would. it would be absolutely unacceptable if either of us told the other to piss off.

I dont mean this smugly (We argue as any couple do) but just trying to show what it would be like if he was not being dysfunctional.

Oh ffs, call his bluff and do it. This situation is terrible for you and even worse for your children. Who cares if he paints you as the bad guy - anyone who buys into that can FO with him op. Just do it - you’ll all be happier.

If it makes it easier write it all down and then discuss it with him. Plenty of people blame the other spouse for a divorce. I am not sure I would be worried about what people/say think. You clearly have been there to see it all, as have your kids. A life of misery or divorce seems the choice, although I think it might be an easy one to take.

Never ever be afraid to be painted as the bad guy.

Better that than living the life you have now.

I grew up with my parents arguing and I remember hiding in a camp I had made near our house because I didnt want to hear the arguments.

Your kids not only hear it, but they feel it in the sense that it will really affect them in later life if it hasnt already.

Go on, be that bad guy and wear that title with pride - if it means you leaving this idiot.

Dont worry about splitting up your family, just focus on getting your kids away from such an abusive and toxic man.

The impact on your children of staying must fill you with more dread?

The next time he threatens you with divorce when you're arguing, say to him "Ok - you win - provide me with the name of your solicitor so that when I get a solicitor they can discuss things and we'll divorce"

Take the wind out of his sails a bit.

Ask yourself op will the dc resent you for splitting up with an abuser or resent you for making them live with him. .
Leaving a marriage as awful as yours isn't the worst thing you dc will go through.. They are already living in a nightmare..

I would do this, if the trash is offering to take itself out you should let the trash carry on.
Just say sounds good let's go for it, big smile, leave the room, carry on with your day.

Easy. Here's how you respond. Very calmly and very clearly and at a volume so that everyone is in no doubt what you're saying you say "No, I didn't say that. Are you saying that's what you want as you keep saying the same thing?" Next time on repeat.

Just throw his own words back at him. Don't accept it. You didn't say it, he did. Make sure he and dcs know this.

He's trying to train you not to argue or disagree with him - ideally, your attitude should be Anything For A Quiet Life. And you'll never have a quiet life until you learn the lesson he's teaching you.

It's time to officially end it. It's been dead for a long time by the sound of it.

Stop trying to address the behaviour. He's just enjoying your distress at this point.

Do it for your children's sake if you won't do it for yours.

You'll find yourself standing taller and breathing easier once he's gone for good. The problems you'll face will all be problems you can do something about.

You need to stop feeling the need to control what he chooses to do. None of that matters.

It does not matter what he says or who he says it to.

You need to completely disengage - this means stop hoping for closure, for an apology, for an explanation.

Don't wait for "next time".
Take the wheel this week.

Go to a solicitor, bringing with you all documentation of income, mortgage, lease agreement, and other finances - the debts and assets of the relationship. Do not tell him what you're doing.

Find out from the solicitor what rights you and the children have to the family home and what child supoort he would pay in various different levels of contact. Start looking for somewhere else for you and the children to live if you won't be able to stay in the current family home.