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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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bellsend · 06/02/2025 09:37

What a massive arsehole. Id have told him to fuck right off at the whole breakfast thing.

Snoopydroopy · 06/02/2025 09:38

What? This is awful. Sorry was it a very big birthday, not sure you said. Even if so total child. If not, why the big fuss... seems a lot he's expecting for a grown up. Narcissist. And I don't throw that around often at all!!!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

Berlinlover · 06/02/2025 09:35

I find it hard to believe this is real, although I know from reading Mumsnet that adult birthdays are a much bigger deal in the UK than they are here in Ireland. If it is real your husband sounds like a fruitcake.

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

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Daisyvodka · 06/02/2025 09:38

I'm sorry, but no trauma in the world can excuse this. If he had sat there silently fuming, that would be one thing - it would still be unacceptable, but that would be one thing. But he went out of his way to make you feel like shit, all day, repeatedly. Don't say he's great the rest of the time because decent people simply don't behave like this when they are feeling bad - they might lash out once, or say things carelessly, but he willingly and repeatedly had a go at you all day. No excuse. None. There is just no excuse to treat your partner like this, no matter how much stress you are under or how rare it is, it's just not the actions of someone who loves and respects you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And in front of the kids as well, what a horrible man!

wizzywig · 06/02/2025 09:39

Well I'd decorate the front door with a 'welcome home from work' banner. See if shein/ temu have a neon light with the same message. Can you order a daily marching band for when he comes home from work? Buy a red carpet and roll it out for his majesty. I'd do the red carpet for a laugh. Dont let him get out of the car til you roll it out.

Snoopydroopy · 06/02/2025 09:39

You need to tell him to go feck himself. Even after the event. How dare he!

Onlycoffee · 06/02/2025 09:40

BeSharpBee · 06/02/2025 09:35

If you're still together next year, give him his wish. Do fuck all for his birthday so he can really enjoy his shitty attitude.

Agree. Op might as well save herself all her trouble and money and do nothing because I can't see how his behaviour could actually be much worse!

If he has issues around his birthday then he needs to get therapy because it's not fair on him taking it out on you and those around him.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:40

Snoopydroopy · 06/02/2025 09:38

What? This is awful. Sorry was it a very big birthday, not sure you said. Even if so total child. If not, why the big fuss... seems a lot he's expecting for a grown up. Narcissist. And I don't throw that around often at all!!!

It was a big birthday, I love birthdays too and like to make a big fuss. He is very blessed to have me, our children and family make so much effort for him. Even our kids were saying how ungrateful their Dad was.

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Dollshousedolly · 06/02/2025 09:40

I would tell your DH now that going forward, you are not doing anything for his birthday other than a cake and a card after normal everyday dinner. That you do not deserve to be treated the way he has treated you and maybe he’d consider going away by himself the day before and the day of his birthday going forward.

MissUltraViolet · 06/02/2025 09:40

My spoilt teen DD would behave better than that even if I didn’t get her one thing for her birthday.

He's a giant fucking man baby and that’s just given me the ick. How on earth do you cope with that? I’d be so embarrassed.

Threewheeler1 · 06/02/2025 09:40

Oh my word...
You are a bloody saint.
What an absolute brat.
My Dad died on my birthday but I don't behave like an entitled tit!
He'd have you jumping through flaming hoops whilst wrestling a polar bear and it still wouldn't be enough.
Bit lost for words at this grown man...

theressomanytinafeysicouldbe · 06/02/2025 09:41

How old is your man child. Was it a significant birthday?

Onlycoffee · 06/02/2025 09:42

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

You need to draw a line under it now. Tell him this is the absolute last time you're accepting his abusive behaviour, he needs to get help for his issues.

poppymango · 06/02/2025 09:42

Are you married to Dudley Dursley?

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:42

Daisyvodka · 06/02/2025 09:38

I'm sorry, but no trauma in the world can excuse this. If he had sat there silently fuming, that would be one thing - it would still be unacceptable, but that would be one thing. But he went out of his way to make you feel like shit, all day, repeatedly. Don't say he's great the rest of the time because decent people simply don't behave like this when they are feeling bad - they might lash out once, or say things carelessly, but he willingly and repeatedly had a go at you all day. No excuse. None. There is just no excuse to treat your partner like this, no matter how much stress you are under or how rare it is, it's just not the actions of someone who loves and respects you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. And in front of the kids as well, what a horrible man!

I was really embarrassed at the meal, it was so awkward and we’d made an effort on the table with balloons and banners. He looked like the table was covered in shit! (Sorry)

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Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:43

poppymango · 06/02/2025 09:42

Are you married to Dudley Dursley?

Ha ha possibly 😆

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TheCatterall · 06/02/2025 09:43

@RainbowStriped he needs to deal with this through counselling or therapy. It’s unacceptable to keep doing it and expect everyone to deal with it.

he either seeks help or his birthday is cancelled each year due to how he reacts/behaves?

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 09:43

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 09:43

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Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:44

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

I’ll wish you a happy birthday 🥳, I hope you’re ok.

MomBruh · 06/02/2025 09:44

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

How did you address the father's day behaviour (sorry, didn't read the thread)?

Did you let him know how he made you feel on that occasion?

AgnesX · 06/02/2025 09:44

I'd be telling him that this year was the last time any effort was being made as he's an ungrateful wee shite.

You'd think that his kids calling him out on his behaviour might have shamed him into a bit of gratitude.

Biffbaff · 06/02/2025 09:44

It was all bad, but getting upset about there not being a banner on the front door is absolutely ridiculous.

Were/Are you able to have a conversation with him about how out of order his behaviour was?

I agree that he needs therapy.

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 09:44

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