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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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OneTwinklyPlumBeaker · 06/02/2025 11:00

Is he 6?

Crunchymum · 06/02/2025 11:00

I just saw the other thread.

Jeez @RainbowStriped this was just over a week ago.

And now birthday-gate.

Send him back to his mums for good. Model to your children that they don't have to put up with this shit. Protect them from this emotionally abusive man.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:00

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:53

Interesting. I do think he might be autistic.

For Fucks Sake.

We'll see you back again Fathers Day 2025 OP.

My previous posts were sympathetic but honestly I give up.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:01

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

I am posting a lot, I apologise. It’s my only form of support and advice at the moment until I break free.

OP posts:
MsPavlichenko · 06/02/2025 11:01

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:43

I was proud of them for seeing how awful their father’s behaviour was and for calling him out on it.

Yes, it’s good they saw it for what it was. But you know it’s still damaging them, and you tolerating it will suggest that it’s acceptable in relationships. Who knows how that will play out for them in the future. It might be their partners on here twenty years on.

Don’t kid yourself it is ok as he only does it a few times a year. It’s not. Abuse is abuse however seldom it happens. You presumably would not accept this from your DC, I have no idea why you are from him. You’ve normalised completely unacceptable behaviour, and every day you stay it damages you all.

Please look up the Freedom Programme, and do it, it should be taught in schools in my opinion.

PennyApril54 · 06/02/2025 11:01

I think you need to have a serious chat with him about how he is on his birthday and the impact this so called 'black hole' is having and will continue to have on his family.
Ok so his dad doesn't bother with him, that's a shame but also the case for many people, and it sounds like he has a lot of people who care and celebrate him so why is he letting that one negative relationship set the tone of the day? He needs to get a grip.
His own children will remember how he sulked on his birthdays and made everyone feel shit for a problem that none of them had caused. To use a mumsnet expression 'he needs to give his head a wobble '.

Devilsmommy · 06/02/2025 11:02

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:00

For Fucks Sake.

We'll see you back again Fathers Day 2025 OP.

My previous posts were sympathetic but honestly I give up.

Don't apologise for posting, that's what it's for. But really, you do need to protect your children from this arsehole

TheThreeCheesesOfTheApocalypse44 · 06/02/2025 11:02

More fool you and everyone else for pandering to it.

I'd be booking a hotel and taking myself off somewhere. The only thing he'd have got off me was a note telling him I wasn't there because he uses his birthday to act like a dickhead each year and this year he'd have to do it alone. People pull stunts like this because they get away with it.

Burntt · 06/02/2025 11:02

Re autistic. Maybe he is but that's no excuse. Perhaps excusable if he hasn't been told the impact he has on others but once that is explained he can't use autism as an excuse.

I'm autistic and I absolutely hate autism being used as an excuse to treat others badly. Yes things may be harder with autism but that doesn't make a person abusive in itself

ChristmasPudd1990 · 06/02/2025 11:03

What a child 🙄🤨😌

Nottodaythankyou123 · 06/02/2025 11:03

Justalittlehandhold · 06/02/2025 09:35

Make sure next birthday of his, you’re separated.

I don’t think I’ve ever read of an adult acting so unbelievably ungrateful or rude.

This. Not usually a fan of LTB but my god what awful behaviour from a supposedly grown man. It’s modelling terrible behaviour for your kids and is so incredibly unappealing. I cringed reading it.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:01

I am posting a lot, I apologise. It’s my only form of support and advice at the moment until I break free.

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

StandFirm · 06/02/2025 11:03

Just saw the other posts and need to amend my previous post. There is no healthy future with this guy.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:03

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:58

No no no no NO!!!!!

Please stop "diagnosing" these people!!! Do you not see how dangerous this is in itself?!

This man has threatened to urinate on his wife's clothes as "punishment". He has called her vile and rotten to the core. He is abusive and horrible to his children.

Autism or not, he is an abuser.

Please see later post after more was posted and I realised it was not just a one off linked to his birthday!

I am unfortunately well aware that it’s abuse.

The original post really screamed out that it was specific to birthday and the behaviour does scream autism. OP confirmed she suspects he’s autistic.

The rest, yes it’s just abuse. This isn’t about a birthday. My original comment was related to what seemed to be an isolated set of very strange, anxious behaviour around a particular event (his birthday). I didn’t realise the OP has posted reams of other posts and is keeping her children in an abusive home with an abusive person. I just thought her husband was being really, really weirdly about his birthday.

Sneezeless · 06/02/2025 11:05

From your previous threads about him why are you still with this abusive cunt?

eremition · 06/02/2025 11:05

Abuser and autistic. The only thing they have in common is that both start with an A.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:07

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:03

But there is no support or advice anyone can offer if you choose to stay. You know that right?

Everyone is saying (on this and all your previous posts) that you need to get out. You have contacted Womens Aid. You know you are being abused. And your children are too.

What else can we say?!?!

You are all offering excellent advice, I am grateful and I’m sorry if I’m repeating myself and over-posting. It helps to have a record of his bad behaviour too and it does make me feel less alone whilst I wait to leave.

OP posts:
eremition · 06/02/2025 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:08

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:00

Right now I am stuck unfortunately. I have no where to go. It could well be another year until I’m able to leave for good. If I had somewhere to go I would leave much sooner.

You can leave.

Your kids’ lives will be better for it.

I was raised in a situation like this because it was believed that a nice home and a ‘stable family’ was better than being raised by a single parent with little money.

Trust me, it was not.

Your children will hate you. Not right now, when they’re kids in survival mode. Maybe not when they’re 18/19/20. But my god, when they have their own children and think to themselves that they’d do anything to protect them etc….it will dawn on them that that’s something that nobody ever did for them.

I am speaking from experience.

Redfred00 · 06/02/2025 11:09

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

@RainbowStriped you need to get out. Go into a refuge. It will be shit but less shit than living with this wanker.

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:10

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

If he’s your husband, you get yourself to a solicitor TODAY.

They will make an ex parte application for a non molestation order (so he can’t contact you) and an occupation order (stopping him coming to the house).

In a few weeks he will get a chance to defend it, but in the interim, if you and your kids have been subjected to abuse, it should be granted.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? If the answer is no then you have absolutely no clue how difficult it can be to finally break free especially when coercive control and emotional abuse are involved. Honestly I would walk out right now if I had anywhere to go but I don’t and he won’t leave either.

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 11:10

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 11:05

I am planning to leave, I have nowhere to go until I’m offered a property. For the time being I’m stuck.

Sorry but as others are saying, you are just making excuses. You will be rehoused (albeit maybe temporarily to begin with) if you are being abused.

GCAcademic · 06/02/2025 11:10

Nina1013 · 06/02/2025 11:08

You can leave.

Your kids’ lives will be better for it.

I was raised in a situation like this because it was believed that a nice home and a ‘stable family’ was better than being raised by a single parent with little money.

Trust me, it was not.

Your children will hate you. Not right now, when they’re kids in survival mode. Maybe not when they’re 18/19/20. But my god, when they have their own children and think to themselves that they’d do anything to protect them etc….it will dawn on them that that’s something that nobody ever did for them.

I am speaking from experience.

100%. That was my childhood too.