DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

I would be taking the house and running towards it. I really would

You have been handed an opportunity where many would be stuck. It's not ideal. It's not perfect, but it's a chink of light and a ticket to freedom.

I expect that once you have spent some time making it a home (like I said, look at some of the amazing makeovers on Instagram of the GROTTIEST council houses - all done really cheaply) it will be a sanctuary for you and I would warrant that being much closer to town, you will see your teen far more than you think you will. Do his bedroom 'just so' and watch him slowly start to spend more and more time in there....

The rough area might wear you down a bit, but once you shut your door, you shut it out. And if it really starts to encroach down the line you can request a move.

Hankering afrer a shiny, cosy new build is understandable, but the only one you have access to contains a nasty, toxic man-baby, so right now - that isn't an option. Down the line, a DIFFERENT one might be.

Sorry can I just check.

Have you been offered this property following a homelessness application due to Domestic abuse?

Can you list the reasons for unsuitability.

In respect of where you are now what is your own Housing associations policy on domestic abuse. Is there reference to it in your tenancy. Sometimes it comes within ASB or vulnerable customer policy. It’s seems like they are suggesting non molesation/occupation order route which they won’t get involved with.

I know many people that live on sloping properties. Every single one of them has a trampoline, 2 of them the yard has a very noticeable slope - so I really don't know why you can't have a trampoline there unless the yard is basically vertical. Seeing the picture of the prospective yard there is no slope at all visible, so even better.

Yes, I have been offered this property following a homeless application due to DA.

The reasons I first thought it unsuitable -

How far it is from my son’s comprehensive school (9 miles) He would need to leave early in the morning (7.25) to get a bus on the nights he stays with me. Not impossible I know but far away from his school, friends and whole community. Nearer to cinemas, swimming pools and much more than there is in our village. I don’t drive so driving him or picking him up is not an option.

Garden - Multiple gaps where my youngest could squeeze though and escape!

House - no wet room, small compared to what we have now. Nothing wrong with the bath but youngest is a reluctant bather! 🛁

A much much older property which I would worry that it would be hard to heat and expensive but on paper I know my reasons are not enough for them to offer something else - everything else it has like 3 bedrooms, living room is fine, kitchen, access to a garden etc. Definitely concerned about dealing with issues such as mould, damp etc but I couldn’t see any obvious issues. I’ve lived in old buildings/flats before with mould/mice etc, didn’t want to go down that road again!

I don’t think my concerns are enough really to warrant an appeal.

I know that I could also put my own stamp on it and make it nice if I definitely move in.

I know it's complicated, but as the child of a mother who chose to stay, please leave. Please. I am 40 and the mental health issues (cPTSD, anxiety, depression, addiction) that I have from childhood have impacted my entire life.

You are strong and you have the chance for a good, stable future for you and the children. You can make the house a loving home for you all, you can do it. I would grasp it with both hands.

Why don't you drive? Can you take lessons and get your licence? That would solve your problem.

@RainbowStriped - if you accepted the house, would you be able to look for a swap to a house nearer your son's school?

I suspect that, once you are in the house, and out of the toxic atmosphere your 'd'h is creating at home now, you would begin to feel a lot better, and a lot more able to cope with sorting out the things that need to be sorted at the new house.

You are so strong - and I think you are so much stronger than you think you are!

To address your concerns - none of which I think warrant staying in your current situation:

How far it is from my son’s comprehensive school (9 miles) He would need to leave early in the morning (7.25) to get a bus on the nights he stays with me.
That is not an unusual time for many to leave for school.
Also: Could you learn to drive? You will feel so free if you can drive. Not saying you drive him every day - but occasionally, it could be an option.

Not impossible I know but far away from his school, friends and whole community. Nearer to cinemas, swimming pools and much more than there is in our village. I don’t drive so driving him or picking him up is not an option.
See again: learn to drive
Also the older he gets, the more cinemas and town life is going to appeal

Garden - Multiple gaps where my youngest could squeeze though and escape!
Chicken wire
New Fencing

House - no wet room, small compared to what we have now. Nothing wrong with the bath but youngest is a reluctant bather! 🛁
Children adapt. A wet-room is a very specific ask and you'd be mad to hold out for a property that offers one. Can you attach a shower thingy above the bath so it feels more like a shower than a bath?

A much much older property which I would worry that it would be hard to heat and expensive
Insulation tape round windows
Curtains and draft excluders
Electric blankets for cosy sleeping instead of heating whole bedroom
Also - thicker walls in older houses, so you may be surprised by how much heat it holds.

but on paper I know my reasons are not enough for them to offer something else - everything else it has like 3 bedrooms, living room is fine, kitchen, access to a garden etc.

Definitely concerned about dealing with issues such as mould, damp etc but I couldn’t see any obvious issues. I’ve lived in old buildings/flats before with mould/mice etc, didn’t want to go down that road again!

I don’t think my concerns are enough really to warrant an appeal.
I know that I could also put my own stamp on it and make it nice if I definitely move in.

Also to note: IT DOES NOT COME WITH A TOXIC MAN BABY INSTALLED.

you will be free to breathe/eat what you want/sleep/relax/have friends/chill with DC/Watch want you want/get up when you want/go to bed when you want EVERY SINGLE DAY. Imagine....

You might be able to get a grant to install a wet room, if your son has additional needs.

And your teen may end up staying with dad 3 nights midweek, but may want to be with you Friday to Monday to enjoy the city. There may be friends in this area that you don’t know about. And your cooking might be better than his dad’s! We know your temper is!

Don’t assume he’ll prefer it there. He might want to learn some skills like decorating, getting the new house looking good. If you involve him he might enjoy making panelling and things- I know mine did, once he’d picked the wallpaper for his feature wall he got quite involved.

Your children don’t care about astroturf
Your children don’t care that the house is old
Your children don’t care about the bathroom
Your children don’t care that it’s not a new build

Your children care about being emotionally safe
Your children care about being physically safe
Your children care about your wellbeing
Your children care about being happy

I know you’re in a difficult situation OP but I do think your focusing too much on cosmetic issues and not on the real crux of the matter which is the current situation is unsafe for both you and your children.

In regards to the bath, I had this installed in mine (connected to the bath tap) which made a great shower. Would it help your youngest?

Sorry I was asking to see if any of your reasons would class as unsuitable accomadation in terms of homelessness.

Take it. Then do mutual exchange if necessary.

What are your chances of being offered a nicer HA property in a better location?

As foul as your husband is and I think we all agree that you need to leave him, I'm not so sure you should uproot yourself leaving your lovely home and potentially losing contact with your son if he decides to stay with his dad to move to a grotty run down property.

I think you would feel completely different if you had a nicer property to go to. I don't blame you for being hesitant.

So, it might be worth just sticking it out for a bit to see if you can get a HA property whilst also exploring the possibility of getting HIM out of your current home?

I would have another conversation with the HA. As your current property has been adapted for your child's disability, they may not allow your DH to stay there.

I grew up in a household where my dad was emotionally abusive, we lived in fear of his next outburst. If my mum had told me that we stayed because she preferred the garden to the alternative, I don't know how I would have felt about that. You're putting your own preferences above your children's emotional wellbeing. This shit scars, my sister and have both had extensive therapy from living with an abusive parent and another parent who moved heaven and earth (and usually us) to placate them.

I don't think it's about her putting her preferences above her children's emotional wellbeing, @MyPurpleHeart - I suspect that her worries about the house and garden are symptoms of the struggle she is going through. She is facing a massive change - other posters have explained how hard it is for a woman in abusive relationship to leave, and why it is so hard too.

She has come an amazingly long way since the start of this thread only 15 days ago, and I think we must allow her a few wobbles along the way!

Op I’m getting the impression that you are losing the motivation to make the change .

I hope I’m wrong, for your children’s sake if
nothing else

That's a really unfair comment! This is a big decision to make and the fact that the new house is 9 miles away from school is a huge concern and will have a big impact on their lives and relationship.

I think the convenience of the town long term will be such a lure and gift to yours sons.

I know its a big decision but as a child of an unpredictable father, I would have given anything for him to be gone.

Cutting him off ruthlessly in my 20's was something I NEVER regretted.

Any news op?

@RainbowStriped hi how did you get on with the house decision ?

Hi everyone, I didn’t take the house in the end, weighing it up it did feel like it was just too far away from my sons school and the house itself looked like it potentially could have had issues. It was a really difficult decision. Unfortunately at the time of viewing I was suffering v.badly with PMDD (I get v.bad depression before my period) and I honestly felt incapable of making a rational decision and felt close to having a breakdown! The PMDD has now lifted and I am back to my normal rational self, if I had viewed it now I don’t know if I would have made a different decision but the distance of almost ten miles just felt too far.

My HA knows of my situation and weekly they advertise properties which I am now bidding on - if I see one which I like Women’s Aid will write me a letter. WA will also write to the council to find out what my current position is on the list - it was probably considered a reasonable offer. I really did agonise about my decision and I honestly don’t know if my decision would have been different had my mental health not declined so drastically in the week leading up to the councils offer.

For now I'm hoping to move but closer to my son’s school or of course stay and get H to leave.

Seeing WA next week for more advice. Thanks everyone for checking in.

I think you made the right decision OP, I do hope somewhere more suitable comes up very soon.

So glad you’ve made the right decision for you Op, WA sound very supportive. Good luck in your house search and new life ahead ❤️

It was your decision to make OP and you did take time weighing all up the property. It's good that WA are actively supporting you and you are in communication with the HA. Wishing you all the best.