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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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8
Butchyrestingface · 06/02/2025 10:31

Where did you find this person, OP? Did you go shopping for a husband at Cunts R Us and they were giving greetin’ man babies away for free? (“No, please - TAKE him!”)

GoldMoon · 06/02/2025 10:32

Dh and I on birthday mornings . " Happy birthday " , here's your card , shall we go for a coffee later ?
That's about it , no big fanfare . We are happy with that .

Your dh is an entitled knob .

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:32

Burntt · 06/02/2025 10:28

Have a frank conversation with him and say you won't tolerate this kind of behaviour going forward.

I HATE my birthday it's a massive trigger when your parents have failed you as a child. A reminder every year that you cannot avoid. Due to this I won't celebrate my birthday as I would struggle to act happy all day for others. One year I had a surprise party because my wishes not to celebrate my birthday were ignored and I felt real resentment not gratitude to the organiser. Really offended them.

Speak to your OH. See if he would just prefer not to acknowledge his birthday in future if he cannot keep his emotions from ruining the day for everyone. You are not an emotional punching bag and should not be treated this way

The odd thing is that even though he’s got some bad memories surrounding his birthdays he still expects a lot of fuss/lots of presents etc. He still wants to celebrate it but is extremely difficult to deal with.

OP posts:
canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:32

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:30

Oddly he is very good on Mothers Day and my birthday. Mostly I work on Mothers Day and he organises a bag of gifts. I don’t expect anything, I’m happy with the homemade stuff from school. He is good around my birthday and luckily has never behaved badly. It’s his birthday that his got a chip on his shoulder about.

Why aren't you acknowledging the further more distressing issues that you've previously posted about?

This goes far beyond birthdays and father's day.

LittleEar · 06/02/2025 10:32

I’d sit the prick down and remind him of his pathetic behaviour and tell him in future he’s getting a card and nothing more.

Personally I’d leave him. Your kids lives will be scarred by him.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 06/02/2025 10:32

Gosh, how upsetting to read this @RainbowStriped and a quick glance at your other thread, quoted here by another poster, shows your DH has some deep-rooted problems.

For Father's Day or Christmas - or both! - get him a couple of therapy sessions, and tell him he's upsetting the whole family with his extreme 'moods' . I'm sorry childhood issues have impacted him so deeply, but now he is allegedly a grown-up, he needs to deal with them.

If nothing changes, you really might need to consider separate households for your children's sake.

aei22 · 06/02/2025 10:32

Get a divorce op. How do you see this improving? It’s won’t. Either you get a divorce or accept this treatment. I say this because it’s very clearly not confined to this birthday incident. You possibly can’t even see it all as you’re conditioned to accept it.

He’s abusive. You need to accept this fact and take action.

Oh and don’t tell him. Spend a few month quietly planning. Only tell him as you leave.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:33

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:32

Why aren't you acknowledging the further more distressing issues that you've previously posted about?

This goes far beyond birthdays and father's day.

Yeah it’s just the tip of the iceberg really.

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 06/02/2025 10:33

Has the family buffet happened yet? If not cancel it.

Awful behaviour.

Does he ruin Christmas as well?

ThatsWhatImTalkinAbout · 06/02/2025 10:34

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

Ok so I think your OH needs therapy to deal with the estrangement issue. What’s happening is he clearly cannot handle anything related to his Dad and he is deflecting his pain/frustration onto you in the form of a tantrum.
You need to step back when it’s his birthday/Fathers Day. Tell him straight that he needs to get help for HIS problem first, and stop making it your problem.

MissDoubleU · 06/02/2025 10:34

Tell him he’s being a brat.

Semiramide · 06/02/2025 10:34

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:27

It is 100% real. I wish wish wish I was making this up. I really do.

Okay. So do you have a plan? Because this clearly cannot continue.

You are a mother. You need to safeguard your children. The shit stuff that is happening in your family will damage them for life.

I hope you have the strength to get out.

diddl · 06/02/2025 10:34

I don't know why you bother if he doesn't appreciate it Op.

Whatever it "triggers" for him he only needs to be civil & say thank you!

He's nasty & I couldn't get past that.

LostittoBostik · 06/02/2025 10:34

I would be sitting him down quietly later this week, point out this is a pattern, say it's unacceptable and can't happen again. And tell him it's time to seek therapy because if he can't behave like an adult next year out of respect for you, however he's feeling inside, it will alter the future of the relationship

Birdie280125 · 06/02/2025 10:34

He needs therapy or to get a grip, NOT to take it out on you.

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:35

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:33

Yeah it’s just the tip of the iceberg really.

Sounds very much like it is. Don't distract yourself with some poor behaviour over a birthday when your got wide reaching systemic issues in your family dynamic that are deeply affecting your children and need addressing.

Get some IRL support.

Nothatgingerpirate · 06/02/2025 10:35

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This!
And I know five year olds who behave much better!!

Is this even for real?
Honestly, I couldn't look at my husband the same way ever again.
I hate adults throwing tantrums. It would be the end. 😕

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:35

Crunchymum · 06/02/2025 10:33

Has the family buffet happened yet? If not cancel it.

Awful behaviour.

Does he ruin Christmas as well?

Not yet. This Christmas he was difficult in the days leading up to it and had a couple of twattish moments on the day.

OP posts:
NoMoreCoffeePlease · 06/02/2025 10:35

This made me chuckle (sorry) as I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a child, let alone a spouse. If this post is not a windup, then I would have him checked by a specialist as he seems to be mentally regressing to toddlerhood. Did he get a head injury recently?

Duckswaddle · 06/02/2025 10:35

You need to stop complaining and actually do something about it.
It sounds like you’re just going to put up with it though. Where’s your anger?

SwerveCity · 06/02/2025 10:36

What a giant ungrateful fucking man baby. Seriously. And what adult demands a birthday banner on the front door? He sounds vile.

Mirabai · 06/02/2025 10:36

This is not just birthdays and Christmas OP you are married to an absolute twat.

How can this be your life?

Snorandrepeat · 06/02/2025 10:37

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:32

Why aren't you acknowledging the further more distressing issues that you've previously posted about?

This goes far beyond birthdays and father's day.

THIS 👆HOW ARE YOU PROTECTING THE CHILDREN?

ProfessionalPirate · 06/02/2025 10:38

GreenTeaLikesMe · 06/02/2025 09:26

I don’t understand how this post is even possible. Surely it’s illegal to be married to a 5yo?

This is offensive. There’s no way either of my children would have behaved like this at 5. 2 years old, maybe, although it would have been nipped in the bud immediately. Certainly wouldn’t have pandered to it like the OP.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:38

NoMoreCoffeePlease · 06/02/2025 10:35

This made me chuckle (sorry) as I wouldn't accept that behaviour from a child, let alone a spouse. If this post is not a windup, then I would have him checked by a specialist as he seems to be mentally regressing to toddlerhood. Did he get a head injury recently?

Not a wind up. I bloody wish I was making this up.

OP posts: