DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

This is barely normal for a child, never mind a supposedly grown man. I was also going to question if this is real, so bizarre is his behaviour. But I see others have questioned and it’s definitely real. Omg.

You are married to a man child, who behaves worse than most children. It’s laughable if it wasn’t you who had to face it. YADNBU.

For Me if he ever behaved like this again, the marriage would be over. He may have a lot going on ref his own dad and trauma, but that’s not an excuse to treat you like this. You don’t need this shit. Give him one last chance for the sake of your kids and your marriage. But that’s it. What a repulsive dickhead.

Maybe his birthday present next year should be a set of therapy sessions, @RainbowStriped!

I can understand how his history is causing him to be depressed about his birthday and Father's Day, but it doesn't make it OK for him to take it out on his nearest and dearest.

Maybe now his birthday is over for this year, when the dust has settled a bit, you and he can have a serious conversation about why he acts so badly on his birthday, the effect it has on you and the rest of the family, and you can agree a way forward. My suggestion of therapy sessions as a birthday present was tongue-in-cheek, but I honestly think this is going to mean him getting therapy to deal with his issues.

You know it’s bad when the children are calling him out for his behaviour. Scrap the buffet and whatever else you had planned. He doesn’t appreciate any of it. What a dickhead.

I might remember your post OP, was he horrible to your DS and made them cry?

Does he get a kick out of winding you up on a general basis or just on his birthday ?

Couldnt be doing with it. I'd've told him to STFU.

Ah is this the man that called you rotten and a vile woman? They proceed to basically ignore your child giving him his father's day gift and he went to his room upset? And you had to apologise for saying "please don't shout at me".

You mentioned making a list of all the horrible names he called you and said this is repeated behaviour.

As far as I remember you said you ended the marriage?

Sorry if that's not you but your writing style is the same.

His estrangement with his own father does not mean he gets to take it out on your family. I wouldn't be sorry telling him if he wants the same relationship with his kids that he has with his father then he's going the right way about it.

Horrible, horrible ungrateful man. Either he does therapy or I'd be gone OP, I wouldn't put up with that shit nor would I expect my kids to.

What the fuck have I just read?
He's ridiculous.

Leave leave leave

Your husband needs to agree to counselling. He is acting like a 5 year old. If I'm being kind, I might say that his birthday/lack of father is a trigger that makes him regress back to childhood.

However, that isn't your problem. If he can't control this then he needs counselling. If he refuses then I think I would look at separating.

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

This may well be the root of his behaviour, but it in no way excuses the way he chooses to express those feelings. It seems like he gives himself permission to behave as badly and unreasonably as he pleases, almost taking a perverse pleasure in being as childlike as possible and punishing everyone around him - literally ‘it’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to’.

As this one was a big birthday, he’s given himself a proper run up to the full mantrum. Whatever you’d have done wouldn’t have been good enough - you could have had a Red Arrows fly-by with a ticker tape parade, cheerleaders and a fucking bouncy castle, and he’d still find a reason to stamp his foot because you’ve not made him feel like a special enough boy.

What are you planning to do or say, though, OP? At the very least you need to let him know that any and all celebrations or gift-giving occasions are cancelled until he acknowledges the effect of his behaviour on those around him. He’s basically shitting on the efforts of everyone who loves him, every single time, so what’s the point? It gives nobody any pleasure or happiness, just spreads bad feeling, so stop.

There’s only so much whining, babyish, ‘me me me’ foot-stamping that’s tolerable from a grown man, no matter how damaged. He needs therapy to address the abandonment issues of the little boy inside him, before that child estranges him from his own family.

I'd be telling him we're not celebrating your birthday next year so you've plenty of time to think about what a miserable, ungrateful twat you are.
If he has issues to do with his father he should get help for that instead of ruining everyone else's day. I'm surprised his family didn't pull him up properly.

I used to be touchy about my birthday due to an abusive childhood. I would feel stressed in the lead up, and sad on the day. I'd ignore my phone and just want the day to be over. But you know what? I got over that self pitying nonsense once I had my children.
No banner on the front door HAHA what!?
He sounds like a bloody lunatic.
I wouldn't be cuddling the fucker for a looong time after that display. What an embarrassment of a human.
I'm raging for you!

That is such a brilliant - and
accurate - comment!!👏👏

Cut to the chase - he wants out and he wants it to look as if you are the unreasonable one when you tell him to go.

His behaviour towards you isn't just 'spoilt child', it's abusive. Nothing you can do is enough, everything is disregarded or belittled.

He's having tantrums, storming into supermarkets, sulking in front of his family to prove how unhappy you make him and how neglected he is. Building up his case that you are 'the bad guy'.

Thought - is he on those men's sites where they teach each other to make lists of their partners wrongdoings, lists of their own expectations of their partner and say things like 'What do you do for me?' Sounds like it from what you've written.

Another thought - all the 'birthday' stuff with presents laid out, loads spent, fuss, fuss, fuss... that's for children. You and he are adults. You are setting yourself up for failure by babying him.

Final thought - this 'he kicks off around his birthday' stuff is a narcissist trait. Look it up, you might find more you recognise.

Review and reassess this relationship. If you are staying, change things quietly without discussion. No more gift-fests for him. If he sods off for a MaccyD, don't even notice. Start building your own independence from his moods.

I had never met a child, who behaves like this, so, calling him, a man, child, or saying he's behaving like a child still is confusing to me. I genuinely had never met a person of any age who has behaved like this.

I'm absolutely mortified for him , what an embarrassment he's made of himself

You and your children are better off without this man, dragging you all down

Exactly! I’ve never had a special birthday breakfast done for me before but neither would I demand one. I make birthdays very special for everyone but sometimes the kids have to go to school on theirs and wait until the end of the day to celebrate. DH is very generous with gifts on my birthday/spends a lot and mostly just asks in the morning-do you want me to make you anything? But has never laid on a huge breakfast spread but that’s ok. It’s something I do for our children to make their day special.

If this is isolated to his birthday, I would let it go. Some people find their birthdays incredibly difficult. We don't celebrate my DH's birthday on his birthday because he gets very down (also estranged from his father and not his choice). Instead we pick a date another date when he comes out of the slump and we'll do dinner/party/presents/whatever then.

When emotions aren't running so high, I would have a conversation with him about how unacceptable his behaviour was and that there will not be a repeat. Let him know you understand his birthday is difficult so you need to come up with a plan together about how you approach his birthday in future. That includes setting out expectations and how you talk about it.

For example, I will ask DH when I'm meal planning the week "Is there anything you'd like in particular on Wednesday"? He'll know it's his birthday day and he can let me know if he wants a favourite dinner without us having to mention his birthday. A couple of weeks in advance, I'll check what he feels comfortable with for his birthday (sometimes he wants a cake on the day, sometimes he's happy for me to wish him happy birthday - and sometimes not) and then re-confirm the weekend before so I have a chance to make any last minute plans.

I'm sure I'll get hammered for adding to your "mental load" and posters saying it's not your responsibility to make sure a grown man doesn't act like a knob (both points I agree with BTW). Neither are your responsibility, but it's an act of consideration for someone you love who struggles at that time of year.

"I can’t go into too much detail here but to give some idea - at the time I posted for advice and a couple of comments said it was one of the worst things they had ever read on Mumsnet.
**
It was related to how he was speaking to and about our youngest who had recently been diagnosed with a life long intellectual (severe) disability. I also didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care. I didn’t take lightly “kicking him out” I really did not feel safe around him and his behaviour was erratic."

OP you literally wrote this two days ago. What will it take for you to just leave him?!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5267519-husband-threatening-divorce-every-time-we-argue?page=2&reply=141906250

I would sit him down and say next year for your birthday I’m taking the dc and I away somewhere nice without you, so we don’t have to put up with you heaping shit on everything we’ve done for your birthday. You can sit here on your own so no one else has to put up with your miserable asshole attitude. And for Father’s Day I think I might do the same thing. I am certainly not putting in any effort to try and make you feel special, since there is no fucking point.

If you said this post was about your 13 year old I'd have thought it was grim. But an adult man? 😵

@RainbowStriped wow he sounds like a spoilt brat, you are definitely not being unreasonable and have the patience of a saint.

I would have snatched his presents off him when he started taking the piss and got a refund.

Sounds like your kids are way more mature than him, they understand the importance of being grateful and the effort you made, so much so that they had to point this out to a grown man, he should be embarrassed.

There are no excuses, tell him to not repeat this behaviour again otherwise there will be no effort whatsoever for his next birthday xx

What a twat. I know in MN people live to be competitive about who is happiest with the shittiest bday. But surely present and dinner/cake is plenty for an adult? Seems like you made the bdaybinto a huge deal and he's still unhappy. If his bday turn him such a miserable abusive piece of shit then he probably should get some professional help.

Edit: nevermind. Saw your other thread. Get out. Run.

@whatapalarva
I think that's it. OP, was he the man who threatened to put your DC with additional needs into care?

This man is emotionally manipulative, petulant and has a hair trigger temper by the sounds of things. You must be walking on eggshells all the time, trying to keep the peace.

I reckon something about his birthday upsets him that affects his behaviour. I'm not making excuses for his outlandish behaviour but something major obviously triggers him. Likely his dad's lack of contact/abandonment. You need to call him out on this. Completely unfair that he behaves like this and the effects on you

Oh. I see the quote from the other post. I hope he spends both Father’s Day and his next birthday single and alone.