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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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aei22 · 06/02/2025 10:21

This behaviour is disgraceful and abusive.

You would not accept such ingratitude and rudeness from a 7yo child, let alone an adult.

He just shown your kids how to abuse their future spouse. And he’s getting away with it.

You need to cancel the buffet today. Otherwise he will perpetuate this behaviour. And tell him next birthday, there will be no cake/outing or any kind of celebration. It’s cancelled.

Estrangement from his father is no excuse whatsoever. I’m estranged from mine, so is my brother. I don’t treat anyone like this. Neither does my brother. We broke the cycle of abuse and protected our kids from it. Your husband is perpetuating it and your kids have seen it.

he needs to hang his head in shame. A black hole on his birthday? He belongs down a bloody black hole. What an utter immature prick. Unless you give him a sharp shock and consequences, this won’t stop.

Seriously - cancel the buffet and his next birthday. Tell him you want a partner who is decent, not a tantrum baby twat.

SheridansPortSalut · 06/02/2025 10:22

He thinks you've ruined the day before it has even started so why are you trying so hard? You can't win. Let him have the miserable day that he seems determined to have.

sugarapplelane · 06/02/2025 10:23

Sorry for the way your DH behaved Op. He was atrocious.
So what happened afterwards? Did you sit him down and tell him exactly how it made you and your children feel? Tell him how badly he had behaved? What is the story going forwards? How are you going to manage this going forwards?
I would suggest just walking out the door next year if he behaves like that again and tell him why. Why put up with it?

Miaowzabella · 06/02/2025 10:23

a banner 😂😂😂 what a berk. I suppose there's still time to make up a banner with DICK OF THE YEAR on it.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 06/02/2025 10:24

He's a twat but I honestly can't believe you keep trying, OP. I'm not trying to blame you at all, I'm just trying to say maybe it's time for you to stop putting so much effort in for him. When he complains, remind him of his behaviour on both his birthday and Father's Day and tell him you're not willing to do it anymore. I imagine he will stop for your birthday as well, but surely that's better than how you felt yesterday.

How upsetting for you. I'm so sorry.

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:24

StopStartStop · 06/02/2025 10:18

Cut to the chase - he wants out and he wants it to look as if you are the unreasonable one when you tell him to go.

His behaviour towards you isn't just 'spoilt child', it's abusive. Nothing you can do is enough, everything is disregarded or belittled.

He's having tantrums, storming into supermarkets, sulking in front of his family to prove how unhappy you make him and how neglected he is. Building up his case that you are 'the bad guy'.

Thought - is he on those men's sites where they teach each other to make lists of their partners wrongdoings, lists of their own expectations of their partner and say things like 'What do you do for me?' Sounds like it from what you've written.

Another thought - all the 'birthday' stuff with presents laid out, loads spent, fuss, fuss, fuss... that's for children. You and he are adults. You are setting yourself up for failure by babying him.

Final thought - this 'he kicks off around his birthday' stuff is a narcissist trait. Look it up, you might find more you recognise.

Review and reassess this relationship. If you are staying, change things quietly without discussion. No more gift-fests for him. If he sods off for a MaccyD, don't even notice. Start building your own independence from his moods.

Yes he always kicks off around his birthday or Father’s Day. I remember one year I bought him one very expensive gift and a few smaller gifts. I could see him looking at the pile like it was so small, I think he actually said there’s not much there. I had to explain that it would make sense when he opened it.

Another year - arguments before the day itself, he called me a horrible name. I was still upset on the day but made the effort. 30 minutes before his organised meal in the evening he refused to go as I had ruined his day and he couldn’t just sit there pretending everything was ok. Had to cancel and pretend he was ill.

OP posts:
Threewheeler1 · 06/02/2025 10:25

Does he ever apologise to you or the DC's over his behaviour?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 06/02/2025 10:26

I despise your h, op.

What a horrible, nasty piece of work he is.

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 10:26

Next year book a trip away for him, just him. Somewhere far, far away

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:26

sugarapplelane · 06/02/2025 10:23

Sorry for the way your DH behaved Op. He was atrocious.
So what happened afterwards? Did you sit him down and tell him exactly how it made you and your children feel? Tell him how badly he had behaved? What is the story going forwards? How are you going to manage this going forwards?
I would suggest just walking out the door next year if he behaves like that again and tell him why. Why put up with it?

I was close to walking out. Honestly I was dreading that meal and just wanted the day to be over with. He said just now that he felt like me and the children were making fun of him/laughing at him calling him ungrateful. He sees absolutely no fault in how he behaved.

OP posts:
Wemaybebetterstrangers · 06/02/2025 10:26

This reply has been deleted

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ColourBlueColourPurple · 06/02/2025 10:27

I think you've made a typo OP - H instead of S. I genuinely had to look back and make sure that this was a grown man you were talking about.

Motomum23 · 06/02/2025 10:27

Any normal adult would say hey sweetheart I struggle with my birthday because I'm estranged from my dad so let's not do anything.... the picking arguments before and on your birthday is pathetic and I would call him out on it and tell him next year you are doing nothing.

He's a selfish @#£% who doesn't deserve you

stayathomer · 06/02/2025 10:27

Is he having a breakdown? Or one of those ‘I can’t believe I’m this old’ moments of madness? You did waaaaaayyyyyy too much for that attitude- hope he cops on and apologises soon op x

NoWayRose · 06/02/2025 10:27

This is nuts, my primary school kids behave much better than this.

Is it really only special occasions when he acts like this? I can’t believe he behaves nicely the rest of the year?!

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:27

This reply has been deleted

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It is 100% real. I wish wish wish I was making this up. I really do.

OP posts:
JustWantsSomeSleep · 06/02/2025 10:27

What does he do for you on your birthday / mothers day?

canyouletthedogoutplease · 06/02/2025 10:28

HowToSaveAWife · 06/02/2025 10:19

"I can’t go into too much detail here but to give some idea - at the time I posted for advice and a couple of comments said it was one of the worst things they had ever read on Mumsnet.
**
It was related to how he was speaking to and about our youngest who had recently been diagnosed with a life long intellectual (severe) disability. I also didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care. I didn’t take lightly “kicking him out” I really did not feel safe around him and his behaviour was erratic."

OP you literally wrote this two days ago. What will it take for you to just leave him?!

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5267519-husband-threatening-divorce-every-time-we-argue?page=2&reply=141906250

Previous advice still applies. This isn't going to change unless you make changes.

You have bigger fish to fry than a banner and a buffet my love. Protect your children.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:28

DemonicCaveMaggot · 06/02/2025 10:26

Next year book a trip away for him, just him. Somewhere far, far away

Edited

Agreed. But with his money obviously.

Burntt · 06/02/2025 10:28

Have a frank conversation with him and say you won't tolerate this kind of behaviour going forward.

I HATE my birthday it's a massive trigger when your parents have failed you as a child. A reminder every year that you cannot avoid. Due to this I won't celebrate my birthday as I would struggle to act happy all day for others. One year I had a surprise party because my wishes not to celebrate my birthday were ignored and I felt real resentment not gratitude to the organiser. Really offended them.

Speak to your OH. See if he would just prefer not to acknowledge his birthday in future if he cannot keep his emotions from ruining the day for everyone. You are not an emotional punching bag and should not be treated this way

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 06/02/2025 10:28

Happy birthday* *@Cocoalover - hope you spoil yourself rotten today! You deserve it 💐💝

stayathomer · 06/02/2025 10:29

DemonicCaveMaggot

Next year book a trip away for him, just him. Somewhere far, far away.

And have a party in his honour op 👍

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 10:30

JustWantsSomeSleep · 06/02/2025 10:27

What does he do for you on your birthday / mothers day?

Oddly he is very good on Mothers Day and my birthday. Mostly I work on Mothers Day and he organises a bag of gifts. I don’t expect anything, I’m happy with the homemade stuff from school. He is good around my birthday and luckily has never behaved badly. It’s his birthday that his got a chip on his shoulder about.

OP posts:
FindusMakesPancakes · 06/02/2025 10:31

DeepFatFried · 06/02/2025 09:46

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

Tell him this is important and he needs to spend time addressing this and getting support for himself before next birthday / Father’s Day.

Tell him you believe him that this is why, but as well as being upsetting for him his response is incredibly distressing for you , and magically you are bearing the brunt of his anger against his Dad. And there is no way you can make it better with banners and Facebook posts or a bloody fly past by the red arrows, because you are you and not his Dad and you are not the one who left him feeling abandoned. But you are being set up to fail and you can’t go through another birthday like that.

There may be some useful books he can read, or he could talk it through with a counsellor. Or go for a few long walks with you and you can both talk it through.

You want to be able to celebrate his birthday as you, and for him to understand that, not to try and be a substitute Dad he never had.

This is good.
Address it well away from his birthday or father's day.

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 10:31

It was related to how he was speaking to and about our youngest who had recently been diagnosed with a life long intellectual (severe) disability. I also didn’t feel safe around him and felt like he would snap and hurt either himself, one of us or do something very stupid. He said he had a mental breakdown but the things he said about our child were so awful and unforgivable. He also threatened to put our child into care. I didn’t take lightly “kicking him out” I really did not feel safe around him and his behaviour was erratic.

Oh Jesus. This is far, far worse than him behaving like an absolute prick on his birthday isn't it?

OP - can I ask (kindly) why you are still with a man who is essentially abusing you and your children and has threatened to put YOUR CHILD into care?!

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