DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

My DH hates birthdays, in particular his own always moans. Guess what he gets on his birthday, usually two small gifts from the kids and nothing organised from me. Told me recently he would quite like a surpise party 😂yeah ok, I am going to organise a surpjse party for someone who actively makes a point that they hate birthdays. Idiot.

Happy Birthday!

How old is he?

I'd say it was a significant birthday in that it would be the last one he'd be getting any celebration effforts from me.

Tell him he's had his chips and as a pre warning he can whistle on father's day, you'll take DC to see their grandad. Be clear that he's on thin ice and needs get himself the help he needs in order to function like a grown up.

Using the situation with his father is an excuse and that is his responsibility to deal with not beat you over the head with.

I think you need to sit him diwn and tell him just how unacceptable and awful his behaviour is. I'd lay the law down and tell him if he starts to cuss arguments either before or during any birthday, Father's Day, etc that you'll take all his gifts back, cancel any plans and he can fuck off by himself for the day. I'd bloody well make sure I did this too.

He expectations, banners, parties etc are very over the top, and his behaviour is that of a spoilt 3yr old

Is he 5 ??

I agree.

Tbh it sounds like he's got some deep rooted issues around his birthday and they go all the way back to when he was a kid. He wants to be centre stage and doesn't at the same time. He probably should explore those emotions with a professional.

I wouldn't be doing birthdays until he's done that.

Then why do you keep doing it?
Why bother with all the presents, balloons, banners, cake, special lunch, meal with family etc. etc.
Tell him about six weeks in advance next year that you will not be doing anything for his birthday as he seem to hate it.
And mean it.

He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday?

This would have ended me. How old is the man?!

Happy birthday 🥳 I hope you have a lovely day celebrating.

I agree with this. If he wants to argue with you then you've got pretty good reasons for standing your ground.
It sounds exhausting OP and I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do.

You're trying too hard op
You wouldn't take that behaviour from your dc so don't accept it from him.
I would have bagged his gifts up, cancelled his meal and told him that when he learns to behave like an adult you'll treat him like one.

I wouldn't even accept that from my 15yo

I swear to god I would leave him.

He treats you pretty badly generally it seems.
I think I remember your post the other day.
Do you think you can carry on like this OP, it sounds seriously miserable?

Tell him his behaviour is totally unacceptable as well as being totally predictable. A dreadful example to your children. Say in future you feel like not doing anything for father's Day or his birthday since it makes no difference anyway. Going forward tell him you will give him one warning and one warning only when he starts to behave like this. After that you will take the children out and put everything you have bought and prepared straight in the bin. You will only return once he apologizes. And mean it

People treat you how you allow them to.

So stop.

Your husband doesn't want to be married to you, instead of having a grown up conversation and quitting he's acting like a total jerk so you dump him because he doesn't want to do it and look like the bad guy. I'm amazed at the fact you're not seeing the obvious.

Is he turning 5?

He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

The only appropriate one would say

Congratulations! I've changed the locks, your stuff is in the garage.

Exactly this. I have a pretty major trauma tied to my birthday date, and have lost both my parents, so there's fairly good reasons for me to spend the day feeling down and hard done to if I wanted to go down that route.

The year before last DH was also a really thoughtless twat on my birthday and I ended up having a pretty miserable day. But by that I mean he actually was a twat and really upset me, not like you who had done loads to try to give your DH a nice day. So I did tell my DH, 'look, you've been really unkind today, and it's not acceptable ever but especially on my birthday, this isn't ok' type thing, made it clear he had some making up to do. But I didn't go out of my way to tear him to pieces or remind him at every bloody turn (he did know he had some serious making up to do when it came to my birthday last year!), and most importantly I didn't let our DC see me being an ungrateful, miserable sod - I made sure she saw me being happy on my birthday, I made sure I was pleasant to my in laws who called in to see me on the day, and I was grateful for the nice things that DID happen even if I was pissed off with DH's inexplicably shit attitude all day.

I just don't think I could look at my DH the same way again if he was demanding banners on the door, gushing facebook posts and full blown 'special breakfasts' for his birthday. That's something you do for children, not grown adults. And to be pissed off that his kids sometimes get more on their birthdays than he does e.g. the pancakes - I can't understand that mindset I only ever want the absolute best and most for my DD, I can't imagine resenting it because she gets a special pancake stack with a candle for her birthday breakfast every year and I don't. It's not just the ingratitude and entitlement I'd find off putting, it's WHAT he actually wants - like he wants to be a special pampered prince for the day and that he's competitive with his own bloody children over it, just yuck!

It is exhausting and I honestly felt quite ill and drained with how he behaved. I never had that much growing up and I’m so grateful for even small gifts or just a birthday card. It shows that person cares about me and was thinking of me. I really couldn’t be so entitled or ungrateful. One year we all went for a meal (lunchtime) but I would never have demanded a special breakfast or a big buffet when we got home. Our children behave better on their birthdays.

I think you should tell him that since he obviously loathes birthdays, you’re going to put him out of his misery and stop celebrating his entirely. If when he pushes back, then it is time to let him know that under no uncertain terms are you willing to allow yourself or your kids to be put through that kind of torture by a selfish, ungrateful, miserable git - ever. He is going to have to stop acting like someone pissed in his cornflakes and start acting as though he is lucky to have people left in his life who feel that he might be someone worth celebrating, because this kind of behaviour is enough to push you all away completely.

@OP you’re really not seeing the bigger picture here. @penelopelondon has it right.
Don’t minimise this as simply birthday-related.

Exactly this !! If this was a child I would think it was entitled brattish behaviour but from an adult I just cannot believe what I have read !!Whats with all the gifts and balloons? All sounds a bit weird.

When I started to read this I was thinking 100% ltb, entitled manbaby, etc etc, but then you said he is lovely except for his Birthday and Father's Day. These events are obviously triggering for him and he doesn't know how to cope. I would suggest taking back all of the expensive clothing you bought him that he doesn't like, and reinvesting it in some therapy sessions, as this guy has issues. It would come with an ultimatum of sort it or I'm gone.