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DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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AnnaMagnani · 06/02/2025 09:45

Have you ever asked him, 6 months away from his birthday, why he always self sabotages it and makes you and the kids miserable?

AwaitingFreedom · 06/02/2025 09:45

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa.

Of course he did. He knew he wouldn't get any sex unless he was "nice". I wouldn't be surprised if he's the type to expect/demand a birthday bj.

Next time OP treat yourself too. Either start a divorce or learn the art of grey rocking/dropping the rope.

Nanny0gg · 06/02/2025 09:45

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

Then stop. And give him something to moan about

And if he was my husband he'd have been wearing the cake

Venturini · 06/02/2025 09:45

How repulsive

DeepFatFried · 06/02/2025 09:46

His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

Tell him this is important and he needs to spend time addressing this and getting support for himself before next birthday / Father’s Day.

Tell him you believe him that this is why, but as well as being upsetting for him his response is incredibly distressing for you , and magically you are bearing the brunt of his anger against his Dad. And there is no way you can make it better with banners and Facebook posts or a bloody fly past by the red arrows, because you are you and not his Dad and you are not the one who left him feeling abandoned. But you are being set up to fail and you can’t go through another birthday like that.

There may be some useful books he can read, or he could talk it through with a counsellor. Or go for a few long walks with you and you can both talk it through.

You want to be able to celebrate his birthday as you, and for him to understand that, not to try and be a substitute Dad he never had.

Onlycoffee · 06/02/2025 09:46

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Happy birthday @Cocoalover 💐 hope your day is better than you expect!
Are you able to buy a treat for yourself?
I don't have many friends or family either, I'm so grateful for what I do receive on my birthday and I always buy myself something as well.

Threewheeler1 · 06/02/2025 09:46

@Cocoalover
Here's an extra Happy Birthday! If it's any consolation, I come from a big family but don't have many people in my life either.
I like to think it's quality, not quantity 😁
Have a lovely day, whatever you chose to do! x

TheSidewinderSleepsTonite · 06/02/2025 09:46

Wow. My 4 year old doesn't act like this...

How can you live like that, op? Do yourself a favour and leave. Being alone is better than being with that...

username299 · 06/02/2025 09:47

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:38

I can honestly say this is 100% real 😔 He has always acted up around his birthdays/starts fights in the days leading up to them and then accuses me of deliberately ruining his day. Some years have been ok but this year was particularly bad.

Then stop celebrating his birthday. Tell him that he doesn't appreciate the effort you go to and you find it upsetting. I'd get him a card and leave him to it.

If my partner acted like that I'd have gone out.

Tryinghardtobefair · 06/02/2025 09:47

In your father's day post you said you'd ended the marriage after making a list of all he's done and said to you.
Why did you go back?
You should rewrite the list and use it as motivation to get out for good.

HotCrossBunplease · 06/02/2025 09:47

What do you gain by having him in your life?

ZippyDoodle · 06/02/2025 09:47

Fuck me, I wouldn't be putting up with this. Take the kids away for Fathers Day and tell him why.

Any chance there could be another woman in the background? This sounds like typical behaviour of a bloke who is planning to leave. "Woe is me, no one made an effort on my Birthday, Father's Day.....". I'd be giving him a helpful push. You sound lovely and there is no reason you should be putting up with this shit.

Oddsocksanduglyshoes · 06/02/2025 09:47

That sounds like an incredibly difficult and exhausting day for you, and I completely understand why you’re feeling frustrated, hurt, and even at your wits end. You clearly put so much effort into making his birthday special, and it must have been awful to have that met with negativity at every turn. No one likes to feel like their kindness is being thrown back in their face, especially when you’ve tried so hard to make things nice.

That being said, I can see why your husbands behaviour is making you feel physically ill his reactions were dismissive, entitled, and, at times, downright cruel. Your feelings are completely valid, and I think anyone in your position would feel utterly deflated. It’s also telling that even your kids picked up on his attitude and called him out on it.

At the same time, I do wonder if his behaviour was more about his own unresolved pain than about anything you did or didn’t do. You mentioned he struggles with his birthday due to being estranged from his dad. It sounds like he’s carrying a lot of sadness and resentment around this, and instead of dealing with those feelings in a healthy way, he lashes out at you and creates conflict. Almost as if he sets the day up to fail in advance so that it can confirm his inner belief that birthdays are miserable, that he isn’t celebrated properly, or that no one cares.

None of this makes his behaviour okay, and you absolutely don’t deserve to be treated this way, but it might help to frame it as his issue, rather than a reflection of your efforts or love. It doesn’t seem like he actually wanted a big breakfast, a front-door banner, or a different set of gifts he wanted to feel special and valued but also seemed to sabotage that for himself.

If you have the energy for it, maybe when things have settled, you could gently talk to him about how his behaviour affects you and see if he can acknowledge that. It might also be worth discussing whether he’d like to approach birthdays differently in the future perhaps a lower-key day that isn’t built up in his mind as a big event to fail at. But in the meantime, please look after yourself. You went above and beyond, and you don’t deserve to have your kindness trampled on.

LittleOwl153 · 06/02/2025 09:47

That would be it for me. I wouldn't bother with his birthday next year- and I would tell him a week or more before why I wasn't going to do anything. There is no way I would repeatedly be treated like that. His family must think he is an ungrateful twat oo if they all made an effort to turn out for a weekday lunch to be treated like that!

I would suggest he gets some trauma therapy in the meantime.

IAmTheLittleThings · 06/02/2025 09:48

Unfortunately you're married to a selfish prick and I wouldn't bother giving him anything ever again.

Apart from divorce papers.

Devon24 · 06/02/2025 09:49

Op he needs therapy. Boy does he need therapy, this will link to his childhood and the disappointment and lack of love, every time a special occasion happens he is reliving it. Ask him what his birthdays were like? What happened when he was young?

Therapy or no therapy WHY are you putting up with this?? Why?

He was rude at the restaurant to your families. He was petulant towards your children. You should have stood up and said we are leaving. And left him there. It’s completely unfair on you. If he is like this (and I suspect he is) in other areas it’s time to reconsider sharing your life with him.

He is a disgraceful example to your children.

I would tell him now that unless he behaves on Father’s Day and all occasions after that, he will get a card and a voucher and nothing more, and mean it. He is being unbelievably rude and entitled (regardless of childhood issues)

ZippyDoodle · 06/02/2025 09:51

Cocoalover · 06/02/2025 09:42

What an ungrateful man. It's my birthday today, and I am estranged from most of my family. I will be lucky to receive a card from my parents. I got a few small gifts from my partner, which I am grateful for. I don't enjoy birthdays because it highlights the fact that I really don't have many people in my life. But I get on with my day and appreciate the things/people that I do have. I will probably cry later on, but hey, ho, life goes on!

Oh no! I'm in a similar position and understand exactly how you feel.

Make a fuss of yourself today and don't worry about anyone else.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Lots of love ZippyDoodle xxx

Starlight1984 · 06/02/2025 09:51

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:35

It’s definitely real! He behaved very badly around Fathers Day last year (I posted about it and how awful he was)

I just tried to find this post but the only one that has come up is your post from 2 days ago about how you have threatened to divorce him and he brings it up in every argument.

Can I ask why you are still together?

And please don't say for the kids as they are clearly witnessing and party to this horrendous behaviour and miserable relationship.

Icanttakethisanymore · 06/02/2025 09:52

Why do you put up with it? I’d have told him to fuck off first thing when he started moaning.

LaurieFairyCake · 06/02/2025 09:53

12 therapy sessions for Christmas present this year

But you don't have to put up with it Flowers

I wouldn't have engaged with any of that, but I don't find men who take out their frustrations on others sexy. I don't do emotional illiteracy in my personal life.

myplace · 06/02/2025 09:53

Having trauma around a date, and then self sabotaging, is a common pattern of behaviour.

The way to deal with it is to recognise it, plan for it, and engineer the situation to be more comfortable.

Making everyone else pay because of your trauma is dickhead behaviour.

When things are calmer, have a conversation along the lines of ‘How are we going to organise big dates in future, because that must never happen again.’

You could go away over the day, decide not to celebrate, celebrate a day early… but not, ever, punish the people around you for his dad’s behaviour.

Cattery · 06/02/2025 09:55

I’ve seen this type of behaviour before. The one that springs to mind is around Christmas and the festivities and present-giving. This person’s behaviour was that of a brat; disappearing, wanting to open presents alone etc. We discovered it was all rooted in childhood Christmases which were traumatic

Bringmeahigherlove · 06/02/2025 09:56

Is he 12!? Utterly pathetic.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 06/02/2025 09:56

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:33

He treats me well on my own birthday but there’s a pattern of him behaving badly around his own birthday.

I would just tell him you won’t be doing anything for his birthday next year other than a card due to his unacceptable behaviour.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 06/02/2025 09:57

DH is not OK, is he? He needs some help. Seems that he gets overwhelmed by unbearable feelings of loss and abandonment on days when he's hoping to be made to feel special, and he simply can't deal with them, and literally nothing comforts him or cheers him up.
I think therapy is the only answer. Have a serious talk on a non-special day and say that these explosions of furious, infantile despair are threatening your marriage and your children's happiness.

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