DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

You would be actually crazy to not take that house. You have to jump to land OP. Seriously, this is the start of your new life. Just because it's not your dream home doesn't mean you can't do masses to it.

If it's less than great, it's a way of saying you would rather climb down a few pegs than stay with him.

Move in and then move again later if need be or house swap but ...make that move.

@RainbowStriped I am wondering if stay and fight for the house, or leave and lose it are really your only two options.

What about "leave and fight for the house"?

You have a hell of a lot of supporting evidence to the abuse, it has been acknowledge by WA, accepted by the housing association and you have left for your own health and safety. But, that doesnt mean that you shouldnt still fight for the house aswell. You havent abandoned the family home, you are having to flee to escape abuse, that changes things a lot. There a no guarantees but I wouldnt just be giving up if I were you, its got to be worth a try surely?

Well that certainly gave me the ick 🤢

Am I being silly here but do you own your house with your husband? Would he not need to buy you out, if he doesn't want to sell? Apologies if this is an obvious answer. I've never had to question this question myself so I am unsure.

It's a HA house they rent it,

Take the house, make it nice and move again to somewhere better when you can. It is not good for your kids, let alone yourself, to remain in your situation. Lead by example that how he treats you is not to be tolerated, otherwise they are learning it is normal and this could affect their choice of partners in the future.

Look at it this way babs, summer next year you could have your friends round for drinks in YOUR nicely spruced up garden in YOUR home that you did off your own back 🩷

Ah! Missed that. Thanks

He is a man child.

What would be the alternative?
Come on.

i feel there must be a big backstory here as to why he's so miserable and grumpy?

@RainbowStriped i get completely your dilemma about the abuse. Well done for taking the steps!

FWIW I know of someone who took a council flat under similar duress, and when it proved to be unsuitable for their family, forced the council to offer them something that really does suit them. So if you find the garden is unsafe, for example- persist, persist, persist.
Hopefully you will find it’s fine and there’s enough flattish space to have the trampoline you need, wet room and so on. Best of luck.

At the end of the day OP it’s your own decision, I know you’ve had lots of advice on here but only you know the full circumstances.
I think it depends on how bad the house really is, is it damp free, fully habitable, and safe for your children.

You're scared, and that's normal. Fear can be paralysing. But IMO, you should be more scared of staying than leaving. At the moment you are making choices. I know you feel like those choices are limited but at least they are your own. You are in control. You aren't being bullied/ manipulated/ coerced into it. Stay or go, you and your kids because they have no choice, are going to face the consequences. A life in an old house that needs a bit of spit and polish and you can make your own is a much better prospect than continuing the life you have. Don't get me wrong it's not going to be easy but nothing worth having is east and I imagine it will be easier than being with your abusive, wanker H

Also when you do leave that environment the relief is so huge. It’s easy to remind yourself about the nice moments, when you’re in it, but once your body understands that you don’t have to be afraid any more, it’s life changing.

Having read your threads take the house.
I was expecting a horror story garden and it’s not.
What is a horror story is the abuse this man has subjected you to and which your children have observed.
Forget about living in a shiny house with a neat garden - it’s no prize if what is going on in that house is abusive.
And it is abusive.
If you leave you might need to make do with a shabby kitchen but your children will watch you breathe. It is storing up future issues for them if they watch their mother being treated the way you have been.
He might tip up with generous gifts or be ‘ok’ now and again but that’s the cycle of abuse for you.
Yes, it will mean change, but make the change. Over time you can work on a property or move to another one. It’s not your forever home, but it is a place of safety.
If he was any kind of decent man, who was just aware his marriage was ending, he would move out but he’d never going to do that.
Your posts haven’t been the most extreme in terms of abuse but this man treats you, and his own children, with absolute contempt.
Embrace the pebble dash for a bit and go and live without walking on eggshells. You have been ground down. Now it’s time to build something for you and your children.
You sound like a lovely mum and a great friend, too.

OP this is a very long thread and you've had tons of advice.
All I can add is that as soon as you started to explain about his behaviour around his birthday, and the background with his father, along with mentions of other abuse, my thoughts went straight to a personality disorder. I'm not a psychiatrist, or anything of that nature, however I have lived through this myself and can relate to exactly what you are describing. I am undoubtedly older than you and have now been married twice. The first time to a sociopath, second one had an emotionally unstable personality disorder, extreme ADHD, and I suspect bi-polar into the bargain as well. The difficulty with both of them was that they were both extremely engaging (and yes funny), when not having a (usually verbally) violent outburst.
The common denominator for PD's is having abuse or trauma during childhood and a disproportionate fear of rejection. This would fit the bill around the birthdays/father's day etc... it is diagnosed on the mental health DSM scale via mental health services and the outlook is bleak. A form of therapy called Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT) seems to be the only form of therapy that is used and that's if the person actually wants help. Also they have to be self harming, and my exH didn't do that. He only went to a few sessions then said the person trying to help him was awuls/didn't like him (rejection there and there), and he discharged himself. This is a common pattern. They look for rejection in everything and you can NEVER make them happy. I can remember birthdays that I arranged weekends away with our best friends joining us for a surprise meal, and all he could say when I told him was "I"m not sure whether I want them to come" ... I mean wtaf... His moods and temper went from 0-100 in a split second. There were many incidents in our household and he was able to control it enough to never do it in front of my DC or his DD. I ended it finally when he called me a c*. My pride just kicked in and that was it. My gut had been telling me for ages to leave him, and ten years down the line I am free and have never been happier, but most of all, I protected my children from the damage that relationship would have undoubtedly caused.
I am still close to Dsd and she still has to endure his moods and outbursts but is in the medical field now herself and so she does have some understanding of the difficulties her father has.
I wouldn't consider myself damaged, I am a survivor, as are you; you will undoubtably go though a grieving period. We all do. I do know that for myself, I will never, ever, share my home again, never make myself vulnerable in that way. I am lucky enough to have two very stable adult DC, now living independently and I adore my life with my 2 dogs and a cat and the peace they bring.
Your own personal pain in leaving this man and your new build, is nothing compared to the pain of knowing you have damaged your children should you stay with him. I wish you bravery and luck moving forward.

are you married to a grown up child?
unbelievable behaviour!!
put him on the naughty step for a few weeks!

You've made the decision to split with your husband - well done.
The property you are being offered doesn't sound great - (especially when you have a properly adapted house for your youngesters). It is such a big decision for you to make alone - is it possible to ask your mum to come and look at it with you to help with your decision.
Also, if your soon to be ex is on a reasonable salary, is he really 'entitled' to be in a HA property? Especially one designed for a family/adapted for a specific need. Could you check with the HA about that.
Also, if he has to leave the property, then it is his actions that have led to it, not yours.

That’s an interesting thought from @Mumofoneandone have you spoken in depth to your housing association and discussed your son’s needs. have you fully explored all alternative accommodation, the one you’ve been offered did have a big list of disadvantages.
I do agree you need to be away from your husband but I don’t think you should rush into this decision. you say you will lose your points if you refuse but have you clearly discussed with the council your children’s needs. It seems ridiculous that they can just turf you off the list when the property they have offered is so unsuitable.

That garden will be amazing when.its been sorted. Much better than the teeny one you've got. Just need a Gardner to sort it.

There's no reason you can't have a trampoline.

I think on paper it is deemed a suitable property - 3 bedrooms, a garden, bathroom, kitchen etc. It’s also in one of the areas I ticked but there wasn’t many options which had bus links to my sons comp.

Where I am is not an officially adapted property - all the HA new builds are built to be suitable for a disabled person to live there such as no steps, very wide hallways, wet rooms etc and H and I have had to put locks on various rooms/cupboards to stop our little one getting into mischief.

Yeah it does seem harsh. In my circumstances you get one opinion only and if it’s refused you remain on the list but lose all points.

Yes only one option for you - you won't leave sadly. You need to get support from women's aid ie counselling - he will kick off again - I put my children first and left.

He sounds depressed.