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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH behaved horribly on his birthday

889 replies

RainbowStriped · 06/02/2025 09:23

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

OP posts:
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MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/02/2025 07:33

I would just love to have a garden, OP. Surely you can fix it up?

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 07:40

Morning everyone, I still haven’t fully decided 🤦🏻‍♀️ Such a huge, life changing decision. I’ll be honest and say that I never wanted to live rurally and so far away from the city (I don’t drive either) But the village I’m in has so much history now for my family and so many memories. It will be so hard to leave all that behind.

Oldest has in the past said how lucky I was to grow up in a city and has moaned about how there’s nothing to do here! Weekends and summer holidays will be nice as we would have access to so much more activities etc.

But the area just isn’t v.nice at all. I have heard that it’s not as bad as it used to be though.

I still feel like I will grieve the marital home and lovely little village. Sorry, rambling! Things are different now though as I don’t really see any of the parents anymore, no school runs. Just a couple of Mums I see for coffees once in a while.

Going to visit the area again today.

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 07:42

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 18/02/2025 07:33

I would just love to have a garden, OP. Surely you can fix it up?

I’m rubbish at gardening but I’m trying to see the potential 🪴 That’s why I got Astroturf- I can’t kill it 😆

OP posts:
user1471446186 · 18/02/2025 07:53

I get that it feels like a huge decision, it’s like a sliding door moment for you. You know deep down that getting him to leave is going to be hard and it sounds like he has left before but is back so what would be different this time? Your fixation on your house is understandable because this is scary but you can’t prioritise your feelings about how nice your home is when living there is toxic for you and your children. Being able to say hello to someone at the shop or having nice memories are not reasons to stay. You know this which is why the decision is so hard.

and I think that garden could be really lovely.

Phineyj · 18/02/2025 08:04

I think that garden is very sortable! You need something around the edge (bamboo fencing?) that you can put a bench against (facing away from the undergrowth!) and a few bright planters in the middle to draw attention from the outside (spring bulbs followed by pansies in black rubble buckets would work, and be cheap).

You can get quite nice looking wood effect recycled plastic benches now that are attractive colours and need no maintenance.

Regarding missing the nice village - I totally get that. I was in a job a few years ago where I loved the place (historic, quirky) and had great friends. But it was really toxic and I needed to leave.

I know I made the right decision but I still get little pangs about it all.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 18/02/2025 08:10

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 07:27

This is the garden - please help! Is it as bad as I think?!

I'd prefer this to a tiny square of astro turf by a million miles!

Gemmawemma9 · 18/02/2025 08:43

Bumblebeestiltskin · 18/02/2025 08:10

I'd prefer this to a tiny square of astro turf by a million miles!

Me too! That’s a garden with so much potential! Miles nicer than a body horrible new build garden with no life or character.
Also Astro turf is horrible.

Nationsss · 18/02/2025 08:58

Wow op, so much potential in that garden and it definitely could take a trampoline.

The opportunities for your children and yourself are so much better long term near an urban setting.
Part time jobs for your son as he gets older is one.

I think it sounds like it could be a very positive move.

Don't stay for a few mums that you see occasionally.

They would probably love to visit you where there is actual stuff going on.

MinnieGirl · 18/02/2025 10:13

Don't worry too much about it being a deprived area. I have lived in one for 28 years, and while it is deprived, my neighbours are lovely. We can walk to the high street and are in a mainline route to London and the coast. Have a look around. Walk around the neighbourhood. I know you have memories in your village, but you also have memories of your husband's horrid behaviour.

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 10:23

MinnieGirl · 18/02/2025 10:13

Don't worry too much about it being a deprived area. I have lived in one for 28 years, and while it is deprived, my neighbours are lovely. We can walk to the high street and are in a mainline route to London and the coast. Have a look around. Walk around the neighbourhood. I know you have memories in your village, but you also have memories of your husband's horrid behaviour.

The area, although deprived, actually has stunning views of the coast and the city. When I’ve walked around there - in the day - all is quiet.

Yes although I have lovely memories in this village- I also have very bad ones too.

OP posts:
RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 10:41

I just feel like what I’m doing is so extreme and I worry I’m making a terrible mistake 😢

OP posts:
whatapalarva · 18/02/2025 10:43

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 10:23

The area, although deprived, actually has stunning views of the coast and the city. When I’ve walked around there - in the day - all is quiet.

Yes although I have lovely memories in this village- I also have very bad ones too.

Can you go around at night and different times of the day to check out what its like? And chat to the neighbours before accepting?

Agapornis · 18/02/2025 10:49

Looks like a low maintenance wildlife friendly garden, and looking at wildlife will improve your wellbeing. Grass, ivy, trees (willow?). I can't see any brambles? In any case you'd have blackberries. Looks like there is a base for a greenhouse where you could put a trampoline.

OnYerselfHen · 18/02/2025 10:54

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 10:41

I just feel like what I’m doing is so extreme and I worry I’m making a terrible mistake 😢

This is true of any big decision you make, particularly one that will change your life. Do you have someone you can talk it through in person? Such as a therapist?

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 11:26

OnYerselfHen · 18/02/2025 10:54

This is true of any big decision you make, particularly one that will change your life. Do you have someone you can talk it through in person? Such as a therapist?

Yes, I’m seeing her this week.

OP posts:
thescandalwascontained · 18/02/2025 12:50

I would take the council house. Location long term is better and it will be yours, entirely yours.

The garden is sortable.

Newbie8918 · 18/02/2025 14:10

This all must seem so daunting for you! It’s so tough!

Nottodaythankyou123 · 18/02/2025 14:25

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 10:41

I just feel like what I’m doing is so extreme and I worry I’m making a terrible mistake 😢

Is it more or less of a terrible mistake than staying with your abusive husband? Respectfully, because I can’t imagine how hard it must be, if he’s as awful as your posts say then I think you’re projecting on the house / area / garden to avoid confronting the reality that it means the end of your marriage. This house, and the area, may not be perfect, but it’s safe for you and your children in a way that your current house is not

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 18/02/2025 14:31

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 10:41

I just feel like what I’m doing is so extreme and I worry I’m making a terrible mistake 😢

That's because of the unknown OP.
You don't know if it's a good thing or not, moving out of the mh.

WA helped my friend to get out of the house she shared with her abusive partner while professionals got him out.
His family owned the house, my friend still paid rent and she was able to stay in the home (despite the bad memories there) as it was stable for the children.

As for taking the first thing that comes along, I was bullied into taking a property in a rough area. One kitchen window was broken and there were exposed wires here there and everywhere. I'd signed the contract and had the keys but it didn't feel right so I spoke with my housing officer (we were in emergency accommodation through the council) and I was able to give the keys back. Contract made null and void and I moved closer to where I wanted to be.

If you really don't want to move out then speak to WA again about how to get him out and keep you in.
You're the wife, the mother. You should be able to keep the house.

But a fresh start could be just the ticket.
That garden is amazing. So much potential. I don't have green fingers but I'd love to have a crack at that. Involve the oldest?

Good luck again

Omgblueskys · 18/02/2025 14:31

Hi op have you explained situation to your HA , as home is adapted for son, they may be able to support your xh to move out by offering him a one bed flat somewhere??, advice would be helpful from them, please ask them 🙏

Isittimeformynapyet · 18/02/2025 16:01

comeondover · 06/02/2025 11:24

Aagh I pressed the wrong button, sorry! I don't think I can change it. YANBU

Did you try?

You can actually change your vote.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2025 16:23

RainbowStriped · 18/02/2025 07:27

This is the garden - please help! Is it as bad as I think?!

That isn't as bad as you think it is. It is winter after all and most gardens in winter are not at their best.

Also if you have astroturf in your current garden, of course it's going to look pristine at the worst times of the year. It's artificial. Something could be done for your child to help by getting a trampoline set up quickly. The fences/boundaries in the garden could be sorted in due course but the trampoline could be set up quite quickly I'd imagine.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/02/2025 17:34

@RainbowStriped

Picture your current garden with his nasty abusive arse parked in it. Now picture the raggedy new garden without his nasty abusive arse in it.

I know which one I'd prefer.

LawrenceSMarlowforPresident · 18/02/2025 18:04

I understand getting cold feet when confronted with the reality of moving out. If you refuse this house, how likely are you to receive another offer? Although it would be great if your husband left your current house, is that realistic?

In your shoes, I would take the house you have been offered. The garden looks fine, you can easily make it very nice indeed. The location sounds preferable, especially as you don't drive. Your elder child will probably appreciate the perks of town living as well. But most importantly, you and your children will be safely removed from the abusive environment you're now living in.

comeondover · 18/02/2025 22:42

Isittimeformynapyet · 18/02/2025 16:01

Did you try?

You can actually change your vote.

I did. I jabbed at my phone but nothing happened