DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Sorry you went through similar. Did you plan to leave in secret? Hope you are now living a happy and peaceful life 💕

Surely he must also behave badly at other times? I doubt someone could see no issue in behaving like this if they are normally well behaved. I’d of walked off personally so you have way more patience than me. I just had a milestone birthday and I was thrilled to have a meal out with family. I don’t know any adult that insists on their birthday being such an event.

OP I too have followed your story and wish you courage and future peace. When you describe your husband’s behaviour it sounds very extreme and utterly horrible. Surely the priority is to protect both you and your DC from future abuse and damage. He sounds as though he wishes harm to you so you need to be safe and live with peace of mind.

I far prefer the photo of the new to old garden. It looks way more natural and with more space. Surely children would prefer that to plastic grass? Don’t be daunted. You can learn about gardening and all look after it and enjoy it together. It doesn’t matter if it looks unkempt - better for nature anyhow. maybe your family will help as nearby or maybe you will make new friends who will help. Perhaps there are local volunteers or charities who help with a move like this with a disabled child or fleeing DA? Sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith and then good things come into the space. It must be so very hard to decide on your own.

It is natural to grieve the good things about your old life and your children’s earlier years, but they will make new connections, friendships and memories and find new meaning and activities nearer to hand. Lots of children have to move because of parents’ jobs, divorce, life events. They will adapt and hopefully without the constant fear of walking on a knife edge you will all have energy to create a lovely new life. May you all live well.

Yes, it’s hard. Yes it’s brutal, but your prevarication helps no one other than your DH. It helps him abuse you all, doing untold damage to your DC. They will be learning to accept this is what relationships are like. They might well grow up to behave like him, or you. Or of course he may kill you , or worse in the meantime.

If you want to stay without him in your house then you need to make it happen. I and others have advised, many of us have been there, and done it. You can too. If you want to.

@RainbowStriped - A frivolous point, perhaps, but I know it matters to you.

I love my garden. I spend most of my evenings out there in the summertime: it's a space I value. For me, the garden in the second image blows that of the first one right out of the water. It's lovely. No - it really is.

Some people would give their right arm for those mature shrubs and trees at the bottom. Their cover will give you a lot of privacy. You have a beautiful - and large! - silver birch there, do you know how lucky that is? I've planted silver birches in my own garden, as I think they're about the most beautiful trees the UK has. The ivy is good, too, provided you don't let it take over. (It doesn't kill trees, which is a popular garden myth).

Real grass beats astro turf any day. I'd start by reseeding that, and get a small mower if you don't have one. That's reasonably cheap and easy to do.

The fencing is, admittedly, ugly (but the stone wall under it is beautiful). I'd try to get the grant to replace that. The concreting at the back looks like the foundation for a former shed - I'd try to pave over the top of that with reclaimed pavers. It would be a great place for some garden furniture and a fire pit in the summer. I'd take the rest of the other half-formed path up, regrass, and instead dot stepping-stones across the lawn to the back patio (cheaper than trying to lay new paths, and look just as good). After that, one or two garden ornaments and string up some fairy lights - there are lots of trees as anchors for these! Then add a couple of well-placed garden ornaments and/or planters.

Mature gardens are a real selling point in properties. You can make gradual changes rather than all at once, but even small ones could make a big difference very quickly. Get a bird feeder! Those trees would be a haven for wildlife and you might be amazed at what comes, even in the city.

There's so much to work with here that I'd opt for the latter garden over the former one any time.

Op , leaving out of the blue is brutal. I had to do it. I left while he was at work , I had to go to family court that day to get a document to stop him taking the children from me (he'd threatened this if I left) then I had to lie about being out for evening with the kids so that he could be served those papers. But you know what? I had no choice. It was either that or keep losing more of myself to his abuse if I stayed. I regret nothing I did that day , it didn't have to be that way but he wasn't going to change. I'd begged for years.

You must leave op. You'll be fucking terrified , but you'll get it done and you'll be happy to be away.

OMFG . Today is my birthday. My mum is having work done on her house. I have done 5 tip runs and 4 charity shop runs. I got a flat battery and fixed it. I took my 23 year old to the burns clinic as she had an epileptic sieuzue which resulted in horrific burn. I got on with life and enjoyed my birthday for 10 minutes. We are adults. I dont expect a party with party bags. Get a bloody grip. Shit happens

He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Sorry OP but all I thought when I read that was ‘imagine having to have sex with a ‘man’ who’s upset that a bday banner wasn’t put up on the front door’ !!!!!!!

Is this really what women accept these days? OMG

@RainbowStriped

Once again, as with the garden, you need to picture 'with him/without him' for the house too.

You can live in a peaceful and calm home that needs some work and be happy or you can live in a tense and stressed home that doesn't and be unhappy. Again, I know which I would choose.

And although you say he's 'not as bad as he was', it's still bad enough that you don't want to put up with him anymore. For your own sake, don't minimize his behaviour or your unhappiness in order to justify staying. If you don't want to leave the new build and would prefer to put up with his bullying and abuse for the sake of staying there, then admit it: "I'd rather stay and be miserable than leave and be happy". It's a choice other women have made, but they pay a price for it in sorrow and unhappiness. But hey, they've got a 'nice' roof over their heads. It's not a choice that I would make. I'd rather eat beans in a bedsit than dine on filet mignon in a mansion with a man like that.

Don't underestimate the benefits of living in a house where you don't have to walk on eggshells and someone isn't abusing you.

When I look back now to how our home used to feel I can't believe I used to put up with it. You are doing the right thing by giving your DC a safe and healthy home. They will still experience the toxic behaviour when they have contact with their father but they will no longer be immersed in it 24/7. That is priceless.

Why are people still responding to the first post without reading the rest of the thread? It is such an irritating thing to do on any thread, but this one has moved far, far beyond the issue with the husband's reaction to his birthday.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, READ THE FULL THREAD (OR AT LEAST THE OP'S POSTS) BEFORE COMMENTING.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest.

@RainbowStripedI think you were wise to accept the house. It can be a lovely home for you and your children. I know that leaving will be emotionally difficult for you, and you may well have times when you worry you've done the wrong thing. But it is always right to leave an abusive relationship. You are doing a very brave thing.

If I were you OP I'd fight to stay in your current property rather than give it up for a grotty,cold old build property.
The garden looks awful and will need so much work,then inside the property you will need to spend a lot of money to get it looking cosy,plus its in a rough area.I really think you'll regret it if you do.
Fight to get him out and you and your kids stay where you are x

You are concentrating on leaving your lovely house, but you are being abused, this house is a way out to protect you and your children. But you move in and you get your life sorted, take a year or two, then you can look for house swaps, or get in a better financial position so you can rent somewhere in your village. This is temporary, once you are out and safe you have your whole life ahead of you to get back to where you want to be

I think that’s so awful OP. I do feel for you and can totally understand that you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. I wish I had a more advice and guidance to give, I just feel so strongly that you’re being forced into a house that doesn’t suit your needs, especially when you listed all the Cons in your post.
I know I’m going against the grain on here, but please be very careful you don’t accept and then regret it.
Are there any more organisations that can possibly help you, even your MP, do they have contacts?
I can only wish you all the very best, I wish I had answers.

Someone beat me to it - I was just going to say "is he 5?"

@MrBallensWife

How do you suggest she 'fight'? Please offer your suggestions.

It's a joint tenancy and he's made it clear he won't leave. She can't force him out. Oh, and he's abusive to boot.

Your children won’t remember how your house was decorated or if you have a ‘nice’ garden, they will remember living in a tense environment because of their Dad’s mood - take it from me. It shapes you as a person and still affects me 30+ years on.

It’s also worth noting than many many women with children have to live for years and years in horrible temporary accommodation before they are offered a home, you have been extremely fortunate and most would be snapping your hand off for this opportunity.

I don’t mean this to be rude at all, I understand it is hugely difficult, but please see the situation for what it truely is and leave for you children’s sake.

please go to the new house
The council will have to do repairs thats normal procedure here in Scotland anyway. Social worker /occupational health can get a wet room put in for your wee one. love the new garden a trampoline on a slope can work a bit of graft to dig the ground level and your sorted . fence if the council cant help see what social work say
how many years does your child have left at high school? will younger chhildren have a different catchment area? if moving eldest I assume no school bus provided

How are you still married?!

This made me laugh so much!

Thanks again everyone for all your advice and support. Taking the house would mean that I’m out of a bad situation without being stuck navigating a divorce while living with him. Of course I don’t want to look back in 6 months or a year wishing I had taken the house or that I had left.

I am concerned about not seeing my teen much, the reality is that he would choose to stay close to his school, his friends and the house that he loves with his room and all his stuff. H would stay in the house by his comp which could mean that as DS gets older he isn’t going to want to travel all that way to stay with his Mum on a school night. I am concerned about the impact this would have on our relationship. I do wish this wasn’t so hard. It definitely wouldn’t be the case of him living with me full time. He’s close to his Dad and is highly likely to prefer staying there.

It would be messy and complicated but not completely impossible to figure out. Rambling again!

You are not rambling, you are getting your thoughts down on paper... well, a screen, same thing. You are right to consider your next move, its a huge decision. Can you go back to the council and ask to speak to someone else? Really stress your need for adaptions and the urgent timeframe for them - have you tried your local MP? Sometimes they can be a great help

While that’s true about your eldest, it might still be true if you lived elsewhere in the village. He might enjoy staying with you at weekends for the access to city facilities and his friends might appreciate your location then- so you could end up seeing him more in down time.

Either way, by moving out you are protecting yourself and your youngest, and also showing both children that your H’s behaviour isn’t acceptable. That does matter. You can also be a retreat for them if H starts messing around with them and pulling his old tricks.

Nothing is easy but having a safe home is so important.

Well done for coming to an extremely difficult decision. Out of interest (sorry if you have stated in previous posts) how old is you DS? When I got divorced by son was 16 and although I moved further away, that time went so quickly and in the blink of an eye he started driving and spent more quality time with me, We went on holidays together and without my DH he began to get to know the 'real me' and understand that my situation wasn't healthy with his Dad. Now he is at Uni, I have had a few years of us spending that quality time and we are friends and he talks to me (and teases me!) and I dont regret a day that it was hard for us both initially to make it work. I wish you all the luck in the world. I hope you are writing a diary each day as I wish I had to look back on how far i have come. All I have is recordings of my Ex being a d* which does remind me too!