DH behaved horribly on his birthday

[RainbowStriped]

Long post - It was DHs birthday recently and his behaviour on the day itself was awful. The day before he had been picking fights and escalating arguments then decided his birthday had been ruined.

The day itself - in the morning I made him a coffee and wished him happy birthday. I said let’s have a fresh start today and he’s got lots to look forward to. He still insisted the day was ruined.

Got the kids ready for school, made another coffee and said to him let’s drink this then if you like you can open all your cards and presents. He said - well I’m starving, I need to eat, I thought you would have organised a special breakfast before (!) the kids went to school but nothings been done. Now DH literally never eats breakfast, he doesn’t eat until 1pm and always says how breakfast is pointless. He mentioned how much fuss I give the children on their birthday mornings and make homemade pancakes, eggs etc. (Yes I do and only when they are off school) He said he would have to go out for breakfast now. Nothing has been organised for him. (He drove me to the point of lunacy where I ended up screaming into a pillow!) So basically we were going for a 3 course meal at 12pm so I was taken aback that he wanted to go out for a cooked breakfast. He got up and announced that he would have to make do with a McDonald’s breakfast, am I coming or what? Not to rock the boat further I joined him.

Came home, laid out all his gifts and cards, balloons, banners etc. I have never seen anyone look more miserable opening presents before. A couple of the clothes I bought him he instantly said no I can’t wear that, I hate the feel of them. Made fun of a book I ordered him (it was a self published book) and generally looked underwhelmed. (I spent quite a bit on him)

Drove to the meal - we were quite early and we passed a supermarket on the way. He said - am I going to have to buy my own birthday cake then? He knew it had been sorted but I couldn’t say too much as it was a special cake. He then moaned that there was nothing in the house to eat that evening, no cream and ice cream to go with the cake, no treats, nothings been done. He asked are we having an evening buffet and I said no, we are having a big meal and lots of birthday cake, I didn’t think he wanted a big buffet too? (He knows he’s having a separate party soon in our house with a big buffet) He stormed into the supermarket saying nothings been done and he would have to sort everything 😠

Meal -he had a face like a slapped arse when we walked in (meeting family) family asked me what was up with him. He sat in silence for most of the meal saying that nobody was bothered to talk to him, glared at me saying I was ignoring him (I was happily chatting to his family and making an effort to dispel the weird atmosphere. His family asked what we were doing tonight and he looked me dead in the eye and said well nothings been organised. I said we were doing something in a few days at home(buffet etc) He didn’t mention that and made out I wasn’t bothered to organise anything. He bucked up a bit when the cake came out and looked happier.

Evening - our kids watched him open his other gifts (from friends and family) he was dismissive of most of them and again made fun of the gifts I bought him (he refused to give me any ideas or hints about what he might actually want) Our kids said OMG Dad, you are so ungrateful! Mum (and others) has spent all this money on you and you should appreciate all your gifts. He moaned that i hadn’t put a banner on our front door.

Eventually, late into the evening he thanked me for all the gifts and wanted to cuddle up on the sofa. He also asked - are you going to do a loving Facebook post wishing me a happy birthday? Am I fuck! Essentially he acted like a gigantic entitled knob. His excuse was that he goes into a black hole on his birthday due to him being estranged from his Dad and not receiving a birthday card etc.

His behaviour was so awful and twattish that it made me feel physically ill. I honestly feel like he is driving me towards a nervous breakdown.

Maybe MNHQ have changed it, @comeondover - I have changed my vote in the past, but just checked, and I can't change it now. Or maybe it's like editing, and you can only change your vote for 15 minutes after voting?

No idea but I realised straightaway and tried to change it then

Hi everyone, another quick update. I have verbally accepted the property to hold it - however I haven’t officially signed anything yet. I still have doubts, what I’ve done feels so brutal and extreme. I have doubts about the house itself too as it’s an old property that could potentially have issues compared to what I’m in now. Once I’ve officially accepted it/signed the contract/taken my name off my current tenancy that’s it - it will be what I am stuck with - a much older house/possibly in poor condition compared with new housing association homes. I’m currently swinging between feeling like I could possibly make it work and feeling like - god what am I doing?!

It’s difficult - one offer and that’s it. I really envy the couples that split up and can choose where they will live, choose their home or even buy a new home. It feels brutal like I’m not being given any say, I know I probably sound ungrateful!

Part of me now regrets doing something so so extreme! The reality is terrifying 😦

A minute later and I’m thinking that perhaps it could work? My head is a mess!

Ideally - my housing association have lovely new builds which are pretty similar to what I’m in now, ideally I would be much much nearer to my sons school and our area as it really does feel so far away although it does have benefits in the school holidays and weekends etc.

We often get paralysed by indecision because the ‘right’ option isn’t out there. But choices are rarely permanent. You make the best of it, then if necessary you do something better. You take the least worst course of action, and improve things as and when you can.

It’s the best choice for right now. in future there will be better options so look forward to those!

You have a house to go to. A new home.
You've been offered an older, solid house.
Not good enough for you though. You'd like your pick of houses would you?
I can't fathom how you are so fussy and ungrateful.

Oh Come on.
She's got a very tight deadline to weigh up all the pros and cons.
She's allowed to talk it through and get views, before she takes that leap of faith.
That's not ungrateful that's sensible.

Your terrible mistake is not to get out of the marriage, and protect your DC from more abuse. You have been offered so much advice on how you might do this, and how you might be able to stay put but you don’t acknowledge this.

It won’t be easy, you’ll feel like shit I dare say , it won’t be amicable but it’ll be the start of a new life. It’s easier to spend hours agonising here though.

I think that's extremely harsh when her whole world is turning upside down and his won't

And he has family support and she has no-one

I am acknowledging all the advice I have received on here, I’m so grateful for everyone’s input. I’m weighing up every single piece of advice I’ve received and how it will affect mine and the children’s lives. Including taking the house or of course staying and fighting for your home I’m in right now. It’s so bloody hard. Leaving out of the blue feels fucking brutal! (Sorry for the swearing)

Please don’t be that person! Your post lacks any sort of empathy of what the OP is going through. Her whole life (and her children’s) is about to change! Making a well thought out decision based on facts and taking time to do it, is the right thing to do!

You can’t prioritise his feelings anymore. He doesn’t prioritise yours.

You are trained up in the art of accommodating him for an apparently easier life but it’s time to prioritise you and the dc now.

@RainbowStriped I would accept the house you've been offered and then try to get something more suitable later on.

I think it is perfectly valid to want to live closer to your child's school. And if you had concerns about the new property being unsafe, for example, black mould on the walls, then yes, that would be a valid reason to not want to move into it.

But if you're complaining about the garden or your general impression of the neighbourhood, most people are going to assume that you are not actually being domestically abused, because if you were you would be desperate to move.

This must feel like a life changing decision - because it is - but you’ve been handed a gift here. From the pro’s, I think even with half the pro’s versus cons you’ll be in a better situation if you take it. You can make it your own, and doing it up can become a focus for you and the kids, to help you all heal and have a safe warm home of your own. And it doesn’t have to be forever if you don’t like it - but it will get you out of the clutches of your husband, with an opportunity to rebuild.

There is no pro/con when it comes to safe/unsafe.

You choose immediate safety for yourself and your children. You choose to be out of the abuse you have been victim to and that your children have experienced and/or witnessed. There is nothing else to consider. This house is a lifeline, a jumping off point to your better future. It doesn’t have to have a perfect garden.

The biggest plus in its box is the lack of horrible abusive man inside it. What else matters right now!?

@RainbowStriped I think the garden looks like it would be great . You don’t need to be good at gardening to nip branches down and tidy up . Im sure a trampoline would sit no problem.
You can pay someone local I’m sure to help with bits you get stuck on .

It’s always daunting dealing with the unknown. .
Deprived areas tend to be the closest. Everyone has nothing but still shares .
For what it’s worth I think you should take the house and are doing the right thing .
Keep strong . There is no better feeling than walking in a door and closing it behind you and it’s peace . Focus on that for you and your kids .

Exciting times 😊

I don't know, if things were as bad as you say they are having a nice carpet and lawn wouldn't be a big deal to me. You are prioritizing a cosy house over a safe one.

Madness

Is there a way you could move there in stages - visit it to renovate and clear the garden, then move the children in once it’s habitable?

This man sounds like the biggest bloody child lmao

He genuinely sounds like Muffin from Bluey

Yes definitely. It would take a good few weeks/a month to sort. I know it sounds like I’m so ungrateful and dithery about the offer I’ve received. I also understand how some might think that - what’s she playing at? If things were that bad or if she was being genuinely abused why isn’t she running for the hills?!

Emotional/verbal abuse is complicated- he isn’t terrorising our family 24 hours a day, it doesn’t work that way - it can also feel like because it’s not physical - it isn’t as bad as a women who is being physically abused. To give an idea - the worst abuse happened when I was pregnant and when our children were much younger - name calling, threats to physically harm me, threats to end his own life, telling me to go and k!ll myself threats to urinate on my clothes and saying terrible things about my parenting like I am indifferent to my children and that I ignored my son for the first two years of his life. Things were very very bad. We couldn’t go a day without fighting.

Things are much calmer now - I wouldn’t say I’m at immediate risk of harm but all love and trust have gone. I can’t bear him physically touching me. Day to day things are not as volatile as they were.

I do have doubts about what I have done. Being preoccupied about my current house vs the one I’ve been offered just means I’m weighing up the pros and cons of my final decision. Staying and making him leave or just leaving myself ASAP but losing everything and being so far away.

OP you HAVE to save your kids from this abusive home.

Take the house
You can put in for a move/swap/whatever at a later date if you choose to
But if you turn it down, you are pretty much stuck where you are

Have a look at some house rennovations on budgets on Instagram. There are some incredible makeovers done very cheaply - lots of brown council houses and worse! I'm pretty sure @theshoestringhome is an ex-counci house and whilst it may not be to your taste, it's all done 'on a shoestring'. You might feel inspired and begin to imagine the home that you could make, with your stamp on it.

I realise you can't do massive rennovations on council homes, but you can ABSOLUTELY beautify them and make them somewhere joyful to come to. And that's what you deserve - joy,

Take the house!

he is setting you up to fail. it is to make you the problem and responsible for how he feels on his big day. it is behaviour to make you pander. Step back from his drama making. And do not give it an audience

Take the house, OP. I'm from a country where a woman's only option in your situation is a short-term shelter and if you have a son older than 10, he'd have to stay in foster care.

You'll figure out how to live successfully in this home and, like you said, it can be temporary when you find another to swap. OR, you might find you like it. You can have your one DC who's capable help you fix it up. It won't be perfect, but your mind will be free from the stress of living in an abusive home. Freedom is worth it. You just can't see it yet.

What happens when you decide to stay where you are and make him leave - but he doesn’t leave?? And you have no lifeline or place to run away to and he gets worse again, because men always do when they know you’re trying to escape. Take the house and run.