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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

355 replies

Chunkychips23 · 06/02/2025 08:40

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

OP posts:
CatherinedeBourgh · 06/02/2025 08:43

Can't he drive you to your mum's before and pick you up after?

hello261 · 06/02/2025 08:44

Yes id pissed off too but given the circumstances could you not explain to your mum and take her for lunch or invite her over another day. Alternatively ask your partner to get his in laws to take your 14 month old so you could go alone for lunch?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 06/02/2025 08:46

You don't need a car seat in a taxi.

nocoolnamesleft · 06/02/2025 08:47

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 06/02/2025 08:46

You don't need a car seat in a taxi.

Taxis crash too.

Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 08:48

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 08:49

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Originblueberry · 06/02/2025 08:50

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Disturbia81 · 06/02/2025 08:51

In this case I'd meet her a different day for lunch or ask again for a lift from family.

savoycabbage · 06/02/2025 08:52

I think that as he's been invited to an event that he absolutely loves and is important to him that it is ok for him to prioritise it over your mother's birthday.

I think it's a separate issue that his mother makes you feel guilty for not attending family events. That's something that you need to look at and change for yourself. Don't let yourself be pushed around by your MIL for the rest of your life.

He's being unreasonable to say you have no right to feel disappointed or let down though.

Checkhov · 06/02/2025 08:53

This would annoy me, but then I can't stand most sport and the culture around it. I think trying to go alone will be too much for you OP.

Vaxtable · 06/02/2025 08:54

If he won’t come with you as the sporting event is more important or take you or pick you up or no one n your family can help then I wouldn’t go and would see mum some other time

But I wouldn’t go to hys family things either if I didn’t want to and he gas to accept that

Whilst you say you won’t tell him not to go either way you lose as he is not going to not go. So you will resent him for going, or he will resent you for stopping him.

Best for me would be you resenting him as that will now allow you to miss his family events

MayaPinion · 06/02/2025 08:54

Can he drop you at your mums the night before and pick you up the day after? I have to admit, in his shoes I’d be loathe to give up such a great opportunity.

MissUltraViolet · 06/02/2025 08:54

It’s a one off, all bells and whistles tickets to a sport he’s really passionate about, so I’d understand why he wouldn’t want to turn that down for a lunch tbh.

I actually think it’s more shitty that none of your family will help you out knowing you’re heavily pregnant with another DC.

gannett · 06/02/2025 08:55

I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

Well this has to change for starters. He doesn't get to skip out on your family gatherings but expect full attendance from you at his. There isn't a chance I'd let anyone give me grief over that.

Free tickets for something he can't usually afford is pretty special so while it's understandable you're disappointed, I wouldn't be passing up the opportunity in his shoes. However he doesn't get to make you feel bad about it and I'd be very clear that he owes me a big favour - you're going to have a slightly worse time because he's having a much better time, so turn and turn about needs to happen. Start thinking about what you want that favour to be!

WhatNoRaisins · 06/02/2025 08:56

Seeing as this has been planned for a while I think his behaviour is pretty shitty.

SJM1988 · 06/02/2025 08:56

I don't think you are unreasonable to be annoyed about it due to the logistic problems it creates but also I don't think he is unreasonable to want to go to his event either considering the circumstances.

If you have the option for a taxi then take that not the train.

I would also remind him of this next time you get pressure to go to one of his family events and don't want to or have other plans.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 06/02/2025 08:57

I was totally on his side until the bit about how you have to go to all his family things on pain of death. He will definitely have to rethink that from now on in.

Coffeeishot · 06/02/2025 08:59

Your husband sounds selfish and full of his own self importance. I don't think you should put yourself out because your husband prefers his hospitality at his sport nobody is willing to help you either and you don't want to faff about with public transport and a car seat the only solution is to miss the lunch.

CaptainFuture · 06/02/2025 09:01

How far is it? If you could drive would the issue still stand?
There's multiple posts on here how frustrating it is to be the only driver and needed to be on hand for all journeys.

Bankholidayhelp · 06/02/2025 09:02

MayaPinion · 06/02/2025 08:54

Can he drop you at your mums the night before and pick you up the day after? I have to admit, in his shoes I’d be loathe to give up such a great opportunity.

I think this could be a solution. Or if there's not enough space at your mum's book a premier inn or something close to party place. Then either back home after, (and then you can just slump once you are home) another night away and/or he picks you up after his sport/next day..

BogRollBOGOF · 06/02/2025 09:02

Can you stay with your mum and DH drop you before and after?

Is a taxi viable all the way?

I never carried babies in the car seat, it's a horribly clunky way to carry a weight. I did manage to use baby carriers until quite long into an SPD pregnancy (it was actually better aligned and less painful than using the buggy)

He's not unreasonable for wanting to accept the sporting opportunity, but he is unreasonable for having a shirty attitude about the transport issues he's creating for a heavily pregnant wife in pain and obstructing her pre-existing plans.

NerrSnerr · 06/02/2025 09:04

You don't need to go to all his family events. If you get grief for it just limit contact and do that via your husband.

He does have a point about the diving, this wouldn't be an issue if you could drive yourself there. I think it's worth thinking about the future- especially with more than one child as they often need to be in different places at the same time.

Coffeeishot · 06/02/2025 09:04

The issue isn't the op being a non driver the issue is the husband opting out of attending a family event for hospitality at a sports game.

soarklyknobs · 06/02/2025 09:07

First, he needs to write down that you absolutely do not have to attend any of his family events in the future. You will not be guilted or blamed for non-attendance and he will happily take the kids on his own and he will defend you with a fiery fury to anyone who slags you off for non-attendance.

I say get him to write it down as it will save any arguments in the future, because you can just wave the paper at him and send him on his way.

Secondly, he needs to commit to set times and dates and payments for you to learn to drive once the baby is here and settled (assuming you don't have any health problems preventing this).

He's correct in that driving is a life skill which will make so many things easier, but it takes childfree time and money to learn, so he may have to miss weekend activities or use his annual leave to be a parent while you take lessons and tests and spend family money to get this done.

If he agrees to all this, then let him go, you know he'll just be miserable if you force him to come anyway.

Shinyandnew1 · 06/02/2025 09:07

If someone offered me a once in a lifetime ticket to some I really wanted to go to and would not be able to afford, rather than go for lunch with my mother in law, I would take it! I think he has a point about the driving as well-I would have to be solely responsible for being the only driver in the house.

Can you get him to drop you if you stay at your mum's the night before/after? Otherwise if you really don't want to do that journey, take your mum out for lunch another day.