AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

The OP has literally said that she wouldn't usually be bothered but it means lugging the 14 month old on the train so the driving is a big part of it.

If the OP had an event that she'd been given tickets to and wouldn't usually be able to afford and missing MIL's birthday everyone would tell her to go.

I'm a mother in law and I absolutely would NOT want either of my sons in law to miss an amazing opportunity and sit at my birthday lunch wishing they were somewhere else. So I disagree entirely with those saying that he's unreasonable to miss the lunch. Who wants someone there on sufferance? My disappointment, if any, would be very mild, compared to my pleasure that he had the opportunity and the connection to his late dad.

But yes, I get the inconvenience to you, and it's a shame your family members can't help.

How far away is the lunch?

Can he drive you in advance and pick you up the next day.

I'm with him that bells and whistle tickets for a sporting event would be really hard to turn down.

Particularly as it sounds like you're not bothered about him being there, but rather having a chauffeur.

Or can you get a cab the whole way?

Being the sole driver in a family is onerous. I can see his frustration. Your choice not to drive is impacting him

14 month old in buggy. Someone would help you on and off the train

Perhaps someone could drop others at restaurant and then come to pick you up at the sration. But, dont take this for granted. Wouldnt be necessary if you learn to drive

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi.

So if you are not bothered about him actually being there but just want him to drive you, then you not driving IS an issue. I'd tell him that you will be booking driving lessons asap when you're fit after the birth, eg Saturday mornings, so he will need to keep those free!

I would start to miss a few of his family events as well and tell him that you will expect his support if his mum cries! It sounds like a win win for you going forwards, to be honest!

I'd want him to go to the sporting event because it sounds as if it would be amazing for him but I'd be pretty pissed off with his attitude towards you! He could at least be a bit more thoughtful and understanding.
Could he drop you all off at your mum's the night before, or early morning?

To the poster that said you don't need car seats in a taxi and another poster's reply that taxis crash too, yes they do but the poster was correct that you don't need to use a car seat in one. Obviously not very safe though.

Agreed they can’t ALL have 5 people in a car?!

Exactly this. A high profile sporting event probably with corporate hospitality etc versus your mum's birthday? I honestly wouldn't expect my DH to choose the latter unless he had a history of being a selfish arsehole. I can't believe your family aren't helping you more to attend.

Sorry OP but I’d pick a sporting event over MILs birthday- I know you’re pregnant but it’s a train and a taxi not a hike up Ben Nevis you’ll cope and presumably don’t need your DH glued by your side all the time?

I agree with this. It’s not like he’s skipping out to go to the gym or something he does on the regular. Yes- it’s annoying and inconvenient for you but I think you just have to suck it up on this occasion. Plus it’s an occasion to bank the time for yourself later for something you want to do, or something you want to miss. Like you get to pretend to be ill and not go to the next family event of his that you don’t want to go to and he has to take the children alone and you get a free day to yourself. That would be a fair compromise for me.

If I was your Mum I'd just come and pick you up rather than make my son in law miss his event.

It’s the short notice why family can’t accommodate. They have their own cars full with their kids. If it had been a bit more notice, someone would have been able to accommodate. He’s literally sprung this on me whilst he’s away with work.

My mum never gets to be the one who relaxes, so I don’t want her to have to drive, when it’s her birthday and can actually have a drink for a change. She’s worrying about it now and stressing about me getting there. I don’t want to put that on her, she’s got enough going on and has done so much to help us. My last pregnancy was high risk to the point of risk of death and I was very unwell postpartum and she was the only person to help. And she will again with number 2, so I feel like she does more than enough.

I usually have no problem getting around. It’s just the past few weeks have become increasingly difficult. It’s like I’ve lost all my muscle mass and have turned into a total weakling 😂 DH doesn’t drive us around generally, as we live in a city, so I can get around easy enough. Even if I drove, I’d still be struggling. I tried loading the car seat in the other day and couldn’t do it. I can’t even lift the pram base without difficulty. Bump gets in the way, I feel like I have no strength and it causes shooting nerve pain.

I can ask strangers for help, so he’s right about that. I just no not all taxi drivers are willing to assist. I have no option to get the train and then the taxi to the venue.

There has been issues with my MIL, but that’s a whole other can of worms. He just doesn’t stand up to her very well. He pressures me to go because he’ll get hassled. I don’t feel comfortable with DC being alone with MIL either as she refuses to do any type of baby care and has all the excuses under the sun. DC gets very upset and stressed when with her too, so I wouldn’t be comfortable with her taking him.

Yeah I think this is far worse than what your AIBU is actually about!!!

I think it’s ok to miss a family thing as a one off. It’s just a lunch.

Is it a special birthday for your mum?

Can you and your husband take her out the weekend before or after? So she gets another lunch and celebration.

The main problem is you getting there so say sorry you can’t make it but would love to take her out another time.

I’d absolutely say to him to go, OP — but as the lunch was arranged first, and he’s the one changing the plans, can he please sort childcare for the day so you don’t have to worry about the toddler.

Yes it's not so much him wanting to prioritise the sporting event over your DM's birthday celebration it's his uncaring and unpleasant dismissal of the welfare of you and his dc. He really doesn't care so long as he gets his day out enjoying himself.
I think it bodes ill for the future because if he doesn't care about his heavily pregnant wife who is suffering a painful health condition and his young DC he will always, when the chips are down, put himself and what he wants first.

The op might say they "don't mind" doesn't make the husband right though does it ? Some things imo are non negotiable in a Marriage /ltr a pre arranged family meal is one of them. So her being a non driver Is just a stick to beat her with.

What’s the problem with a taxi all the way there? You say your child doesn’t like the car seat so that’s why you don’t want to get a cab, but if the original plan was to drive there anyway the child would have still had to endure the car seat?

Can you go the night before? Can one of his family babysit? Can some people who live closer get a cab so there is free space in the car to pick you up? Personally it’s only one day, I’d probably just suck it up and go. Sounds such an amazing opportunity for your husband, I bet you or your family wouldn’t want him to miss it for the sake of a lunch.

Can you go to your mum's the night before and maybe spend the night of the lunch with her?

He goes to a fair few events and I have no issue. I think I’m just being precious about it because it was so last minute, worried about how I’m going to physically manage it, I’m stressing about it and very hormonal

Do you have to bring the toddler or can you get a sitter for a few hours and go alone? It’s unfortunate timing but if I was your dh I’d be going to the sporting event too and not lunch with mil.
Surely someone in the family group that’s going to the lunch can collect you no?
Definitely think about learning to drive, it’s not fair for one person to be relied on for all the driving especially with kids. You’ll have years of school, parties, sports, activities etc that you’ll need to drive to at some point.