AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

Then he better not insist she goes to his family events

If you've got Uber then you can book Uber assist - they are designed to help you if you need it. Train should be OK as baby can stay in the pram.

Take a taxi the whole way and forget the train or have DH drop you at your mums in the morning before he leaves or the night before?

This - I would make it very clear that you understand what a good opportunity it is (but assume it is an annual event) and you aren’t going to stop him but he needs to take a minute and see exactly what going will mean and accept responsibility for that. You do get driving but that is what he signed up for knowing this and he can’t use it in this way.

then also he has made I think a statement regarding attendance at family events on the other side - deciding not to go sets a precedent and one that if you feel that you don’t want to or cant go to his family events yiu will be using - to be honest given what you have said about the relationship with your in laws this would be worth the stress - he needs to stop with the hassle now

I understand your relatives have full cars on their way to the venue, but could one of them leave the passengers at the venue then drive to the station to pick you up instead of a taxi?

Long term solution is to learn to drive
it’s a pain but I had to bite the bullet and do it before I had kids for senarios just like this

would your mum change the day ?
can you leave kids with anyone and go alone ?
charge venue to near you ?

if there are no solutions you have to go but I’d cut it short and get taxi home early

If he goes to a fair few events then another will come up so just say no or don't go to your mums how would he feel about that?

I don't know why you think it's funny that it's ok for men/husbands to opt out of pre arranged things because they would prefer to go to the bar. at the rugby and "network" because that's what it boils down to. Just my opinion of course

It’s horrribly rude to cancel an existing social engagement just because you’ve had a better offer. And that’s quite aside from how hard it makes your life with wrangling a toddler when you’re pregnant. He needs to shape up.

As it is we will just focus on a woman not driving and making it awkward for her husband

I think it is what it is. People do what they want to do. It wouldn't make me happier or love him more that he was dumping my family for a shindig, but whatever. It's not a deal breaker.

I'd just take a cab all the way there and back. Dont be a martyr, he's certainly not.

I dont think he would go to the sporting event, he has a prior agreement in his diary. Is this a booked lunch for a special birthday at a restaurant?

Sporting events happen all the bloody time. Ask whoever invited him to think of him for next time please. If it’s some corporate thing they will be able to go to the next one.

Learn to drive.

You are aware that many, many posters have also said that she shouldn't go to all of his family events too and he needs to step up to ensure she doesn't get grief for this.

is the venue close enough to your mums that you could walk?
Could he drop you the night before, stay at your mums, go to the venue, and stay at your mums the night of it?

I think it's really sad that when you are heavily pregnant with HIS child you are feeling guilty for having problems coping physically with certain situations.

It should be him feeling guilty for not caring enough.

Also given your update that this is not a "one off" treat for him, that he regularly goes to events, he sounds an even more entitled, selfish person.

I would have thought your mum should be taking the stress off you going at all given the circumstances.

If he wants to go to the sporting event he has to-

a. Come up with a realistic way of getting you to and from the family event - eg him dropping you and picking you up, asking one of his family to give you lifts etc. Not a totally unrealistic one like you struggling off and on trains with a buggy heavily pregnant.

b. Make it clear to his family that you aren’t obligated to go to his family events as he has been skipping yours.

I'd be annoyed with DH if he chose to go to the sporting event knowing how much he was putting me out. He's taking a lot of the fun out of your Mum's birthday for you and doesn't seem to care that he's ruining your day with all this unnecessary stress and complication.

I would say to him that of course he can go and in return I'll be picking and choosing which of his family events I want to go to in future (and his mum can lump it).

I find it eye opening that so many posters here are approaching this from the standpoint that the man simply has to be able to drop out of a pre existing commitment to go to a sporting event.

My DH wouldn't even ask this. He would tell his friend he couldn't go. Because he's already committed to a family event.

YANBU OP, he should go to the family meal with you. Unfortunately it sounds like your husband isn't a keeper and doesn't prioritise you. I would spend some time thinking about how you want your future to look, and have a serious talk with your H about it.

If you really accept its ok for him to go then I think I'd say to my mum that things have changed and sorry I can't make it as I'm not up to the journey. And arrange another time. You now need to be able to opt in or out of his family events. You mum will want you to look after yourself.