AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

Why do some men think they can get married and have children and then carry on as if they are a single bloke. He was there when the children were conceived - must have been in agreement - why does it then seem like the whole responsibility for caring for them is the mother's.

Said kindly, if you don't drive isn't that the deal? You need to sometimes navigate public transport? And it will be the deal right up to giving birth and afterwards with 2 little ones.

OP, is there a big age difference between you two? There seems to be a huge power imbalance. He has now shown that he is prioritizing his first set of children and is ignoring the needs and well being of you and your children with him. He seems to be in the stage of my kids are grown so it's me time now. But he decided to get married again and have more kids and needs to step up. Your DH is being unreasonable. He is not showing any care towards you at all. A good husband and father prioritizes his family well being over a silly sports match which in the end means nothing really.

I would tell him to go to his sporting event with your blessing but also make it clear that you won't be going to his future family events because you don't enjoy it. The fact that your MIL gives you grief for not attending is not a reason to be a pushover. You don't want to go - you don't go. MIL can jump. By the way, is there a reason you're not learning to drive? Could make things a lot easier if you can afford it.

Then why are you going to his family events that you don't even want to go to?!

Can he take the 14mo with him?

All the reason that you mentioned in your post what your mum does in drop of a hat you should tell him. I would be furious. Travelling with toddler is difficult in any circumstances let alone being pregnant.

Next time his family has an event book yourself a spa day and inform him that self care is essential. I would inform him that you will not be dragged to his family gathering next time. See what he says

Few people mentioned it but you need to hear it. There is a massive power imbalance in your relationship. You do not have money for driving lessons and he is able to afford just like that without any notice travelling on train significant distance, staying over (hotel, food and drink)??? And he still is able to go out several times a week? How and why? It is massively unjust.

I think the reason few people have mentioned the power imbalance is the age gap wasn’t clear until later and that really does change things.
at the start I assumed he was in his late 29s/early 30s and struggling to change his life having had his first child

not a man 20 years older with grown up children

This guy is an utter dud.

If there’s money for rugby and football and multiple nights out per week, there’s money for you to get a taxi from your house to the restaurant and back, “different county” or not. Just bloody well book it.

Let the taxi firm know you’ll be travelling with a toddler.

Enjoy the lunch. And good luck with the new job, if you get it.

Don’t see your MiL any more, by the way. Put your foot down. She’s terrible.

great idea. Why not drop you to your mums the day before and pick you up the day after

He’s decided he’s not going to go at all, as he’d definitely have to stay two nights as the trains aren’t running as late and he doesn’t want to do two nights. I’ve not pressed him, just left him to it. He’s got another football away game coming up anyway, so he’ll get his sports fix.

To answer a few questions (apologies, not intentionally not responding to people)

• we don’t share finances, no. He pays for the main bills as I’ve been on maternity, only just returned to work. It’s been an 80/20 split and will continue to be until I return to my old career rather than the low paid part-time I’m in atm. (Joys of balancing childcare & needing flexibility)
• i used to earn the same amount as he did, so the financial imbalance is a newer thing and will only be temporary
• he’s out a lot but not spending massively as he gets a lot of freebies due to his friendship group
• It’s not a massive age gap, just under 10yrs - he’s in his mid 40’s)
• he’s offered to pay towards driving lessons after I’m back at work from having DC2 & we’d share his car
• there has been access/contact issues with his older children over the years, so he has the tendency to overcompensate and ‘Disney dad’
• ive learned my MIL’s issues are her own. She turns into an absolute weirdo when young children are involved. We thankfully see her much less than we used to. I intend to keep it that way.

Honestly you make it sound like your too pregnant to go at all.
you can’t lift a baby seat? C’mon.
stop being a drama queen.
Stay at your mums the night before or ask one of your family to meet you from the station.
theres always a way to work things out when there are lots of family. You’re being a bit silly.

Unhelpful. And wrong. Sciatica is absolutely crippling.

If the plan was he originally was going he’s being crap on your mum if you already have plans you say no thanks to a new offer. Can he take you night before you stay in a hotel then he gets you on his way home. If he doesn’t never feel guilty about not going to his family thing when he says something just say my plans have changed got a better offer but take dc then take yourself off for the day let his dm moan so what he can’t just drop your mum like a hot brick when it suits him. Very rude of him.

It sounds like your DH doesn't care about anything except his wishes. He should be the one trying to sort out how you get to your mums or the lunch without risk of you hurting yourself. If he sees these people a few times a month that is a lot given you say you haven't seen extended family for a long time. He should also sort the dog sitter. He sounds selfish.

How much does your DH go out?

I’d like to give you sciatica then ask you to list a range of normal weights. It feels like someone has put a red hot poker to your nerves. Are you usually kinder than this?

im glad it’s worked out, but there is no sense at all op that you realise its ok to say to your husband that actually your pregnant struggling wife should sometimes be a priority to him. The definition of priority is sometimes you put them before other things /people you like, it’s not you’re very caring if you have nothing better to do, and it’s the least a wife should expect.

with the sharing finances, are you much poorer than him after putting in your share now? That makes me think very very poorly of him. If you nearly die having a baby, stay home to look after it so are working less, and are also poorer as you aren’t bringing in as much of an income.

take him up on the driving lessons please. Get your license.

Unless your mums birthday lunch is a milestone birthday I would just explain to her that being heavily pregnant is making travel difficult, particularly with DC in tow, and that she could come to you on a different date for a special lunch celebration when DH is able to help look after DC. I’m sure your mum will be understanding, at the end of the day she’s been heavily pregnant too and knows the difficulties that presents for travel and lifting.

I’m too old to be pregnant, but I currently have sciatica and it’s bloody agony. The rest of you who have never had it, let me tell you, it’s a f**king great pain in the arse, and sitting down feels like someone took the iron out of the fire and rammed it into your arse muscle. OP you have every ounce of my sympathy and understanding.

Oh come on.

It is a milestone birthday. OP's mum has already told OP that she didn't have to come. OP feels really bad because her mum does absolutely loads for her and her DH.

I would have said YABU but after reading all of your posts I think you're nuts to have another baby (so soon!) with such a shitty husband