AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

Is there a hotel near by that you can stay in? Was there a plan for you to learn to drive at some point?

After 20 years of running around after someone who refused to drive, and was expected to plan my life around THEIR need for lifts, I'd also be asking why you haven't learned to drive.

@Chunkychips23 but it is a late afternoon kick off (if it is England) at 4:45 so surely he help get you there (unless it is Scotland)

but also I would definitley use the family events are now optional he can visit his mum occasionally without you to give you a rest

I would expect my husband to know that he has a prior committment and cannot attend the event. I wouldn't be indulging in this "you can tell me not to go" crap. He is an adult and should behave like one.

If the boot was on the other foot, and you wanted to go to a big concert of your favourite artist (free tickets) but it would mean you couldn't go to his mum's birthday, and it would mean him taking both kids alone with a sprained ankle, how would he react?

That's your answer to whether you're being unreasonable or not.

Thats a very good point, thank you. I was the devil incarnate (if you asked his mother) for missing a family event 2wks post section and PPH. I was just too battered to attend, but I was selfish for not allowing my ebf newborn not to go.

Fully agree with this. The fact your MiL makes you feel guilty is a separate issue to be tackled I think; but if I were him I’d absolutely be wanting to go, especially as (hopefully!) it’ll be the last opportunity for a while as you’ll soon have a new baby.

It’s the short notice why family can’t accommodate. They have their own cars full with their kids. If it had been a bit more notice, someone would have been able to accommodate.

Your whole family have got cars full with their own kids, but if there had been a bit of notice, they wouldn't have?! Why-what would they have done with them!?

If this restaurant can't be changed and not one family member can leave the restaurant or your mum's house to come and get you from the station (?!), then ask your mum to come and get you and your child the night before and ask DH to come and collect you the day after. It would irritate me no end having to be so reliant on other people to get me around.

This. Don't go to Mum's lunch. Stress & pain not worth it. Do something else with her another day/weekend leaving him with toddler (& baby if it's here by then).
Plus this is a permanent get out of jail free card re his family events.

He's an adult and a parent. Unless he can organise the logistics for you and DC then he will need to stick to the original plan. Bringing up that you can't drive is mental.

Devil to his mum- but how did he react? Did he stand up for you?

Of course you have every right to feel let down. Your mum's birthday celebration was organised before your DH got tickets to his sporting event so if he has already agreed to attend your mum's birthday, he is being really rude. Did he contact her himself and apologise?

He also has no right to expect you to attend all get-togethers at his mum's house if he doesn't reciprocate this with your family.

He sounds as though he calls the shots and he even polices your feelings by telling you that you have no right to feel annoyed and let down.

It sounds like his mother has taught him that his and her needs outweight everyone else's in the family, including yours.

Whatever else happened I would not go to his next family do unless it was something really fab !

It’s usually a non issue. Where we live, everything is easily accessible, he rarely ever gives me lifts. I was planning on taking lessons again, just to give me that more freedom and less reliant on public transport when I do travel further afield. It’s not an aversion or being a passenger princess, it’s just in the last few years when I’ve had more of a need to drive, cost has been a major factor.

They’re all just relying on my mum to sort it and be the one to drive, as per usual. This woman never gets to let her hair down. And yes, I do feel a bit disappointed in my extended family.

I wouldn't have a problem with him missing the lunch.

But can he drive you there early then pick you up?
Or is it feasible for you to get a taxi the whole way rather than struggle on the train?

I'm quite surprised none of your family are willing to help too, my parents would have come to get me when I was heavily pregnant and struggling

Also failing to see how none of your family can collect you from the station after dropping off their children.

I’d probably suck it up and go - you’ll muddle through - and then use it as leverage to not attend so many MIL events.

I think this is a good idea. Stay at a relatives the night before so you can break up the journey. And on the way back once family have dropped off kids home, maybe they could take you back.

WTF? So all your siblings and their families are relying on your mum for lifts? Don't they have jobs / drive / pay for their own taxis?

Sounds as though your whole family lacks the ability to be independent adults and I can see why your DH would be annoyed.

6 nations at twickenham by any chance?

You can’t expect him to miss it just so he can drive you to your mums bday lunch.

I think one of your family members should just come and pick you up from the station.

Don't blame your hormones for expecting some care and consideration from your DH. He obviously has plenty of opportunities to watch his sport. He is taking your mum's help completely for granted if he doesn't feel obliged in any way to honour a commitment to her that was made before this sporting opportunity came up.

Definitely knock the two visits per month to his family on the head. He has no qualms about upsetting your mum (who is kind and helpful) so you should have no qualms about upsetting his mum who sounds dreadful.

No sport or match would make me understand a DH putting his heavily pregnant wife and child as a lower priority.

YANBU.

Is it possible for your family to just take your DS and you take the train? That way the journey would be much easier for you.