AIBU to be annoyed at DH missing family event?

[Chunkychips23]

It’s my mums birthday lunch coming up, which has been booked in for a while. DH has been offered free tickets for a sporting event at the weekend. It comes with all the bells and whistles and he is super passionate about it. He wants to miss my mums birthday lunch.

Ordinarily I wouldn’t be bothered, but it means lugging our 14 month old on the train and then into a taxi. Again, not that big a deal, but I’m heavily pregnant and struggling with tiredness, sciatica pain and lifting heavy things atm. I’ve tried lifting DC in the car seat as practice and I’m really struggling.

I have checked with those in attendance and nobody has space in their cars for us, so it would definitely be a taxi job. DC HATES being in the car seat also, so there’s going to be that fun to deal with too 😅

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person. I’ve explained what I’d be struggling with and my concerns. I get how much the sporting event means to him. There’s a long family tradition there and it makes him feel closer to his deceased father. So I don’t want to tell him not to go.

He is a hands on father generally and does his fair share of parenting, so it’s not like he’s skipping out after being useless.

My mum has done a lot for us too. Plus my side of the family rarely have gatherings. I know she’s disappointed too but won’t express it. I have to go to all of his family gatherings, know matter what. Or his mum gets upset and then I get grief about it.

DH doesn’t think I have a right to be annoyed or feel let down. I can just ask strangers to help me, it’s not a big deal. I feel bad about being pissed off, as in the grand scheme of things it’s not a massive deal. Am I just being hormonal? AIBU here as it is something he wouldn’t ordinarily be able to afford to go to?

I think this
Maybe a taxi all the way there and back. Perhaps taxi driver and lunch attendees can help either end
He has a point re the driving, but you being heavily pregnant and in pain is also a major factor.

Yes, come on women! Why aren't you all running round accomodating this man?! Can't you see how important he is! Change all your plans on his whims immediately!

Or...Gilead is that way>>>>>>>

Could you ask a friend to either drive you or accompany you on the train so they can help with carrying? While you’re at the lunch they could go to a film, or museum, or shopping. If you know any sensible teenagers they might do it if you paid them.

Im not sure its anything to do with being a man. Sometimes things come up that either sexes may miss a family event for.

Totally agree with this.

This

If this was me and my husband I'd be a bit disappointed I'd not get a lift but I wouldn't mind him missing the meal and going to the sporting event. It's just one of those things. We both only go to the others family events if it suits us. We don't go because it expected or because we are guilt tripped into it. I do my family and my husband does his. It works well for us. Everyone likes each other too.

Right. You and the baby get to your mum's do, even if it means a taxi both ways. Don't miss it. Don't make your mum or yourself miss out because your dh is a prat.

This is your 'get out of his family events free forever' card. Let him go to his weekend. Thereafter, miss any event from his side of the family that you want to miss, because if he can do it, you can too.

Do several other things also -
Learn to drive. Slowly, in your own time, because it's useful.
Get your fucking ducks in a row. You might never need them but it's good to be prepared. That DH puts himself first. So should you, in that you should have an eye on what's beneficial to you, and how often you let DH get on with something that disadvantages you.
Smile. Grey rock. Let him think you haven't noticed.

Not saying LTB right now, you find some merit in him. But that will pass, and if you are ready, you will put up with less shit. If he turns out to be a good egg, you won't have to put in all the effort required in setting up on your own. Watch and wait.

I think you should tell him not to go

Ludicrous. How many people need to be inconvenienced to accommodate DH's sporting event?

So far we've had: ask a friend to do you a favour and fuck off for the party; ask the birthday girl to inconvenience herself and be the designated driver at her own party; ask the whole family to change venue.

Things are particularly tricky for you at the moment so he should absolutely be supporting you.

I'd be very clear that you would like his support and his presence but it's his choice, you can't make him. However, if this is the dynamic he chooses for your relationship, things will be different in future. You won't be involving yourself in his family events unless it suits you.

He can't expect to have it both ways.

Follow through on that. It doesnt sound like you'll be missing out on much.

Unless he does this every week then I'd give him a free pass to attend his event.

But there's lots of solutions suggested here that the OP is ignoring. Also, her family seem very unwilling to help, which is rubbish. How far is the venue from the train station? Why can't one of them just drop their family at the venue and then drive to pick you up (especially if they already have kids/car seats)?

DH is going to go to sporting event whatever, because OP - although justifiably annoyed and disappointed - does not want to ask him not to.

So the rest of us are trying to make suggestions for how she can still enjoyably attend the event. More practical than just ranting about her DH.

To clarify a few points:

• Yes, it’s a big birthday
• It’s too far to get a taxi all the way there, it’s in a different county. The taxi is from the station to the venue
• My mum always travels to us. Every time. This is her birthday and her favourite restaurant. She’s been looking forward to this for months, as it’s rare we all get together as we live all over the place
• Yes he goes to plenty of things. He goes to home & away games for his football team monthly.
• yes he goes out socially multiple times a week and no I don’t have a problem with that. Infact he stayed overnight after a meeting so he could go on a night out after his work event
• We go to his family things at least 1-2 times a month and ALWAYS have to travel to them. MIL has been over twice in the year we’ve lived here. My mum comes once a week, so I don’t feel it’s fair to make her change her one off plans to eat at her favourite restaurant for her birthday
• I don’t want to leave DC behind as we rarely get to see extended family on my side
• yes, he’ll no doubt get to go again to an event another time due to his connections
• no, he can’t drop me off the night before/that day as he’s going to be travelling down the night before or first thing in the AM as it’s the other end of the country to us

If I wasn’t struggling and it wasn’t so last minute, I wouldn’t be too fussed. I’d be disappointed sure, but the man literally had to help me carry a basket of laundry down the stairs the other day. He knows I’m having a rough time of it ATM and I’m not one that usually has to ask or needs help.

I think it was more his attitude and the hormones coming into play than anything. If he’d been apologetic about missing it/letting me down or even looked at options for me getting there, I probably wouldn’t feel as dejected about it all.

I’m assuming 6 Nations? He should definitely go, the bells and whistles corporate stuff is absolutely fantastic. I can see why he’d jump at the chance.

The spaces are usually only available at short notice because the upper echelons haven’t needed their full allocation for hospitality/schmoozing.

Book a babysitter for the afternoon or see if a mate can have your toddler - problem solved.
Or go to your mum’s the night before - ditto.
Taxi drivers are great at helping with stuff in my experience - also problem solved.

I think you’re seeing bigger obstacles than there really are because you’re hormonal and knackered. That’s totally understandable. Everything feels exhausting at that stage.

DH said it’s my own fault for not learning to drive and then I wouldn’t have this problem. Or my my family should try and accommodate me. He’s saying I can tell him not to go, but he knows full well I have never and will never be that person.

Gosh. He sounds lovely.

Several of us who are actually mothers in law have said that we would want our sons in law to go to such a big event.

Seriously, who wants someone at their birthday meal who is there on sufferance and would far rather be somewhere else? My sons in law are good people, and I would genuinely want them to go to the event. I'd be horrified to find out later that they'd missed something like that, to come to my meal.

It would need to be some spectacularly special once in a lifetime opportunity of a sporting event to make all of this pandering to him reasonable. Does he have a box at the superbowl?

Exactly this! He’s a fanatic, which is why I’m not telling him not to go. He’s done the hospitality before, but it was years ago. And yes, I am beyond shattered right now and I’m not sure how much is hormonal and me being unreasonable etc. Barely got over baby brain before I was pregnant with number 2 😂

Don't go, but don't put up with 'getting grief' from your husband for insisting you go to all his family events when he CBA with yours. Don't be a pushover.

He IS being selfish. It's your mum's birthday, you're pregnant with HIS child. It sounds like he calls all the shots in your home. Learn to drive though! I don't know how parents of small kids who can't drive cope!

The taxi is from the station to the venue

Then surely a family member can pick you up after they've dropped off the rest of their family?

Doesn't he just. And absolute charmer.

Out of interest, what is 'that person'?

Is it a woman who expects her husband to support her when she's heavily pregnant?

Or does it mean a cool wife, who'll always understand that a man's sporting event must come first.